Tuesday, December 30, 2014

2014 was like that guy who orders food slow in front of you.

I kinda wish 2014 didn't have to end. I know 2015 holds the greatest things of my life, and I'll be truly and really happy, but 2014...So much hurt, so much pain...I just don't know if I'm ready for another year of the unknown. Remember what I said last December in 2013 on my blog?

I bet you just looked. Well there's a gap. September to January. A lot happened. Well I don't want to hit that wall again. Go to a place where I can't come back for awhile. I lost who I was and the people closest to me know this best, but my inspiration was pulled out of me like someone drank it out of a glass only to leave it empty with nothing more to receive....

But on the topic of dark and gloomy, if you go back to that first post in 2013 (here), you'll see that I had some pretty basic goals. I'm about to go into 2015 and none of my goals got accomplished this year. I never lost that 40 pounds, Phat Love didn't grow, my literature has laid dormant on a flash drive, and the job...Well does 30 hours every couple of weeks count? 

No? I don't think so either. Poo.

Look, I just wish I knew the secret to a successful life in your first 25 years. What am I doing so wrong? Jessica and Bethany are both engaged, working full time and getting their degree's. Mikaela has a new boyfriend who she's openly putting up on Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr. Something she never did with me. She'll probably marry him one day. It's the curse I bless woman with and I feel like I'll be alone. Lastly, though I never dated her, Sierra has a new boyfriend (thank God not the douche I didn't like) who spoils her rotten and loves her. They will probably, yet again, work out. 

I know, I have a girlfriend right now too and I could be happy, and I really like her. I can't say I love her yet though, because it's harder for me now (Plus, it's been barely a week. Way to soon for any of THAT). I want to give her the world though, and unlock doors that make her the happiest woman ever. I truly do. I'm just...I don't know, I'm scared.

Plus my church friends, when they find out, won't approve. I already know. I just want to try being myself for once and not being judged. Mikaela mostly, but Bethany too, just judged me, used me, left me, and moved onto someone new almost immediately, like I was a worthless sack of shit they didn't want anything to do with. Like their association with me was almost physically painful. 

But enough about that. 2014 sucked, sure. Yet good came from it too. 

Sidenote: I just sat here from like 3 minutes before I thought of something and that's just one thing. That's just sad.

I got my job at Hyvee. My black widow ex (I laughed to hard at that) did something good, I s'pose. 

I think the best thing, though, from 2014 is that another year down and Nathan and Carolyn are my friends. I have people I can rely on. I have really gone full circle. Who do I trust? Who will use me? I get so scared and nervous and protect my emotions like they're under constant attack. I'm starting to truly see what friendship is really about.

Friendship truly means you give everything to someone who accepts it. Nathan and Carolyn...They've seen my ugly life for what it is and I've seen theirs. I've seen less of theirs, but that's okay. They accept me. All of it, my father being who he is, my foolishness in trusting woman to quickly when I date them, my overly complex tendencies. They love me. And I couldn't have asked for better friends.

This time next year, I hope to say the same thing about Caleb and Amanda. They've really impacted me this year, like I can see us being really close. I mean, shoot, we already are!! 


I will have so much to be proud of. SO MUCH. And not enough time to post about it! You guys are going to have to keep up on the mobile posts. And if I DO get Phat Love going, which I plan...LORD JESUS, Can I get a hell yeah?

So you've just got to stay put and keep this site bookmarked. Check it on Thursdays and Sundays, haha. Or any day to be completely honest. 

So what are my goals for 2015? Let's just say this.

  1. Phat Love
  2. Literature
  3. Finances

That's all I'll say about that. Take what you want from that, but that's my three goals for the new year. All the stuff you know I've gone through and you'll see more in 2015. We're entering the 7th year you've gotten to enjoy reading about my life. That or feeling sorry, hahaha. BUT YOU'VE READ! Which is the point. I wish all my readers the best in 2015.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do Wednesday night going into 2015! See you next year guys.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Don't ever count me out, I'm not done yet.

Minding my own business, I'm chillin' on Facebook and my friend Tori (met through Amanda) posted something on her timeline, which appeared on my news feed. It was interesting enough to comment on, but after my comment, I read the others. Her first comment was from her friend Alex, whom I had never seen before. Curious, as the profile picture was cute, I clicked on her profile.

From there, I don't see much, so I click on her profile picture to see a few of them. I quickly realize this is one of Tori's cosplay friends (who's an actual good friend too, I find out later). Well I proceed to message Tori on Facebook (we don't have digits yet, haha) and when I ask who she is, I get a reply saying...

Basically Tori was awesome and I'm not afraid to show that I thought she was super cute off the bat. One thing led to another and eventually I got a date with Alex. After our second date this previous Wednesday night, I got to know her pretty well, and I like what I'm finding. A lot of you must be asking if she's a "cosplay fan and also a Christian" since my dating history is full of THAT. 

Well no, she believes in scientific evolution and that's her right. Have any of you noticed how my "Christian" relationships have went? STRAIT TO HELL. Little bold, but the point is there. They are on a burning bridge, those relationships won't survive the smoke. Lot of good it did putting God in the mix.

I have been volunteering my time at church, sure, and going for myself and nobody else for awhile now. I think JP see's something good in me, that I can't find yet, but I'll get there. Doesn't mean I have to be single or date "exclusively Christian woman". I am getting bigger into the cosplay scene with my friends so this is great for me. I like Alex, she likes me. We've both admitted a crush and feelings. 

So thanks to Tori, we'll see what happens. I messaged her on FB when I wanted to talk and I only just got her number today, because she's out of town and might not have wifi to message, while having unlimited text. Yes sir, we're taking our time, but I'm just super happy about everything and that she accepts me for who I am. It tells me I could trust her.

Anyway, not really a lot else going on. I guess I'll just leave you with this motivational piece...

Never give up. Ever! Life may have it's harder, darker, and terribly down moments, but it doesn't mean that's the end. It just means you have some growing to do. In the end, the rain stops. In the end, the sun shines again. In the end, the most beautiful things take shape. Don't give up happiness over a few dark clouds and thunder. You are strong enough to survive and you will be stronger for doing so, in the end! So hold your head high my friends, because this journey doesn't end. Not today, and not ever.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Nobody saw this coming...

"Hey, What's that?!" says John, pointing in the sky.

"What?!" says Joe, looking up before getting punched in the face by John.

"IT WAS PAIN!" Says John with a victorious yell.

Haha...That was, well honestly, I don't know. Just thought that'd add pizzaz to the post. FREE OF CHARGE FOLKS (don't all cheer at once)!

Anyway, I bet you all want the gritty, fun details about drama in the life of Zach, don't cha? Well I better just jump in. First and foremost, no shenanigans, I will no longer talk about Mikaela in the present tense (unless some freaky incident causing her to contact me happens (not likely)) because she is old news. Officially, she's my ex girlfriend, as of 2 months ago! So I'm moving on. YOU PEOPLE SHOULD TOO. Don't let one woman ruin crap in your life and especially don't trust someone who could turn on you if things go south. I've learned that the hard way and January won't be fun because of it.

But since I'm on the subject, does anyone remember Ashley? The woman who introduced me to Mikaela and who I went on a date with (where I was a rock, haha)? Well she's been in Europe, as I may or may not have mentioned previously, and she got back last week. We'd stayed friends through the breakup between Mikaela and myself, but she barely ever replied to me. I had assumed she was busy with stuff, being in Europe and all.

Well being home less than 48 hours, I get blocked on Facebook and Snapchat. I can only assume it was Mikaela's influence and Ashley chose her loyalties, which didn't include me. Now Ashley didn't deny blocking me, but tried to say she's super busy with life right now and she'll talk to me about it when she can. It's been about a week now and nothing. Even when I send a short hello text every few days, no reply.

It would have honestly been a lot easier if Ashley had done this back in October...Like for real, I thought she was a friend when she said to pick up the pieces and move on, she'd still be my friend. Now I just don't know what's going on. It might just be to amuse Mikaela, but who knows, those two are...very close...And yes, you may assume, because you're probably guessing right.

Either way, it still hurt to "lose" Ashley. Yet another friendship failed "because of me". That brings the drop count to what? 6...7...ish people in my life over the past 5 years. Close people too. Guess that's life. 

Enough about that, if Ashley ever replies to me, I'll let you guys know. Until then, consider this one of her last posts. Last thing though, I was on the app I used to message Ashley one day, "WhatsApp" and I can see which of my contacts have that app. Obviously Mikaela does (I still have her number, for safety reasons). Well I noticed she changed her OPTIONAL profile picture to her with a NEW BOYFRIEND. 

The reason she broke up with me is because she "wanted to focus on herself and college". Now that I see this, I'm calling her out on BULLSHIT. Seeing that not only hurt, but told me she had used me, lied to me, manipulated me, and made me her man whore boy toy for the summer. Good little Christian girl getting her ministry degree does this?! Needless to say, I was surprised. The tears she cried breaking up seemed real...Maybe they were...Or maybe she never loved me. I don't really care anymore. Just hope this new guy has a bomb shelter when she blows on him too.

And that's your super fun little update. Not a lot, in length, but it'll take some time to chew on these words. Lot has happened. AND EVEN MORE STILL. I'm saving the rest for a new post so it's more light hearted.

