Friday, June 28, 2013

Sierra...Why?

I think Sierra knew what I'd think and I also think she wanted to be happy, but I don't know if it was pressure or choice, it still happened. Afterall, it's a big decision, giving someone that kind of chance...I'll spill the beans. Sierra is no longer single, but she didn't choose me...

I know what you're all thinking. Either "I hope you're okay, I'm sorry" or "I am enjoying these plot twists and your suffering". If you are thinking the latter, you a sadistic and cruel person and you need help. As for those who genuinely care, there's nothing I can do. I've helped her through her last break up and if I have to do it again, assuming it doesn't work, I will. I hope it works out for her though.

Why?

Sierra is my best friend and over everything else, I just want her to be happy for once. So many bad things have been going on in her life, that I feel she needs something to hold onto and remind her that there is still love in this world. Though she didn't reach out for me in the end, I still wish her the best.

When you've been around for almost 20 years, you learn a few things about love. Either through self taught pain or through someone you know. It's better ingrained when you learn it yourself and I have. I know love isn't easy and everyone just wants to find someone to complete them, but there are also some people who need to STAY single and just enjoy the ride while they can.

Trust me, being single was easy until today. When you have so much hope for someone, you can't imagine them choosing someone over you...Until it happens and your world collapses. I guess I have some explaining to do.

Anyone remember my friend Alexis from high school? She was in my Tech Theatre class when I had that crush on Tiffany. Anyway, Alexis and Sierra are best friends again (JOY...ish) and Alexis has been telling me for the past 5-6 weeks that Sierra is gonna date me, but I gotta keep flirting and working on our relationship. SO I HAVE BEEN FLIRTING AND WORKING ON IT.

Then today Sierra lays the BOMB on me that she's dating some dude named Ryan. All this work for what, nothing? No, she's still my best friend so of course not. We have some good memories...When Alexis isn't at my job during Sierra's shifts stealing all the attention with her new boyfriend Timothy. Sierra told me that Alexis and Timothy have been pushing her to date Ryan for awhile now because it'd be great. Then today Alexis goes and texts Ryan saying he needs to ask out Sierra. He does and she said yes...Under pressure no doubt. Or not...I can hope.

I used to like Alexis until now. She lied to me, betrayed me, gave me bogus advice, and pretended to be my friend like a two-faced....Well, she wasn't my friend, it turns out.

Have you ever known someone that makes you feel more like entertainment then a friend? Like you try to be there friend, but you don't get that same vibe back from em' that you matter enough? I don't know about Alexis, but I get that vibe from her...I just ignored it though, because I knew she was Sierra's best friend. Now I'm walking away. I can't deal with Alexis anymore if this is how I'll be treated.

I am still in love with Sierra too, that's the worst part. I know that I didn't want to fall in love, but I did. My heart wanted Sierra and so I pursued her. Things went great, because at first, Alexis and Sierra weren't friends anymore...But when they became friends again...Everything in Sierra's world was about Alexis. Everything revolved around her...I was no longer her best friend at work, because Alexis was there at work talking to her for the ENTIRE shift and afterwards and I was just the guy who had to smile and play along.

I won't do that anymore.

Oh Sierra...I don't even know what I'd do if I won. I'd have my happy dance for sure, but now I have to wait MONTHS down the line for this thing she has with Ryan now to end. IF IT DOES!! Who even knows if he's not the one for her? I DON'T KNOW! That's what scares me...I could be a 95% success, but he could be a 89% which is still really good...She'll never know now if it works with me or if she, God forbid, actually falls in love with him...

I hate saying this, but I got hints from Sierra, nothing solid, but I can only assume...Sierra doesn't like...That I'm a plus size man. I know it sounds ridiculous and I know Sierra enough to say she doesn't judge like that, but...dating...her history is consistent...Skinny country guys, some with facial hair. I'm a plus size man with no facial hair (against my will) and I only got into country when she listened to it a lot...It kills me to think that, but what can I do? Wake up tomorrow and take away my stomach? I WISH...!!! No, I just have to suffer, it seems.

