Friday, March 28, 2014

It's all to confusing, really...

So i'm having girl troubles. Not the kind of girl troubles where woman want me and I can't decide who I want troubles (though you'd believe that if you read it...right?), but the kind of girl troubles where I try to ask out my best friend and she changes her mind about things. Explanation is below.

So I found out Wednesday that Sierra was going to date me, but all I ever talk about anymore is Mikaela this or Mikaela that. Sierra was my best friend and I had already previously wanted to date her and got shot down like a plane in enemy territory. I burned and it hurt, but I got over myself and we stayed friends. Now Wednesday when I was finding this out, things with Mikaela were developing too. She had been asked out by a guy at a clothing store and wanted to know if I'd be mad if she went out with him.

I was honest and said that mad wasn't right right word, but sad was. I liked her and was hoping we'd get the chance to meet so she'd see how great of a guy I really am. She thought my feelings for her were gone, so this came as a shock to her. Convenient timing for them both, right? Well when I talked to Mikaela about this whole situation, she said that she has a date Friday and to try for Sierra first.

Sidenote: In all honesty, I was hoping Mikaela would pick me, but I guess there's still time if her date Friday isn't a total success. Though I hope she has a really great time and it works out, I want her to be happy.

So I agreed and pursued Sierra, because I don't want to lose her at the end of the summer when she moves to Kansas. Yeah, she's leaving at the end of the summer...Which sucks. Well I told Sierra I wanted to fight for her, but all of a sudden she changed her mind and argued with me that she never told me she wanted me, ever. When she was done arguing, she proceeded to ignore me the rest of the night. No texts, no calls, nothing after that last text at 6:30. It really annoyed me that she did that, it was the most extreme thing she's ever done to me.

So the next day, I text her around 11:30 or so and she replied and explained why she ignored me and I got a little heated and said she pulled a bitch move, which she didn't agree with. Well we fell back into the conversation of dating and, once again, she ignored me, for 3 or 4 hours. I finally got her to pick up the phone when I called and she mostly listened to me, but then got mad and hung up on me. About 20 minutes later, she replied to my texts and said she "needed time". And I haven't heard from her since 12pm Thursday.

Now we close The Tree tonight so hopefully she had enough "time" to think about....Whatever she wanted to think about. We are great for each other and to see her doing this really, truly sucks. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I explained to Mikaela that I took her advice, pursued Sierra, and it failed. Shes to afraid of me being the right guy and to scared of the thought of losing me as her friend if things end badly.

Well I told Mikaela that I tried, I honestly gave it my best shot, but she wouldn't even listen. I told Mikaela that I want to now pursue her. I would, of course, let her go on her date Friday and give it her best shot with this guy, but if it doesn't work, I would try to pursue her best I could. I mean, its like a 30-40 minute drive to where she is in Kansas or something.

I just want to find the person who will be my wife. I've fallen away from God, I've been stupid, and I can't take any of the stupid decisions I've made back. Though when I see Michael still actively in Bethanys life and so happy for her to have found Jonathon...It makes me want to scream at God and fall to my knees, to weak to complain, yet still wanting to try.

I've got some growing to do, even if God throws my wife in front of me. I can see and admit that. I just haven't gotten around to trusting churches yet...One day. That's another thing, when Michael made me make a Need vs. Want list for my wife, Sierra doesn't fit everything in the Need column from two years ago, when I made it, yet Mikaela does. Sierra fits all the wants, as Mikaela does too, but I didn't really make a detailed list of what I want, just what I need. One being religion.

Sierra isn't religious at all, to my knowledge, and Mikaela is. Mikaela loves God and is very active in her church, she makes lesson plans for youth on Wednesdays. She even does the lesson, I think. It's super cool! I just see Sierra and its something I want now and I see Mikaela and I haven't met her yet, so it's like a to good to be true dream....I want it to be real, but it won't be until I meet her and give her the hug I've promised her.

Well I have to meet Michael Monday at 11:30, because I set up a time for us to meet, my treat. I've been thinking way to much and my respect for Michael has been slipping every time my opinions run around in my mind and I want it to stop. If I'm going to lose respect for Michael, it has to be because he has personally done something wrong, not because of my opinions. Although he has lost some respect in not bothering to keep in touch, contact me, or reach out in any way. Lloyd too.

I guess that's the bad thing with churches. Even if you feel like "A part of the church" but walk away, they won't always reach out to you. They may wonder about you or possibly pray, but I needed someone who kept me on the right path and my recent one has definitely been wrong.

I work with Sierra tonight so we'll see what she says. Until then...