Until next time!

Thursday, November 27, 2014

What am I thankful for?

First off, I'd like to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving! I know the first half of my year has been rough and this second half hasn't let up at all, in fact, it's gotten a little harder. However, in light of today, I'll make this post a little light hearted, if not for your sake, than my own.

Today I'm supposed to give thanks, right? Yet, what do I hear? Downstairs my parents are fighting about holiday foods and who needs to cook what and who hasn't cooked something...Also some sort of fight about eating the expensive cheese...Don't ask, no idea.

I, Zachary Love, in my corner of the internet, would like to give thanks to many things...

1. My friends.

This may be an easy or possibly hard thing to be thankful for, depending on who you are. However my friends Nathan, Carolyn, Caleb, and Amanda have all been very supportive of me this year. They know all the struggles I've been through, with cars, money, jobs, and relationships. They know that since Mikaela, I've had a bit of a break down, Who wouldn't though? I needed time. They have been here for me, cared about me, let me cry on their shoulders, and they didn't care if things got serious or emotional, because life is just that, at times, and not all about fun and games.

My friend Michael, who I go way back to August of 2012 with, is one man I feel like I was destined to meet. He prayed for me the night I gave my life to God, and he's been with me in my walk ever since. Not as much since Bethany and I departed, but he's still been here when I needed him, he is always here for me. I look up to Michael, respect him, and view him as a second father. I love that man and I would do absolutely anything for him to show my love and respect.

Ever since I gave my life to God and was an active member of church, I've had experiences with "Christians" and been learning, mostly the hard way, that just because you say you're something, doesn't make you that. Bethany was a cold look at that. In the harshest way possible, I learned that love isn't born in lust. And it certainly won't survive there. Even if God is around sometimes, it isn't going to work. I learned that if I'm going to be with someone, it cant start in the horrible way I chose to start it with Bethany.

Sidenote: Even as I truly believe my words, I don't see how Bethany got engaged within the following year. It makes no since how she found a happy ending and I didn't get anything from it. That's all I have to say about that though.

So to bring things back on topic, Even now, looking back at my time with Michael in my life, not even ONCE have I seen Michael give "being a Christian" a bad name. Just shaking his hand or having a conversation with him, you can tell he is a GREAT man of God and he isn't anything less than he says he is. He always told me we're all human, emphasis on MAN. He said nobody is perfect, not even him, but everyone has a choice in the decisions they make.

Michael taught me, and continues to teach me, that as a man of God, you're never done growing. Life gets hard or complicated, or possibly to good to be true, but it's our choice to make mistakes or make the sacrifices necessary  to live in the blessing later. I'm more of a "here and now" kind of person, so I struggle real hard with that, but I'm not done.

So I am SO very thankful for Michael. He, and his wife Laura, are to good to me. They make me want to be more, even when I don't feel I can. And that's all a person can ask for in life.

I didn't really talk to Emily in High School, but after high school, I hired her at Lemon Tree. In the time we worked together, she became a really good friend. In fact, she was one of the friends I called in tears after Mikaela stopped being my friend. She has been so supportive of me and for some reason, she can tell when I'm vulnerable, like I'm standing behind a glass wall and she can see everything behind the firewall I'm trying to hide behind. I don't know how this world has it's crazy moments that you are thankful for later, but I am beyond thankful for Emily's friendship.

I have more friends I'm thankful for, but I couldn't possibly go through them all! I am so thankful though.

2. Family

While I had my set of problems with my family, especially with my dad (and his side of the family), I still love them. I know they care for me and in the end, they'll never leave me. They love me enough to stay through the bad times. I haven't even seen them look down on me, which could easily happen considering what I've been though.

I don't know what I'd do without them, and honestly I'd be lost if I didn't have them. So I am thankful for them, so much.

3. Etc...

While people are always the first and most important to be thankful for, I have my own set of extra's. I'm thankful for my job.  Mikaela and I may not be communicating right now, for however long she decides, but it's because of her that I have my job right now. I didn't apply until she told me to try. And now I make 9.00/hr and I feel respected at work. I work with great people and I love my job. It has it's moments where it gets hard, but it's overall a great place to work! And I'd be a fool not to be thankful for what Mikaela did do for my life, however brief or small.

I'm thankful for my material objects. I have my game systems, which aren't cheap, and I'm thankful for the paychecks I have to afford them. While I know it's an optional purchase, I'm still glad I have them. They give me entertainment and without Netflix or Spotify after Mikaela ended things...I don't think I'd be here. The music provided lyrics which made me cry so hard, enough to cry out to God. And Netflix had comedy shows which numbed the pain and distracted me from reality. Without it, the pain would have brought me to my death, or if anything, it made the process a ton easier.

I'm thankful for my church. I skipped church again after Mikaela, but then felt like I was falling back into the rut I had with Bethany and while I truly believe Mikaela wanted me to be in church, she never once tried to pray with me or invite me to church. I felt like if I stopped going to church, I'd be ruining everything for myself again. I felt and still feel called to this church for something. I have no idea what for, but I keep going to service and feeling God's presence...But I know there's more for me, somehow, in this church.

So I started getting involved. I told Pastor JP that I need to keep myself involved, or at the very least obligated. So I helped the church move into their new building and I helped them clean up the place. Pretty soon, I'll be able to help in other ways too. I am just at the part of my life where I'm so confused, but I'm not helpless. And I'm thankful that I didn't walk away, but stayed in church.

I want God to prove to me that even when I lose everything...That he's still here. I never gave God the chance to prove that, but I'm going to see now. So far, I'm still doing fine. I'm still breathing.


And there you have it. While I live in this world where loneliness runs wild and despair brings many to their end, I have still been around.

I pictured the holidays a little different this year, but I won't play God anymore. That was a foolish mistake and I'm just giving up complete control now. I hope everyone has a great 2014 Thanksgiving. And if I can give you guys one small tidbit of advice before I go, its this.

Don't set an expectation in your mind months ahead. Life is a road with many turns, exit ramps, and valleys. You won't have 4G the whole time and sometimes, shortcuts aren't the best route.

Have a blessed day.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Same old, same old...

Well guys, I'm trying to keep you updated on things and let you know what's going on, but honestly I feel like telling you about the not-so-fun things would simply bore you and the legitimate few people who read this wouldn't find it worth reading. I guess I write this more for myself than anyone else though. I like to remember what I've done so I can try *ahem* never to do it again.

Look, I could rant and rave all day about Mikaela, but right now, if she doesn't want me in her life, I have to stop tormenting myself with thoughts of her. I'll be honest, I never talk about her, I rarely think about her, and I try never to mention her around my friends.

Look, from my perspective, Mikaela left without trying to talk about it, so my friends see what she did as a mind game and using me. They aren't her biggest fan. Me however, I told Mikaela, I don't like giving up on people. I like helping and fixing and healing people. With Mikaela, all that takes is a conversation. An hour or two tops. I'm just not sure that's smart right now.

I want Mikaela to be happy, and find happiness in a man, but when she wouldn't talk to me about her problem with me...It told me she didn't trust me. She really was scared of me. That hurts almost as much as her walking away. In the end, I'm trying to move on until she's ready for me.

So what have I been up to? Well, I got my hours cut at work so now I'm almost always off two or three days a week now. It sucks, but I've applied for a third job seasonally (or maybe longer) to fill the void of time. My savings hasn't gone up anywhere productively so I'm stuck living the broke life. In all honesty, I couldn't afford gas to Mikaela or dates right now...I'm really hurting for cash.

I've also been going to church. I know I went originally because of Bethany...Then Mikaela...But now I'm trying to go for myself. I'm trying to give myself a reason to not give up. Mikaela always saw the best in me and even though I don't have that friendship to encourage me on, I'm being strong for myself. I just don't see a reason why I can't have love too. Maybe it's God's way of punishing me for disobeying him. I don't think I'll ever know.

So with church, to keep myself going, I've joined a life group and I've volunteered to help the church with any needs it has. Last Thursday I was off work so I met JP (head pastor) at his office building and helped him move into his new church. I moved tables and boxes and filing cabinets. Real basic stuff, but next Sunday is our last Sunday at the place he's paying for (weekly, monthly? I don't know the finance stuff) and then it'll be the new building!

It was great, because a few other people were there and I got to partially "fellowship" with them while helping out. I've been going to this church for about 5 months and I'm finally starting to feel connected and cared for. It truly means a lot to me. I'm just scared, because I felt this way at my old church with Bethany and...Well, we all know what happened.

I just hope that this group of "believers" will care about me. Just enough to say, "Hey, Zach's been gone for a few weeks, I should call him and see if he's okay." I want to be connected. I have such a hard time reading the bible and praying, all the stuff I should be good at by now. I've been a "failed christian" for so long now, it's becoming a lame excuse or cop-out. I want to stop riding the fence.

Confession time guys, I've been struggling with addictions for years now. I've had my share of problems, but addiction is bad. Sin is so tempting and even before this post, I've sinned today. I've been such a horrible example of a Christian, that it makes my skin crawl and I could throw stones at Mikaela or Bethany or anyone I've had personal (or not) strife with, but in the end, I gotta look in the mirror and blame the person I see.