I really hate saying that too, but I think it's true...I KNOW HOW IT SOUNDS...

Just stop.

I'm not saying that I like it anymore than you do. It sounds awful and I know better, but you can't help but wonder...If I had been 60 pounds lighter and didn't have so much fat on my body...Would Ryan still look better than I do? It's painful to see all these men having nothing but lust for my best friend and I sit here feeling genuine love, the kind that lasts forever.

I was moments away from crying at one point, because all this hard work and now I'll feel horrible if I flirt with her, because she's in a relationship...I JUST WANT MY DAMN BEST FRIEND BACK!!!

I don't want to be in love, I don't want to feel so horrible, and I sure as hell don't want to lose her in the end!!! I have to keep a cool head though and be supportive and it's so painful to even smile when she talked to Ryan on the phone tonight. She friggin called him in front of me. She could have waited 5 minutes, but instead she chose to, unwanting I'm sure, torture me more. My heart had already deflated, she was just grabbing a stick to poke the pieces at that point...

In defense, I make jokes, I find a way to smile and pull attention away from me, and it worked. I weaseled my way out of it and went to my car to head home. I can't do this. I almost killed myself trying to get over Bethany, literally ALMOST physically killed myself.

If my heart does this to me again, Satan's gonna grab hold and take me down. I won't be able to stop it either. I've just gotten out of depression so bad I didn't want to leave my house or find a reason to keep living, yet now I am at the doorstep of death, wandering if I can peak in the window without going in...

I'm sure I'll be fine when I wake up. You know me, fake smiles and pushing away the pain, that's my thing...

In other news, Ashley has been talking to me again, who knows, maybe she was busy, but we've been getting along great the past two days. She isn't as busy anymore. I'm thankful, I enjoyed talking to her. She also has a nice friend Mikaela who talks to me. She's super awesome and great to chat with also! Ashley and Mikaela are super attractive too, I like that.

To bad they live in Kansas.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Ashley who?

Hot dang, I haven't posted in awhile. Sorry for that, I've been working and playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 and generally not paying much attention to my blog. I'll try to be better (or not) about that. Anyway, I have some more news and updates for you. Good stuff too, if you like the rejection kind.

So after my date with Ashley, I felt good and confident about how things went. We'd been texting for weeks and we really liked each other and though I had, and still have, feelings for Sierra, I went on this date since Sierra said she'd like to stay single right now. Well the night after my date with Ashley, she stopped texting me as much and got really "busy" and then told me she thinks we should just be friends.

Uh huh...Go on Zach....

Then the following days, I got one word replies IF I text her first, otherwise nothing from her in a day when I normally got my phone blown up with messages. She ended up telling me she'd be "busy" for the next few weeks and all kinds of other things I didn't really believe.

MY FEELINGS AREN'T GLASS WOMAN, JUST TELL ME IT DOESN'T WORK!!

Anyway, I stopped texting her, because I don't need fake friends who are to afraid to be honest. If she doesn't like me, FINE, I AM NOT GOING TO CRY. I already told her up front I liked Sierra too, honestly more than her. I've been trying like hell to get Sierra to date me, but more and more stubborn she is. Nahhh, I like a good chase. I'm Sierra's best friend and that's always gonna remain true. I don't mind building our friendship even more this summer, just gives it a better foundation on which we can share together if she does decide to date me.

The only problem...She is still in love with her ex.

I realize a lot of woman get hung up on there ex when the guy does the leaving, but at the same time, he is missing out on something beautiful and rare. HIS LOSS. A good guy will snatch that up before he can come back to ruin things again. Only Sierra is waiting for him to come back....I just know it. I can't confirm that, but seriously, he had such a huge impact on her life and they have all these cute text photos on Facebook and I know she loved him more than other boyfriends she had...I just have to wait for her to wake up on day and realize he's not worth waiting for.

