Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Overcomplicated Explanation Of My Life This Month

Hopefully nobody thought I had died in this past month of not posting, not having a laptop anymore, along with working, college, and my better social life, I haven't been able to swing my the library to post for you guys. In all honesty, I'm blowing off my college math test to post this for you, otherwise WHO KNOWS when I'd post again (plus I was bombing that anyway, why even go?).

To give you a proper update, let's just go in a specific sorting order.


Sierra and I have really been hitting it off lately. I think the smartest decision I made was NOT DATING HER. You see, when I formed my silly little crush on her back in May of 2013, which seems far away, 4 months in reality, but is only like a few days ago in my mind. Sierra's ex K had just broken up with her in early May (or late April, I'm not entirely sure at this point) and she was distraught. Yet again, the man she loved was ending it between them for a 2nd time (He had ended it/started it last time too).

You can only imagine that as I was slowly getting closer to Sierra as a friend, this time when K broke up with her, I got to hear about it. Now as she explained to me all the reasons he broke up with her (at that time), were all the reasons why I loved being her friend. Of course I consoled her and told her it'd be alright, typical friend advice n such. What I believe happened was, in my mind, I formed feelings I didn't really have for Sierra, in a way that would hopefully make her feel better.

See what I'm saying? I don't really have feelings for Sierra past friendship, but my unconscious mind formed these feelings in a way that said, "She's your friend, this will make her feel better". In reality, seeing this now, our minds don't fully grasp things. No person should ever deal with a break up by going into a NEW relationship RIGHT AWAY. I feel as though that's what...some people did (Another story for another day).

Anyway, Sierra and I, in this past month, have become really close. I can safely say that Sierra is my number one best friend. I trust her more than any other soul (well...Yes, but I know I can always be open to Michael about my religious concerns/troubles too) on this planet. You might be asking about Nathan, yes? Maybe I never went into my friendship with him...I'll come back to this, promise.

I never have to worry about hiding something, cutting corners, or hiding information from Sierra. She is the ONLY person in my life I can be entirely open with. Losing Sierra is like losing a part of who I am. I need her. The memories we have as friends, the fun we have, and the goofy little jokes I'll make that make her say, "Oh Jeez" or "Yeah, that's Zach" bring me encouragement each day to go on. The relationship we have as friends should be the kind everyone should have with someone in there life, if only one, because it's like having a safe house where you can be yourself and never worry about judgement.

So long as I can help it, Sierra's a lifelong friend, and I'm damn proud to call her my best friend.


You may wonder why I combined these two, but it's mostly because they're dating and I rarely see them apart when we hang out. It'd be the three of us doing something like playing video games, eating out, or if we're not as broke, seeing a movie or bowling.

Let's start with Nathan. I didn't want to leave you with that question, "What's Zach talking about?" from that previous paragraph in Sierra's section, so I thought I'd answer it next. Nathan and I have been friends for a little over 2 years. I met him shortly after I graduated high school through my friend Carolyn, because they'd started dating and I became better friends with Carolyn towards the end of the school year. As we graduated, Nathan and I, though very different people (You have NO IDEA), started seeing common ground, in which we really started our friendship.

Through these past two years, the first year was great, I don't even remember any problems going on, but that's probably because I was in church and a happy little camper dating Jessica still. In the second year of our friendship, though religion doesn't matter to Nathan, I walked away from God and really put more of myself into my friendships then I should have.

Nathan and I have gotten more in common lately and I swear more openly around Nathan (and Carolyn), because I know it's alright. I have a different set of behaviors around Nathan and Carolyn than I do around Sierra. Though I know I can swear around Sierra, I only use it occasionally. Don't ask me why, I failed Psychology last semester.

Anyway, bringing it back on topic....Ever since...Fine, I'll say it. Ever since Bethany played her scandalous revenge on Jessica, I've never been the same (I think I've explained this to you guys). What she did, out of pure revenge on Jessica, to me, was wrong and the furthest thing from Christian. FINE, I'll give you guys a section for this later, but I want to focus on Nathan and Carolyn right now.

Again, ANYWAY, Ever since Bethany broke up with me (does it count if she never "dated" me), I've been a different person and I think Nathan see's that. Sure, we're still friends and I hope we stay friends, I just spent all my time with Nathan and Carolyn instead of going to church or praying or the things I did before. I was alone and I didn't want to FEEL alone, so I surrounded myself with the people I most cared about at the time. Or tried to anyway.

As for now, today, September 10th, 2013, I think Nathan and I are on good terms. He's still my best friend and I care about him. I think a part of me will always care about him, no matter what happens between us in life. He was the first real bro I had since George and Kyle, so it felt good having someone to talk to when I stopped using God as a port.

As for Carolyn, she's my spunky fun friend and I'm glad, out of all my high school friends, she was one that stuck around. I miss a few other friends, but at least Carolyn stuck around. I've known Carolyn off and on for pretty much all of high school and even some junior high. It's been great knowing I can be someone's friend for longer than 2 years, because I was starting to think my life was cursed and when I hit the "2 year friendship" mark...BOOM! Death gets an open shot to end things.

