Sunday, May 26, 2013

"Friend Zone" or No Zone?

I would like to take a moment to point out that I have never been happier to be single in my life. Sure I told Sierra that I liked her, but she listened to me with an open heart and through that, we are still best friends. I told her last night that I don't want to be the guy she dates to get over her ex (who she's been away from for 5 months now), but I do want to date her in the long run.

I love how Sierra is virtually the only person I can be honest with and she takes things like a friend should. She doesn't over-react or throw her opinion in there immediately to feel like she's contributing. Sierra is a good listener and can take what I say with an open mind about it all. I love that about her! She is so amazing and sweet to me, even when I tease her at work.

The fact that we've been open about my feelings makes our friendship even better. It's like, by telling her I have been growing some feelings for her, she and I have just kind of used that to get even closer. I don't know 100% if this is true, but I'm about 99.834% sure that Sierra can be honest with me about anything or talk to me about anything, including problems.

The whole point of friendship is that you can trust someone enough to share problems, joys, successes, and sorrows with them, all in the hops to have someone there to support you or help if needed. I want to be all of those things for Sierra BEFORE I date her. I have seen myself change in the past year and this time being single has shown me some things.

Sure, I walked away from God as a result, but I still pray every night. I don't care if you judge me and say that God is the only way to find redemption. I gave it my best 110% go a year ago, but Bethany is just ONE example of how the church could treat me. God is everywhere, NOT JUST IN CHURCH, so let me live my life for God how I want. I listen to 91.9 Air One Radio all the time, but I also enjoy the country music Sierra has gotten me to love again.

I'm not a bad person, I'm a good person, and yes I'm still religious, but I've just stopped being so hardcore in church activity. I did tell Michael I'd try out this church his friend runs, but my work schedule has me always busy and I get home late on Saturdays so I can't get up for church on Sundays. Sure, those are excuses, but I'll go when I am ready. If you rush me, you're only going to confirm how I feel about the Church and all the posers in it.

Not everybody is a poser though, I know that by personal experience. Michael has treated me with more respect in our years friendship then I've gotten from personal friends in my life. I respect and love that man more than I have any other man in my life, but I can't say that for other members of the church. Bethany was my best friend, we hung out, talked about everything, watched movies, and had the best times. Then she decided to treat me like a piece of garbage. I was so confused, I blamed Church and all it's horrible influences that people use, saying "God said this..." or "God wants us to do that..."! ENOUGH! I am not going to be manipulated by the people in a church again, I've crossed out the option.

So get mad at me if you think I'm a horrible Christian, but wasn't it Jesus who said "Don't judge, lest you too want to be judged."? I choose not to judge people, but to love them. Sure, we all have opinions. Bethany and Jessica both think I'm a cheater. Bethany has no right because she deceived me into cheating on Jessica. I am forever ashamed of that and it WILL NOT happen again.

I sure hope Bethany has had time to reflect on her actions, because it will be forever with me. I also hope she's changed and is back to her old fun self again, because through my sources, I know she has a new boyfriend and I sure hope he's having better luck then I did.

Jessica and Bethany both found replacements for me pretty quickly, if you think about it. What's the rush though? Life is short, sure is, but I don't need to find my happiness in other people. I told Sierra I had feelings, but that's not going anywhere. At least, not right now.

I talked to Sierra last night at work and I think she likes another guy more than me. It sucks to hear that you tried, but someone else might win, but I'm her best friend, that's winning enough for me. I told Sierra last night that I care about HER more than the idea of us being together. If she thinks she'll be happier with this other guy (remaining nameless for now), I would encourage her to date him. I told her not to let the feelings of myself or any other guy that wants to date her stand in the way of her happiness. I will always be her best friend, no matter what, but she has to make the choices that make HER happy.

I know it's text book best friend, but it's true and stands. I only want her to be happy. I felt like Bruce on "Bruce Almighty" when I said that, when he prayed to God, because it was so textbook cheesy and best friend expected. Who cares, I meant it. I pray for a lot of people every night, some who probably don't expect or deserve the prayers, but I pray anyway. I believe the power of selfless prayer can go a lot further than the bitterness of a grudge against someone.

I've made mistakes that I must live with, some I may never be forgiven for, but I am on the path of change, and have been for awhile. Look at me, enjoying my life for a change. Nothing sad is in this post at all! Sure, I'm finding out that I may not get to date Sierra, but that's not sad at all. She's still my best friend, I still get to see that beautiful face most days in my week (thanks to my Manager always scheduling us together), so am I really losing? Not really. Even if she had a boyfriend, that wasn't me, I'd probably see her more in a week then he would. SCORE!

