Sunday, October 18, 2015

The End.

I'm done.

I just can't keep posting stuff to remind myself how shitty my life was and continues to be. It doesn't make me "want to be better" or motivate me in any way. I look back at my older posts and just see failure after failure in my life. I'm 22 years old, single, no college degree, and barely making it on my own with two roommates. On top of that, I'll probably be unemployed this time Monday, so nothing even matters anymore.

I don't see a point. I have 12 "followers" whom probably don't read this, and multiple other readers who only use it as a way to stalk and keep tabs on me. I don't need that in my life. I have a crush on a new girl right now but I to damn shy to bring it up because of my own insecurities and her being the most out of my league, ever. Life just keeps finding new ways to screw me over. Financially, mentally, emotionally, and on occasion, physically. I'm done!

This is officially the last blog post Zach Love will ever post on this site. Nobody comments, nobody shows concern for my issues, nobody tries. So why should I? I've only been pushing through because financially I'm doing great and I'm on that 116, if anyone gets that reference (christian rappers use it to represent Romans 1:16).

I'm sorry. I've lost a lot of my friends working this month and now I'll be unemployed next week probably. Life is a shit storm, but when is it now? And now you all think I'm a whiny bitch boy who doesn't know how to grow up and act my age. Yeah, I probably am too. Or I'm just depressed as shit right now and don't know what to do.

If I'm not losing, I'm still losing.

Goodbye forever.

PS If you know me in real life, you obviously know you can keep in touch that way, I'm just done posting these stupid blog posts which plague my life with negative reminders of things I already know.

Goodbye forever (again).

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Eight kinds of stress

Hopefully you weren't biting your nails in anticipation for my next post, because if you were, you'd have have stubs right now, maybe not even fingers. My bad...On the plus, as you can guess, I've been super busy with life throwing me some punches and also giving me some love too. Not romantic love though, we all know I'll probably be single for another year or so (not like I can change that anyway).

So what HAS been happening? I don't even know how to put it in order...Let's just try to group it.

Alex

I can't even express in words how I feel about Alex. It's not romantic love, but it's not friendship love. It's like I want to be her best friend, but I don't want to date her or anything beyond friendship. I don't know if there's a term for that, but it's how I feel. I love her, sure, but not more than anyone would expect. What brought this on? I guess it's just a combination of seeing her over the summer and how open I can be around her. Our friendship doesn't really have any secrets.

It's just the two of us hanging out and having a good time and really, we are pretty open anyway, but we seem to always make time for the other so THAT definitely helps. I really don't know how to word it and this sounds all wrong, but it's all I can really come up with.

More on topic(ish), I helped Alex move to her college apartment this past Friday and that was a crazy long day for me! I had to get up at 5:30 (when I usually get off work at 5am!) and stayed awake until 5:30 the NEXT morning. I don't honestly know I did it, but she was super glad to have my help, and I just wanted to be helpful (and also have an excuse to hang out). It was a rough hour and a half drive though, I don't like driving long distances, so the 5 hour drive to see my brother will be super fun...Haha!

We got finished moving her stuff in by roughtly 2 or 3 in the afternoon and then we had to focus on her room. I hung up all her clothes in her closet and also put up a majority of her posters before heading back home around 11:30 that night. So technically I kept myself up the 24 hours, but I needed to get my body back on track for my overnight shifts. Helping Alex was great though and I'm going to miss her like crazy this semester, but I promised (and I'll keep it) to go see her every month or every other month, and she'll come see me too. So hopefully I'll see her again, just not as frequently as I was seeing her over the summer.

Which brings me to my next topic!

Britny

Not really a lot to say, but I wanted to add that we're talking more again and things are fine. I have learned that sometimes distance helps friendships. I still live by the standard that you can't really trust anyone, but that doesn't mean I can't talk to Britny and get advice and give her the best advice I can give. I love hanging out with her and her smile is still very contagious for me, we just need to actually hang out again now. We haven't spend time in person together for a couple months (maybe less, it just feels like awhile).

Roommates

Nathan doesn't live at the apartment right now, which is for the best right now, and he probably won't come back either. That's a long story too. Which I guess I have the time to tell right now. Okay...

FOR THE RECORD: I don't condone gossip, complaining behind someone's back (or bitching to me at all about someone else), or any other form of shenanigans in the form of not confronting someone personally about an issue in any format (text, call, face-to-face). That being said...

Alex gets 100% of my life and Josh gets about 79% for the time being. I don't really talk to anyone else. I mean if we went fully in depth on percentages, there'd be to many to say and I don't have the time for that. This sums up the point. Now back on topic, yet again.

Amanda and Josh have both told me that they don't want Nathan to move back in, but they want ME to talk to him about it, since I agree, but for different reasons AND because I've been Nathan's friend longer than them (which in their defense makes sense). Amanda's reason is selfishly because she doesn't like Nathan very much after living with him a VERY short while (they're both very head strong and dominant) and also wants her own room to sleep in, which she has while he's away from the apartment at home.

Josh's reason is because Nathan doesn't have a lot of money and he want's him to be financially happy and not stressed about things like bills, especially when his parents WOULD let him come back if this happened. Which it did.

My reason is like Josh's but a lot deeper. I've known Nathan for four years. A long time basically. While I love being around Nathan, living with him hurt our friendship quite a bit. From my perspective, he is super messy and disorganized. I literally can't even comprehend how it doesn't drive him absolutely crazy. That along with him lack of motivation to clean dishes or organize things (which at the time he blamed on being depressed about not finding a job which I 45% excused).

So towards the end, I stopped talking to Nathan, ignored him, got mad at him, and basically waited until I had to say something and yelled at him, which didn't help anything. So being his roommate is not a good idea and it never will be. I don't want him to come back, but if he doesn't May 2016 will be the last month I live with Nathan, indefinitely.

I have more pressing issues now though, because life can't be TO easy for me, right? I seem to always find SOMETHING to complain about and I feel like it's hard wired into my DNA or something, because it's ALWAYS something, unfortunately. Since Nathan has been gone, I've focused hardcore on Caleb.

Caleb

Not only does Caleb live and sleep on our couch (which I didn't agree too, it was a Nathan and Josh vs me 2-to-1 type thing (which was more Nathan controlling that decision)), he also works less than 20 hours a week at The Tree, which you all should remember. Yes, he STILL works there. He tried switching jobs, but ran back to his safety net and now refuses to leave.

He likes to use the excuse of not having a car, but because he still pays his half of bills (which leaves him almost broke), nobody can REALLY say anything or he'll get mad (which, being brutally honest, I don't actually give two shits about). He works a really (being honest here) shitty job. I say that from personal experience! You should already know why I quit The Tree. IT WAS AWFUL. I used it as a crutch for SO LONG and didn't want to get a new or better job.

Though at the time, I didn't NEED a good job. Caleb needs a good job NOW and that's not The Tree. The Tree is for HIGH SCHOOL EMPLOYEES. He's working with a bunch of 15 and 16 year olds! I get SO irritated that he won't even TRY to find a better job! AND that's not even the HALF of why I'm SO upset with Caleb....

In addition to the SUPER SHITTY JOB he has, he is SO UNCLEAN. By that I mean he will NEVER do laundry because "he can do it tomorrow". He barely does laundry once a month. He sleeps and wears the same thing for DAYS ON END (I'm talking 4 or 5+ days sleeping in the same clothes he wore the day past) AND he has to be told EVERY FUCKING TIME to clean or HE WON'T. Not to mention HE'S NEVER NOT PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.

I'm out working 40+ hours at my Security job PLUS my NEW job I just got hired at (Surprise?) today, which is probably an additional 10-20 hours every week! It's just super irritating that he's taking advantage of our kindness and he can deny it all he wants, but nobody willingly sleeps on someone else's couch and is so overwhelmingly disgusting on a consecutive basis for MONTHS on end unless they felt like they had some kind of security where they were.

