Friday, June 5, 2015

Feels! Apartment deets and secondish job?

I know I promised you guys pictures of the apartment, but that requires actually getting on my laptop at home and dealing with the lag of taking them off dropbox and putting them on here, which I can do, but just don't remember to do every time I think about it. As I stated in my last post, you should really just follow my snapchat, I posted apartment videos of me walking through the whole layout. Don't hate me, please, for the empty promise of apartment pics?

Well it sure has been awhile, huh? Britny was reading some older posts (proof that some people do read my blog still!) and asked why I hadn't posted in a month. I have actually been so busy, it never occurred to me! So here I am, at work, 2:30 in the morning, typing you guys a new post filled with goodies of information!

Well the apartment is going great, I paid my first months rent this past Monday and realized I can actually afford this, in real life and everything! The only part I didn't like was that Nathan had quit his job and lost his other one because of the job he quit and had no money so he only paid HALF of his half of rent (which is like 240 bucks). So I had to go 40 over my rent for him while Josh (our other roommate and friend) paid the additional 80ish bucks.

Nathan just paid me back the 40 yesterday though so I'm feeling better about it. He did find another job 2 days later though, so he's not broke, it was just inconvenient timing he did all this two days after we sign the lease and make everything official. I ain't even mad! I could tell he wasn't happy about it and that's why he got another job so quickly. We should be fine.

Speaking of jobs (this is SO out of order, but it's a jumbled month of information), just tonight...err, yesterday? On June 4th, to be specific, I hadn't gotten a call back from Clubby Sam's (Not actual name, I'm being witty), where I applied for a job, and they told me that THE NIGHT BEFORE, an overnight guy quit and they didn't have overnights available until THAT happened and now they want me to come up there this Tuesday coming up and talk to them or work, they weren't specific.

I'm just super glad it worked out for me. What I usually do is apply at one place I want most, then if I don't get that send out 4 or 5 more applications. I didn't have to send any out after my first choice and I'm so glad! Now all I need is to ask for 10.00/hour and get 15-20 hours a week and my genius plan will go perfectly! Oh, you don't know it! Prepare to be BLOWN away!

I am making enough for my bills, but that's it. I don't have a lot left over after that so I get nervous all the time with my money, so in an attempt to fix that, I figured I'd work a second job, which I was trying to do with HyVee, but they haven't scheduled me in 8 weeks and I told them 10 weeks ago, I wanted to work evenings and overnights. I was "told" that they didn't have anywhere to put me. Right. I don't like bickering about it, so I got productive and looked for a job that had somewhere to put me and that would value me as an employee. Which is why I'm so happy about Clubby Sam's.

Also! My friend Sierra (Yes, THAT Sierra from The Tree...(long story)) put in a good word for me and I think that helped me. Not sure, but it definitely couldn't have hurt. I won't go into details how Sierra and I became friends again, it was basically out of the blue, but I'm not complaining.

So work and apartment are doing good. Me? I'm doing great! Most days are good days, and the days that aren't make me glad I have Britny to talk to. In the time I've known Britny, I've gotten to know her and really see how great a person she is. Okay, I'll spill the beans.

Since Mikaela broke up with me last August, I'll admit I've had some issues. She broke me. You want a metaphor? Imagine a 2,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, how long does it take to solve that? Especially alone. Now picture broken glass on a sidewalk. Will you ever find all the pieces? No. Some are big, some are small, and some are stuck in between the pavement, never to be found again. I lost my ability to love for a long time, my ability to trust for an even longer time, still relapsing to today. I can't...just trust people now.

Britny saw that and told me she'd never push me further than I'm willing and to only say what I want, when things got deeper in our conversations. I appreciated that, but I knew I'd never in my lifetime let her in. She could hurt me, who knows how bad, and I won't take risks anymore. My baggage has held me back from so much and so many things that I've wanted to do or say.

The worst part, I want to let it win. Ever allowing myself to heal would mean allowing myself to be broken again. I still pray for healing, for Britny and her problems to be solved, Nathan and his money situation, etc..I care about people, and I always will, but going far enough to trust someone...Never thought I would ever do that again.

