Saturday, July 27, 2013

Happy Birthday, have some fresh pain!

Alright, this not having a computer business is really starting to get on my nerves guys. It seems like when I want to post a blog, it's really late past 11pm or its really early around 1am and everyone at my house is sleeping and every library in the U.S.A is closed for the night. It's quite unfortunate.

Last Friday, July 19th, I had a little get together for my birthday. Just hanging out, watch a movie, play some games, and chill. It was fun. I got to meet Sierra's boyfriend, let's call him R, for the first time. The interesting thing about R was that within the first 10 minutes, he wanted to talk privately and we got our feelings out of the way and he wanted me to look after Sierra and make sure they stay happy and together. We talked about more than that, but it was between us, so I share. In short, it was a great time to hang out with friends.

Well my birthday came up previously on the 20th of July and I never got around to posting about it, not that anything really exciting happened. Like last year, everyone worked, but my dad took me to Longhorn Steakhouse and I got a really good steak with, literally, the CREAMIEST mashed potatoes I've ever had in my life. It was really amazing and I'm glad my dad took the time out of his day to take me to lunch (my sister came too).

My  waitress at Longhorn was my friend was last Fall, Kelsey, who was in my Math 20 class. She was really nice to me and we compared homework before class, because we were always there early. It was nice to see her again, but I found out she had transferred to a different college, due to her major and what she was getting her degree in. To end the night last Sat (wow, a week ago today), I worked the closing shift (5-10:30) at my new job. It was really fun and I'm glad I found a job that's sticking.

Sidenote: Just yestderday (Friday, July 26th) as I was driving to LT to work the opening shift at our WOF store, I got a call from WalMart wanting me to go in for an interview. I had to turn them down, because I already had a 2nd job, but I was really happy that I got considered for a job there. My dad said I should have gone to the interview, but I'm not greedy and I won't ask for more than I can handle. My new job told me if I got busy with my LT job, they'd fire me. I don't want that to happen, because of my new job.

Anyway, I am glad that things got better with my financial situation. As for my personal life, yes, we have finally gotten to that part of the post. Excited? I'm not. Sharing my life with you people seems to only give tabs on what I'm up to, you creepy stalkers are sick. It's a shame I love ya enough to keep posting, haha.

Well Ashley and I have fallen out of contact again, not much going on between us. I can't say for sure, but I feel like she doesn't much of like me anymore, which is sad since I'm a swell guy! Her friend Mikaela and I are getting along great though! Mikaela is really sweet to me and I appreciate that.

As for Nathan and Carolyn, I don't really know right now. If you'd have asked me and I  would have posted 24 hours ago, I'd say things were going great! Last night...They were being stupid. I won't elaborate, because they  might read this (probably a 99.999% chance they won't) and I don't want to get in trouble for putting my opinions out here. In short, friends forgive each other and I did just that. I'm not going to bother making a mess of myself , because of a few bad things happening.

Lastly, but certainly not least, we have Sierra. A lot has happened since my last post. Literally...A LOT. Sierra and I are complete best friends and she's the closest I've been to anyone in this past year. She matters a lot to me and as her best friend, it's my mission to make her happy, keep her that way, and fix anything preventing that. That includes seeing upcoming obstacles...Which I've been seeing. THIS...is where I'll put my opinions out there.

Update: Just as a quick update, Sierra broke up with her boyfriend a little over a week ago, after my little get together last Friday. The reason is because her ex-boyfriend, lets call him K, saw a photo she posted on Facebook Sat morning and FLIPPED OUT. He started telling her he's always loved her and has been waiting for her and doesn't want her to date someone else when he loves her so much, because it hurts.

Keep in mind, HE broke up with Sierra and BROKE HER HEART for the SECOND TIME 6 months ago. SIX DAMN MONTHS OF NOT TRYING TO GET HER BACK??? Not to mention he had a girlfriend in that 6 months he dated and said he loved. I don't buy it. Something fishy is going on here...

Well Sierra said she has always had a place for K in her heart and  said she'll always love that man 100% no matter what. Gee, if it doesn't work, how will that make any other man feel? I'm not the jealous type, but that's sure make me jealous...And like she wasn't fully committed to the relationship. Ehhh...Let's hope that doesn't happen.

So there is your update guys. That's what happened to Sierra this week and what I've been trying to figure out is what's going on in her head during all this. I may trust her more than anything when she tells me things, but I don't know if she trusts me completely, just yet...

So her now CURRENT ex keeps wanting me to talk to her and convince her to date him again, since we got along so well at my get together that past Friday, but he doesn't realize that as her friend, we all just need to be supportive and if she want's to learn things the hard way, she'll have to. Not that she will, but if it comes to that, support is what she needs.

Sidenote: Does nobody remember that I am in love with Sierra? L.O.V.E...Remember?? I hate that everything is happening to Sierra and I can't do anything about it except give her advice. R wants me to get them back together, Sierra wants me to be supportive while she waits for K to finally date her (He said he needs to "change" and "be a better man" for her. HE IS GOOD.), and all I want to do is punch K and tell him he is a horrible man. Sierra is a good woman, she deserves a good man, but after all he's done to her the mind, he has to add the mind games now?

I haven't even met K, and I plan to (Sierra agreed I would eventually), but everything he's doing...What is his game? Sierra is going to get hurt, that's all I see...I want to be wrong, I want her to be happy and in love and not have to worry about being alone, but I'm scared guys. I'm worried myself to tears a couple of times this past few weeks and it hurts. It hurts to know that you're doing everything you can to help someone, but you never know if it's enough or if you can protect them from the pain they could encounter.