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Since last time...

Alright, for the record, the whole point of that last post was for Michael to read it, because I'm not just going to talk to him myself. Turns out, he doesn't read my blog or try to keep in touch in any way. That surprised me. I even text him a few days after asking, very vaguely, "Have you seen it?" and he replied, "I don't have to see it to believe it ;)" and I knew he hadn't. I later that week told him to stop sending me the VOTD and he thought I was on a "tirade" against the word. No, I just don't read it anymore and the timing was right to say I don't want to get them anymore and the past 2 days, I haven't gotten any VOTD from him. Now my phone won't get texts from Michael for who knows how long.

Onward from that, the past week hasn't been to bad. I mean, I work mostly. I might lose my job at ExFed this week, but we'll see what happens. I apparently did a really good job yesterday. On the plus side, I've talked to my manager at The Tree and she agreed to give me full time hours this summer if I lose my job, so the income will still happen, LUCKY FOR ME!

I've been watching Arrow on Netflix lately and just finished season one last night (all they have on Netflix) and its a really good show!! I wish now that I'd been recording it so I could see season two and three. Now I have to wait to see any more, not to mention this October, The Flash (Yes, the DC Flash) is getting a show on The CW. I'm making sure I watch that!

I've been wanting to write a new rap lately with the theme "doors" because my friend Marissa's brother is a rapper and if he can see something good, he'll let me be on his mixtape. He has a studio and everything! I just haven't had the time and when I do, I just don't feel like doing anything, because I'm to tired. Or I type a blog post instead (like right now, haha).

Now for the people update, I'll made it all organized n' stuff!


Sierra and I have had our share of arguments, fights, and break-aparts. It's really annoying that we can't stay friends for very long without fighting again. I love her to death and I want to find a way to keep us friends, but the last little spat happened a few days ago. It was so stupid too. Unrelated to why we were fighting, the last 4-5 times we've hung out, it's involved me buying her food. Not cheap food either, like restaurant food. I don't understand why, especially since I could be losing my job with ExFed here shortly, I need to save what I can, plus she STILL owes me $50, but she claims to have bills and car payments every time I bring up paying for herself or the $50 she owes me. Money sucks, but I'm not letting it ruin our friendship so I'll get the $50 eventually, but I am going to stop buying her food. We're friends, not dating, we go dutch from now on.

I hate "complaining" about it too, because it makes me feel like a bad friend and I love Sierra to death, so I don't want it to come across that way, but right now, she doesn't text me as much anymore, call me, or even try. It makes me wonder whats happening. We worked together on Sunday, when we had our spat. It was decent shift, but could have been better if we hadn't spat...I think she is holding onto that and it's why she doesn't talk to me right now. Guess I'll find out soon enough.


What can I say about my beautiful friend? We've been doing great lately, I really do enjoy talking with her and we've even agreed to meet this year at some point! I AM SO EXCITED TO MEET HER!!! I am going to give her a big hug and we're gonna have a great time! We text more than SnapChat, but that's fine, because I've gotten to where I text her earlier in the day now instead of just in the evening and she even texts me back! So I'd say we're doing good. At least, I'm super happy with how things are going.


Well, Auds (I still call her Auds) and I haven't talked since my last post, but I just wanted to let you guys know that according to the nothing I've heard, our friendship is over. Ka-putt. I'd blame Jessica for lying about me still "creeping" on her, but I'm the one who made false Facebook accounts. Guess our friendship wasn't strong enough to last. Maybe one day, we'll be friends again, who knows?

Uhhh...I don't really know what else to blog about now. If I do get a rap finished, I'll drop you guys a video of me doin' my thang! Also, be sure to follow my page on Facebook if you want to get the soonest updates.

(Go ahead, click it)!!

Well I'll post again soon, thanks for reading.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Dear Michael...

Dear Michael,

You are nothing short of a good man, full of Christ, loving everyone, and never judging anyone based on their past. When I met you on August 8th, 2011 at church, I could just tell there was something different about you. I didn't know it, but that "different feeling" was the love of Christ just flowing from you. After you had talked with me, actually listened, you prayed with me.

Now prayer is something I was never that used too, but I went along with you. I did know that in that time and place I needed something more than life was giving me (I had just lost George and Kyle as my best friends), but when everyone there just gathered around and put hands on me, things got freaky, real fast. I had never been in that situation in my life before. It was a true first time for me and I have to admit that I could feel a difference afterwards.