Another reason is probably her living situation. It's not the best and honestly, it's not mine to discuss so I'll keep it between us, but I'm trying to be here for her as best I can. She needs a friend who won't judge, but a friend who will always be there to help her through everything. I'm trying to be that man.

Love is a complicated thing. I've been single over a year now and though my break-up with Bethany (a lot of woman in this post today, huh? hahaha...) didn't go so well, considering how Bethany chose to leave me, I hope she and her new boyfriend Jonathon (Hope I spelled that right) have something nice together. As long as she's happy, that's what matters. I wish the same for Jessica and her new boyfriend Sam too (I had to mention that last woman, couldn't resist). I just hope Bethany takes Mon/Wed/Fri classes at Maple. I don't want to see her.

As part of letting her go, I've grown to not take her bullshit anymore. She even tries talking to me, I'll snap at her and make sure it's the last time we communicate. I know she tries to take advantage of the moments she see's me, trying to prove she has power of me every time, but I'd like to see her try now and today. That would really get me going and I'd let OFF some steam. To much Bethany in this post, MOVING ON.

I love Sierra, I can finally use the L word and know I'm not just saying it. I want to be there for her and prove to her that we can work. It's probably going to take the rest of the summer though, which is fine. After her birthday yesterday, where she finally turned 18 years old, I am hoping she can see through my gifts and know that there is a man in love with her. A man who will wait as long as she needs him to. Our friendship is more than just feelings, we are best friends and we love to hang out and be ourselves.

I think I'm finally getting to the point where she can tell me anything and know I won't judge her. It's always been that way, but she has some walls up from her ex. Who doesn't? I have my own walls and there are things, even though I love her, that I don't share. She knows about my past though and she still accepts me. That means a lot.

Anway, other than all the girl talk, I've been getting some good hours at work. I'm still on the search for a second job, but after I post this, I'm on my way to get an application where a friend of mine works. He said he'd put in a good word for me and his word is good. Seriously, he makes good money...

He said he wants a second job because he has expensive tastes. I DON'T!! I have very affordable tastes, haha...This is how I know I'll love my job if I can get hired where he's at. I can start saving for a new car, college in the fall/spring, E-fund as a back-up, and when all thats done, I can stop in at Gamestop and eventually pre-order a Playstation 4 and Call of Duty: Ghosts! I SUPER WANT THAT GAME!!

I'm most excited for Disney Infinity though!! It looks AMAZING!! I'm getting that for my Wii U because it's Disney and the DLC's for Disney are usually good with being on Nintendo Consoles. Seriously, If Nintendo screws me over on DLC content AGAIN, I will NOT be a happy camper. Sony and Microsoft are always giving out DLC's, but Nintendo drops the ball for a lot of games. The only game I've gotten great DLC's were with Fire Emblem: Awakening. That's my favorite 3DS game too, so it made it a SUPER bonus for me!

Anyway, I'll stop there and let you guys know how the job search goes, along with more on Sierra. Just keep in mind I'm not going to be all excessive as I have been before. My blog has a lot of content it shouldn't already in prior posts. Some things need to stay in my head and I'm realizing that now, more than ever.

Sidenote: I fixed the tags on my blog so they're only names of people. You want to keep in on the deets with certain people in my life? You now have an easy access to the posts without trolling through my posts. ENJOY THAT LUXURY!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

New Smash Bros. E3 Trailers!

I'm a huge Smash Bros. fan and this new announcement was amazing!!




You're Welcome friends.

My first date in over a year...

Remember how I tried telling you guys about my crush on girls and they ended up not liking that? Remember how I said I'd learned my lesson and wouldn't do it again? Lets forget that logic, because I'm about to do that same thing again. It all started on Skout.

So I downloaded an app. called Skout months ago that let me talk to singles in my area, really dumb and ended up being incredibly stupid. All anyone wanted to do was talk dirty or bore me with pointless conversations I never cared about. I stopped using it until about the last week of May.