At the end of the day, I agreed to have two roommates. Nathan and Josh. Now we have Nathan gone and Amanda in his place. In my opinion, I would be perfectly happy living with JUST AND ONLY JUST Amanda and Josh. That's it. Until May 2016, I want to have Amanda and Josh as my roommates. Then I just and ONLY just want Josh as my roommate. I will never again live with Caleb or Nathan EVER again. I LITERALLY CAN'T.

There's a lot of capital words in these past few paragraphs, but for good reason. Surely you can see my problem. I'm not crazy OCD about things, but I'm enough OCD about cleanliness to have some SERIOUS issues with my living conditions.

The worst part is that my internet won't reach the master bedroom (I took Nathans room when he moved out) very well, or I'm guessing, so I moved my Playstation to the living room and now Caleb is ALWAYS asking me to co-op with him and I'm just like NO. I want to fucking play a game by myself, stop trying to invite yourself to everything I do on my console.

On a quick sidenote, the reason I game in my room is because a lot of the time, I'm a hermit. I don't like being social 100% of the time, so now that my Playstation isn't in my room, it SUPER annoys me when I just want to be alone and Caleb is right next to me on his bed, OUR COUCH, trying to invite himself to my game. I'm close to straight up saying NO in a rude way to him, because it's SO ANNOYING.

But backing up a bit, remember that spoiler about a new job? Yeah, HyVee wasn't working as a second job so I'm going to quit that. I got hired on at The Hut (for purposes unknown, we're calling it that) and my orientation is tomorrow evening. Since I gave them hours I can actually work, and they hired me, I'll finally make some extra money to help out financially. Why would I need help financially? Here's why.

So a few weeks back, my mom cosigned and I got a new car (YAY!!) which thrills me like no other! It's a 2002 so it's my first car not from the 90's. It's also my first car with cruise control, four working windows, a driver side door that opens and locks, CD player, working tape player, A/C unit that works properly, and my first car with 4WD.

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited. Now what happened a week later? I FALL ASLEEP WHILE DRIVING HOME. I ended up slamming my car into a concrete divider and bend my tire rod while also super fucking both passenger side wheels/tires. Cost me $400 to fix, but luckily no scratches to the body! Caleb paid $200 to fix my car (he sold his car, saying it "didn't work anymore") and my sister also gave me another $200.

I'm going to pay them back, which I can do fine, but I hate owing money so I picked up The Hut to get that money back faster. Which from what I'm hearing, will be a lot sooner than I'm estimating. Hopefully within a month, I'll have the 400 bucks paid back in full. Plus I still have to license my car and make it totally legal, while selling my old car for hopefully 500 bucks. Anyone wanna buy a '98 Taurus?

So yeah, there's just SO MUCH that irritates me these days and I have 8 kinds of stress making my day feel SO LONG and I've legit cried about it and life is SO HARD and I've had to survive this struggle but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I know I swear a lot and I have this stuff happening to me, but I still pray every day and thank God for what I have so it's not like I'm totally "alone".

Alex makes everything better too. I can talk to her about anything and call her anytime day or night and she'll be here for me, as I will be for her. She just won't call me when she knows I'm sleeping (anytime 5am-3pm). I love her for that. No, for everything! She is slowly proving to me why I should never give up on people. I'm not saying I'm gonna start "letting people in", she's the only one right now past the brick walls around my heart, but I'm just saying she's restoring my hope in humanity.

Trying not to be cynical or anything, but I hope if I find a wife, she'll be like Alex. Someone who see's me, but doesn't judge me based on looks, but personality. Someone who gets my humor and makes me smile, loves me for all my imperfections, and understands that I'll say stupid shit and upset or even hurt them, but they'll understand loyalty and forgive me. And vise versa.

My problem is I date woman who don't understand loyalty. They think one fight means the end of the relationship and won't "chance" for a second one. Nahh, people say stupid shit and upset others, but you forgive them and love them still.

I won't even lie, I want a relationship. I have been single for 7 months, 11 months since my last serious relationship, and I'm ready. Maybe not financially, but that'll hopefully change with The Hut. I'm estimating I'll be "ready" for a relationship before Christmas, but when is anyone "ready" for any kind of relationship or commitment?

Maybe God wants me to focus on him first? Then that's selfish though. I deserve my blessing. I work so hard for what I have and my pride makes me earn everything I have. I don't take hand outs, they have to be given. Then again God is jealous God, I remember that much from the bible. He wants to be number one in my life. In everyone's.

I guess we'll see. I'm in no rush anyway, I don't wanna plant roots or "invest" in a general living area until I'm in my mid or late 20's. I'll be in Missouri (or Kansas) until I'm 23 for sure, but after that, who knows where life will take me!

I guess to end this post, I''ll say this.

Life is wicked good, but it's also wicked bad. Yin and Yang, All that cliche stuff is true, the eternal struggle of good and evil exists. It's all about what you let have the bigger half of control. Right now my goodness is stronger than my greatness, but at the same time I've become very strongly opinionated about things and less outspoken than a year ago. Hell, than 6 months ago! Alex has helped a lot with that, but I've also done some personal growth. Things I never wanted to let go of, I had to, and it's been for the better.

Until next time,..

Friday, July 3, 2015

Stability and settling in

So my last post was a little harsh, rude, mean, etc...You could probably find a word. Looking back (and reading it over again), I definitely feel like an asshole now. Things were just in my face and when that happens to me and I don't have someone to calm me down, I get all emotional and freak out all over the place. I ended up freaking out when I could post a blog and...You saw the result of that.

To clear things up, I just paid my second months rent a few days ago on July 1st and I have to say, I no longer fully regret living with Nathan or Caleb. I was just angry at the situation and mad at myself for allowing it to happen to me. I should have taken a step back and really looked at my situation from a different perspective or something. I plan on making some progress with that, hopefully.

Nathan actually got that assistant manager job he wanted and he's working almost every day now, which means he'll have a consistent set of income flowing as of next weekend. That makes me really happy but makes him the happiest. I knew how badly he wanted some good money and I could see how upset he was with his situation and how he was trying to do something about it. Luckily, my prayers got answered and he got a good job.

Caleb called the manager of The Tree and got approved to work shifts again and put back on the schedule. Not ideal if you ask me, since that's an awful job and pitiful excuse for an establishment (I worked there for over four years). Still, it's money for right now. I just hope Caleb actually looks for a better job. He can't have The Tree forever.

Reflecting at all I've got in life right now, I'd say it's safe to say I'm blessed. I have money to pay my bills, all of them, food in my kitchen, and my friends/family. Oh yeah, speaking of friends, I have a little update about that too.

Does anyone remember back in late December when I dated Alex, who ended up breaking up because she decided she was a lesbian? Yeah, I'm kinda her best friend now.

Wait. I'm what? Let me explain!

So out of the blue, we just started...idk, talking again and eventually she and I got super close and I helped her with some relationship things regarding her girlfriend and her, we've hung out a few times, and boom! I guess she decided to place me upon her list of "besties" as she put it.

She told me one night that I'm one of the nicest guys she knows and she's glad I'm her friend and she loves me ( in a platonic way). Seriously, I don't even know what I did so right. Either way, I see it as a sign that I'm not cursed. I keep saying how every woman I get involved with finds someone (look at the stats) and hates me, but Alex doesn't hate me anymore. I guess she decided it was to much work to hate me. I can relate.

When you hate someone, it takes energy from you, and gives you a burden to carry, which nobody wants. I'm so glad Alex decided to drop that and become my friend again, because now I've learned more about her and really appreciated her more as a friend than I did while dating her. I kinda just said, "hey you're pretty" and she agreed and we dated. I didn't really get to know her. I liked her, you betcha! I just don't think it would have worked in the long run anyways. On the plus, she changed from a lesbian to a pansexual, so technically I didn't get dumped by a lesbian, just left for another woman, haha...Well I thought it was funny.

As for Britny...Well, I guess I fumbled the ball and never got the chance to recover it. Shocker, right? I tend to screw things up sometime and in some way, but this one takes the absolute cake for stupidest reason ever, and here's why.