I am the problem. You know what I do when I'm upset? I vent. I call or text my closest friend (or whomever will lend an ear that I trust) and vent. That night I vented with Mikaela, I wasn't suicidal, I was angry with my life, upset with my circumstances, and pissed off at the cards I'd been given. Suicide crosses my mind all the time. It doesn't mean I'm going to make a poor decision.

When I gave my life to God on August 3rd, 2011, I knew everything was going to change for me. My best friend (Bethany, at the time) of 4 years took me to church and gave me the best gift anyone can ever give. Eternal salvation in Christ. That was when I knew I would break the binds of my sinful addictions, beat the horribly over tempting thought of suicide, and come out a victorious winner.

However, that doesn't mean I won't get depressed, sad, angry, or feel negative in any way. I'm still human...Emphasis on MAN. Mikaela wants to say she did the right thing, but in the end, she knew better. If she really cared that much, she'd have called me. Why did she continue to text me when she could have heard it in my voice? That's how you really know if someones serious. Instead she based her decision on a few depressed texts and a hunch. That's not enough.

I miss my beautiful, overly caring friend, but she's gone. Another confession, Even though it's been two, almost three, months since I've dated her (or seen her), I still pray for Mikaela. Every night I ask God to keep her safe, help her make good life choices, and to keep loving her. I know God's love is never ending, but mine isn't. Sure, it'd hurt seeing her again, but it'd be worth it to fix all the junk inside of me. She still has a key to my heart, she lived with me every day after our time in Carthage together.

We would have had a beautiful story, but I've started to stop believing in love stories. I believe in truth and what I know...And right now, all I know is that life won't get any better thinking about her. So I don't. 2015 is a corner stone for me. I feel it. I'm hoping in 2015, I can accomplish the following

  1. Full Time Job(s)/Work
  2. Actual Reliable Car (long story...)
  3. Attending College Again
  4. Not Living With Parents Anymore

I don't have any goals in the romance department. It seems I pick religious woman who want love, but there's always something I don't see. It's different with every one. However, my time in Carthage...When Mikaela said she wanted a life with me, she made things seem like we'd overcome any obstacle, and then in the end it was our first big fight and BOOM...Friendship over.

I'm done reliving the past, I did it to much with Bethany and I still never found out why she really walked away. THAT is something I can easily find out. Just need to walk into Michael's church and find her, ask her, and I'd get the answer. That or call Michael about it. Point is, some things are better left never knowing. I can fix that friendship, but I won't bother. Obviously if Bethany had wanted to fix it, she'd have easily been able to.

When you turn 16 years old, life changes. It gets a little complicated. However when you graduate high school...Life opens up a new door. You close one book and open the sequel...And it's not as much of a page turner unless you like problems. Work, romance, friendships, cars, money...All these factors and more come into play. I'm a Christian man and sex is even an issue with me!

I'm not fit to be a role model or mentor of any kind, but I know how life works at this point. I don't have the luxury of having financially blessed parents and the money to fix my issues or extremely close friends who share in my faith. I mean my only religious friend these days is Ashley (Mikaela's BFF) and she's busy in Europe living life to it's fullest. She's the real winner. Mikaela and I were happy, but Ashley has decided to just enjoy life and be happy with that first (as far as I know).

I don't get to message Ashley much, maybe 4 or 5 texts a week, but I'm glad she's my friend. I pray for her too, every night. I pray that she's happy and that her life stays just as good when she gets home as it was while she was in Europe.

I don't understand a lot of things these days, but I understand how prayers works a little more now. It requires the faith to believe that praying in the dark in your bed at night for someone long enough will eventually yield results. Now that could take days or years, but I am blindly praying for my friends and my loved ones, and those I don't even really like. I am hoping beyond everything else that God hears me and is working in the way he does.

Funny story, There's this thing Mikaela did where when you're eating, before you start you put your thumbs up, last one to do so has to pray before the meal. I thought it was cute and found out in Carthage when I didn't know about it yet. Well Mikaela said that she knew I wasn't good at prayer, but that she'd help me understand it and help me get better talking to God. The time we had in Carthage, she really opened up to me, let me see her for who she was. We both became vulnerable to the other and still, we loved each other the same.

That's when things were easy and moving fast was okay. I want those days in Carthage back. Mikaela told me things then, about us, and being together, that really impacted me. Anyway, more to the point, I think prayer works. I just didn't get to the point where I fully understood everything. I still stumble and you can read posts from 2 years ago and you'll see the same thing,..God, I am a faulty man.

They say talking through your problems is good, but I'm trying not to. I just write it down (air-go, blog here) and then I forget about it, best I can. I can finally go a day or two without Mikaela popping into my head and I can now say her name without it hurting. I'm just not to that point yet with pictures. That's why I hate Facebook saving all those pictures of me with my ex Jessica. It was impossible to delete the stuff off my phone, so now I have pictures that won't go away and that's a person I'll never see again. Not in my wildest dreams .

I guess this was a longer post than I thought. I hope everyone is saying a prayer for me. If not, could you do me a favor and say one right now? I have a future for myself lined up and I always have that second option...I just want you to say a simple prayer for me to choose the right thing, be a good person, never fall away from God again, and pray that the world on my shoulders doesn't crush me.

In the end, I'm coping, but the counselling was supposed to save me. I guess it still can, but that also requires the waiting game. Say a prayer for me, please...And thanks for always reading.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Very...Slow? Month.

Alright guys, I won't lie, without Mikaela as my friend, I've really had nothing at all to blog about. I loved telling you about us spending time together and being the best of friends, but that's all changed and I can't do anything about it. So I'll just give you a bit of an update and it probably won't be to long, I'm sorry about that, I just don't know what to say when there's not much to say in the first place.

So Mikaela said I needed to see a counselor and "get help" if she would start to fix our friendship. So with her done with me unless I did that, I went into overdrive and called my insurance and talked to HyVee and I finally had someone after a couple weeks. IT WAS FREAKING HARD TO SET UP!

But I did that, two weeks after Mikaela and the hospital incident, I had my first session. I told him everything and he gave me his two cents, but basically he thought it was smart that we separated ourselves from each other. He said it was now okay to contact her, so I sent a text and waited. No reply.

Sidenote: I am a SUPER EMOTIONAL GUY, so everything is on my sleeves and it really messes up my relationships. Allow me to explain this mess up...

I got upset and tried to talk to Mikaela's best friend Rachel who got mad and blocked me, followed by her boyfriend Steve. So then I got really upset and called Mikaela after a sleepless night at 7am (always a bad idea when I'm awake that early) and left a voicemail saying some things I regret more than anything I've ever said to Mikaela in our entire friendship...I don't want to say to protect her, but I felt like an ass the rest of the day and left her a second voicemail later apologizing like crazy and telling her I was SO VERY SORRY and I would leave her alone for the next few weeks or maybe longer, give her more time.

I AM SCREWING IT ALL UP GUYS!! God...I pray every night for Mikaela and tell God to take all the pain away from her, I never wanted anything less than the happiest feelings and memories...I did love her afterall!!

Now I'm at that waiting period not knowing if two weeks is enough or maybe I should wait a month...or if I should consider letting go 100%...I just really want to fix our friendship and I'm legit willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES. She's not the material type so nothing I buy or give her will do it. She wants to see that I mean it, but I don't know what I can do so far away from her...THIS IS SUCH A HARD DECISION GUYS!!!

Do I love her enough to fight (with giving her time) or love her enough to let go?!! I PRAY AND PRAY AND PRAY but I don't get a solid answer other than that the time is good. I don't want this to be how things end...I never even met her parents. We had plans...Scrapbooks to fill, CHRISTMAS!!!

All I know is that I messed up and can't keep beating myself up over it. I just pray that one day I'll get a text or phone call...Against all odds, I pray for that. Then I dream. So many dreams these days confuse me and hurt me and it's just a cruel mind game in the end.

If she ever comes back to me, as a friend at this point, I will treat her RIGHT! I will DO IT RIGHT for the remainder of ALWAYS!!

But I've had three sessions with my counselor now, I kept my promise to Mikaela, even if she doesn't know about it. I try like hell to keep promises and fix my wrongs to the best of my abilities. I have one more session and I'll have to pay $20 out of pocket, but that's the "wrap up session". If this ends poorly for my friendship with Mikaela, I'll miss her like hell, but it'll have been my fault. and I'll pay for my poor decision making.

As for the rest of my life, I work a ton and I'm trying LIKE HELL to save my money, every single penny, for my car, new phone, Christmas, and savings. Not to mention I have $200 set aside for if Mikaela decides to talk to me again before Christmas. I know what she wants since she's told me and I'm prepared to buy it. I just don't want to risk mailing her something and she getting mad at me. I want to do this right (which is why it's so hard to decide my next move)!

Anyway, thanks for reading guys. I'll try (and I mean TRY) to keep you guys updated on stuff, but my next post could possibly change direction for all I know. Hopefully you're having better luck than I am in relationships! I truly wish anyone better luck than me right now.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Consequences of our choices

Alright guys, I have to get this off my chest (Also, sorry for not posting recently, life has been a B lately). I am no longer "friends" with Mikaela. She seems to have it set in her mind that I'm emotionally manipulating her after the break up she initiated. Now for the stuff leading to this!