It took me less than 10 seconds to see how beautiful Britny was, but 5 seconds to remind myself she had a boyfriend. It took me roughly over a month to develop a crush, but waited till past 2 months to tell her. I knew before I said anything she didn't feel the same, but it was driving me crazy to hide. When the rejection was sent back my way, I wasn't surprised. She was nice about it, but it didn't hurt any less. I felt like an asshole in the first place for even putting the thought in her head. I know she has a boyfriend, I've been dumped for other guys before, so I never ever want to be that guy. I don't even honestly know what I expected to hear back. It was a foolish thing to feel all together.

Lucky for me, she told me it doesn't change anything, she is glad I told her and she isn't going to stop talking to me because of my honesty in how I feel. That caught me by a BIG surprise! All the scars I had from woman and she DIDN'T add to them.

A few weeks later, we were having a pretty deep conversation because I was beyond  CRAZY depressed about being alone, but I wouldn't tell her, I was scared to be honest. Scared to say that I was afraid of being alone forever. That every time I like someone, it's an unattainable woman or someone out of my league all together.

She did something for me I never thought anyone would do. She stayed and cared. She talked to me, like really talked to me. Eventually I cracked, I told her how I felt. How depressed I was, how bad it was, etc...I just...I was scared, but I let her in slowly. By the end of that conversation, I knew what I had to do. I couldn't just live my life, hiding from people, having a smile on my face, but a darkness and weight on and in my soul. My heart has been SO fucking heavy lately, making me depressed.

Sure, I got a whole lot of good in my life. On the list of pro's vs. con's, the pro's outweigh the con's, but most days, it doesn't feel that way. I just want to feel normal! I just want to stop seeing ALL my friends in happy relationships and be in one myself. My failures just feel so enormous, I don't know that I even deserve that kind of happiness.

I told Nathan about this one aspect of how I felt and he said being in a relationship is fine, but look at the rest of his life. Not everything gets better with a relationship. Nothing I haven't heard before. I know that. I don't expect my life to get better. I do expect the right woman will improve things though. Make each day a little brighter and keep the dark days away. I know who I AM, both in myself and in Christ, so that part of me is figured out.

I'm ready to be in a relationship, but nobody else seems to be. In fact, I've prayed about it. I often feel my prayers aren't answered, but I have a very vivid memory of when I know it was. Around last month, maybe the month before (not sure the exact day/time), I was talking to Britny and she just wan't feeling good. She was feeling down and the distance between us makes me feel so useless to help her. I told her I'd pray for her, which is a great thing to do, but reading it in a text doesn't make you feel any better.

Well I prayed a genuinely deep prayer and admittedly teared up a little, from imagining someone I care so much about feeling so down. Well the next day, I asked her how she was doing and to my surprise, she said she felt great! I had prayed for peace to enter her heart and relax her mind and it worked! I was filled with such joy! I had never seen a prayer answered so quickly and I imagine it was because of how selfless the prayer was.

I wish good on everyone, even in my darkest times, I wish good on everyone, even those bringing me down or tearing my name down. I doubt the truth will ever come out about a lot of things I've been wronged for, but I don't hate people, I can't.

I didn't really intend for a feels post, but it kinda just happened, my bad. Well, needless to say, and back on topic with Britny, I have decided as of late to let her in. She flat out said she didn't want to lose me and I agree. She can't see me NOT in her life and I feel the same. I trust her. For her to accept me. All of me, and still want to continue the beautiful friendship we have...It's proof that she's worth it. I'll let her in. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want another blog post where I explain how I was wrong to feel this way.

I think she can change my mind, that not everyone wants to use or hurt me. I don't have to believe that, but I want to. I do think she'll be a friend and I'll have plenty of good things to blog about. I'm more situated in my apartment and my laptop is finally set up at my apartment. I'll try to make sure my next post is the apartment pics post, but no promises.

It's a long, winding road, but sometimes that's the road that leads you further than the straight, clean ones. I haven't given up so you can't either. Anyone reading this, you simply can't let your situation or the pain of loss/fear/helplessness control you. I wish everyone the best and I'll see you all next post!

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