Skipping the Applebee's and my first fellowship experience, for the next year, I grew in Christ and you led me along and made sure I stayed on the right path, along with Bethanys help. I appreciated that, I really figured out who I was IN CHRIST and that was the first time any of the religious "crap" my father said ever made sense.

I grew up in a religious home, as you know, but my father took the wrong approach on teaching me the bible and I ended up not liking the "God" my father spoke so highly of. You showed me the truth Michael, you showed me that God isn't forcing anything on me, that was just my father. God was shown as a God of love, compassion, caring for me more than I can ever fathom. That's also thanks to you Michael.

You didn't even know, but every conversion we had made me respect you more and before I had even known it, your opinion mattered to me more than anyone's. Remember when you had that youth revival and I didn't go, but you really thought I should have gone? I could feel it inside that I should have gone too.  I knew I had screwed up and made a wrong decision. It could have kept me from spinning out in 2012, you never know. I just knew I should have gone.

You are a good man and I don't blame you for anything that's happened to me since that summer, and I was to depressed to even think about anything other than ask myself, "Why did this happen to me?" and "I don't deserve this after what I'd sacrificed for God!", but I was a fool in the end. I just allowed Satan to manipulate how I was feeling and that got me to leave church, blame people at church, and hold a, still strong, bitterness for Bethany, stronger than I've ever had for one person.

My mother always told me that the only person I should hate is the devil. Well, I would always say that how I felt was 1% less than hate to appease her, but in this situation, the emotion I felt, and still feel, is true hate. Its never been so strong Michael. Now it's not the fueled in my every day life unless I hear about Bethany or, God forbid, see her.

Months later, about a month or so ago (to be exact), I began to think really hard about my life and I began to think about you and your church and how God has blessed you to an extent I have never known could happen. It's insane how I was being just as blessed back in 2011 and partly 2012, before I left. However, my brain began pumping out thoughts, ideas, and suggestions.

For clarification, I don't blame you for anything that's happened, you've never done anything wrong. I just began wondering...Why...Why did you see me falling out of Christ and follow through with allowing it to actually happen? You worked with Bethany and me in figuring out what to do with our feelings for each other. You told me in was our decision (leaving Jessica, being with Bethany, etc...), yet when it all happened and Bethany left me, or whatever happened, you just let it happen.

I understand it wasn't your problem, more than anyone, but for my sake, I would have liked you to step in and talk to me, ask me how I was feeling, or something. I don't know if you talked to Bethany, but from where I'm standing Michael, Bethany is still in church, with a new man, and you and her just kept on living, happy in each others lives, content with the way things ended up (like it was fate or something). I feel forgotten, like you just let go. I felt like I was part of something real and then it just...ended, without warning.

The same thing happened with Lloyd, only I asked him and he told me he was "giving me space", but I didn't need space! What I needed was someone strong enough to tell me I was being stupid. Tell me that I was making a wrong decision to leave Christ, church, and letting what happened control my life. I spun out of control, lost who I was, and wasn't yet strong enough to be on my own. I can admit that. I thought for sure you'd intervene and try to help me...

These days, I see my life being void this past 2 years. I never knew something like Christ, but instead of wanting Christ, I was to mad at church people, letting the anger fuel my motivations. I know this isn't you at all Michael, you are the nicest man I know. I've said it many times before, and I'll still boast it, but I respect you Michael. You're like a second father, you mean that much to me. So when you just "let me go", it hurt. It really hurt.

It hurt when Lloyd did that, but more when I felt that way with you Michael. I can't express the guilt I feel for admitting that, but I was always honest with you Michael. You told me that if I'm honest, you'll be honest; no BS. That's how everyone should be with anyone they come in contact with, but sadly its not that way in the world. Either way, everything is out in the open Michael.

I'm a lost soul, still with purpose, but splintered by the choice of having to live each day knowing the truth, but  to angry to do anything with the information I have. I did love Bethany, for the record, and I know you saw that. The happiness I felt, trusting God, and loving Bethany endlessly. Guess "endlessly" isn't the right word these days, haha...

Thanks for reading,
Zachary Love

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Hope a welcome return!

Hello readers, this is a Wednesday, which means one of three things.

  1. My sister is back from college for an odd reason
  2. I read my book, returned it, and paid off the fines
  3. I got my laptop situation fixed
Out of those options, I'll let you decide before I tell you the answer. Okay, enough waiting. the third and final option is correct! I paid $130 to fix the fan on my laptop, hoping everything would go well and things did...For about 10 minutes. I ended up figuring out that the motherboard was the problem. OH JOY!