Since Mikaela broke my heart and told me she wanted us to be friends, she changed. She started getting angry very easily, reading into my texts to much, and making decisions for the both of us. I didn't quite understand, but I assumed she was coping her best. In addition to that, she started texting her responses to my snapchat's, not wanting to talk on the phone, and generally isolating our contact to messaging.

Well last night (Tuesday, October 7th), she decided that she should call the police on me and tell them I'm suicidal. I had to spend 4 hours in at the ER getting a Psych evaluation and convincing them I'm not suicidal. MY GOD! Finally I got out and that was the final straw. I was so mad with Mikaela, the love I still had for her as a friend, started quickly fading. She, again, made a decision for me that said my parents and closest friends I see almost every day don't know me better than she does.

Monday night I was feeling down and a little depressed so when Mikaela asked me about a snapchat I put on 'My Story', I told her how I was feeling and that things didn't look up from here. She misread that and took it upon herself to "be a hero". I don't understand why she can make those decisions, but can't see me.

When I left the hospital, I told her I was very upset with her for doing that and she said that she won't feel bad for doing the "right thing". RIIGGHHTT....Anyway, she went on to say that I'm emotionally manipulating her and she doesn't feel safe around me so that's why she won't see me, even after I suggested seeing me with friends or her mom or anyone she wanted. No budge.

Sidenote: How is it I find the woman who "love God", but end up acting very irrational? I loved Mikaela to the point of wanting to marry her so sue me for wanting to be happy for the rest of my life. Then she had to change.

So as of now, today, 10:30am, Mikaela walked away without even trying. She just gave up. This is what I hate about texting people without phone calls or face to face contact. Things get blurred and people misunderstand situations and opinions. Maybe I have some issues that need resolved, but that's MY decision to make and MY wallet that pays for it. I won't have her causing me to have anymore financial stress than I already have.

All I wanted when I started dating Mikeala was to make the friendship I loved to evolve into something better, blessed by God, and grow into this wonderful thing...Instead it was a few months of happiness, then something warped things...I don't know whats going on in Mikaela's head, but I feel like she didn't feel like she could be totally honest with me and theres something I don't know.

Not to mention there are things about our two months her parents and friends don't know...Things that would really change how I'm viewed by everyone. I take full responsibility for my actions and Mikaela loved me, she really did...More than she'll probably ever tell me now.

Now my phone won't go off as much, but that doesn't mean I'm alone. She's in my heart and as long as she knows I loved her, then that's enough for me to let go and move on. I'm giving it to God.

I always got into church because of a woman, but I never stayed when things fell apart. This time I'm doing it for me. Mikaela did love me and we had something real, but things in life changed, and I'm living with the result of our choices.

I'll keep her in my prayers, but I've cried far to much over something that can't change on its own. She needs time, probably more than a few weeks. She needs to be single for months, maybe a few years, before she even knows what she wants, and maybe I'm that same way. I guess we'll find out in time. I just have to start the trusting of God I've talked so much about...

Sunday, September 14, 2014

We'll figure things out, right?

Well I haven't posted recently, not because things haven't happened (Oh things have happened...), but because I've been so busy with work and my personal life that I can't find the time or motivation to write again. Though the 50 WPM seem to stick around no longer how long I wait to write again, I appreciate that.

Well I better dive into things. Mikaela broke up with me.

Yeah...I know.

It was 3am so maybe that's a bad time to do that, but it was a really emotional moment and a Monday (or I guess Tuesday at that point?) the 25th of August. As far as I knew, we were doing great! She and I were happy, totally in love, and that was it. I mean, I don't know what else to say. I'm not going to outline the whole thing, because a lot has changed since then. I'm just giving you an update.

I don't want to make an overly emotional post, but I was completely caught off guard by this. If you think men don't cry, well thing again, I bawled my eyes out like a small school boy with no friends! I was begging God to tell me why, the reason behind it. I gave her my entire soul, heart, and loved her like she was the only person in the world, which she was for me. Maybe it was to much, to soon. Everyone wants to find "The One", I know I do, but maybe I was laying things on a little thick.

Even now, it'll be three weeks this upcoming Thursday that I haven't seen her. I wish I could give you guys more, but I will say this, I went to a healing service last Sunday and bridged the gap to why I have trust issues in relationships. I guess you're never done growing.

Mikaela and I have had other problems since the break up, but mostly that's just me letting the pain control me and I'm past that now. Mikaela and I are going to work on things and we'll see what happens. I am not sure how much she wants me to post on here, and I am not going to get myself in trouble again because of someone I posted online (trust me, you DON'T want to know).

Let's just say I love Mikaela and promised to not post unnamed status' on Facebook (YES I KNOW I'M AN IDIOT). We just got past that and God has worked on us both quite a bit.

I truly wish I could post more, but I don't know what else to say. I'm a single man again, work is going wonderful for me, but I have car problems (as most people do). Life is overall a blessing though. Sooo...yeah. Until next time!

Friday, July 25, 2014

My better tomorrow starts today!

So I'll try to post as much as possible guys, as I've said before, but the weeks are just really boring for me. I get to see Mikaela every other Thursday or so, and those are really fun dates, but I don't really thinking posting every little detail and date is important. It's great and they're always the super fun highlights of my week, but I will post about every other date. Like our date yesterday!

We decided that, as food lovers, it's mandatory to have a cake date! SO WE DID! We went to The Cheesecake Factory and had a fabulous (and affordable) date! I had a most excellent time and we had fun and made more memories! We had some carrot cake cheesecake and the 30th anniversary cheesecake, which were grand!

Have I mentioned yet that I love Mikaela yet? No? (Shame on me!) Well I totally love her!! I am so happy that everything is lining up and my life is turning around. Wait, you don't know the news (Ooohh...It's good)!

So I had an interview at HV (you see my cleverness continue? I like it.) and it seemingly went great and they said they'd call me by the falling Thursday and I waited anxiously for a call, but when no phone call came, I was sad and was about to give up, but my dad suggested calling Friday morning to hear that I didn't get the job and know.

Well Friday came and I called and, to my surprise, the lady who interviewed me said Thursday was really busy and she didn't have time to call anyone, but wanted me to come in for a drug test! Needless to say, I went in and was officially offered a job!! My interview is this Saturday morning before my party!

I WAS FLOATING ON AIR!! I finally found something. ME! I WAS AND STILL AM SO HAPPY!!

So back on topic, I can see my life turning around! I like the church I'm attending, my girlfriend loves me, as I love her, and I got a 2nd job to help build my income! LIFE IS GOOD. I know some of you don't really believe in a higher power, but you can't deny that God exists after reading my posts about loss and hurt and love and power and growth! I mean, you could, but how could you knowing what I've been through?!

I have seen the face of pain, I have been to the bottom, even thought about ending everything, but something kept me alive, heart beating, and the smallest speck of hope still lit inside my heart, has brought me back! So I know it's hard to believe in something like a God as powerful and big as the one I believe in, but really look at what has kept me going. It wasn't my friends, my family, or even the things as material as my job or electronics.

It was the deepest feeling inside that this is wrong. It's not over.

So I believe that it's God who holds my future, and always shall, and who am I to take my life and tell God he can't have it? I've had my walk in sin and lived with no purpose, living in the shadow of others and sleeping in the most literal darkness you can imagine.

I'm done. I'm back on the right path, and I'm starting over, but this time I'm not going to stop. I'm going to fully give myself again and never pull back. I have this deeper purpose inside of me that I'm sitting on, but no longer shall I suppress the gifts I've been given, the purpose I'm meant to live, and the blessings I've refused to accept! I have a beautiful Christian woman who loves me and builds me up, wants to see me grow, and loves that I want that too.

I'm really trying to pick things up, both mentally and literally (my room is a bit messy, ha!) and I can see that it's not as easy as I'd hoped, but it doesn't mean I'll give up. NO SIR! I'm going the extra mile. Just don't expect to see posts about some extreme progress, but a slow build.

Well, I guess those are the big highlights. I'd hate to leave you without a really cheesy song, so enjoy the song below. Just remember, I'm going to grow, and things will be great on the other side, in fact, they already are.

(PS. Told ya it'd be cheesy)

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Officially official for real!

Do you guys want to see something cool, like really neat? Are you sure, because I don't have to show you...Okay, okay, stop complaining, here it is!

That is the about me section of my Facebook page and it clearly shows that I am in a relationship with Mikaela! SHE IS OFFICIALLY MY GIRLFRIEND!! I personally couldn't be happier. I love her and will be the best man possible for her. So our anniversary will be June 12th, which next year isn't on a Thursday, but that's fine.

I bet you're wondering what I've been up to since my last post over 2 weeks ago. Well I went up to visit Mikaela while she was house sitting in Carthage and spent the night so I could help her brother the next day with moving into his new place. Her brother didn't say anything bad about me, but he didn't say anything good about me either, so hopefully he likes me or at least thinks I'm a good person.

The first day I was down there though, I met Mikaela's friends Rachel and Steve (they're dating) and went to the precious moments chapel and they liked me! That's good because her friends are like my Nathan and Carolyn (also dating) and it'd be a shame if they didn't like me. They just want Mikaela to be happy though, which I agree with. As long as she's happy, that's what matters!

While at the Precious Moments Chapel...

