Friday, July 3, 2015

Stability and settling in

So my last post was a little harsh, rude, mean, etc...You could probably find a word. Looking back (and reading it over again), I definitely feel like an asshole now. Things were just in my face and when that happens to me and I don't have someone to calm me down, I get all emotional and freak out all over the place. I ended up freaking out when I could post a blog and...You saw the result of that.

To clear things up, I just paid my second months rent a few days ago on July 1st and I have to say, I no longer fully regret living with Nathan or Caleb. I was just angry at the situation and mad at myself for allowing it to happen to me. I should have taken a step back and really looked at my situation from a different perspective or something. I plan on making some progress with that, hopefully.

Nathan actually got that assistant manager job he wanted and he's working almost every day now, which means he'll have a consistent set of income flowing as of next weekend. That makes me really happy but makes him the happiest. I knew how badly he wanted some good money and I could see how upset he was with his situation and how he was trying to do something about it. Luckily, my prayers got answered and he got a good job.

Caleb called the manager of The Tree and got approved to work shifts again and put back on the schedule. Not ideal if you ask me, since that's an awful job and pitiful excuse for an establishment (I worked there for over four years). Still, it's money for right now. I just hope Caleb actually looks for a better job. He can't have The Tree forever.

Reflecting at all I've got in life right now, I'd say it's safe to say I'm blessed. I have money to pay my bills, all of them, food in my kitchen, and my friends/family. Oh yeah, speaking of friends, I have a little update about that too.

Does anyone remember back in late December when I dated Alex, who ended up breaking up because she decided she was a lesbian? Yeah, I'm kinda her best friend now.

Wait. I'm what? Let me explain!

So out of the blue, we just started...idk, talking again and eventually she and I got super close and I helped her with some relationship things regarding her girlfriend and her, we've hung out a few times, and boom! I guess she decided to place me upon her list of "besties" as she put it.

She told me one night that I'm one of the nicest guys she knows and she's glad I'm her friend and she loves me ( in a platonic way). Seriously, I don't even know what I did so right. Either way, I see it as a sign that I'm not cursed. I keep saying how every woman I get involved with finds someone (look at the stats) and hates me, but Alex doesn't hate me anymore. I guess she decided it was to much work to hate me. I can relate.

When you hate someone, it takes energy from you, and gives you a burden to carry, which nobody wants. I'm so glad Alex decided to drop that and become my friend again, because now I've learned more about her and really appreciated her more as a friend than I did while dating her. I kinda just said, "hey you're pretty" and she agreed and we dated. I didn't really get to know her. I liked her, you betcha! I just don't think it would have worked in the long run anyways. On the plus, she changed from a lesbian to a pansexual, so technically I didn't get dumped by a lesbian, just left for another woman, haha...Well I thought it was funny.

As for Britny...Well, I guess I fumbled the ball and never got the chance to recover it. Shocker, right? I tend to screw things up sometime and in some way, but this one takes the absolute cake for stupidest reason ever, and here's why.

I was texting and partially snapchatting with Britny one day a few weeks back and in a conversation about us, I slipped that I hope she can talk to me and I can be here for her as her best friend. As I was snapchatting her, I got one back from her friend of 10 years saying she was her best friend and nobody else. I took it teasingly and played along saying, "Of course, but you can have more than one", etc...Well it got to the point where she was disagreeing with me and got angry and started yelling at me.

And I got defensive.

I flat out told her she was being rude and mean and I wasn't trying to take anyone away from another and people can have 2 or 3 or even more best friends (her and Britny had been friends for 10 years and counting). Well then she got really mad at me and I just gave up. I told her I was done and to "give the f*cking phone back to Britny". That's when I got a text from Britny yelling at me, stating that I was wrong and no matter what, in every situation, she will side with her friend and NEVER with me. She said she didn't care how that sounded or that it was rude, just that it was the truth.

It deeply hurt me. Enough to the point where in our short time as friends, my starting to trust her stopped. I had started to let her in and we've hung out a few times now, so I told her secrets and she just threw them back at me. Since then, she scarcely talks to me. She can say she's busy moving or work is busy or whatever she wants, but we used to text every day, for hours. We've even had long phone calls too, but nothing since (on the phone). Just a few texts for roughly an hour, if that, and then nothing else.

Yesterday (being July 1st), I wanted to text her, but I asked myself "why?" and "Will she give you the time?", which is awful, but now I feel like I'm back at square one. It seems with people, I only last a short while, because I'm always to blame. I used to like Britny, like a lot, and now all that feeling does is allow me to get hurt.

I wanted to trust someone again and she promised me she'd be here for me and let me in for her too, but now I feel like those are empty promises. I just want to take back ever saying she was my best friend. Just friend. Just ignoring the word "best" in that, as if it means something. I wish I could go back and rephrase that one text. Lord knows I'll never say that again though.

I told Alex about that and she thought it was ridiculous and even said I'm one of her best friends and it's silly to take that so seriously. I agree, but I guess I can justify her reasons. You guys know how great I felt about Britny in my last post too, but now this. Life sure does change the rules a lot, huh? I'd still go back though and take back what I said, if I could. I'd still have Britny if I did.

Other than that, everything in my life is going fantastic. I might even have something fun to post after this week....

Until then, thanks for reading.