Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Consequences of our choices

Alright guys, I have to get this off my chest (Also, sorry for not posting recently, life has been a B lately). I am no longer "friends" with Mikaela. She seems to have it set in her mind that I'm emotionally manipulating her after the break up she initiated. Now for the stuff leading to this!

Since Mikaela broke my heart and told me she wanted us to be friends, she changed. She started getting angry very easily, reading into my texts to much, and making decisions for the both of us. I didn't quite understand, but I assumed she was coping her best. In addition to that, she started texting her responses to my snapchat's, not wanting to talk on the phone, and generally isolating our contact to messaging.

Well last night (Tuesday, October 7th), she decided that she should call the police on me and tell them I'm suicidal. I had to spend 4 hours in at the ER getting a Psych evaluation and convincing them I'm not suicidal. MY GOD! Finally I got out and that was the final straw. I was so mad with Mikaela, the love I still had for her as a friend, started quickly fading. She, again, made a decision for me that said my parents and closest friends I see almost every day don't know me better than she does.

Monday night I was feeling down and a little depressed so when Mikaela asked me about a snapchat I put on 'My Story', I told her how I was feeling and that things didn't look up from here. She misread that and took it upon herself to "be a hero". I don't understand why she can make those decisions, but can't see me.

When I left the hospital, I told her I was very upset with her for doing that and she said that she won't feel bad for doing the "right thing". RIIGGHHTT....Anyway, she went on to say that I'm emotionally manipulating her and she doesn't feel safe around me so that's why she won't see me, even after I suggested seeing me with friends or her mom or anyone she wanted. No budge.

Sidenote: How is it I find the woman who "love God", but end up acting very irrational? I loved Mikaela to the point of wanting to marry her so sue me for wanting to be happy for the rest of my life. Then she had to change.

So as of now, today, 10:30am, Mikaela walked away without even trying. She just gave up. This is what I hate about texting people without phone calls or face to face contact. Things get blurred and people misunderstand situations and opinions. Maybe I have some issues that need resolved, but that's MY decision to make and MY wallet that pays for it. I won't have her causing me to have anymore financial stress than I already have.

All I wanted when I started dating Mikeala was to make the friendship I loved to evolve into something better, blessed by God, and grow into this wonderful thing...Instead it was a few months of happiness, then something warped things...I don't know whats going on in Mikaela's head, but I feel like she didn't feel like she could be totally honest with me and theres something I don't know.

Not to mention there are things about our two months her parents and friends don't know...Things that would really change how I'm viewed by everyone. I take full responsibility for my actions and Mikaela loved me, she really did...More than she'll probably ever tell me now.

Now my phone won't go off as much, but that doesn't mean I'm alone. She's in my heart and as long as she knows I loved her, then that's enough for me to let go and move on. I'm giving it to God.

I always got into church because of a woman, but I never stayed when things fell apart. This time I'm doing it for me. Mikaela did love me and we had something real, but things in life changed, and I'm living with the result of our choices.

I'll keep her in my prayers, but I've cried far to much over something that can't change on its own. She needs time, probably more than a few weeks. She needs to be single for months, maybe a few years, before she even knows what she wants, and maybe I'm that same way. I guess we'll find out in time. I just have to start the trusting of God I've talked so much about...