K gets one chance with me. If they date for the 3rd time now, I will give K one chance. Hopefully we get along and I can be honest with him, but Sierra just wants peace. I'll do my best, for her...

IN OTHER NEWS, I don't work at my new job this week, because I didn't get my schedule for LT in time to tell my new Manager. Oh well, I'll still get my hours at LT. That's good.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Stressed and Depressed

A lot has happened since my last post, but I couldn't post, because my laptop fan won't keep my computer cool so I can't use it. I'm off work early tonight and my sister let me borrow hers. She doesn't even begin to realize how greatly this helps me...

Sierra...She was it. I felt that spark again, that something pure that twinkles in your heart and makes you feel all warm and smile for no reason. I wanted her to be mine, and had the tools. Only problem? I'm not her type. It's confirmed at this point. I'm a larger man who isn't a country boy. Her new boyfriend is her type. He's a lucky man too. I've said that though. More news too, about Sierra.

It turns out she's been using the L word these past few days. Y'know...Love. At first, I laughed really hard and had to tease her about it (because I don't believe you can love someone that soon), but then I really got to thinking about it. Sierra has known this man for 3 years and now is finally dating him. It might actually be love...I don't rule it out. I'm scared guys...

Not for Sierra, but for the situation I'm in. She was finally able to move on, past her ex and find someone else. She had options though, many others, not just me. She didn't really have to look so hard. Just kinda picked one. One that fit her type. I'm not even upset about it.

All I was upset about was Alexis lying to me about Sierra's actual feelings. I had to assume Sierra flirting back meant reciprocated feelings...Instead it was all in my head, that was just how our relationship was. It's how we communicated...And only at work. I still try to make plans with Sierra outside of work, but she has no time for me outside of work. I don't hold that against her though, I'm not her whole world, just the work part. She's that one person in my life I could never stay mad at...After all, I love her. I mean that as her friend now, I love her so much and would do anything for her.

She can crash my party anytime.

She'd get that reference, that's how I know too. I know not everything in life revolves around woman and dating and love and happiness, the sharing of memories, and good feelings. I'm very aware of that, but don't you wish it was? Some days, I just want to climb into my care and drive until I run out of gas. Make some new friends where I end up and never go home. I can't do that though.

Last night, I was working with Sierra and I was pretty tired, out of it, she thought it was pretty funny. I remember saying something about "peace, love, and pain" as we were walking to our car, I didn't remember why until the next day and thought about it. When we're born, it's nothing but peace. It's all we know and the world is a mystery. Then we find love and experience it with someone new and enjoy it and have all the warm feelings we never knew we had until that moment...Until the pain sets in. The love ends, fades, falls apart like the decaying ruins of an old Mayan cave. We live in the pain, try to sift through the salvage of memories and eventually find peace again. Then that cycle repeats. Forever.

I thought about it really hard and in my deepest thoughts, wondered how I'd thought of this when I was half asleep last night. Who knows. it was just really made me think is all.

Well I hate to skip ahead to the current, but lack of computer means I have to skim a bit. As to what's going on right now with Sierra and myself. I don't know anymore. She's my best friend, I love her to death. I'd die for that woman, but as far as getting something back...Some days differ to others.

That's human nature though, we use each other. I can't hold that against her. She's beautiful. I can't ever stay mad. that last paragraph and this one had a few hours pause because I was on FB and had some phone calls so this paragraph was intended to be A LOT different. It's fine now though.

God. The big man himself. He should do something, right? NOPE. I have to want him to. Ehh, I'll try. I promised myself and God both that I'd try to find a church if I got a full time job. I got one. OH YEAH! I never told you guys, but I found a full time job, sure did! I'm now a full time worker at a local store in city, I'll start in August. Or late July, depends. Either way, I'll be to busy to have a social life anyway.

I have been trying to find other things to talk about happening in my life other then people and problems and my personal life falling to crap, but I can't really do that without boring you guys. You want the deets, I know that. I just give it to you strait.

In that phone call I had tonight, with Alexis, it really helped me out. She listened to me and I cried and told her how I felt and really let things out, and it felt good...I finally had someone who could listen to me and hear me cry and not push away. It was nice.

The funny thing is Lloyd also called me and he immediately thought that I had a Bethany problem. God, I laughed so hard, which I needed honestly. He was relieved that it wasn't that kind of problem, but seriously, he thought I still talked to her and possibly hung out and such? Bwahahaha, that made my night right there. I'm looking to fix things with Jessica, I could care less about Bethany. I'll never go back to her as even a mild friend. NO THANKS.

OH! I tried texting Tracy today too. I only lost her as a friend, because she didn't know the whole story between Jessica and myself and she's a good, loyal friend. I'll give her that. If I had a friend who would stick with me no matter what, through anything in life, I'd feel honored. Jessica is a lucky woman, with a bright future too! Just read her new blog site, she has been so strong these past months, taking all the problems in her life, throwing em' on the grown and conquering the task ahead with the attitude of a champion!

That's the Jessica I knew, she's been nothing short of frosty these past months and I couldn't be more proud of her! It shows me that God is ultimately the one in charge, because not everyone stays on the ground, hurting. She found Sam, she found a way to smile again. That's what I love about life.You find a way. Well, she does. That's how she rolls.

My life is a glob of this and that these days, not sure how to go about living in that little glob I call my life, but it's not a bad thing all the time. The voices in my head aren't too annoying. It's just those nights I'm up till 2am thinking to much, like tonight, haha.

I'll try to borrow my sisters computer again in a few days. I have some days off for a change this week. As for now, I'm gonna listen to some Spotify music! Do you guys want a song? It's been awhile. Hmmm, lets see if I can find something fitting to the post...PERFECT!