So when I got back from Carthage, I just kinda worked and that's why I don't post very frequently. I don't have much to say on the days/weeks I work more than anything. So when something fun and/or big happens, like seeing Mikaela or something, that's when I choose to post.

I went on my fourth date with Mikaela today and it was our shortest yet. It was a lunch date and we saw each other for around 4 hours, but that's fine. I was really happy to see Mikaela and I was originally scheduled to work but my wonderful sister worked for me so I could see Mikaela.

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I am really looking forward to my summer party 2014 that I'll be having this year. If things work out as I hope, all my friends will get to meet Mikaela and Ashley and vice versa. I'm really hoping Nathan likes Mikaela, which he probably will, but she has a lot of the fun tendencies I have that Nathan doesn't like. Such as being super hyper and occasionally random, I stopped being so random, but can't control how hyper I get. Nathan thinks I can get way to happy also. WE SHALL SEE!!

I'm having my party on July 26th this year so expect a post that following week sometime. I'll try to get pictures for you guys, but no promises. Until next time!

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Date numero dos!

So This previous Thursday (June 12th, 2014) I went on my second date with Mikaela and it definitely went well. We met up around 11:20am to go see A Million Ways to Die in the West. I personally liked it, but it was more of an action movie than a comedy. Still good though.

After the movie, I had Indian food for the first time, Mikaela loves it, and I really liked it too! She was so happy that I liked it, because of how much she enjoys it herself. During our meal, the real questions and talking started happening though. I finally got to bring up how it bothers me when she tells me she's hanging with a "friend" and never tells me the gender specifics.

Sidenote: I'm not the jealous type, but I notice Mikaela talks to a lot of people online, of both genders, and I am a cautious man, plus I trust Mikaela, very much, so I should be able to talk to her, about any concern, if we end up dating.

Well she had no idea I felt this way and said it's good I told her about it, because she would have been fixing that, had I said something sooner. I told her I felt stupid bringing it up and that's why I didn't, but since then (3 days now), she's been saying the names of who she's with so I worry less (She's a very attractive woman, I don't want to lose her to some other man).

She told me that I'm the only man she's been going on dates with though so I don't need to worry so much. My friends made me worry originally because it sounded sketchy to them (can you blame them?) and so I worried because of that.

Truth is, she's a loyal woman to one man. I knew that before, but it felt good to hear in person. Other things we talked about included using the word "love" to describe how I feel towards her. I thought really hard about this one and told her that if its right, falling in love should be easy. If it's not easy...Well, it's not love.

She had to agree with me and since then, we've been using the word love a lot, not to loosely, but it gives me an optimistic look on life every day. I wake up and I immediately think of Mikaela and how she's doing and what she'll do today and when I'll see her beautiful face next. I can truly say that I love her and she loves me. It's beautiful, to fall in love and feel those warm feelings again.

She tells me that I make her feel special and she I hold her in my arms, she feels safe. That last bit, that made me want to just cry, I was so happy to hear it. I usually have a issue making woman feel safe, even though I try and I try...Someone gets hurt. WELL NOT TODAY! This time, I'm making sure I don't listen to false prophets telling me it's Gods will and trusting so much that I don't confirm that myself.

I have prayed about Mikaela and so I have to follow a few rules, but if I do that, then happiness and joy and peace and love, all those good things, will fall into place for me.

We talked about a few other things and then went to the mall, she likes the mall it seems, and walked around and we held hands (as we usually do). Really it was a fun, simple date. Sure, the big L.O.V.E word was brought up, but I asked if it was to soon and she said it wasn't, she was waiting for me to say it first. So now all I have to do is keep giving her reasons to love me. Show her that I'm the kind of man who does give 100% in a relationship.

I really hope it works out guys, because you'll have a lot of happy posts to read if it does. MAYBE EVEN PICTURES, EVENTUALLY!! You guys will be so jealous when you see how beautiful she is. I'm not even floating my own boat, she's literally gorgeous! You'll see soon enough...

Thanks for reading guys, until next time!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Nintendo at E3 2014!

First of all, I gotta say that Nintendo had an incredible digital presentation with great announcements and it reminded me of how broke I'll be the rest of the year and 2015. That being said, I'll give you guys the 45 minute video of their presentation.

Was that not a cool presentation? Especially that beginning with the awesome fighting scene that introduced the Smash announcement?! WAY COOL! I think I even embed a playlist of 31 videos from E3. If not, you can just go to their YouTube channel and see all the updates and videos for yourself.

So with that being said, I had to say I am super impressed. I hand picked 10(?) games that I want, 5 I want pretty badly. All together, it equals over $500 is gaming content, which I hope ends up being worth it. Thank goodness my job is doing well for me right now, I'll be saving money on the side so I can afford it all.

I'll post again soon, but had to show my Nintendo love by posting this. Thanks guys!

Friday, May 30, 2014

Better first impressions

So I hate doing this to you guys, but because I didn't have internet at the time of my first date with Mikaela, I'm going to skim through it so I can tell you about my Thursday this week. Hope you're alright with that.

So basically my first date with Mikaela was on Thursday, May 22nd, 2014. We met up and ate at an Italian restaurant called Zios, where things were very fancy. It was really fun and we talked and my jokes made her laugh (I'm not making that part up) and we had fun. After eating, we went to the park and just talked and had really fun conversations for a few hours until it was time to go. I even gave her a foot massage (which she loved)!

That's the summary I'll give you guys, which basically is the whole thing. I'd give more details about Zios or what we talked about, but I doubt you guys want every tiny detail. So moving on!

Sidenote: After our first date, Mikaela said she wanted to pray about how it went and see if it was a good idea to have a second date. I did the same and I got from God that if I can respect her body, I'll be blessed this summer. Pretty vague, but I get the point. I'm not pushing anything beyond where she's ready. That's my promise to God and Mikaela. So far, I've kept that and I plan to keep that up.

Sidenote: Just FYI, 6 people liked that status. Yeah, don't you wish you got that many likes? Haha.

Yesterday was Thursday May 29th, 2014 and I met up with Mikaela at 2pm and we hung out (went to stores, the mall, ect...) and talked and held hands and it was super fun. When it got closer to 4:30pm, we were leaving Gordmans and I got to read Mikaela the poem I wrote her. It was full of feelings and happiness and warmth. She said it was really sweet and that she liked it, so I let her keep it (I only had the one copy so I hope she takes care of it).

After it got to be around 5pm, we were meeting up with Ashley. The Indian joint we were going to eat at was closed for "family matters" so we had to think up a backup plan, which ended up being Mexican food.

We went to a really yummy mexican restaurant and I got shrimp enchiladas, which were FABULOUS! They also had really yummy guacamole too! After that, we went to Walmart and looked around and also a pet store in the mall. I GOT TO HOLD A HEDGEHOG!!

It was the cutest thing in the world, ever! I now have a new, fun memory. After that, Mikeala, Ashley, and I all drove to a church(?) building...place (I think) and laid in the grass on a blanket for a bit and just talked about a lot of stuff and people and then slowly transitioned to a kids playground there as well. It was super fun and I didn't want to leave, but the time got closer to 11:30 and everyone had to go.

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It was fun, really and truly. I just wish the days I loved never had to end. I keep replaying the day over and over in my head and I wouldn't change anything. I got to hold Mikaela's hand, show affection, feel it returned to me. It was perfect. Ashley and I got off on the wrong foot and I am no longer seen as a rock to her and we even have plans to hang out now next Saturday.

If I could relive any day of my life in my almost 21 years, I wouldn't want to pick. There are so many days I've been blessed with. So many memories. Even before high school, I had good days. I just wish I could live them all over again, but I know I have to look to the future and make those the best days to come. Mikaela and I are seeing things in the same perspective right now and our friendship is growing. To see that grow to something bigger, better, with more purpose...Yeah, that'd be awesome.

I just know that not everyone moves at the same speed so I'm giving her time to see that I am a man of real interest. I have goals and dreams and desires too. I'm the kind of man to never push anything beyond what it should naturally become. If we become more than friends, that's great! I'll treat her as she should be, respect her, and give her memories she'll never forget.

I told her last night before I left how I felt about us, together, as an item (or couple, if you like that term better). She can see that I'm starting to trust her, let her in, and that's a big deal for me. She saw my vulnerability and how easily it could have been to cut me. Yet she looked into my eyes and smiled and understood everything I was saying. She has a kind heart, a gentle soul, and a caring attitude.

To say that she deserves a good man is an understatement. She deserves a great man, and she'll be blessed with that, I know it.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Just Maybe Mikaela...

So this is going to be a lot more fun than my last post, mostly because it will have nothing to do with Sierra and a lot more to do with Mikaela. That's probably the best opening sentence to a blog in forever, haha. ONWARD!

So i'll start off with this. I'm no longer the supervisor at The Tree. Sierra no longer works for The Tree, she quit. My friend Marissa is now supervisor of The Tree. I am now the Assistant Manager of The Tree. That's probably the best paragraph in a blog in forever, haha.

This really is fun to post! So basically to break everything down for you guys, my manager thought Sierra's accusations against me were bogus from the start. They had to take it seriously, of course, but they saw doubt in the truth that it was real. They took a breather and I let things settle down, but when Sierra found out nothing went her way, she got pissed off and put in her notice. Oh well, you reap what you sow in life and she was (In a nice way of saying it) a horrible bitch.