I was texting and partially snapchatting with Britny one day a few weeks back and in a conversation about us, I slipped that I hope she can talk to me and I can be here for her as her best friend. As I was snapchatting her, I got one back from her friend of 10 years saying she was her best friend and nobody else. I took it teasingly and played along saying, "Of course, but you can have more than one", etc...Well it got to the point where she was disagreeing with me and got angry and started yelling at me.

And I got defensive.

I flat out told her she was being rude and mean and I wasn't trying to take anyone away from another and people can have 2 or 3 or even more best friends (her and Britny had been friends for 10 years and counting). Well then she got really mad at me and I just gave up. I told her I was done and to "give the f*cking phone back to Britny". That's when I got a text from Britny yelling at me, stating that I was wrong and no matter what, in every situation, she will side with her friend and NEVER with me. She said she didn't care how that sounded or that it was rude, just that it was the truth.

It deeply hurt me. Enough to the point where in our short time as friends, my starting to trust her stopped. I had started to let her in and we've hung out a few times now, so I told her secrets and she just threw them back at me. Since then, she scarcely talks to me. She can say she's busy moving or work is busy or whatever she wants, but we used to text every day, for hours. We've even had long phone calls too, but nothing since (on the phone). Just a few texts for roughly an hour, if that, and then nothing else.

Yesterday (being July 1st), I wanted to text her, but I asked myself "why?" and "Will she give you the time?", which is awful, but now I feel like I'm back at square one. It seems with people, I only last a short while, because I'm always to blame. I used to like Britny, like a lot, and now all that feeling does is allow me to get hurt.

I wanted to trust someone again and she promised me she'd be here for me and let me in for her too, but now I feel like those are empty promises. I just want to take back ever saying she was my best friend. Just friend. Just ignoring the word "best" in that, as if it means something. I wish I could go back and rephrase that one text. Lord knows I'll never say that again though.

I told Alex about that and she thought it was ridiculous and even said I'm one of her best friends and it's silly to take that so seriously. I agree, but I guess I can justify her reasons. You guys know how great I felt about Britny in my last post too, but now this. Life sure does change the rules a lot, huh? I'd still go back though and take back what I said, if I could. I'd still have Britny if I did.

Other than that, everything in my life is going fantastic. I might even have something fun to post after this week....

Until then, thanks for reading.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Apartment/Roommate rant!

Alright so this is going to come across as more of a rant than anything, which is okay since the title of my blog is actually "Random videos and RANTS". Anyway, just remember, things are not as they seem nor as they appear at first glance (even second)!

So Nathan. The little bugger has gone and done it. Living with Nathan has opened my eyes, tremendously. I have learned that in this short time, he isn't who he was as my friend before living together. Let me explain. When Nathan talked me into the idea of looking for an apartment, I thought living with my best friend would be great! But you have to consider, worrying about money doesn't make you an asshole. In fact, quite the opposite. Let me explain THAT now.

So we moved in together and you already know what happened with Nathan not affording all his rent. Now this month, he's claiming he can't pay ANY rent, ANY internet, ANY grocery money, or ANY electric bill. All he can afford he said was his phone bill and gas money. THEN WHY THE FUCK DID HE MOVE INTO THIS APARTMENT?! Sorry for the language, but sometimes you gotta let it out and this is me doing that.

All Nathan has done since he's lived here and worked a little and played video games the rest of the time, while eating sandwiches from Josh and my grocery money and drinking soda Josh bough for us. Speaking of Josh, he's 100% on top of his bills like me. It's Nathan who's the unreliable bum in this scenario. Kinda a harsh statement, but progress isn't made with kindness and gentle nudges. I was told Nathan had an interview as some pizza place this week for an assistant manager position. I hope that works out.

On to the next surprise though.

unfortunately, my friend Amanda and her grandma had a fight, which by the end made Amanda homeless. She crashed on our couch twice, but then went to live with her parents again in Lathrop. Why am I saying this? Well our friend Caleb lived at her grandmas too, and he still could, but he thought it'd be weird or whatever and decided to move back to Gardner, where his parents are.

Sidenote: The same day Amanda was kicked out, Caleb lost HIS job.

Nathan, seeing an opportunity, talked Caleb OUT of moving to Gardner and INTO moving to our apartment, WITHOUT ASKING ME. So now I have Nathan, who barely works, and Caleb, who DOESN'T work...Caleb has paid me twice for groceries, but I don't know what he's going to do for rent and utilities, because I haven't once seen him look for a job or mention it. He just plays games with Nathan. ALL DAY.

Look, I'm as nice as anyone, and if anyone knows me, I'm the nicest guy you'll meet, but there's a point where I just won't accept being taken advantage of.

So what am I doing tomorrow (6/23/15)? I'll be washing dishes, cleaning the apartment, and taking out SEVEN pizza boxes to the trash (one of those being mine). I have been WORKING, I haven't had the TIME to make a mess or use THAT many dishes! I'm doing dishes now 5 days a week and bitching at them only worked for a week, and now...they tune me out and ignore it.

I love living on my own. I hate living with Nathan and Caleb. I enjoy living with Josh! I don't enjoy the shit I have to deal with because of Nathan and Caleb. Money is the root of all evil and now I see why. I'm straight pissed off about this. They need to help out. If they don't have a job, they need to pick up their trash and do dishes at least twice a week. If I'm working 32 hours a week OVERNIGHTS, sleeping during the day, and still doing dishes 5 DAYS a week...They can manage two.

I mean, I don't even think it's that hard. It's just some dishes. It takes me like 20 minutes when I do it. and taking trash out is easy as 1, 2, across the parking lot!! We're on the ground level. I say all this because it's been almost 2 months now with Nathan and my first with Caleb (who isn't even on the lease (yet)) and I'm drawing the line. Tomorrow (6/23), I'm calling them BOTH out. I'm going to, in their words, be an asshole. And I'm not going to care anymore. I'm calling Caleb out on his job search and I'm calling Nathan out on his too along with his money situation.

Honestly I'm more worried about Caleb than Nathan. Nathan and I had a talk, which pissed off Nathan and he hasn't talked to me in 2 days because of it, but I think he got the point. All I need to say to Nathan is to pick up his trash and do dishes like once a week so I'm not doing it every time. Caleb needs a full on intervention.  He needs to either do his part or go back to Gardner. Straight up. He says he doesn't have a car, but that shouldn't matter. He can walk anywhere in the area and he has a bike parked in our kitchen! He can find SOMETHING. Not to mention, I don't work and am awake 4pm-8am most days. Even still we have 3 other cars that can pick him up/take him to work!

NO EXCUSES.

Lastly, Josh. I fucking love Josh and his girlfriend. They're great and we're getting along great! He pays his rent, bills, and etc..while also having fun with his girlfriend, who comes over a lot, and that's great! I really appreciate getting to see Josh more because he's a cool dude and living with him has been fun!! Just thought I'd say something about Josh here too. We're doing great!

Well there you have it. That's the roommate rant. As for me? I've gained 15 pounds since moving in and my stress levels have doubled. I am angry all the time and it sucks. I'm trying to keep calm, but everything seems to be on me, as of late. I guess we'll just see what happens tomorrow.

Wish me luck...

Friday, June 5, 2015

Feels! Apartment deets and secondish job?

I know I promised you guys pictures of the apartment, but that requires actually getting on my laptop at home and dealing with the lag of taking them off dropbox and putting them on here, which I can do, but just don't remember to do every time I think about it. As I stated in my last post, you should really just follow my snapchat, I posted apartment videos of me walking through the whole layout. Don't hate me, please, for the empty promise of apartment pics?

Well it sure has been awhile, huh? Britny was reading some older posts (proof that some people do read my blog still!) and asked why I hadn't posted in a month. I have actually been so busy, it never occurred to me! So here I am, at work, 2:30 in the morning, typing you guys a new post filled with goodies of information!

Well the apartment is going great, I paid my first months rent this past Monday and realized I can actually afford this, in real life and everything! The only part I didn't like was that Nathan had quit his job and lost his other one because of the job he quit and had no money so he only paid HALF of his half of rent (which is like 240 bucks). So I had to go 40 over my rent for him while Josh (our other roommate and friend) paid the additional 80ish bucks.

