Friday, January 30, 2015

I chose to post this.

So things have been a little crazy, both good and bad. I'm thinking more good, but also some bad too. Guess I should just skip all the intro stuff and dive into it, huh? Alright, here goes...

So if I paid for it, I could just put the entire phone call here (I have an app that records phone calls), but I don't have $6 right now and honestly, I listened to the phone call more than once and still don't see how I'm at fault, and that's trying very hard.

So do you all remember my friend Tori? She introduced me to Alex and set everything up for us. Remember her and I'll come back to that in a second.

First comes the details before, the good of my week. So I got an interview with a security company called Securitas (after my friend Tyler told me he worked there and I should try applying) and after using Tyler as a reference, I was set up to go this past Tuesday. So I got there, I filled out a little paperwork, and then I was interviewed. Within 10 minutes, if that (probably 5 minutes), she offered me three different jobs for their company!! BEYOND stoked!

One was in Olathe (a bit ironic considering I dated Mikaela and she never saw me actually committing to go up there for her), working 1-8pm Mon-Fri at $11/hour. A second one was on 118th street (?) and was $10/hour working Sat-Sun 6am-2pm and Mon-Tues 2-10pm. The third was in KCK working Fri-Sat 12-8am and Sun-Mon 9pm-5am for $11/hour. Which do you think I chose?

Doing the math, Olathe was the best option considering the income I'd make would be fantastic, but the drive would balance it out to be not so good on my gas tank and car. In the end, that moment, I chose to work in KCK overnights. I've never worked overnights so I hope this goes well. Each job was different, but I saw KCK as my best fit.

After my interview, I went to HyVee and filled out a new availability paper out, since my hours are changing now, and yes, I'm agreeing to work three jobs right now, that might change in the future. Not to surprising, but HyVee wasn't very happy about my hours and I flat out told them that I am 21 years old, I have bills to pay, and not scheduling me put me in a financial bind, which I'm in right now. I did what I had to do to support myself. I guess I'll see what I'm scheduled when I go into my first shift of the week tonight (right? I haven't worked all week).

So Wednesday morning, I went back to Securitas for orientation. That took about two and a half hours, but well worth it, because I got paid to go. After that, I was told to go to the KCK police station and get my permit for the job. I did that the following day and went back to Securitas and they gave me my uniform, badge, nametag, and I was instructed to call Friday before 3pm to get details set up for when I go in for training.

OKAY! That's the good news, ready for the bad? Every rose has it's thorns people, learn that early and don't forget it.

Tuesday. It was right after my interview, I wanted to call Alex and tell her about getting the job and orientation Wednesday. Well before I could call, I saw on Facebook she'd unfriended me. I didn't know why, so I was going to ask her after the good news was shared. When she didn't answer the phone or my text, I called Tori. 

Sidenote: IMPORTANT >>> Tori was my friend before I knew Alex, remember that. I asked Tori who that beautiful friend of hers was and she set us up (they've been friends since way back in middle school). So Tori has been my friend since Amanda introduced us back in September of 2014, maybe sooner. 

Tori knows Alex pretty well and I used her as a means to make sure I dont say anything stupid or upsetting (because we all knows words arent my strong suit), so I asked why she thought I got unfriended (this being on Tuesday) and if I should even ask Alex about it, or just ignore that and share only the good news (also, I tell Alex everything I tell Tori, I just make sure Tori agrees the words I use aren't to strong or whatever). Tori hadn't heard from Alex yet and during the call, while I was trying to voice my concerns, Alex beeped in. Tori said to answer it so I let her go and answered.

About 5 minutes into the call, after I'd happily mentioned getting the job, Alex said she had to go because TORI WAS BEEPING IN. About 10 minutes after THAT, I got a text from alex saying "we need to talk."  Essentially, to make a complicated story short, Tori sold me out to Alex. Which wasn't a big deal considering I hadn't hidden anything from Alex, but she got all mad that was was "bitching to Tori about her".