I don't get how you can let anger control you and your decisions.


Wait, isn't that what I DID when Bethany screwed me over? I let anger pull me away from church and God. That was a hypocritical thing to say then. Well, one thing I know is that these situations are NOT the same. However, I was raised not to judge others or be one to cast the first stone, so perhaps I can just let her decide what she wants to do with her anger. Yeah, lets go with that.

Anyway, moving on, Sierra quit The Tree when she didn't get her way. I keep having to see her come into LT too, which is awkward, but I put on a fake smile and have (not so) lasting conversations with her, hahaha. Okay, i'm messing with you guys now. We talk about work and then she leaves, usually. She likes standing around awkwardly and making things weird. However I talked to her Wednesday (05/07) when she came in and slipped my Thursday (05/08) plans, which I wanted her to know NOTHING about. Oh well, she can be jealous. She actually had a look of surprise on her face. I didn't know what kind of surprise though, and I don't want to know.

So what were my Thursday plans? I'm so glad you asked guys!


I was so excited, and still am, about the whole thing! I went better than I had expected too!! You want me to dish out on the details? I actually am excited to share, hehe. Okay, here goes...

We agreed to meet at 1pm closer to where she lives, which is roughly 40 minutes from where I live, but it's more convenient for her and she's totally worth it. Anyway, we were originally going to meet and eat at Red Robin, but there was some crazy construction going on ON THE ROAD I NEEDED to get to Red Robin and my GPS was stupid and wouldn't find me an alternate route, so we decided on Applebee's, which was great still.

Best thing ever (of many best things), so I pull into Applbee's and I'm insanely nervous, like OH MY GOD, but I keep telling myself, "be cool, be cool man. You're just meeting a friend...who's crazy attractive..." and then I kept being nervous, but I stopped before going in and just shook my hands and took a deep breath before walking in. I was told where she was and all awesome like, she was facing against me so I just saw the beautiful short hair she had recently gotten. Boom! I slide into the booth and say hello (I'm smiling like a moron as I type this too, haha!) and we begin our first conversation in person.

I don't really know how, but we made it through an hour without stopping. We just had lots to talk about and really had a good time! After we ate and talked more, we decided to walk around a mall in the area and she showed me the places she goes and we just kept talking. We went to some clothing stores and she showed me her style and how she really loves dresses (which I'm okay with)! I think dresses are neat and fun so that was great!

On the way to the second store (or maybe it was the third, though I think it was the second and third), the best thing happened. I GOT MY FIRST HUG WITH MIKAELA!! It was SO GREAT! I LOVE HUGS GUYS, I NEVER GET TO HUG ANYONE AND THAT'S TRAGEDY!! So it was awesome! Also, as we started walking again, she put her arm in mine as we walked, which I didn't expect and I honestly loved it. It took some getting used to, but I did enjoy it. We walked around the ENTIRE mall before we left and it didn't have a lot, but I just enjoyed seeing Mikaela and talking/seeing her.

After we left the mall, we went to Target (idk, she picked it) and we looked around and then went to a clothing store and back to Target where I had insisted she let me buy her a pair of earrings and then to the Starbucks in the Target where I had my first Starbucks drink, ever. She couldn't believe that since she's obsessed, haha. Though I think it was good. We got some pomegranate tazo sweet tea.

After we got that, we went back to her car and went back to Applebee's where my car was (she knew the area, not me, that's why she drove. Otherwise I'd have drove). We just sat in her car and talked and I tried convincing her how beautiful she was and she kept laughing and smiling and making clever comebacks. It was absolutely fantastic. Well we had finally reached the point where are venture had to end and so she got out of her car and came around to mine and gave me another hug and I didn't let go but held her and looked at her and said I had a great time and she smiled and kissed my cheek and said, "There, you finally got your kiss." (I'll explain that in a second). I said thanks and she laughed and I told her this was fun and I wanted to do it again and she agreed.

So I drove home with the happiest smile on my face and ignoring the fact that my phone died half way back, having me guess how to get home with no GPS, I had a great time! Here is my proof.

So there you have it. Thursday, May 8th, 2014 was the best day of my year so far and I have to honestly agree with that. I doubt my 21st birthday will even be better this year. What am I gonna do, go get drunk? My dad is really strict on alcohol consumption and I don't want to tempt fate. Though who knows, I'm getting more rebellious as the years pass by. I'm learning to do things in a different way than my parents ever wanted me to, and they see that. I'd like to be living on my own in 2 years time, but we'll see how that goes, when it happens. Other than that..Yeah, this was your update.

I think this was a fabulous first meeting and as bad as I still feel about it, it went way better than with Ashley, Mikaela's friend, whom I went on that date with.

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So one thing I loved about when Mikaela and I met up was while we were at Applebee's. She brought up a class she took about the Love Languages, which is great! She basically told me, without probably meaning to, that she is looking for a serious relationship. Something that will last, because she's not looking for "just a good time" or "something temporary". I am looking for the same thing. I want nothing less than a serious relationship that works.

The fact that our personalities matched and we want the same things from a relationship shows promise. The funny thing is that I was told Mikaela wasn't looking for a relationship and yet, we're talking about it. I'm at the front of her list and she's at the front of mine! What does that tell you? I have hope and trust that whatever is Gods will, that's what will happen. This definitely showed me that I won't end up alone if I don't give up though. I was lost for awhile in my own dark place, but through time, I came out on top. It would have been a lot faster, had I just gone back to church though, haha.

Oh well, can't revel in the past, cause that's not changing! Until next time guys, thanks for reading. 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

As relevant as anything else I'd post.

I figure that's about as relevant as anything else I'd be posting on here. Well I don't really have anything to post right now, but I might have a bit of a Mikaela update for you guys soon. FINGERS CROSSED GUYS (don't you love cliff hangers)!

Friday, April 4, 2014

Note to self: Don't piss off Sierra.

So work with Sierra didn't go to bad Friday. Though she did ignore me and when I tried to talk about the elephant in the room, she screamed at me in front of customers, causing a scene and probably startling customers too. That's not even the worst of it. When that happened, the rest of the night went quietly until she started to pretend nothing was wrong and acting all cheery around me. I thought she got over herself and grew up long enough to let go of our silly fight.

Turns out it was all an elaborate act, because the next day when I text her, she ignored me again. Not answering the phone, texts...Nothing. Until Saturday, the 29th of March. I'm working The Tree and I'm trying to get Sierra to reply to me, when suddenly an unknown number claiming to be Sierra's boyfriend texts me, threatening to come to The Tree if I don't stop. I explain to him, or try, that I only want to fix our friendship, I mean no harm, and I DO NOT WANT TO DATE SIERRA NOW OR EVER (Especially if she does stuff like this to people).

You want proof? I've got proof.

Is that enough proof? Talking to some guy she barely knows to fight her battles is pretty stupid. For both of them. Hes threatening to come physically harm me and expects me to be scared. All this time, I'm just assuming she doesn't have a boyfriend until my friend Courtney tells me she does and I just never got the information download.

I end up feeling like an asshole trying to steal another guys girlfriend, who happens to be my best friend and the whole time, I never wanted to date her, it was her who led me on. She told me we could have a life together and be happy and she was willing to try, but once I agree she becomes the bipolar poster child and flips out like I made all those suggestions.

Well I was done Saturday night after her boyfriend tried to threaten me and she was still ignoring me. I was walking away, but just had to hear it from Sierra that it's what she wanted. Sierra worked the following morning opening The Tree so I just needed to hear it from her and I'd walk away forever.

I tried calling Sierra, but she wouldn't answer the phone so I called the store phone and she picked up (she has to). She was all pissy with me and when I said I was coming in, she hung up on me. Well it wasn't off to a good start. I go into The Tree and she gives me a horribly disapproving look. I quickly jump into it and ask what I did wrong. She stays quiet and so I start to apologize for everything.

I told her nothing between us will ever happen anymore (regardless of what she led me on to believe). I was done trying and I told her that I only tried this hard because she led me on and Mikaela said to try with her first. Well Sierra really didn't say much and I was as nice as possible. I told her I'd give her as much space as she needed and that I'd stop texting and calling until she was ready.

Well I left feeling like it was a lost cause and like I'd lost a good friend, but I hadn't given up entirely. But that wasn't it. I found out Wednesday (April 2nd) that Sierra had reported me at The Tree for (said offense). I was so mad when I found out and I knew it was only because the one thing she told me Sunday morning was that she "could" report me for (said offense) because she doesn't want me to get promoted. I heard this from her mouth. She was pissed off I won't recommend her for her own promotion and so me earning another one...Well it pisses her off.

Well I had to call my manager the next day and sort the whole thing out. Lucky for me, I just got a warning, but I don't know if I've lost my promotion or not. My manager has been ignoring me since the situation. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

More has happened outside of Sierra, but I'll talk about that in my next post (if I remember).

Last thing. If anyone thinks that I'm actually capable of such horrible things like (said offense), they are full of crap. I'm the nicest guy you will ever meet and can never even think of doing things like I was reported for. It makes me sick to think about. I do my job, I earn what I have, and one day I'll have a wife that I'll provide for. All under God's blessing.

