Tuesday, December 30, 2014

2014 was like that guy who orders food slow in front of you.

I kinda wish 2014 didn't have to end. I know 2015 holds the greatest things of my life, and I'll be truly and really happy, but 2014...So much hurt, so much pain...I just don't know if I'm ready for another year of the unknown. Remember what I said last December in 2013 on my blog?

I bet you just looked. Well there's a gap. September to January. A lot happened. Well I don't want to hit that wall again. Go to a place where I can't come back for awhile. I lost who I was and the people closest to me know this best, but my inspiration was pulled out of me like someone drank it out of a glass only to leave it empty with nothing more to receive....

But on the topic of dark and gloomy, if you go back to that first post in 2013 (here), you'll see that I had some pretty basic goals. I'm about to go into 2015 and none of my goals got accomplished this year. I never lost that 40 pounds, Phat Love didn't grow, my literature has laid dormant on a flash drive, and the job...Well does 30 hours every couple of weeks count? 

No? I don't think so either. Poo.

Look, I just wish I knew the secret to a successful life in your first 25 years. What am I doing so wrong? Jessica and Bethany are both engaged, working full time and getting their degree's. Mikaela has a new boyfriend who she's openly putting up on Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr. Something she never did with me. She'll probably marry him one day. It's the curse I bless woman with and I feel like I'll be alone. Lastly, though I never dated her, Sierra has a new boyfriend (thank God not the douche I didn't like) who spoils her rotten and loves her. They will probably, yet again, work out. 

I know, I have a girlfriend right now too and I could be happy, and I really like her. I can't say I love her yet though, because it's harder for me now (Plus, it's been barely a week. Way to soon for any of THAT). I want to give her the world though, and unlock doors that make her the happiest woman ever. I truly do. I'm just...I don't know, I'm scared.

Plus my church friends, when they find out, won't approve. I already know. I just want to try being myself for once and not being judged. Mikaela mostly, but Bethany too, just judged me, used me, left me, and moved onto someone new almost immediately, like I was a worthless sack of shit they didn't want anything to do with. Like their association with me was almost physically painful. 

But enough about that. 2014 sucked, sure. Yet good came from it too. 

Sidenote: I just sat here from like 3 minutes before I thought of something and that's just one thing. That's just sad.

I got my job at Hyvee. My black widow ex (I laughed to hard at that) did something good, I s'pose. 

I think the best thing, though, from 2014 is that another year down and Nathan and Carolyn are my friends. I have people I can rely on. I have really gone full circle. Who do I trust? Who will use me? I get so scared and nervous and protect my emotions like they're under constant attack. I'm starting to truly see what friendship is really about.

Friendship truly means you give everything to someone who accepts it. Nathan and Carolyn...They've seen my ugly life for what it is and I've seen theirs. I've seen less of theirs, but that's okay. They accept me. All of it, my father being who he is, my foolishness in trusting woman to quickly when I date them, my overly complex tendencies. They love me. And I couldn't have asked for better friends.

This time next year, I hope to say the same thing about Caleb and Amanda. They've really impacted me this year, like I can see us being really close. I mean, shoot, we already are!! 


I will have so much to be proud of. SO MUCH. And not enough time to post about it! You guys are going to have to keep up on the mobile posts. And if I DO get Phat Love going, which I plan...LORD JESUS, Can I get a hell yeah?

So you've just got to stay put and keep this site bookmarked. Check it on Thursdays and Sundays, haha. Or any day to be completely honest. 

So what are my goals for 2015? Let's just say this.

  1. Phat Love
  2. Literature
  3. Finances

That's all I'll say about that. Take what you want from that, but that's my three goals for the new year. All the stuff you know I've gone through and you'll see more in 2015. We're entering the 7th year you've gotten to enjoy reading about my life. That or feeling sorry, hahaha. BUT YOU'VE READ! Which is the point. I wish all my readers the best in 2015.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do Wednesday night going into 2015! See you next year guys.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Don't ever count me out, I'm not done yet.

Minding my own business, I'm chillin' on Facebook and my friend Tori (met through Amanda) posted something on her timeline, which appeared on my news feed. It was interesting enough to comment on, but after my comment, I read the others. Her first comment was from her friend Alex, whom I had never seen before. Curious, as the profile picture was cute, I clicked on her profile.

From there, I don't see much, so I click on her profile picture to see a few of them. I quickly realize this is one of Tori's cosplay friends (who's an actual good friend too, I find out later). Well I proceed to message Tori on Facebook (we don't have digits yet, haha) and when I ask who she is, I get a reply saying...