I tried to explain that I wasn't, but Alex only heard what she wanted to and then decided to tell me she didn't want to be my friend ever again, even before that phone call. I asked why and she said because she thinks the 4 texts I sent her in a weeks time made me cligy and then later changed her story to say she tried dating me to be normal and make everyone happy, but she wasn't, when she's finding out she was BORN GAY. Then she called me a homophobe and her and her friends and new girlfriend (whom she started dating 3 days after breaking up with me) all threw stones at me verbally for a collective 40 minutes, where they all said she never chose to be gay, but was born that way, before hanging up on me and leaving me to cry about it.

Sidenote: One thing that can really push my buttons is when people say they didn't chose something. Be proud of who you are, for Pete's sake! I chose to be a christian (or not recently) and I also chose to be heterosexual! Just the same as Alex chose to be gay and my friend Emily chooses to be a vegetarian. It's all the same. Nobody is born a certain way, it's all what we choose.

It was honestly the worst conversation of my life, and more than that, a poorly executed ending of a friendship. Like for real, who does that? I loved her and cared and have SO MANY GAY FRIENDS, that everything she was saying contradicted itself. If I was single at Ahn!Con I would have kissed a guy!! She was on a high horse about EVERYTHING in that phone call and extremely emotional. So much, that it was making her spit out illogical nonsense.

If Amanda hadn't been with Tori and called me after that, I'd have been a wreck. I cried on the phone with Nathan after that, but he had to work and I felt awful doing that to him, but he said he was here for me. I believe him, he always is and I love that he is a lifelong friend. I just wish that Alex had been able to see how great a friend I am. How I do care. So I guess I have another tragedy on my love life history...

Anyway, that was Tuesday. The rest of the week was normal, I guess, but it was odd. Especially since I called Tori after Alex hung up and got mad that she sold me out before Tori hung up on ME and then Amanda called and so on the days went.

I just wish I could find a woman who knows who she is, accepts herself in all of her flaws and attributes, all the good and bad, and accept a man who can love them right. I wish I was still with Jessica to be honest. There was no drama there, just love and acceptance and pure happiness. Oh well, gotta live life, right?

I'm gonna get into this new job and build my income, maybe I'll have a girl who loves me like that by my 22nd birthday. Never know! I will leave the post here though, take what you want from it. I'll post again soon with more job details.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Trying vs. not trying

Alright so this won't be to long a post, I imagine. Just a little update.

So I was having a few concerns with Alex over the weekend past and I thought it would be alright to bring them up. So I decided to call her after last Sunday. Monday morning I had to work until 3pm, but while I was at work, Alex put a huge relationship rant on Facebook about how she's not a touchy feely person and she never used names, but it seemed very directed at me, even though we've never even held hands in the 4 weeks we've dated.

Well I decided to call her after work and talk it out, let her know that I care about her and I like WHO SHE IS and that's why I decided to date her in the first place. Remember, I contacted Tori and SEEKED HER OUT. Well the phone call went horribly south very fast.

Basically I was told that the entire conversation was annoying and she hung up on me. After saying she needed time, she text me a few hours later and we fixed our relationship. Like she was very mature and we got back on track. Then less than an hour after that, she broke up with me. Over text.

Like I understand breaking up on the phone, because she's at college, but she did it over a text message. and on the exact day we'd been dating four weeks. I mean...I don't think you can accurately decide if it's right or not in that short a time frame. However, she said we can be friends and see if getting to know each other works. She didn't say if I had a chance or didn't, but left it at that. Also, she said if I get to clingy or seem to attached, she'd cut ties with me, all together. Yeah...I've learned my lesson from last time. I won't be stupid.

So the last two days, we've text as friends and still snapchat each other, but I don't know if I'm allowed to text her in the morning anymore, or if I need to wait until the afternoon. I mean...She said if I seem to attached. I just wanna text in the morning and through the day. It's not anything bad, but still...I try not to text her before 11am or 12pm. Just because I don't wanna upset her.

But because it was only four weeks and things were even physical in any sense of the word, I didn't get my heart broken. However four weeks was plenty of time to grow strong feelings and I loved her, just not head over heals, only the beginning stages where I care deeply about her and her feelings. Guess I gotta let that go, which hasn't been a horrible process.