The chapter in my life where Sierra was my best friend closed on April 2nd for me, but even sooner for her. It's sad, how it ended, but it was sad how Bethany walked away. Sad how Jessica stopped talking to me. Sad how Clarissa ignored me. Lastly, it was sad the George and Kyle had taken different paths in life than mine. I've lost a lot of good friends and people in my life, but they all blame me and for some, it was me. This, by far was not me. It was Sierra punching my friendship in the face and allowing her own anger to control the situation.

I'll miss her, but I'll move on as well. I have before and I'm stronger now from the past.

Friday, March 28, 2014

It's all to confusing, really...

So i'm having girl troubles. Not the kind of girl troubles where woman want me and I can't decide who I want troubles (though you'd believe that if you read it...right?), but the kind of girl troubles where I try to ask out my best friend and she changes her mind about things. Explanation is below.

So I found out Wednesday that Sierra was going to date me, but all I ever talk about anymore is Mikaela this or Mikaela that. Sierra was my best friend and I had already previously wanted to date her and got shot down like a plane in enemy territory. I burned and it hurt, but I got over myself and we stayed friends. Now Wednesday when I was finding this out, things with Mikaela were developing too. She had been asked out by a guy at a clothing store and wanted to know if I'd be mad if she went out with him.

I was honest and said that mad wasn't right right word, but sad was. I liked her and was hoping we'd get the chance to meet so she'd see how great of a guy I really am. She thought my feelings for her were gone, so this came as a shock to her. Convenient timing for them both, right? Well when I talked to Mikaela about this whole situation, she said that she has a date Friday and to try for Sierra first.

Sidenote: In all honesty, I was hoping Mikaela would pick me, but I guess there's still time if her date Friday isn't a total success. Though I hope she has a really great time and it works out, I want her to be happy.

So I agreed and pursued Sierra, because I don't want to lose her at the end of the summer when she moves to Kansas. Yeah, she's leaving at the end of the summer...Which sucks. Well I told Sierra I wanted to fight for her, but all of a sudden she changed her mind and argued with me that she never told me she wanted me, ever. When she was done arguing, she proceeded to ignore me the rest of the night. No texts, no calls, nothing after that last text at 6:30. It really annoyed me that she did that, it was the most extreme thing she's ever done to me.

So the next day, I text her around 11:30 or so and she replied and explained why she ignored me and I got a little heated and said she pulled a bitch move, which she didn't agree with. Well we fell back into the conversation of dating and, once again, she ignored me, for 3 or 4 hours. I finally got her to pick up the phone when I called and she mostly listened to me, but then got mad and hung up on me. About 20 minutes later, she replied to my texts and said she "needed time". And I haven't heard from her since 12pm Thursday.

Now we close The Tree tonight so hopefully she had enough "time" to think about....Whatever she wanted to think about. We are great for each other and to see her doing this really, truly sucks. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I explained to Mikaela that I took her advice, pursued Sierra, and it failed. Shes to afraid of me being the right guy and to scared of the thought of losing me as her friend if things end badly.

Well I told Mikaela that I tried, I honestly gave it my best shot, but she wouldn't even listen. I told Mikaela that I want to now pursue her. I would, of course, let her go on her date Friday and give it her best shot with this guy, but if it doesn't work, I would try to pursue her best I could. I mean, its like a 30-40 minute drive to where she is in Kansas or something.

I just want to find the person who will be my wife. I've fallen away from God, I've been stupid, and I can't take any of the stupid decisions I've made back. Though when I see Michael still actively in Bethanys life and so happy for her to have found Jonathon...It makes me want to scream at God and fall to my knees, to weak to complain, yet still wanting to try.

I've got some growing to do, even if God throws my wife in front of me. I can see and admit that. I just haven't gotten around to trusting churches yet...One day. That's another thing, when Michael made me make a Need vs. Want list for my wife, Sierra doesn't fit everything in the Need column from two years ago, when I made it, yet Mikaela does. Sierra fits all the wants, as Mikaela does too, but I didn't really make a detailed list of what I want, just what I need. One being religion.

Sierra isn't religious at all, to my knowledge, and Mikaela is. Mikaela loves God and is very active in her church, she makes lesson plans for youth on Wednesdays. She even does the lesson, I think. It's super cool! I just see Sierra and its something I want now and I see Mikaela and I haven't met her yet, so it's like a to good to be true dream....I want it to be real, but it won't be until I meet her and give her the hug I've promised her.

Well I have to meet Michael Monday at 11:30, because I set up a time for us to meet, my treat. I've been thinking way to much and my respect for Michael has been slipping every time my opinions run around in my mind and I want it to stop. If I'm going to lose respect for Michael, it has to be because he has personally done something wrong, not because of my opinions. Although he has lost some respect in not bothering to keep in touch, contact me, or reach out in any way. Lloyd too.

I guess that's the bad thing with churches. Even if you feel like "A part of the church" but walk away, they won't always reach out to you. They may wonder about you or possibly pray, but I needed someone who kept me on the right path and my recent one has definitely been wrong.

I work with Sierra tonight so we'll see what she says. Until then...

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Since last time...

Alright, for the record, the whole point of that last post was for Michael to read it, because I'm not just going to talk to him myself. Turns out, he doesn't read my blog or try to keep in touch in any way. That surprised me. I even text him a few days after asking, very vaguely, "Have you seen it?" and he replied, "I don't have to see it to believe it ;)" and I knew he hadn't. I later that week told him to stop sending me the VOTD and he thought I was on a "tirade" against the word. No, I just don't read it anymore and the timing was right to say I don't want to get them anymore and the past 2 days, I haven't gotten any VOTD from him. Now my phone won't get texts from Michael for who knows how long.

Onward from that, the past week hasn't been to bad. I mean, I work mostly. I might lose my job at ExFed this week, but we'll see what happens. I apparently did a really good job yesterday. On the plus side, I've talked to my manager at The Tree and she agreed to give me full time hours this summer if I lose my job, so the income will still happen, LUCKY FOR ME!

I've been watching Arrow on Netflix lately and just finished season one last night (all they have on Netflix) and its a really good show!! I wish now that I'd been recording it so I could see season two and three. Now I have to wait to see any more, not to mention this October, The Flash (Yes, the DC Flash) is getting a show on The CW. I'm making sure I watch that!

I've been wanting to write a new rap lately with the theme "doors" because my friend Marissa's brother is a rapper and if he can see something good, he'll let me be on his mixtape. He has a studio and everything! I just haven't had the time and when I do, I just don't feel like doing anything, because I'm to tired. Or I type a blog post instead (like right now, haha).

Now for the people update, I'll made it all organized n' stuff!


Sierra and I have had our share of arguments, fights, and break-aparts. It's really annoying that we can't stay friends for very long without fighting again. I love her to death and I want to find a way to keep us friends, but the last little spat happened a few days ago. It was so stupid too. Unrelated to why we were fighting, the last 4-5 times we've hung out, it's involved me buying her food. Not cheap food either, like restaurant food. I don't understand why, especially since I could be losing my job with ExFed here shortly, I need to save what I can, plus she STILL owes me $50, but she claims to have bills and car payments every time I bring up paying for herself or the $50 she owes me. Money sucks, but I'm not letting it ruin our friendship so I'll get the $50 eventually, but I am going to stop buying her food. We're friends, not dating, we go dutch from now on.

I hate "complaining" about it too, because it makes me feel like a bad friend and I love Sierra to death, so I don't want it to come across that way, but right now, she doesn't text me as much anymore, call me, or even try. It makes me wonder whats happening. We worked together on Sunday, when we had our spat. It was decent shift, but could have been better if we hadn't spat...I think she is holding onto that and it's why she doesn't talk to me right now. Guess I'll find out soon enough.


What can I say about my beautiful friend? We've been doing great lately, I really do enjoy talking with her and we've even agreed to meet this year at some point! I AM SO EXCITED TO MEET HER!!! I am going to give her a big hug and we're gonna have a great time! We text more than SnapChat, but that's fine, because I've gotten to where I text her earlier in the day now instead of just in the evening and she even texts me back! So I'd say we're doing good. At least, I'm super happy with how things are going.


Well, Auds (I still call her Auds) and I haven't talked since my last post, but I just wanted to let you guys know that according to the nothing I've heard, our friendship is over. Ka-putt. I'd blame Jessica for lying about me still "creeping" on her, but I'm the one who made false Facebook accounts. Guess our friendship wasn't strong enough to last. Maybe one day, we'll be friends again, who knows?

Uhhh...I don't really know what else to blog about now. If I do get a rap finished, I'll drop you guys a video of me doin' my thang! Also, be sure to follow my page on Facebook if you want to get the soonest updates.

(Go ahead, click it)!!

Well I'll post again soon, thanks for reading.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Dear Michael...

Dear Michael,

You are nothing short of a good man, full of Christ, loving everyone, and never judging anyone based on their past. When I met you on August 8th, 2011 at church, I could just tell there was something different about you. I didn't know it, but that "different feeling" was the love of Christ just flowing from you. After you had talked with me, actually listened, you prayed with me.

