I kinda wish 2014 didn't have to end. I know 2015 holds the greatest things of my life, and I'll be truly and really happy, but 2014...So much hurt, so much pain...I just don't know if I'm ready for another year of the unknown. Remember what I said last December in 2013 on my blog?
I bet you just looked. Well there's a gap. September to January. A lot happened. Well I don't want to hit that wall again. Go to a place where I can't come back for awhile. I lost who I was and the people closest to me know this best, but my inspiration was pulled out of me like someone drank it out of a glass only to leave it empty with nothing more to receive....
But on the topic of dark and gloomy, if you go back to that first post in 2013 (here), you'll see that I had some pretty basic goals. I'm about to go into 2015 and none of my goals got accomplished this year. I never lost that 40 pounds, Phat Love didn't grow, my literature has laid dormant on a flash drive, and the job...Well does 30 hours every couple of weeks count?
No? I don't think so either. Poo.
Look, I just wish I knew the secret to a successful life in your first 25 years. What am I doing so wrong? Jessica and Bethany are both engaged, working full time and getting their degree's. Mikaela has a new boyfriend who she's openly putting up on Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr. Something she never did with me. She'll probably marry him one day. It's the curse I bless woman with and I feel like I'll be alone. Lastly, though I never dated her, Sierra has a new boyfriend (thank God not the douche I didn't like) who spoils her rotten and loves her. They will probably, yet again, work out.
I know, I have a girlfriend right now too and I could be happy, and I really like her. I can't say I love her yet though, because it's harder for me now (Plus, it's been barely a week. Way to soon for any of THAT). I want to give her the world though, and unlock doors that make her the happiest woman ever. I truly do. I'm just...I don't know, I'm scared.
Plus my church friends, when they find out, won't approve. I already know. I just want to try being myself for once and not being judged. Mikaela mostly, but Bethany too, just judged me, used me, left me, and moved onto someone new almost immediately, like I was a worthless sack of shit they didn't want anything to do with. Like their association with me was almost physically painful.
But enough about that. 2014 sucked, sure. Yet good came from it too.
Sidenote: I just sat here from like 3 minutes before I thought of something and that's just one thing. That's just sad.
I got my job at Hyvee. My black widow ex (I laughed to hard at that) did something good, I s'pose.
I think the best thing, though, from 2014 is that another year down and Nathan and Carolyn are my friends. I have people I can rely on. I have really gone full circle. Who do I trust? Who will use me? I get so scared and nervous and protect my emotions like they're under constant attack. I'm starting to truly see what friendship is really about.
Friendship truly means you give everything to someone who accepts it. Nathan and Carolyn...They've seen my ugly life for what it is and I've seen theirs. I've seen less of theirs, but that's okay. They accept me. All of it, my father being who he is, my foolishness in trusting woman to quickly when I date them, my overly complex tendencies. They love me. And I couldn't have asked for better friends.
This time next year, I hope to say the same thing about Caleb and Amanda. They've really impacted me this year, like I can see us being really close. I mean, shoot, we already are!!
2015 IS GOING TO BE FREAKING AWESOME GUYS!!!
I will have so much to be proud of. SO MUCH. And not enough time to post about it! You guys are going to have to keep up on the mobile posts. And if I DO get Phat Love going, which I plan...LORD JESUS, Can I get a hell yeah?
So you've just got to stay put and keep this site bookmarked. Check it on Thursdays and Sundays, haha. Or any day to be completely honest.
So what are my goals for 2015? Let's just say this.
- Phat Love
That's all I'll say about that. Take what you want from that, but that's my three goals for the new year. All the stuff you know I've gone through and you'll see more in 2015. We're entering the 7th year you've gotten to enjoy reading about my life. That or feeling sorry, hahaha. BUT YOU'VE READ! Which is the point. I wish all my readers the best in 2015.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do Wednesday night going into 2015! See you next year guys.