Thursday, August 20, 2015

Eight kinds of stress

Hopefully you weren't biting your nails in anticipation for my next post, because if you were, you'd have have stubs right now, maybe not even fingers. My bad...On the plus, as you can guess, I've been super busy with life throwing me some punches and also giving me some love too. Not romantic love though, we all know I'll probably be single for another year or so (not like I can change that anyway).

So what HAS been happening? I don't even know how to put it in order...Let's just try to group it.


I can't even express in words how I feel about Alex. It's not romantic love, but it's not friendship love. It's like I want to be her best friend, but I don't want to date her or anything beyond friendship. I don't know if there's a term for that, but it's how I feel. I love her, sure, but not more than anyone would expect. What brought this on? I guess it's just a combination of seeing her over the summer and how open I can be around her. Our friendship doesn't really have any secrets.

It's just the two of us hanging out and having a good time and really, we are pretty open anyway, but we seem to always make time for the other so THAT definitely helps. I really don't know how to word it and this sounds all wrong, but it's all I can really come up with.

More on topic(ish), I helped Alex move to her college apartment this past Friday and that was a crazy long day for me! I had to get up at 5:30 (when I usually get off work at 5am!) and stayed awake until 5:30 the NEXT morning. I don't honestly know I did it, but she was super glad to have my help, and I just wanted to be helpful (and also have an excuse to hang out). It was a rough hour and a half drive though, I don't like driving long distances, so the 5 hour drive to see my brother will be super fun...Haha!

We got finished moving her stuff in by roughtly 2 or 3 in the afternoon and then we had to focus on her room. I hung up all her clothes in her closet and also put up a majority of her posters before heading back home around 11:30 that night. So technically I kept myself up the 24 hours, but I needed to get my body back on track for my overnight shifts. Helping Alex was great though and I'm going to miss her like crazy this semester, but I promised (and I'll keep it) to go see her every month or every other month, and she'll come see me too. So hopefully I'll see her again, just not as frequently as I was seeing her over the summer.

Which brings me to my next topic!


Not really a lot to say, but I wanted to add that we're talking more again and things are fine. I have learned that sometimes distance helps friendships. I still live by the standard that you can't really trust anyone, but that doesn't mean I can't talk to Britny and get advice and give her the best advice I can give. I love hanging out with her and her smile is still very contagious for me, we just need to actually hang out again now. We haven't spend time in person together for a couple months (maybe less, it just feels like awhile).


Nathan doesn't live at the apartment right now, which is for the best right now, and he probably won't come back either. That's a long story too. Which I guess I have the time to tell right now. Okay...

FOR THE RECORD: I don't condone gossip, complaining behind someone's back (or bitching to me at all about someone else), or any other form of shenanigans in the form of not confronting someone personally about an issue in any format (text, call, face-to-face). That being said...

Alex gets 100% of my life and Josh gets about 79% for the time being. I don't really talk to anyone else. I mean if we went fully in depth on percentages, there'd be to many to say and I don't have the time for that. This sums up the point. Now back on topic, yet again.

Amanda and Josh have both told me that they don't want Nathan to move back in, but they want ME to talk to him about it, since I agree, but for different reasons AND because I've been Nathan's friend longer than them (which in their defense makes sense). Amanda's reason is selfishly because she doesn't like Nathan very much after living with him a VERY short while (they're both very head strong and dominant) and also wants her own room to sleep in, which she has while he's away from the apartment at home.

Josh's reason is because Nathan doesn't have a lot of money and he want's him to be financially happy and not stressed about things like bills, especially when his parents WOULD let him come back if this happened. Which it did.

My reason is like Josh's but a lot deeper. I've known Nathan for four years. A long time basically. While I love being around Nathan, living with him hurt our friendship quite a bit. From my perspective, he is super messy and disorganized. I literally can't even comprehend how it doesn't drive him absolutely crazy. That along with him lack of motivation to clean dishes or organize things (which at the time he blamed on being depressed about not finding a job which I 45% excused).

So towards the end, I stopped talking to Nathan, ignored him, got mad at him, and basically waited until I had to say something and yelled at him, which didn't help anything. So being his roommate is not a good idea and it never will be. I don't want him to come back, but if he doesn't May 2016 will be the last month I live with Nathan, indefinitely.

I have more pressing issues now though, because life can't be TO easy for me, right? I seem to always find SOMETHING to complain about and I feel like it's hard wired into my DNA or something, because it's ALWAYS something, unfortunately. Since Nathan has been gone, I've focused hardcore on Caleb.


Not only does Caleb live and sleep on our couch (which I didn't agree too, it was a Nathan and Josh vs me 2-to-1 type thing (which was more Nathan controlling that decision)), he also works less than 20 hours a week at The Tree, which you all should remember. Yes, he STILL works there. He tried switching jobs, but ran back to his safety net and now refuses to leave.

He likes to use the excuse of not having a car, but because he still pays his half of bills (which leaves him almost broke), nobody can REALLY say anything or he'll get mad (which, being brutally honest, I don't actually give two shits about). He works a really (being honest here) shitty job. I say that from personal experience! You should already know why I quit The Tree. IT WAS AWFUL. I used it as a crutch for SO LONG and didn't want to get a new or better job.

Though at the time, I didn't NEED a good job. Caleb needs a good job NOW and that's not The Tree. The Tree is for HIGH SCHOOL EMPLOYEES. He's working with a bunch of 15 and 16 year olds! I get SO irritated that he won't even TRY to find a better job! AND that's not even the HALF of why I'm SO upset with Caleb....

In addition to the SUPER SHITTY JOB he has, he is SO UNCLEAN. By that I mean he will NEVER do laundry because "he can do it tomorrow". He barely does laundry once a month. He sleeps and wears the same thing for DAYS ON END (I'm talking 4 or 5+ days sleeping in the same clothes he wore the day past) AND he has to be told EVERY FUCKING TIME to clean or HE WON'T. Not to mention HE'S NEVER NOT PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.