Now prayer is something I was never that used too, but I went along with you. I did know that in that time and place I needed something more than life was giving me (I had just lost George and Kyle as my best friends), but when everyone there just gathered around and put hands on me, things got freaky, real fast. I had never been in that situation in my life before. It was a true first time for me and I have to admit that I could feel a difference afterwards.

Skipping the Applebee's and my first fellowship experience, for the next year, I grew in Christ and you led me along and made sure I stayed on the right path, along with Bethanys help. I appreciated that, I really figured out who I was IN CHRIST and that was the first time any of the religious "crap" my father said ever made sense.

I grew up in a religious home, as you know, but my father took the wrong approach on teaching me the bible and I ended up not liking the "God" my father spoke so highly of. You showed me the truth Michael, you showed me that God isn't forcing anything on me, that was just my father. God was shown as a God of love, compassion, caring for me more than I can ever fathom. That's also thanks to you Michael.

You didn't even know, but every conversion we had made me respect you more and before I had even known it, your opinion mattered to me more than anyone's. Remember when you had that youth revival and I didn't go, but you really thought I should have gone? I could feel it inside that I should have gone too.  I knew I had screwed up and made a wrong decision. It could have kept me from spinning out in 2012, you never know. I just knew I should have gone.

You are a good man and I don't blame you for anything that's happened to me since that summer, and I was to depressed to even think about anything other than ask myself, "Why did this happen to me?" and "I don't deserve this after what I'd sacrificed for God!", but I was a fool in the end. I just allowed Satan to manipulate how I was feeling and that got me to leave church, blame people at church, and hold a, still strong, bitterness for Bethany, stronger than I've ever had for one person.

My mother always told me that the only person I should hate is the devil. Well, I would always say that how I felt was 1% less than hate to appease her, but in this situation, the emotion I felt, and still feel, is true hate. Its never been so strong Michael. Now it's not the fueled in my every day life unless I hear about Bethany or, God forbid, see her.

Months later, about a month or so ago (to be exact), I began to think really hard about my life and I began to think about you and your church and how God has blessed you to an extent I have never known could happen. It's insane how I was being just as blessed back in 2011 and partly 2012, before I left. However, my brain began pumping out thoughts, ideas, and suggestions.

For clarification, I don't blame you for anything that's happened, you've never done anything wrong. I just began wondering...Why...Why did you see me falling out of Christ and follow through with allowing it to actually happen? You worked with Bethany and me in figuring out what to do with our feelings for each other. You told me in was our decision (leaving Jessica, being with Bethany, etc...), yet when it all happened and Bethany left me, or whatever happened, you just let it happen.

I understand it wasn't your problem, more than anyone, but for my sake, I would have liked you to step in and talk to me, ask me how I was feeling, or something. I don't know if you talked to Bethany, but from where I'm standing Michael, Bethany is still in church, with a new man, and you and her just kept on living, happy in each others lives, content with the way things ended up (like it was fate or something). I feel forgotten, like you just let go. I felt like I was part of something real and then it just...ended, without warning.

The same thing happened with Lloyd, only I asked him and he told me he was "giving me space", but I didn't need space! What I needed was someone strong enough to tell me I was being stupid. Tell me that I was making a wrong decision to leave Christ, church, and letting what happened control my life. I spun out of control, lost who I was, and wasn't yet strong enough to be on my own. I can admit that. I thought for sure you'd intervene and try to help me...

These days, I see my life being void this past 2 years. I never knew something like Christ, but instead of wanting Christ, I was to mad at church people, letting the anger fuel my motivations. I know this isn't you at all Michael, you are the nicest man I know. I've said it many times before, and I'll still boast it, but I respect you Michael. You're like a second father, you mean that much to me. So when you just "let me go", it hurt. It really hurt.

It hurt when Lloyd did that, but more when I felt that way with you Michael. I can't express the guilt I feel for admitting that, but I was always honest with you Michael. You told me that if I'm honest, you'll be honest; no BS. That's how everyone should be with anyone they come in contact with, but sadly its not that way in the world. Either way, everything is out in the open Michael.

I'm a lost soul, still with purpose, but splintered by the choice of having to live each day knowing the truth, but  to angry to do anything with the information I have. I did love Bethany, for the record, and I know you saw that. The happiness I felt, trusting God, and loving Bethany endlessly. Guess "endlessly" isn't the right word these days, haha...

Thanks for reading,
Zachary Love

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Hope a welcome return!

Hello readers, this is a Wednesday, which means one of three things.

  1. My sister is back from college for an odd reason
  2. I read my book, returned it, and paid off the fines
  3. I got my laptop situation fixed
Out of those options, I'll let you decide before I tell you the answer. Okay, enough waiting. the third and final option is correct! I paid $130 to fix the fan on my laptop, hoping everything would go well and things did...For about 10 minutes. I ended up figuring out that the motherboard was the problem. OH JOY!

Well to put things into an easy explanation (if not already to late), I went back to the computer place and the guy felt so bad, he let me trade my laptop in for a new refurbished laptop for $90! I gladly took the deal with gratitude. The man didn't have to work with me, but I feel blessed that he cared enough to work with me. He knows how to keep customers. That was very thoughtful of him. 


Best part of my laptop is having Spotify. Music is my life and it's great to be able to share my music with you guys again. Sometimes songs say better for me what I mean or intend. I have a foolish way of rambling on about something, which can be amusing, but also embarrassing at times.


So now that I can keep you guys updated regularly, I'm gonna be able to take my time posting, make the posts longer, give more detail, and most importantly, post whenever I want! So lets start with work.

The cats out of the bag, I'm a package handler at ExFed (I'm being clever here, work with me). I kick butt, every day, working hard to make the money I can. I still work at The Tree (my other cleverness at work) and kinda tag em' both to make maximum profit and I've never been more financially secure than I am now.

Even though I stopped with church, I feel blessed to have been given the finances to pay bills and support myself. I still drive my Fredster, but I hope to upgrade to something more reliable by the end of the year, but probably it'll be next year when I get that upgrade.

I have been watching a lot of Netflix and I watched the entire Series of Dexter, which was my obsession for a long while, and it was a fabulous show! Season four is my favorite season, but the series finale was fabulous too! It wasn't as good as Breaking Bad's series finale but better then Angel's series finale so it's not at the bottom of the list. I love finding entire shows on Netflix and throwing myself into the world of that show!

Well, I know you guys see me leaving the juicy personal stuff till the end, but the best part is sometimes the last couple of paragraphs, hehe. Patience is a virtue.

Let's start with what I talk about last time: Auds.

Well we talked a few days later and she wanted to know why it "ate at me so much". I was simply honest with her. I told her that a mistake I made a year ago was affecting me today and she matters to me. I was a foolish boy back then who was blinded by so many things, which were all false perceptions of the truth. It still lingers to destroy me and I don't want to give it the power to do such things. Auds said that she wont feel guilty for me for my past actions, I still made those choices. She also said that I was foolish for trusting her and to stop calling her Auds.

Sidenote: She always let me call her Auds in the past year we've been friends. I don't know why it was now an issue. I also don't know, to the full extent, what Jessica told her.

I said I'd stop and asked if this means we're done. I said that she's right, I made those choices and would never ask her to feel guilty for me. However, we've been friends for over a year and that counts to me. I can respect whatever she wants, but we all make mistakes. I told her that there's a song by TobyMac called Forgiveness. It helps me remmeber that I can grow from yesterday and not be who I was. I can live in the past and hate myself, but I've forgiven myself and when the past creeps in to attack me, I'll be strong and trust that everything will work out for the best. I went on to say that she earned my trust by being Sam's friend (Bethanys BFF at the time of our fallout). In the end, I told her it's give and take. If both parties aren't in unison, it won't work. Lastly, I said that I'd give her honesty if she did the same.

She didn't reply until I asked 3 hours later, she replied, "Yes." and I asked if she had a response. She said, "No not right now" and I told her that I'd give her space and time and to text me when she's ready. This was all around the 23rd of February, but I kept the texts to remind myself that I am strong. I trust easily and I let people in when they show that they care. We met due to my asking her out. She declined, but we stayed friends. I never knew about her friendship with Jessica, but I guess I can't find friends who don't know her, even in my own city and those surrounding it...

On the topic of Jessica, I seem to keep her in my life, Bethany too. Jessica more though. Jessica is my sisters best friend and while I honestly don't mind that, it's just odd that she's still unable to mend our friendship, but I don't blame her and I'm not saying that she needs to "hurry up" or anything, just makes me wonder. Bethany isn't really in my life at all, but she invades the church I want to go to. Michael's church. I want God back in my life, but I want to go to Michael's church. He's the only man I know isn't "fake" or "hiding behind something". I make excuses on Sunday, I don't go to church. I feel like a failure, even though I listen to christian music all day. That isn't enough though, I need more, I feel like I'm not getting enough of God. I know I need more, I know I'm not satisfied. Who wants McDonalds when you can go to 54th street for a real burger?

Well I guess I'm stuck, right? No, I'll get up and take myself to church one day. I just hope I do it before it's to late. The next post is going to be strictly for Michael and party Lloyd (my ex-accountability partner). I have some unresolved feelings I want to get out. That'll be next time, maybe tomorrow. 

Appreciate anyone who keeps tuning in for new posts. I can now post regularly. This went flawlessly. Till next time guys.