Well to put things into an easy explanation (if not already to late), I went back to the computer place and the guy felt so bad, he let me trade my laptop in for a new refurbished laptop for $90! I gladly took the deal with gratitude. The man didn't have to work with me, but I feel blessed that he cared enough to work with me. He knows how to keep customers. That was very thoughtful of him. 


Best part of my laptop is having Spotify. Music is my life and it's great to be able to share my music with you guys again. Sometimes songs say better for me what I mean or intend. I have a foolish way of rambling on about something, which can be amusing, but also embarrassing at times.


So now that I can keep you guys updated regularly, I'm gonna be able to take my time posting, make the posts longer, give more detail, and most importantly, post whenever I want! So lets start with work.

The cats out of the bag, I'm a package handler at ExFed (I'm being clever here, work with me). I kick butt, every day, working hard to make the money I can. I still work at The Tree (my other cleverness at work) and kinda tag em' both to make maximum profit and I've never been more financially secure than I am now.

Even though I stopped with church, I feel blessed to have been given the finances to pay bills and support myself. I still drive my Fredster, but I hope to upgrade to something more reliable by the end of the year, but probably it'll be next year when I get that upgrade.

I have been watching a lot of Netflix and I watched the entire Series of Dexter, which was my obsession for a long while, and it was a fabulous show! Season four is my favorite season, but the series finale was fabulous too! It wasn't as good as Breaking Bad's series finale but better then Angel's series finale so it's not at the bottom of the list. I love finding entire shows on Netflix and throwing myself into the world of that show!

Well, I know you guys see me leaving the juicy personal stuff till the end, but the best part is sometimes the last couple of paragraphs, hehe. Patience is a virtue.

Let's start with what I talk about last time: Auds.

Well we talked a few days later and she wanted to know why it "ate at me so much". I was simply honest with her. I told her that a mistake I made a year ago was affecting me today and she matters to me. I was a foolish boy back then who was blinded by so many things, which were all false perceptions of the truth. It still lingers to destroy me and I don't want to give it the power to do such things. Auds said that she wont feel guilty for me for my past actions, I still made those choices. She also said that I was foolish for trusting her and to stop calling her Auds.

Sidenote: She always let me call her Auds in the past year we've been friends. I don't know why it was now an issue. I also don't know, to the full extent, what Jessica told her.

I said I'd stop and asked if this means we're done. I said that she's right, I made those choices and would never ask her to feel guilty for me. However, we've been friends for over a year and that counts to me. I can respect whatever she wants, but we all make mistakes. I told her that there's a song by TobyMac called Forgiveness. It helps me remmeber that I can grow from yesterday and not be who I was. I can live in the past and hate myself, but I've forgiven myself and when the past creeps in to attack me, I'll be strong and trust that everything will work out for the best. I went on to say that she earned my trust by being Sam's friend (Bethanys BFF at the time of our fallout). In the end, I told her it's give and take. If both parties aren't in unison, it won't work. Lastly, I said that I'd give her honesty if she did the same.

She didn't reply until I asked 3 hours later, she replied, "Yes." and I asked if she had a response. She said, "No not right now" and I told her that I'd give her space and time and to text me when she's ready. This was all around the 23rd of February, but I kept the texts to remind myself that I am strong. I trust easily and I let people in when they show that they care. We met due to my asking her out. She declined, but we stayed friends. I never knew about her friendship with Jessica, but I guess I can't find friends who don't know her, even in my own city and those surrounding it...

On the topic of Jessica, I seem to keep her in my life, Bethany too. Jessica more though. Jessica is my sisters best friend and while I honestly don't mind that, it's just odd that she's still unable to mend our friendship, but I don't blame her and I'm not saying that she needs to "hurry up" or anything, just makes me wonder. Bethany isn't really in my life at all, but she invades the church I want to go to. Michael's church. I want God back in my life, but I want to go to Michael's church. He's the only man I know isn't "fake" or "hiding behind something". I make excuses on Sunday, I don't go to church. I feel like a failure, even though I listen to christian music all day. That isn't enough though, I need more, I feel like I'm not getting enough of God. I know I need more, I know I'm not satisfied. Who wants McDonalds when you can go to 54th street for a real burger?

Well I guess I'm stuck, right? No, I'll get up and take myself to church one day. I just hope I do it before it's to late. The next post is going to be strictly for Michael and party Lloyd (my ex-accountability partner). I have some unresolved feelings I want to get out. That'll be next time, maybe tomorrow. 

Appreciate anyone who keeps tuning in for new posts. I can now post regularly. This went flawlessly. Till next time guys.