This could actually be a really good friendship though! At the core, regardless of her religious differences or our personality's not being 100%, we are a lot alike and have extremely similar interests. For instance, we both want an English degree, we both love the Wii U, and basically we watch the same shows. She has a car and doesn't mind driving places, as I don't, so I'm hoping this works out in our favor. As friends.

Heck, if she and I are still friends at NakaCon, we'll probably have a really great time! She just said she can't see me for awhile, even though she's seen me three times in the past four weeks? I guess that's something I can just let happen and respect.

In the end, your boy Zach Love is single again. I'm not heartbroken, just sad that I went through all the proper channels for once and it didn't work out the first time. My friend Josh thought I was crushed so he bought me some cookies and thought that'd help, plus I was with my friends that night so it also helped me from getting to sad about it. Honestly, I was glad they were there. I've had some problems allowing myself to get depressed in the past.

I'm just kinda riding the wave right now, texting Alex and being the best friend I can be. Though I still keep her name in my phone as it was, "Royal Highness Queen Alex". That's an inside joke between us before we dated, while we were talking.

I hope the following months to come give me better income. I'll take advantage of being single, save every penny, and really hope to God I'm not still broke by March. I NEED MONEY FOR NAKACON. Also, I need a new car....and new glasses, bad....and I need to get some savings built up for an E-fund in case my current car has an issue...I've got my work cut out for me now. Yikes, maybe being single was best? Maybe not. I'm just going to make the best of right now and not bring myself down in whats started out as a fantastic year!

Also, speaking of my last post, there is a 55% chance of you being lucky enough to see more, I'll keep you posted. Tehe.

Until next time, thanks for reading!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Ahn!Con 2015 and my afterward thoughts

So how is everyone's 2015 doing? Mine isn't to bad, if I say so myself! I kinda wish this was the start to my year, every year! Haha! Who knows, maybe it will now!

So I woke up on the 9th entirely ready for my weekend to come! It was going to be great! I was meeting up with Caleb, Astrid, Tori, Carolyn, and Amanda (just a few of my awesome homies) and I would follow them to Ahn!Con since I didn't know where it was. We got there and met up with my girlfriend Alex and hit the Con!

I wish I had video of our great time, but alas I don't! All I can say is after the opening ceremonies, we had a blast! I KNOW, I KNOW! I want to tell you more, but words just don't do justice! Sure, I could saw we watched some anime, played some Smash Bros and Mario Kart Double Dash in the gaming rooms, played Naughty Ninja Olympics (this is a 17+ convention, remember that), played a pairing anime game, entered and lost a Smash Bros tournament (I gave it my all, as Little Mac, I promise!), and  made some awesome new friends, while also spending to much money supporting vendors.

I guess that could cover the entire weekend, but to elaborate or go into detail is just...It just wouldn't be well depicted. Guys, you need to see Ahn!Con for yourselves, because it was a really great time, and it changed my life forever. I know you probably expected more from this post, with how I've played it up on my second blog site, but I just don't have much to say about it. I can tell you that I definitely want to be attending the 2016 Ahn!Con, which is confirmed.

HERE! Take some photos to appease your appetites for entertainment!

There you have it fellers! Ahn!Con 2015 all wrapped up in a cute little package of 3 1/2 paragraphs! WHOOT WHOOT!

The next thing I wanted to talk about were the after affect thoughts/opinions I had formed. Buckle up, things are about to get radical! So I was just doing my thing at the con, but slowly and surely, I started to see things and differ from myself in what I believe.

Ahn!Con, for those who don't know, is a convention that supports gay art and literature. Now I know that I probably have, if not a large or even small, a "following" of religious readers, who read my posts. I challenge every single one of you to comment telling me how I'm wrong. Please, do that! Just make sure you read the rest of this post first. You might feel convicted.

So I met some great people (who shall remain nameless for now) over the weekend and they've been really fun to hang out with and get to know. I even consider them friends now. However, they've chosen to life a life dating the same sex. Now, for me personally, I don't care what they do, I'm not their momma, and I'm sure as hell not gonna try to tell em' that.