Nathan just paid me back the 40 yesterday though so I'm feeling better about it. He did find another job 2 days later though, so he's not broke, it was just inconvenient timing he did all this two days after we sign the lease and make everything official. I ain't even mad! I could tell he wasn't happy about it and that's why he got another job so quickly. We should be fine.

Speaking of jobs (this is SO out of order, but it's a jumbled month of information), just tonight...err, yesterday? On June 4th, to be specific, I hadn't gotten a call back from Clubby Sam's (Not actual name, I'm being witty), where I applied for a job, and they told me that THE NIGHT BEFORE, an overnight guy quit and they didn't have overnights available until THAT happened and now they want me to come up there this Tuesday coming up and talk to them or work, they weren't specific.

I'm just super glad it worked out for me. What I usually do is apply at one place I want most, then if I don't get that send out 4 or 5 more applications. I didn't have to send any out after my first choice and I'm so glad! Now all I need is to ask for 10.00/hour and get 15-20 hours a week and my genius plan will go perfectly! Oh, you don't know it! Prepare to be BLOWN away!

I am making enough for my bills, but that's it. I don't have a lot left over after that so I get nervous all the time with my money, so in an attempt to fix that, I figured I'd work a second job, which I was trying to do with HyVee, but they haven't scheduled me in 8 weeks and I told them 10 weeks ago, I wanted to work evenings and overnights. I was "told" that they didn't have anywhere to put me. Right. I don't like bickering about it, so I got productive and looked for a job that had somewhere to put me and that would value me as an employee. Which is why I'm so happy about Clubby Sam's.

Also! My friend Sierra (Yes, THAT Sierra from The Tree...(long story)) put in a good word for me and I think that helped me. Not sure, but it definitely couldn't have hurt. I won't go into details how Sierra and I became friends again, it was basically out of the blue, but I'm not complaining.

So work and apartment are doing good. Me? I'm doing great! Most days are good days, and the days that aren't make me glad I have Britny to talk to. In the time I've known Britny, I've gotten to know her and really see how great a person she is. Okay, I'll spill the beans.

Since Mikaela broke up with me last August, I'll admit I've had some issues. She broke me. You want a metaphor? Imagine a 2,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, how long does it take to solve that? Especially alone. Now picture broken glass on a sidewalk. Will you ever find all the pieces? No. Some are big, some are small, and some are stuck in between the pavement, never to be found again. I lost my ability to love for a long time, my ability to trust for an even longer time, still relapsing to today. I can't...just trust people now.

Britny saw that and told me she'd never push me further than I'm willing and to only say what I want, when things got deeper in our conversations. I appreciated that, but I knew I'd never in my lifetime let her in. She could hurt me, who knows how bad, and I won't take risks anymore. My baggage has held me back from so much and so many things that I've wanted to do or say.

The worst part, I want to let it win. Ever allowing myself to heal would mean allowing myself to be broken again. I still pray for healing, for Britny and her problems to be solved, Nathan and his money situation, etc..I care about people, and I always will, but going far enough to trust someone...Never thought I would ever do that again.

It took me less than 10 seconds to see how beautiful Britny was, but 5 seconds to remind myself she had a boyfriend. It took me roughly over a month to develop a crush, but waited till past 2 months to tell her. I knew before I said anything she didn't feel the same, but it was driving me crazy to hide. When the rejection was sent back my way, I wasn't surprised. She was nice about it, but it didn't hurt any less. I felt like an asshole in the first place for even putting the thought in her head. I know she has a boyfriend, I've been dumped for other guys before, so I never ever want to be that guy. I don't even honestly know what I expected to hear back. It was a foolish thing to feel all together.

Lucky for me, she told me it doesn't change anything, she is glad I told her and she isn't going to stop talking to me because of my honesty in how I feel. That caught me by a BIG surprise! All the scars I had from woman and she DIDN'T add to them.

A few weeks later, we were having a pretty deep conversation because I was beyond  CRAZY depressed about being alone, but I wouldn't tell her, I was scared to be honest. Scared to say that I was afraid of being alone forever. That every time I like someone, it's an unattainable woman or someone out of my league all together.

She did something for me I never thought anyone would do. She stayed and cared. She talked to me, like really talked to me. Eventually I cracked, I told her how I felt. How depressed I was, how bad it was, etc...I just...I was scared, but I let her in slowly. By the end of that conversation, I knew what I had to do. I couldn't just live my life, hiding from people, having a smile on my face, but a darkness and weight on and in my soul. My heart has been SO fucking heavy lately, making me depressed.

Sure, I got a whole lot of good in my life. On the list of pro's vs. con's, the pro's outweigh the con's, but most days, it doesn't feel that way. I just want to feel normal! I just want to stop seeing ALL my friends in happy relationships and be in one myself. My failures just feel so enormous, I don't know that I even deserve that kind of happiness.

I told Nathan about this one aspect of how I felt and he said being in a relationship is fine, but look at the rest of his life. Not everything gets better with a relationship. Nothing I haven't heard before. I know that. I don't expect my life to get better. I do expect the right woman will improve things though. Make each day a little brighter and keep the dark days away. I know who I AM, both in myself and in Christ, so that part of me is figured out.

I'm ready to be in a relationship, but nobody else seems to be. In fact, I've prayed about it. I often feel my prayers aren't answered, but I have a very vivid memory of when I know it was. Around last month, maybe the month before (not sure the exact day/time), I was talking to Britny and she just wan't feeling good. She was feeling down and the distance between us makes me feel so useless to help her. I told her I'd pray for her, which is a great thing to do, but reading it in a text doesn't make you feel any better.

Well I prayed a genuinely deep prayer and admittedly teared up a little, from imagining someone I care so much about feeling so down. Well the next day, I asked her how she was doing and to my surprise, she said she felt great! I had prayed for peace to enter her heart and relax her mind and it worked! I was filled with such joy! I had never seen a prayer answered so quickly and I imagine it was because of how selfless the prayer was.

I wish good on everyone, even in my darkest times, I wish good on everyone, even those bringing me down or tearing my name down. I doubt the truth will ever come out about a lot of things I've been wronged for, but I don't hate people, I can't.

I didn't really intend for a feels post, but it kinda just happened, my bad. Well, needless to say, and back on topic with Britny, I have decided as of late to let her in. She flat out said she didn't want to lose me and I agree. She can't see me NOT in her life and I feel the same. I trust her. For her to accept me. All of me, and still want to continue the beautiful friendship we have...It's proof that she's worth it. I'll let her in. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want another blog post where I explain how I was wrong to feel this way.

I think she can change my mind, that not everyone wants to use or hurt me. I don't have to believe that, but I want to. I do think she'll be a friend and I'll have plenty of good things to blog about. I'm more situated in my apartment and my laptop is finally set up at my apartment. I'll try to make sure my next post is the apartment pics post, but no promises.

It's a long, winding road, but sometimes that's the road that leads you further than the straight, clean ones. I haven't given up so you can't either. Anyone reading this, you simply can't let your situation or the pain of loss/fear/helplessness control you. I wish everyone the best and I'll see you all next post!

Friday, May 1, 2015

Witcher World Ops 3-8, new friends, and apartment news!

Didn't think I'd be back before the move, did ya? Well lucky you, you get another post before then! Just a quick little FYI though, before I continue. If you're not my friend on social media, especially snapchat (phatlove), go do that right now (like pause the process of reading this and GO)! I will have so many fun new things going on in my life once I move, I can't wait to annoy my roommates Nathan and Josh with my snapchat pics, videos, etc. Not to mention the blog posts about them...hehe. I have a goal to make a collaboration of my snapchats someday and post that on social media for you guys who read my posts and aren't my friends. That way you get a small taste of how incredibly awesome I am (or think I am)!