Basically Tori was awesome and I'm not afraid to show that I thought she was super cute off the bat. One thing led to another and eventually I got a date with Alex. After our second date this previous Wednesday night, I got to know her pretty well, and I like what I'm finding. A lot of you must be asking if she's a "cosplay fan and also a Christian" since my dating history is full of THAT. 

Well no, she believes in scientific evolution and that's her right. Have any of you noticed how my "Christian" relationships have went? STRAIT TO HELL. Little bold, but the point is there. They are on a burning bridge, those relationships won't survive the smoke. Lot of good it did putting God in the mix.

I have been volunteering my time at church, sure, and going for myself and nobody else for awhile now. I think JP see's something good in me, that I can't find yet, but I'll get there. Doesn't mean I have to be single or date "exclusively Christian woman". I am getting bigger into the cosplay scene with my friends so this is great for me. I like Alex, she likes me. We've both admitted a crush and feelings. 

So thanks to Tori, we'll see what happens. I messaged her on FB when I wanted to talk and I only just got her number today, because she's out of town and might not have wifi to message, while having unlimited text. Yes sir, we're taking our time, but I'm just super happy about everything and that she accepts me for who I am. It tells me I could trust her.

Anyway, not really a lot else going on. I guess I'll just leave you with this motivational piece...

Never give up. Ever! Life may have it's harder, darker, and terribly down moments, but it doesn't mean that's the end. It just means you have some growing to do. In the end, the rain stops. In the end, the sun shines again. In the end, the most beautiful things take shape. Don't give up happiness over a few dark clouds and thunder. You are strong enough to survive and you will be stronger for doing so, in the end! So hold your head high my friends, because this journey doesn't end. Not today, and not ever.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Nobody saw this coming...

"Hey, What's that?!" says John, pointing in the sky.

"What?!" says Joe, looking up before getting punched in the face by John.

"IT WAS PAIN!" Says John with a victorious yell.

Haha...That was, well honestly, I don't know. Just thought that'd add pizzaz to the post. FREE OF CHARGE FOLKS (don't all cheer at once)!

Anyway, I bet you all want the gritty, fun details about drama in the life of Zach, don't cha? Well I better just jump in. First and foremost, no shenanigans, I will no longer talk about Mikaela in the present tense (unless some freaky incident causing her to contact me happens (not likely)) because she is old news. Officially, she's my ex girlfriend, as of 2 months ago! So I'm moving on. YOU PEOPLE SHOULD TOO. Don't let one woman ruin crap in your life and especially don't trust someone who could turn on you if things go south. I've learned that the hard way and January won't be fun because of it.

But since I'm on the subject, does anyone remember Ashley? The woman who introduced me to Mikaela and who I went on a date with (where I was a rock, haha)? Well she's been in Europe, as I may or may not have mentioned previously, and she got back last week. We'd stayed friends through the breakup between Mikaela and myself, but she barely ever replied to me. I had assumed she was busy with stuff, being in Europe and all.

Well being home less than 48 hours, I get blocked on Facebook and Snapchat. I can only assume it was Mikaela's influence and Ashley chose her loyalties, which didn't include me. Now Ashley didn't deny blocking me, but tried to say she's super busy with life right now and she'll talk to me about it when she can. It's been about a week now and nothing. Even when I send a short hello text every few days, no reply.

It would have honestly been a lot easier if Ashley had done this back in October...Like for real, I thought she was a friend when she said to pick up the pieces and move on, she'd still be my friend. Now I just don't know what's going on. It might just be to amuse Mikaela, but who knows, those two are...very close...And yes, you may assume, because you're probably guessing right.

Either way, it still hurt to "lose" Ashley. Yet another friendship failed "because of me". That brings the drop count to what? 6...7...ish people in my life over the past 5 years. Close people too. Guess that's life. 

Enough about that, if Ashley ever replies to me, I'll let you guys know. Until then, consider this one of her last posts. Last thing though, I was on the app I used to message Ashley one day, "WhatsApp" and I can see which of my contacts have that app. Obviously Mikaela does (I still have her number, for safety reasons). Well I noticed she changed her OPTIONAL profile picture to her with a NEW BOYFRIEND. 

The reason she broke up with me is because she "wanted to focus on herself and college". Now that I see this, I'm calling her out on BULLSHIT. Seeing that not only hurt, but told me she had used me, lied to me, manipulated me, and made me her man whore boy toy for the summer. Good little Christian girl getting her ministry degree does this?! Needless to say, I was surprised. The tears she cried breaking up seemed real...Maybe they were...Or maybe she never loved me. I don't really care anymore. Just hope this new guy has a bomb shelter when she blows on him too.

And that's your super fun little update. Not a lot, in length, but it'll take some time to chew on these words. Lot has happened. AND EVEN MORE STILL. I'm saving the rest for a new post so it's more light hearted.

Until next time!