Ashley, a beautiful woman living in KS used "Shake to Chat", which randomly selects a user on the app. That "Shake to Chat" matched her randomly with me. I replied expecting it to be the same as any other user, but she ended up being really nice and the more we began to talk, the more I found out about her.

First of all, for this app, it was VERY impressive that she had a Christian background. It was also nice that she was around my age, I believe it was 20 years old, but I'm not sure. Anywho, we got along really well and transitioned to texting by the end of the week. By the time I was in Branson, we were really impressed with each other and wanted to meet.

So I said when I got back from Branson we could. We had gotten to know each other so well, instead of making it two friends hanging out, we made it a date! I got back from Branson, and on June 11th, I drove over to KS and we had breakfast at Denny's, followed by a walk in the park. It was super fun and she was WAY MORE BEAUTIFUL in person then any picture ever depicted (and they did a GOOD job too)!!

Overall, it was a fantastic date and we decided to see how these next few days would go to decide if we can have a 2nd date anytime soon. I hope she wants a 2nd date too. I tried not to be nervous, but I couldn't help it...My brain became empty of all questions and I mumbled the dumbest things. I tried not to talk to myself, but I did that too. Gahhh....I am not good at dates. Finding love is hard. I have the pressure of doing Gods will and finding Gods match on top of trying to find someone who makes me happy. It's hard.

I don't know, I guess I'll know more in the following days. I snapchat her friend too and she seems to like me, but I haven't met Ashley's friends yet. I hear nothing but good things though! It's going to be really great to meet them and if I get brownie points in with her pals then I'm golden! I want to stay friends with Ashley until we become closer friends, but in the long wrong, I can see us together.

You see this random girl appear on my blog from thin air and wonder about Sierra, right? I knew it. Nothing gets past my readers (I would guess). Well Sierra keeps pushing me away saying she wants to be single until the end of the Summer. Shoot, with how good things are going with Ashley, she's going to lose the chance to date me. I learned my lesson in cheating with my crappy Bethany/Jessica situation. That screwed me over so bad. I will NOT repeat that again, do I look stupid?

I already told Sierra that I won't deny Ashley a chance if she won't take it and Sierra said to go for it. Sierra doesn't realize that we have a strong friendship and nothing says friendship then dancing like a complete idiot during work while you gather all the trash in the store, lip syncing your favorite song! I know Sierra has all these guys in her head, but I just don't want her to get involved with the wrong one. It wouldn't bother me so much if she wasn't turning 18 this June.

She's going to be legal and she has some guy friends who WILL push the boundaries...If she gets hurt, I'll have to hurt someone in return. I need to stop worrying, so says all my friends. Sierra is just going to miss out. I've been told to just try with Ashley, because she really does seem interested. I agree fully, which is why I went on this date. I'ts time I stop being so stuck on the past or attached to people I'm "familiar" with.

Ashley came out of nowhere and made me SO HAPPY and now I feel blessed to know her. This date was what I've needed. I won't be nervous next time either, we've finally met and she truly is the wonderful, sweet woman I've been texting the past few weeks. Her Christian background is the thing I've been freaking out about the most, IT'S SO AWESOME!! I've always had a secret list of what I want in my future wife and while I'm on a date, I would ask a few key questions. One of them was religion. It's a big topic and can make or break a lot of relationships.

For me, I'm open about my Christianity, but I feel ashamed that I walked away from God. I tell people that too, if they must know, I'm honest. The fact that Ashley is a Christian and accepted me made me feel great and that's really a true friend test. That and showing her my blog...2009 till current...I've made a lot of mistakes, but grown from them as well. The woman who can accept me for that is a keeper, haha.

Enough of my ramblings for now, I'll just say that today was a fantastic day and my date went SO WELL!!

Sidenote: Denny's has Apple Pie French Toast, SO FRIGGIN' GOOD!!!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Branson Vacation 2013

This is news guys, I WENT ON VACATION!!! All of my happiness has just been sitting on June and when I reached June 4th...SHWOOOM!! Happiness OUT THE BUTT!! Okay, let me calm down enough to compose a new paragraph with a much better explanation.