OKAY! Apartment news! Nathan is the greatest best friend a guy could ask for, regardless of how much I complain, haha...I really do love the guy and can't live without him, but we've already had a couple big disagreements about things. First of which being my budgets. I make a new budget every month for my finances. That way I can properly assess what money goes towards bills and what extra I have.

For example: Today I got a third paycheck for the month. Since I'm use to getting two a month, I don't need to put this towards rent money, car insurance, phone bill, or anything else. Instead, I decided to pay off my Kohls card and give the hospital part of it's $500 I owe from Mikaela's bullshit false police call. I'm over it, just saying. So I am going to use my extra paycheck for that and pull back extra funds for savings since I spent EVERYTHING from my last paycheck to pay off a separate hospital bill of $765 (again, bullshit, but it had to get paid somehow). I'm just blessed I had enough! God was surely looking out for me there!

But anyway, I was just took this extra paycheck and I'm saving most of it (because apartment next month and priorities!), but I did go to Gamestop and put $45 towards The Witcher 3 and $5 towards Call of Duty: Black Ops 3, then went home and bought Rollers of the Realm on the Playstation eShop. I am now set for the month. No more games will be purchased until 2 paychecks from now. Well not true, I gotta finish the $60 for Witcher 3 before the 19th of May, but that's $15 and then not a penny more towards games for the time being.

I'll be dividing up Black Ops 3 over 12 weeks, so I'll have it paid off in 3 months (so, around July or August), which is great since it doesn't come out until November and I know in advance I'll buy this game. Games like Splatoon just rip me down the middle. Do I buy or no? It's just not enough to sell me. So I'm not buying it at release OR buying the Amiibo for it. At least not right now. Nintendo needs to really give a good E3 presentation this year, because I'm not seeing a big lineup of games I want to buy from them this year...I wanted Zelda Wii U and that got pushed so I'm now waiting to see what else they have up their sleeves.

I have a picture on my phone of the games I want right now. All of them are for the Playstation. If there is a LEGO game, I always buy it for Playstation now, because I get trophies and that's super cool to me, rather than just playing for fun, So when I buy LEGO Jurassic World, I'll be getting it for the Playstation, not the Wii U. Sad, but I have a really good lineup of games already for my Wii U, and I just got the newest DLC for Mario Kart 8 so I'm set and very happy right now, not to mention I still need to 100% beat Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker! I haven't done the bonus levels completely yet!

I didn't write this to ramble on about video games though, I promise, though I know how bad I can get with it when I'm really into the conversation! Now I was hoping to talk about my new friend Britny!

It's very rare that I make new friends, but when I do and I'm happy about it, I'll mention them briefly on here. Sometimes, I'll say more than other posts, but generally I just like to mention them so I remember how much I like em, haha.

So I was scrolling through the Craigslist posts one night at work (best intro sentence ever, I know) and came across an ad looking for a "strictly platonic" friend. It said to include a photo and she'd reply as she had a photo posted on the ad. Well I took a chance and replied with no photo since I was at work, though I explained that in the email. Lucky for me, she replied. We ended up talking back and forth until she felt comfortable moving to snapchatting, followed by texting each other. After a few weeks (if memory serves), we agreed to meet in person.

Let me tell you, Britny and I talked for I believe 7-9 hours just getting to know each other and had a great time! She was really fun and said I was too! We've got this kind of friendship where we just talk to each other about anything and it's nice. I haven't had something so good like this is a long time and I like it. I really don't ever want to lose the feeling I get knowing I have a friend like Britny.

Well that's all I can really say right now, since we've only hung out the one time, but we've made plans to hang out again soon or once I move, depending on how many boxes I have everywhere in my room next week.

Speaking of that, I'll move onto my apartment news (Did you notice how I said this earlier and then went WAY OFF on a tangent about my budgeting and how Nathan doesn't agree with it? Yeah, I do that in person and forget and it's awful, haha)! Anywho, I mentioned Nathan because he's dating the sweetest new girl, whom I won't blog about because that's weird (though I realize in high school, I posted wierder shit like crushes and stuff). Well Kay (I'll call her Kay for blog purposes) basically begged Nathan to let her help pay for our first months rent and the rest of our downpayment so after like a 40 minute conversation (I wasn't there, Nathan told me later), he accepted and now I won't have to worry about any money issue with my paycheck from today! I'm so happy!

I, yet again, say how I feel SO BLESSED right now! If you saw my snapchat from last Tuesday morning around 4am when I was on my last patrol at work, I stated how I had $2.00 in my checking account and had enough to put $15 in my gas tank before work and that held me until payday. though I went in the negative 18 bucks, I got paid still and I made it! My PSN renewed without telling me, my spotify pulled out 2 weeks late, and I had to pay the hospital that large $765 I mentioned.

I lived on around $25 for two weeks and survived. I was so proud and felt blessed at the end. Though I know I don't have the best spending habbits, not having ANY money, savings or checking, showed me how real life can get. I've always had money in the bank, until recently. Now I'm living from paycheck to paycheck. I need a new car still! I have other pressing issues...Yet life won't let up and I still come out with ENOUGH!

I just stop sometimes and thank God for everything and everyone in my life! Lastly, speaking of God, I'd like to point out something. As of late, I've really focused on who I am and what I want and I have come to the conclusion that I will never again live under the label of 'Christian'. There's to much negative. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in a previous post or not, but just as a tiny little recap if I have, I am more comfortable now than ever to say that I'm thankful, praise God, and even trust God to lead me.

That last one is a doozy, but it's true. Or I'm trying to make it so. Have you heard "Fly" by Derek Minor? It's such a good song. I am trying to really broaden my perspective. Its a song I can raise my hands too or close my eyes and really focus on the lyrics to. I recommend you take a listen, religious or not. One day, I really hope Nathan asks me to pray with or for him. I pray for him every day and because of my beliefs, I worry about the friends in my life who are living without knowing the God I do.

They love me because I don't press God or religion on them, but it scares me at the same time. Does that make me a bad friend for not giving them the gift of God I have or a good friend for respectfully letting them believe in nothing? It's a hard question and I don't wanna stir anything wrong, but I am so thankful for Nathan.

Well there you have it guys! Another day, another post! I hope to have pictures of the new apartment next time you see a new post. As always, I love to hear from you guys, so drop comments below! Have a great day, night, and week! I'll see you great readers next time!

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Its about Naka, and Bloodborne, and Magic and girl...friends?

I am so very and extremely sorry for not keeping everyone up to date on current events, but not to worry! I am typing this blog from work at 5:26 in the MORNING! Yes, IN THE MORNING! Which obviously means the job is going well, my security gig, hehe.

Well I know you all probably hate me if you're an active reader or even if you check back every few weeks for a good read (or not?) every now and again. Well either way, I am sorry for not posting. A lot has been going on and you'll soon see why...A lot.

Let's start by getting into the deep of the details and start with three words: We broke up.

Yes, I know. It wasn't even a month and we broke up, whaaa...why? Here's why. Basically in the first 30 days of our relationship, things were great and she was a nice woman, really! I just...When we kissed, I just, didn't feel anything. I can't say that about any of my ex's (except Alex, who never even wanted to kiss me, haha... (sidenote: she missed OUT!)), but even not feeling anything, I didn't feel a spark (when we hung out, cuddled, kissed, etc.) making me feel connected or any kind of way it'd work beyond friendship.

It's honestly the biggest tragedy because Miranda and I had so much in common! I just can't say THAT enough, so I did what my ex's failed to do, I broke up the right way.

I took Miranda to lunch (date?) and afterwards, I PAID, and we talked in her car. I simply told her my feelings weren't stronger than friendship and the "spark" you're supposed to feel wasn't there. I told her that since it had only been a month, I wanted to save our friendship, because I really did like her (AND I DO!) so I wanted to be honest about things.

I even cried telling her all this, YES I CRIED, and felt truly bad about everything. I told her I liked her, I asked her out, I asked her to be my girlfriend, I met her parents, I made everything happen...I felt bad about it all after not feeling the spark, but I did what I felt was THE BEST WAY to handle breaking up for the first time (Jessica wasn't my decision ("technically"), thats why I say first).