I'm out working 40+ hours at my Security job PLUS my NEW job I just got hired at (Surprise?) today, which is probably an additional 10-20 hours every week! It's just super irritating that he's taking advantage of our kindness and he can deny it all he wants, but nobody willingly sleeps on someone else's couch and is so overwhelmingly disgusting on a consecutive basis for MONTHS on end unless they felt like they had some kind of security where they were.

At the end of the day, I agreed to have two roommates. Nathan and Josh. Now we have Nathan gone and Amanda in his place. In my opinion, I would be perfectly happy living with JUST AND ONLY JUST Amanda and Josh. That's it. Until May 2016, I want to have Amanda and Josh as my roommates. Then I just and ONLY just want Josh as my roommate. I will never again live with Caleb or Nathan EVER again. I LITERALLY CAN'T.

There's a lot of capital words in these past few paragraphs, but for good reason. Surely you can see my problem. I'm not crazy OCD about things, but I'm enough OCD about cleanliness to have some SERIOUS issues with my living conditions.

The worst part is that my internet won't reach the master bedroom (I took Nathans room when he moved out) very well, or I'm guessing, so I moved my Playstation to the living room and now Caleb is ALWAYS asking me to co-op with him and I'm just like NO. I want to fucking play a game by myself, stop trying to invite yourself to everything I do on my console.

On a quick sidenote, the reason I game in my room is because a lot of the time, I'm a hermit. I don't like being social 100% of the time, so now that my Playstation isn't in my room, it SUPER annoys me when I just want to be alone and Caleb is right next to me on his bed, OUR COUCH, trying to invite himself to my game. I'm close to straight up saying NO in a rude way to him, because it's SO ANNOYING.

But backing up a bit, remember that spoiler about a new job? Yeah, HyVee wasn't working as a second job so I'm going to quit that. I got hired on at The Hut (for purposes unknown, we're calling it that) and my orientation is tomorrow evening. Since I gave them hours I can actually work, and they hired me, I'll finally make some extra money to help out financially. Why would I need help financially? Here's why.

So a few weeks back, my mom cosigned and I got a new car (YAY!!) which thrills me like no other! It's a 2002 so it's my first car not from the 90's. It's also my first car with cruise control, four working windows, a driver side door that opens and locks, CD player, working tape player, A/C unit that works properly, and my first car with 4WD.

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited. Now what happened a week later? I FALL ASLEEP WHILE DRIVING HOME. I ended up slamming my car into a concrete divider and bend my tire rod while also super fucking both passenger side wheels/tires. Cost me $400 to fix, but luckily no scratches to the body! Caleb paid $200 to fix my car (he sold his car, saying it "didn't work anymore") and my sister also gave me another $200.

I'm going to pay them back, which I can do fine, but I hate owing money so I picked up The Hut to get that money back faster. Which from what I'm hearing, will be a lot sooner than I'm estimating. Hopefully within a month, I'll have the 400 bucks paid back in full. Plus I still have to license my car and make it totally legal, while selling my old car for hopefully 500 bucks. Anyone wanna buy a '98 Taurus?

So yeah, there's just SO MUCH that irritates me these days and I have 8 kinds of stress making my day feel SO LONG and I've legit cried about it and life is SO HARD and I've had to survive this struggle but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I know I swear a lot and I have this stuff happening to me, but I still pray every day and thank God for what I have so it's not like I'm totally "alone".

Alex makes everything better too. I can talk to her about anything and call her anytime day or night and she'll be here for me, as I will be for her. She just won't call me when she knows I'm sleeping (anytime 5am-3pm). I love her for that. No, for everything! She is slowly proving to me why I should never give up on people. I'm not saying I'm gonna start "letting people in", she's the only one right now past the brick walls around my heart, but I'm just saying she's restoring my hope in humanity.

Trying not to be cynical or anything, but I hope if I find a wife, she'll be like Alex. Someone who see's me, but doesn't judge me based on looks, but personality. Someone who gets my humor and makes me smile, loves me for all my imperfections, and understands that I'll say stupid shit and upset or even hurt them, but they'll understand loyalty and forgive me. And vise versa.

My problem is I date woman who don't understand loyalty. They think one fight means the end of the relationship and won't "chance" for a second one. Nahh, people say stupid shit and upset others, but you forgive them and love them still.

I won't even lie, I want a relationship. I have been single for 7 months, 11 months since my last serious relationship, and I'm ready. Maybe not financially, but that'll hopefully change with The Hut. I'm estimating I'll be "ready" for a relationship before Christmas, but when is anyone "ready" for any kind of relationship or commitment?

Maybe God wants me to focus on him first? Then that's selfish though. I deserve my blessing. I work so hard for what I have and my pride makes me earn everything I have. I don't take hand outs, they have to be given. Then again God is jealous God, I remember that much from the bible. He wants to be number one in my life. In everyone's.

I guess we'll see. I'm in no rush anyway, I don't wanna plant roots or "invest" in a general living area until I'm in my mid or late 20's. I'll be in Missouri (or Kansas) until I'm 23 for sure, but after that, who knows where life will take me!

I guess to end this post, I''ll say this.

Life is wicked good, but it's also wicked bad. Yin and Yang, All that cliche stuff is true, the eternal struggle of good and evil exists. It's all about what you let have the bigger half of control. Right now my goodness is stronger than my greatness, but at the same time I've become very strongly opinionated about things and less outspoken than a year ago. Hell, than 6 months ago! Alex has helped a lot with that, but I've also done some personal growth. Things I never wanted to let go of, I had to, and it's been for the better.

Until next time,..

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