We arrived exactly a week ago today at our beautiful condo for the 6 days of relaxation. Beautiful back view off the patio, spacious kitchen, an 3 big rooms to relax in (all with there own bathrooms/showers)!! IT WAS THE MOST MAJESTIC WEEK OF MY LIFE!!! Leaving KC was SO NICE and PEACEFUL and TOOK THE STRESS AWAY!!









As much as I'd like to deny it, KC has more bad memories for me now than good ones. I have had some of the best days of my life in KC, but I've also made some pretty horrible mistakes that have gotten me the loss of friends. Though Bethany was her own situation. Gahh...Like "how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie pop center of a tootsie pop?"...Well, with Bethany and why she left and screwed me over, "The world may never know", hahaha...

Beyond that, We had one heck of a fantastic first day on the vacation, getting to take an amazing cruise on a sweeet cruise boat down the Branson River. IT WAS TWO HOURS OF PEACE AND SERENITY!! Not to mention DELICIOUS FOOD!! I've never eaten so well in my life, I felt like a friggin' KING!! All of my want is to go back and live on that boat...Branson really treated me well that first day...

So the rest of the trip isn't really worth mentioning because nothing topped the cruise, but we saw some other attractions and rode on a train!! IT WAS REALLY FUN!! When we got to go shopping on our 2nd to last day, I bought some really cool T-Shirts and Keychains...I also did some shopping for Sierra's birthday because it's coming up in 9 days...Speaking of, I should get her gifts all wrapped up on Thursday when I'm off work...I need to find a box.

Sidenote: I'd tell you guys what I bought her, but I won't risk her seeing it. She doesn't read my blog...None of my friends actually do (or my parents), but I still want it to be a 100% surprise. 

As far as my budget goes this month, I have to put a hold on things, I spent somewhere between $120 and $145 in Branson on stuff, including what I bought for Sierra's birthday. I only have around $300 left in the budget after my paycheck. Lucky for me I worked my butt off in May. I also had to cut out some of my gaming. Here's the pain I had to endure.

Turning this list of beautiful game titles on my 2013 wishlist....

Into this really tiny, condensed version...It makes me sad.


Can't you just tell I'm a more responsible man these days? Yeah, I don't buy it either. It was that or be broke. I can't afford to be broke, especially broke and only taking one college course. My dad would kill me. I have to take two this semester or he'll be really mad, he's already mad about that! I am hoping to get my FASFA funding back by next Fall but this upcoming Fall and Spring semesters...I'm on my own. If I can pass 4 classes and raise my GPA, I'll be back where they'll fund my classes. That will be just great!

To close, I want to let you guys know that my week in Branson has really opened my eyes. I had time to relax, step away from my troubles in KC, and breathe. I have been living my life idly, best as I can. I haven't really done anything productive with myself. I've been failing college courses, working the same dead end job, and holding onto the hope the long left yesterday. 

My trip in Branson gave me time to really evaluate my life and where it's going. I don't want to be that man stuck in the past, never letting go. I want to move forward with my life and really go somwhere. I know it's over said on here and hypocritical in addition, but I need to get back with God, hardcore. I was always SO SURE of myself when I was close to God. Feeling his presence and having fellowship and really seeking him out was great. I didn't even really try until the end. I'm sure there is still so much more to find out.

I blame the church, I hide behind my friends, and I let my fear of what God will think of me dictate my not going back to church. I need to stop, grow up, and move on. Everyone around me has moved on, left me in the dust, and kept on chuggin' down the road while I kicked the stop sign and tried waiting for a bus that'd never show up.

My next post, which I'm making separate and should appear shortly after this, should explain more. I just really go to realizing things in Branson and I want that independence and freedom. Games are for children, Life is for adults. Everyone has to close the toy chest of childhood eventually. I left mine open for way to long and wouldn't adapt to the world. It ended when I realized this in Branson.

I am a new man with new goals. I'll be damned if I'll let anyone stand in my way.