So Miranda and I still keep in touch and she even agreed to come see me soon and hang out, but as far as KEEPING in touch...That's harder, which I understand. I'm kinda just giving her time to adjust, I'm guessing it's harder on her than me. I say that, because I know it was harder for me than my ex's who ended it with ME.

It's always tough in a relationship, but I have the history now to show me what I want in  a woman, what I like, and who I am. I just won't be that guy who uses woman or does what he wants and lives "care-free". That's rude and my momma raised me better than that. I'm not going to go around collecting a "jar of hearts" like a soulless, cold man who tears people apart. I just want a relationship that makes ME happy (and of course, a relationship where they're equally as happy).

I've had that with some ex's, who ended it with me, and yes, I miss that! However, I'm going to look for that with a future, lucky woman. It's just not easy...especially meeting and/or talking in person. Where does a man go?! Not going to "hot spots" where 420 friendly, crazy woman are. Trust me, no thanks! I'll find someone, I just gotta be patient.

Sidenote: I have recently found out that two ex's are engaged and one has recently gotten married, making me "the one" before "the one" for 3 out of 5 woman (where one doesn't even count on account of being a lesbian). HOW IS THIS MY LIFE AND LUCK?

That's my little rant on relationships for this post, we all know I have an opinion and even so, I have started to loathe woman, as a whole. I've been burned, used, cheated on, and made a fool for loving someone "to much". All the while, trying to date christian woman (3/5) and the only SANE woman were the NON christian woman!! According to statistics, Jesus makes woman CRAZY AS HELL.

I can't even...

Moving on, work has been good, I have been keeping up with my Fri-Mon shifts and makin' hella bank. I called off work for NakaCon on March 13-15th and that really killed my paycheck. It's basically saying, "I'll pass on the $300, I got plans." I have to make sure I'm available to call off for future cons, I can't go losing that much money, It screws my next 4 weeks of finances up, and my next con is going to be in June when I go to Sausomecon!

Speaking of finances, I better say this now. You all know how I was looking for an apartment, right? More to the details first, my mom has to live in KCMO to work at the airport, it's part of the rules, so she's doing that. However, I told Nathan about that (my best friend, and basically my brother to be honest), and he and I had a talk about it, like a serious, SERIOUS talk about it. He told me he REALLY wanted to move out himself and this might be the BEST time to do this for us.

Towards the end, I asked him straight forward, "Nathan, so yes or no, do we wait or do we take the jump and move out?" and after a pause, I heard him take a breath and reply, "Yes, I want to move out." In that moment, I felt my heart drop, the air leave my lungs, and I stopped for a moment and just stood there, all moisture leaving my mouth. After a few moments pause, I replied and said, "Alright," laughing nervously, "We're doing this. No backing out after I hang up." (This was a phone conversation).

And THAT'S what brings me to saying this next little bit. Nathan and I looked and finally found an apartment complex (thanks to my friend Lauren (whom I've never mentioned in blogs since high school (or maybe I haven't))) after one other attempt and failure (which was a close call!) and after waiting a week and paying the $40 application fee, WE. GOT. APPROVED.

On May 15th, I will be moving into MY FIRST APARTMENT. This will be my literally stepping into adulthood. I will then be fully independent. My own car, job, place to live, bills, and the whole shabang. I'm doing it. It's hoping it's nothing like "Time of our lives" by Pitbull and Ne-Yo, haha...I will definitely make sure I can pay rent!! Well, the song, not the video...The ladies can come over and dance anytime, hahaha!

But more on track, life has been really complicated lately, which is why I haven't been able to post. The last thing that's kept me busy, other than playing a TON of magic (the gathering) since NakaCon, because I'm playing a lot, is the release of Bloodborne (PS4 exclusive). After over 40 hours of gameplay, I beat the game and have since then been playing New Game Plus (NG+ for short), which is a harder version of the game.

I have been trying like hell to obtain ALL the trophies in the game, but haven't actually found them all yet. In my second playthrough, I might just go get the rest of my trophies and then rush to the end of the game again, because there are three different endings, meaning three trophies for each decision. one being very tricky. I won't post any spoilers, but I will say I've posted countless screenshots and even videos, like boss battles or killing enemies in my boxers, on my Facebook account. So if we're not friends, you're missing out.

In the end, life happened. That's kept me very busy and now, with moving May 15th, I have to make sure everything goes smoothly so don't expect another post until after I move. I really hope this catches you up and I love to hear from you guys so leave me comments and feedback! I had a ton of NakaCon photos I wanted to share with you, but I'm typing this post at work so I don't have a way to add photos.

Have a great day readers and stay classy!

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Enjoy this free music!

I have a couple of playlists I listen to frequently on Spotify, if any of you are curious or interested, I'll post them here for you to follow and/or listen to! You could even bookmark this post and come back anytime to check for updates (I'm not sure how that works)! Anywho, here you go!

Playlist One:


Playlist Two:


Playlist Three:


I pay for premium so I don't have commercials, but if you don't have premium, you'll get a commercial every 10 minutes I think, I'm not sure. Just a heads up, thanks for reading/listening!

Snowing at applebee's after midnight!

So have I got an update for you! If any of you read the second blog site (go bookmark it if you haven't!), you had a tiny tidbit of information, but here is where I'll divulge in the whole scoop! Prepare for some kind of post!!

So after my last post, you were sent on a written journey of the shortest relationship of my life so far. Sucks for me that she decided to be a lesbian, but I hope she's happy, I really do! I haven't actually spoken to Alex since she (and her entire friend group) ended our friendship, Things just kinda...To put it nicely, I don't care to contact her right now, or at all. I'm totally done, ties cut.

Anywho! About the job, IT IS GOING GREAT!!! I worked my first 12-8 and it was easy peasy and the first 9-5 was even easier! I love the gig I've gotten! EEE!! So if any of you follow me on Snapchat, you see the crazy, cooky things I do while I'm at work, what I'm watching, and the beautiful sunrise on my 12-8 shifts! Let me tell you, the sunrise is so much more beautiful from that guard shack. 

Point is, I love it!! I patrol every other hour 9-5 and after 5 if I work until 8am, I watch the cameras to look for intruders or whatnot. It's that chill. The 8-4 is the hardest shift I think, that or the 4-12, I'm not sure exactly. I feel like 8-4 would have the most people coming in. I wouldn't know haha.

Also! I had a date this previous Thursday! Her name is Miranda and we met at Applebee's for our first date. We met online, hit it off right away, and after a couple of weeks, decided to meet, but we liked each other, so decided  to make it a date, and heres the best part!

We ended up talking for 5 hours when it felt like just a couple! IT WAS AWESOME!! I mean, I've had great conversations before, but very seldomly does a conversation pass hours like it did Thursday. I was mad impressed with our ability to keep chatting. Definitely a good sign. As a true gentleman does, I paid for the meal (it's a thing I do, always first date to be polite). We hugged and went our separate ways but she text me the following day saying she would love a second date, and I agreed!

So now we have a second date planned for this upcoming Wednesday! I'm feelin' good about this one. 2015 has been the best, so this has to follow suite, right? I mean, my luck is turning around (knock on wood)! I'm just super pumped about it.

I always get Tuesday through Thursday off unless HyVee schedules me, which they haven't. They completely cut me from the schedule next week (again)! Reasons why I got a new job...I can't live on crap money, I have bills to pay and, new to you guys knowing, but I'll be LIVING ON MY OWN IN APRIL!!!

Yeah!!! WHOOO!!! I did a victory dance!! 

I'm doing it guys, I'll be living on my own in two months! So I need to make as much money as I can, all the time! So its great that my new job does that for me! Anywho, that's all I can say about that right now, I'm still gonna have to look online for places and such. but I'll keep you guys posted! 

Well that's it for now! I'll post again soon about my second date with Miranda. Until next time!

Friday, January 30, 2015

I chose to post this.

So things have been a little crazy, both good and bad. I'm thinking more good, but also some bad too. Guess I should just skip all the intro stuff and dive into it, huh? Alright, here goes...