In the opening ceremony, the speaker, Peter Pixie, said that this weekend is full of people with different beliefs and sexualities, but nobody judges anyone else. I saw that was true all weekend. Nobody cared about anything more than how great the other person was, and that really moved me. Sure, it's still a convention, so there will be games, shows, etc...But it is a 17+ convention so you can speak freely and BE YOURSELF. Nobody was judged, from what I saw. And I would be a fool to have judged anyone.

Now you can start throwing the bible at me, go ahead! If I give Satan an inch, he'll take a mile. I'm so getting swooned into a life I don't need to dabble in, whatever. BULL SHIT. You think I'm going to let one weekend change who I am? NOPE. However, it OPENED MY EYES to something I was previously blind to.

Have you ever listened to a church sermon and it just REALLY spoke to you, on a level so deep, you felt convicted enough to take action? This weekend was like that, each day was a slowly rising tidal wave of information, and I left feeling so convicted, I had to take action.

As a Christian, I am supposed to believe that if you're homosexual, no matter the situation, you are instantly deemed unworthy of heaven, in your sinful lifestyle, and you are tossed aside and thrown into the deepest depths of hell, like some murderer or doer of dark witchcraft. After this weekend...I'm starting to question that. I just thought that because it was a basic thing on the outlining pages, in the syllabus, for "Being a successful Christian".

Well I don't think that's true. Take a look at this...

Trust me guys, don't think of me so foolish as to not do my research before posting this opinion. If you look in the Old Testament, you'll see ONLY examples of rape when referenced in alignment to homosexuality. Now that flat out tells me that if I'm a Christian, I have to fully believe that gay sex, or any form of anal for that matter, is a sinful act and will get me thrown into hell without any review or second thoughts from God when I stand before him.

However, only one verse in the entire bible (please tell me if I'm wrong) says ANYTHING about being with the same sex in a relationship for, not sexual purposes, but for companionship! That would be 1 Timothy 1:8-10. I will type it out below, just in case you didn't get to read it very well in the picture above.

"8 Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it lawfully, 9 Understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers and murderers, 10 The sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine, in accordance with the gospel of the glory of the blessed God with which I have entrusted."

There, in verse ten, it says "men who PRACTICE homosexuality"...Now that's the closest I could find to anyone flat out saying BEING gay is wrong in Gods eyes. Even then, it doesn't punch me in the face as proof or actual truth. I have to take as what it was, in accordance to when it was written, and assume that this basically means that sexual actions in homosexuality are wrong. I challenge anyone to call me daft, a fool, or anything else, but if you do that, give me PROOF.

I'm looking for answers, not name calling. So please give me any you have, so I can reference them. I just don't see how the God I know, one so loving and compassionate, caring for every soul on this planet, so matter their crimes/sins, can justly condemn someone to hell for wanting happiness and companionship. I have liberated my spirit into a free thinking and accepting mindset and I don't even consider myself a Christian anymore, after this weekend.

What am I? Strait up a Christ believer. I don't even think I'm a Christ Follower, but I believe. I am sure that it brings such a predicament, considering the back-and-forth posts I've had over the years. Especially in my last relationship. Oh how I seeked out Gods council for THAT. It was my single biggest life mistake, because I got THE MOST attached.

Please though, leave me comments, because I'm so confused now, and what I've believed since 2011 is slowly fading into something more...modern? I'm adapting ideas from my time as a Christian and making God more than what I've seen him as. I believe in God, heaven/hell, and that one day God will return and take those who believed to heaven and basically what Revelation says. I just...I don't want to even pick up a bible anymore. I almost got around to it, but now I'm so angry that this is a 50/50 chance of holding water and I cant accept a God like that.

As nice as the people I've met are, they're condemned to hell for their sexuality? No. Maybe other sins, of course, but not sexuality. I refuse to believe it. But HEY! That was my weekend and thoughts....If it offended you...Well, I don't really care. It comes across harsh, but I'm having a inner conflict and I cant find all the answers, I'm like 90% there, but not fully.

Feel free to comment any differing opinions, I earnestly want any you have about the topic of this post. Thanks for reading!