No, Carolyn and I have lost contact, but never stopped being friends in my mind.


Why in God's holy name would you people want me to KEEP BRINGING UP THE PAST?!! It's like you don't want me to move on. Let me tell you guys something, this is the last Bethany post, so long as she doesn't see me in person and harass me, but my sister is friends with Jessica at college, so I don't know how frequently I'll post about her, but it won't be an every post kind of thing. So don't expect it.

To give you more insight on my theory of what happened (I just went through some old posts and apparently, I HAVEN'T SHARED MY THEORY). Hold onto your butts, because I had to REALLY proccess this before I believed it, and even this is seemed a little...Far-fetched for Bethany. Who really knows us, but God though, right?

My Theory: Bethany wasn't a big fan of Jessica in high school. They were in Writing Club (or whatever it's called) together at Winnetonka and Jessica was, of course, better than Bethany at writing (She's published a book already and finished writing two more as far as I know). Well Bethany had her own personal issues with Jessica even outside of school. What they are, I never found out, just knew she did. When I started dating Jessica, Bethany and I weren't close, as friends, but she was the reason I went back to church, so we kept in frequent touch as casual friends. 

I don't know when, but somewhere in that last half of my dating Jessica, Bethany, who always disliked Jessica, starting figuring out a way to get revenge for high school. What it was that happened, again, I don't know. Well I don't think Bethany originally intended to hurt me in the process, but when she saw no other alternative, there had to be casualties (This is getting sick, but stay with me, the whole damn thing was sick and twisted in the end).

When Bethany saw Jessica and I having our first genuine fight, she was lucky enough to be hanging out with me. Jessica was upset that I spent so much time with Bethany, we were inseparable best friends at the time, and I was trying to reassure her that it was only because we were friends. Nothing was going on. Well when I told Bethany, it upset her that Jessica would even accuse her of such actions...She was a Christian woman and raised better than that.

That night, she left at 11pm all upset in the middle of our movie, and I was on the verge of tears. Bethany, 20 minutes later, called me and apologized, came back to my house, and we fixed things. We finished our movie, but Jessica laid on my shoulder and we finished our movie before going to bed. THAT NIGHT CHANGED EVERYTHING. 

Side note: I don't know why it always happens during break ups, which this wasn't (yet), but people feel things they shouldn't feel and mess things up. In this case, I'm not sure what I believe.

Well everything was cleared up and eventually it came time for our summer camping trip. I've been there, relived those moments to many times in my head, won't go back (If you want a recap, read the post here). Through that camping trip, everything in my life went to pieces. I lost Jessica, Got Bethany, Lost Bethany, Lost God, and ended up alone outside an abandoned house I once knew as my own.

If Bethany really loved me, she never portrayed it. The way she gave it to me, she told me I was a 'pawn' used for a 'much larger purpose'. OKAY??? That's not how the typical woman gets revenge. If it is, I need to just stop dating woman.

AND THAT is my theory as to what happened. Jessica can think what she wants, but in reality...She was wrong about me not loving her.

As for actually Jessica, the current, today...She's turned into a rude, mean little wicked bitch of the midwest. God, I can't believe how she went from a loving individual to a hurtful bitch. It's sad, really. She moved on, and for the worst, if I do say so myself.

That's all you guys get about THAT though, so...MOVING ON.


So ever since my date with Ashley, we've sorta stayed in touch. Ashley seems to always be busy and never gets to talk so I've basically stopped trying to text her, but I text Mikaela every day. Mikaela and I have gotten to know each other a lot better, and while we have yet to meet, we will eventually and I'm hoping it's before the roads get to snowy.

I think Mikaela has been through a lot, personally, with dating and such. So when I told her I had feelings, I'm glad she took that and didn't stop talking to me. I'm honestly a great guy, but saying you have feelings for someone, great guy or not, so soon in a friendship, she had every right to stop talking to me. I'm just glad she didn't.

With how close I like to think we've gotten as friends, I have a pretty decent understanding in what she wants from a guy, through little hints and what-not. Mikaela wants a strong Christian man who will never deny Christ as their personal savior and who will treat their woman with love and kindness, be spontaneous, and occasionally remind in a creative way that their love is still as strong as day one.

I can pretty much do all of that except the 'Strong Christian Man' part. I'm trying to go back to church, but when I wake up Sunday morning, I get knots in my stomach and can't bring myself to drive to church. Nobody dies at church so I don't know why I won't go, but out of fear. Yet I have nothing to fear...So why, really WHY?

I'll figure THAT one out eventually.

As for our friendship, things are looking good, great actually. I'm happy and I'm hoping she is too.

Post Content

I'm hoping this was a good enough update for you, lord knows it was long enough. I will post again when I can, but figure this can hopefully hold you over long enough until that time comes. Again, with no laptop, don't expect a post again this week, but maybe before the end of the month, I'll be able to post.