So if I paid for it, I could just put the entire phone call here (I have an app that records phone calls), but I don't have $6 right now and honestly, I listened to the phone call more than once and still don't see how I'm at fault, and that's trying very hard.

So do you all remember my friend Tori? She introduced me to Alex and set everything up for us. Remember her and I'll come back to that in a second.

First comes the details before, the good of my week. So I got an interview with a security company called Securitas (after my friend Tyler told me he worked there and I should try applying) and after using Tyler as a reference, I was set up to go this past Tuesday. So I got there, I filled out a little paperwork, and then I was interviewed. Within 10 minutes, if that (probably 5 minutes), she offered me three different jobs for their company!! BEYOND stoked!

One was in Olathe (a bit ironic considering I dated Mikaela and she never saw me actually committing to go up there for her), working 1-8pm Mon-Fri at $11/hour. A second one was on 118th street (?) and was $10/hour working Sat-Sun 6am-2pm and Mon-Tues 2-10pm. The third was in KCK working Fri-Sat 12-8am and Sun-Mon 9pm-5am for $11/hour. Which do you think I chose?

Doing the math, Olathe was the best option considering the income I'd make would be fantastic, but the drive would balance it out to be not so good on my gas tank and car. In the end, that moment, I chose to work in KCK overnights. I've never worked overnights so I hope this goes well. Each job was different, but I saw KCK as my best fit.

After my interview, I went to HyVee and filled out a new availability paper out, since my hours are changing now, and yes, I'm agreeing to work three jobs right now, that might change in the future. Not to surprising, but HyVee wasn't very happy about my hours and I flat out told them that I am 21 years old, I have bills to pay, and not scheduling me put me in a financial bind, which I'm in right now. I did what I had to do to support myself. I guess I'll see what I'm scheduled when I go into my first shift of the week tonight (right? I haven't worked all week).

So Wednesday morning, I went back to Securitas for orientation. That took about two and a half hours, but well worth it, because I got paid to go. After that, I was told to go to the KCK police station and get my permit for the job. I did that the following day and went back to Securitas and they gave me my uniform, badge, nametag, and I was instructed to call Friday before 3pm to get details set up for when I go in for training.

OKAY! That's the good news, ready for the bad? Every rose has it's thorns people, learn that early and don't forget it.

Tuesday. It was right after my interview, I wanted to call Alex and tell her about getting the job and orientation Wednesday. Well before I could call, I saw on Facebook she'd unfriended me. I didn't know why, so I was going to ask her after the good news was shared. When she didn't answer the phone or my text, I called Tori. 

Sidenote: IMPORTANT >>> Tori was my friend before I knew Alex, remember that. I asked Tori who that beautiful friend of hers was and she set us up (they've been friends since way back in middle school). So Tori has been my friend since Amanda introduced us back in September of 2014, maybe sooner. 

Tori knows Alex pretty well and I used her as a means to make sure I dont say anything stupid or upsetting (because we all knows words arent my strong suit), so I asked why she thought I got unfriended (this being on Tuesday) and if I should even ask Alex about it, or just ignore that and share only the good news (also, I tell Alex everything I tell Tori, I just make sure Tori agrees the words I use aren't to strong or whatever). Tori hadn't heard from Alex yet and during the call, while I was trying to voice my concerns, Alex beeped in. Tori said to answer it so I let her go and answered.

About 5 minutes into the call, after I'd happily mentioned getting the job, Alex said she had to go because TORI WAS BEEPING IN. About 10 minutes after THAT, I got a text from alex saying "we need to talk."  Essentially, to make a complicated story short, Tori sold me out to Alex. Which wasn't a big deal considering I hadn't hidden anything from Alex, but she got all mad that was was "bitching to Tori about her".

I tried to explain that I wasn't, but Alex only heard what she wanted to and then decided to tell me she didn't want to be my friend ever again, even before that phone call. I asked why and she said because she thinks the 4 texts I sent her in a weeks time made me cligy and then later changed her story to say she tried dating me to be normal and make everyone happy, but she wasn't, when she's finding out she was BORN GAY. Then she called me a homophobe and her and her friends and new girlfriend (whom she started dating 3 days after breaking up with me) all threw stones at me verbally for a collective 40 minutes, where they all said she never chose to be gay, but was born that way, before hanging up on me and leaving me to cry about it.

Sidenote: One thing that can really push my buttons is when people say they didn't chose something. Be proud of who you are, for Pete's sake! I chose to be a christian (or not recently) and I also chose to be heterosexual! Just the same as Alex chose to be gay and my friend Emily chooses to be a vegetarian. It's all the same. Nobody is born a certain way, it's all what we choose.

It was honestly the worst conversation of my life, and more than that, a poorly executed ending of a friendship. Like for real, who does that? I loved her and cared and have SO MANY GAY FRIENDS, that everything she was saying contradicted itself. If I was single at Ahn!Con I would have kissed a guy!! She was on a high horse about EVERYTHING in that phone call and extremely emotional. So much, that it was making her spit out illogical nonsense.

If Amanda hadn't been with Tori and called me after that, I'd have been a wreck. I cried on the phone with Nathan after that, but he had to work and I felt awful doing that to him, but he said he was here for me. I believe him, he always is and I love that he is a lifelong friend. I just wish that Alex had been able to see how great a friend I am. How I do care. So I guess I have another tragedy on my love life history...

Anyway, that was Tuesday. The rest of the week was normal, I guess, but it was odd. Especially since I called Tori after Alex hung up and got mad that she sold me out before Tori hung up on ME and then Amanda called and so on the days went.

I just wish I could find a woman who knows who she is, accepts herself in all of her flaws and attributes, all the good and bad, and accept a man who can love them right. I wish I was still with Jessica to be honest. There was no drama there, just love and acceptance and pure happiness. Oh well, gotta live life, right?

I'm gonna get into this new job and build my income, maybe I'll have a girl who loves me like that by my 22nd birthday. Never know! I will leave the post here though, take what you want from it. I'll post again soon with more job details.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Trying vs. not trying

Alright so this won't be to long a post, I imagine. Just a little update.

So I was having a few concerns with Alex over the weekend past and I thought it would be alright to bring them up. So I decided to call her after last Sunday. Monday morning I had to work until 3pm, but while I was at work, Alex put a huge relationship rant on Facebook about how she's not a touchy feely person and she never used names, but it seemed very directed at me, even though we've never even held hands in the 4 weeks we've dated.

Well I decided to call her after work and talk it out, let her know that I care about her and I like WHO SHE IS and that's why I decided to date her in the first place. Remember, I contacted Tori and SEEKED HER OUT. Well the phone call went horribly south very fast.

Basically I was told that the entire conversation was annoying and she hung up on me. After saying she needed time, she text me a few hours later and we fixed our relationship. Like she was very mature and we got back on track. Then less than an hour after that, she broke up with me. Over text.

Like I understand breaking up on the phone, because she's at college, but she did it over a text message. and on the exact day we'd been dating four weeks. I mean...I don't think you can accurately decide if it's right or not in that short a time frame. However, she said we can be friends and see if getting to know each other works. She didn't say if I had a chance or didn't, but left it at that. Also, she said if I get to clingy or seem to attached, she'd cut ties with me, all together. Yeah...I've learned my lesson from last time. I won't be stupid.

So the last two days, we've text as friends and still snapchat each other, but I don't know if I'm allowed to text her in the morning anymore, or if I need to wait until the afternoon. I mean...She said if I seem to attached. I just wanna text in the morning and through the day. It's not anything bad, but still...I try not to text her before 11am or 12pm. Just because I don't wanna upset her.

But because it was only four weeks and things were even physical in any sense of the word, I didn't get my heart broken. However four weeks was plenty of time to grow strong feelings and I loved her, just not head over heals, only the beginning stages where I care deeply about her and her feelings. Guess I gotta let that go, which hasn't been a horrible process.

This could actually be a really good friendship though! At the core, regardless of her religious differences or our personality's not being 100%, we are a lot alike and have extremely similar interests. For instance, we both want an English degree, we both love the Wii U, and basically we watch the same shows. She has a car and doesn't mind driving places, as I don't, so I'm hoping this works out in our favor. As friends.

Heck, if she and I are still friends at NakaCon, we'll probably have a really great time! She just said she can't see me for awhile, even though she's seen me three times in the past four weeks? I guess that's something I can just let happen and respect.

In the end, your boy Zach Love is single again. I'm not heartbroken, just sad that I went through all the proper channels for once and it didn't work out the first time. My friend Josh thought I was crushed so he bought me some cookies and thought that'd help, plus I was with my friends that night so it also helped me from getting to sad about it. Honestly, I was glad they were there. I've had some problems allowing myself to get depressed in the past.

I'm just kinda riding the wave right now, texting Alex and being the best friend I can be. Though I still keep her name in my phone as it was, "Royal Highness Queen Alex". That's an inside joke between us before we dated, while we were talking.

I hope the following months to come give me better income. I'll take advantage of being single, save every penny, and really hope to God I'm not still broke by March. I NEED MONEY FOR NAKACON. Also, I need a new car....and new glasses, bad....and I need to get some savings built up for an E-fund in case my current car has an issue...I've got my work cut out for me now. Yikes, maybe being single was best? Maybe not. I'm just going to make the best of right now and not bring myself down in whats started out as a fantastic year!

Also, speaking of my last post, there is a 55% chance of you being lucky enough to see more, I'll keep you posted. Tehe.

Until next time, thanks for reading!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Ahn!Con 2015 and my afterward thoughts

So how is everyone's 2015 doing? Mine isn't to bad, if I say so myself! I kinda wish this was the start to my year, every year! Haha! Who knows, maybe it will now!

So I woke up on the 9th entirely ready for my weekend to come! It was going to be great! I was meeting up with Caleb, Astrid, Tori, Carolyn, and Amanda (just a few of my awesome homies) and I would follow them to Ahn!Con since I didn't know where it was. We got there and met up with my girlfriend Alex and hit the Con!

I wish I had video of our great time, but alas I don't! All I can say is after the opening ceremonies, we had a blast! I KNOW, I KNOW! I want to tell you more, but words just don't do justice! Sure, I could saw we watched some anime, played some Smash Bros and Mario Kart Double Dash in the gaming rooms, played Naughty Ninja Olympics (this is a 17+ convention, remember that), played a pairing anime game, entered and lost a Smash Bros tournament (I gave it my all, as Little Mac, I promise!), and  made some awesome new friends, while also spending to much money supporting vendors.

I guess that could cover the entire weekend, but to elaborate or go into detail is just...It just wouldn't be well depicted. Guys, you need to see Ahn!Con for yourselves, because it was a really great time, and it changed my life forever. I know you probably expected more from this post, with how I've played it up on my second blog site, but I just don't have much to say about it. I can tell you that I definitely want to be attending the 2016 Ahn!Con, which is confirmed.

HERE! Take some photos to appease your appetites for entertainment!


There you have it fellers! Ahn!Con 2015 all wrapped up in a cute little package of 3 1/2 paragraphs! WHOOT WHOOT!

The next thing I wanted to talk about were the after affect thoughts/opinions I had formed. Buckle up, things are about to get radical! So I was just doing my thing at the con, but slowly and surely, I started to see things and differ from myself in what I believe.

Ahn!Con, for those who don't know, is a convention that supports gay art and literature. Now I know that I probably have, if not a large or even small, a "following" of religious readers, who read my posts. I challenge every single one of you to comment telling me how I'm wrong. Please, do that! Just make sure you read the rest of this post first. You might feel convicted.

So I met some great people (who shall remain nameless for now) over the weekend and they've been really fun to hang out with and get to know. I even consider them friends now. However, they've chosen to life a life dating the same sex. Now, for me personally, I don't care what they do, I'm not their momma, and I'm sure as hell not gonna try to tell em' that.

In the opening ceremony, the speaker, Peter Pixie, said that this weekend is full of people with different beliefs and sexualities, but nobody judges anyone else. I saw that was true all weekend. Nobody cared about anything more than how great the other person was, and that really moved me. Sure, it's still a convention, so there will be games, shows, etc...But it is a 17+ convention so you can speak freely and BE YOURSELF. Nobody was judged, from what I saw. And I would be a fool to have judged anyone.

Now you can start throwing the bible at me, go ahead! If I give Satan an inch, he'll take a mile. I'm so getting swooned into a life I don't need to dabble in, whatever. BULL SHIT. You think I'm going to let one weekend change who I am? NOPE. However, it OPENED MY EYES to something I was previously blind to.

Have you ever listened to a church sermon and it just REALLY spoke to you, on a level so deep, you felt convicted enough to take action? This weekend was like that, each day was a slowly rising tidal wave of information, and I left feeling so convicted, I had to take action.

As a Christian, I am supposed to believe that if you're homosexual, no matter the situation, you are instantly deemed unworthy of heaven, in your sinful lifestyle, and you are tossed aside and thrown into the deepest depths of hell, like some murderer or doer of dark witchcraft. After this weekend...I'm starting to question that. I just thought that because it was a basic thing on the outlining pages, in the syllabus, for "Being a successful Christian".

Well I don't think that's true. Take a look at this...


Trust me guys, don't think of me so foolish as to not do my research before posting this opinion. If you look in the Old Testament, you'll see ONLY examples of rape when referenced in alignment to homosexuality. Now that flat out tells me that if I'm a Christian, I have to fully believe that gay sex, or any form of anal for that matter, is a sinful act and will get me thrown into hell without any review or second thoughts from God when I stand before him.

However, only one verse in the entire bible (please tell me if I'm wrong) says ANYTHING about being with the same sex in a relationship for, not sexual purposes, but for companionship! That would be 1 Timothy 1:8-10. I will type it out below, just in case you didn't get to read it very well in the picture above.

"8 Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it lawfully, 9 Understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers and murderers, 10 The sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine, in accordance with the gospel of the glory of the blessed God with which I have entrusted."

There, in verse ten, it says "men who PRACTICE homosexuality"...Now that's the closest I could find to anyone flat out saying BEING gay is wrong in Gods eyes. Even then, it doesn't punch me in the face as proof or actual truth. I have to take as what it was, in accordance to when it was written, and assume that this basically means that sexual actions in homosexuality are wrong. I challenge anyone to call me daft, a fool, or anything else, but if you do that, give me PROOF.

I'm looking for answers, not name calling. So please give me any you have, so I can reference them. I just don't see how the God I know, one so loving and compassionate, caring for every soul on this planet, so matter their crimes/sins, can justly condemn someone to hell for wanting happiness and companionship. I have liberated my spirit into a free thinking and accepting mindset and I don't even consider myself a Christian anymore, after this weekend.

What am I? Strait up a Christ believer. I don't even think I'm a Christ Follower, but I believe. I am sure that it brings such a predicament, considering the back-and-forth posts I've had over the years. Especially in my last relationship. Oh how I seeked out Gods council for THAT. It was my single biggest life mistake, because I got THE MOST attached.

Please though, leave me comments, because I'm so confused now, and what I've believed since 2011 is slowly fading into something more...modern? I'm adapting ideas from my time as a Christian and making God more than what I've seen him as. I believe in God, heaven/hell, and that one day God will return and take those who believed to heaven and basically what Revelation says. I just...I don't want to even pick up a bible anymore. I almost got around to it, but now I'm so angry that this is a 50/50 chance of holding water and I cant accept a God like that.

As nice as the people I've met are, they're condemned to hell for their sexuality? No. Maybe other sins, of course, but not sexuality. I refuse to believe it. But HEY! That was my weekend and thoughts....If it offended you...Well, I don't really care. It comes across harsh, but I'm having a inner conflict and I cant find all the answers, I'm like 90% there, but not fully.

Feel free to comment any differing opinions, I earnestly want any you have about the topic of this post. Thanks for reading!