Not to mention it saves me a little extra cash for more games (I'm being optimistic, shut up, haha)! Anyway, I'll wrap up this video with an awesome video I like from BlimeyCow. Enjoy your week and I'll post again soon.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Some Stability, thank goodness!

So my sister finally graduated high school tonight and I was so happy to see her walk across the stage and get her diploma! I was so happy for her, truly happy. I mean, its not everyday that you make it through your 4 year journey through High School and she made it through without detention (as did I, but it's still an accomplishment)!

Oh man, this week has been great for me. Just to be fair in the timeline, I'll clarify from my last post so your not confused. Jessica and I had a HUGE conversation on May 11th (thank God I saved one of the message archives, I didn't know I hadn't posted in so long) and she decided it would be smart to have a GROUP conversation with me and include her NEW boyfriend, Sam.

I feel like that was entrapment, but I wanted to prove to her I had really changed and just wanted her friendship, so I agreed silently and didn't say anything when it became a group conversation. We had our words for over an hour and in that span of time, a lot was said. I pleaded my case as best I could, but she did a good job in bringing up the past.

Side note: The past can be solid evidence for why a person won't change, but when you use the same examples over and over, it's annoys me. Yes, I've made mistakes, STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE!

Anyway, I did my best guys, but damn...She has some problems with me I didn't even know about. I can't change what I've done in the past and I have made my share of mistakes, especially in my relationship with Jessica, but I was trying to reassure her that I had changed for the better this time (Yes, I know how "This time..." sounds), but she wasn't buying it.

I had to let her go, regretfully. Maybe there was a part of her that wanted me back as a friend, but I guess the stronger side said not to trust me, which I fully understand. As humans, we have safegaurds protecting us from the hurtful things in like, especially the hurtful PEOPLE in our lives. I was more hurtful towards the end of our friendship in her eyes, I guess. I don't blame her, I blame the situation and how things turned out. She got the short end of a bloody stick and people got hurt. I blame myself for that.

I only hope good things come out of her future and I hope when my sister goes up to Northwest in August, Jessica will be the kind person I know she is and take my sister under her wing. I'm not a horrible person, but I've made some horrible choices, I'm hoping she doesn't hold anything against my sister through this, because I want my sister to have some friends when she gets to college.

This past Saturday was FREAKING AWESOME though! I worked 9am till 2pm (left around 2:40 though) and got ready for Sierra's graduation party! If anyone doesn't know, Sierra is my best best BEST friend ever! I love her to death and would do anything for that woman. She told me that a lot of her family from Iowa would be at her party, but she didn't say that only a few of her friends would show up...for a few hours...or only pop in for a few minutes...THAT'S OKAY THOUGH! She's my best friend and I got tons of brownie points with her awesome family for making it through the day! WHOOT WHOOT!!

Side note: Sierra is my best friend, but a few months ago, we started getting closer and the more we hung out...The more I enjoyed Sierra's company...Eventualy, it turned into a crush I was embarrassed to admit to her. I didn't even tell my friends Nathan and Carolyn until April. Well, eventually, I told Sierra I liked her and she told me if she didn't want to be in a relationship if she had to go back to Iowa at the end of the summer (which may not happen, I'm working on it), because she's not good at long distance.

So it became out in the open that I liked her. You know what they say about strong friendships? BOOM! We had one so my confession about liking her didn't ruin anything! We're still best friends and I don't care either. I'd rather she know then for me to keep it inside and always wonder "What if...", because she took it so well!! IT WAS A WIN-WIN IN THE END!!

Well, back to Sierra's graduation party, I got there a little past 4pm (I didn't want to be the wierdo there right at four so I left my house at 4pm instead) and stayed until around 11:20pm. I outlasted all her friends combined! I was the best friend everrr!! Plus I was the last person to leave her party (I made sure I didn't overstay my welcome too, I wanna brownie points...Not negative points), which was awesome!

After her party though, as I was driving home, I began to think about our friendship and I think, maybe...I like our friendship not advancing. If she said I could date her, I'd jump on that opportunity, but where we are in our friendship isn't quite as strong as I want it before an advancement in our friendship. I get nervous around her, I don't want to touch her (even poking), and I always curb my language around her, because I want to be a good friend. I think when we get to where we can hang out and do things NOT related to work, I'll try to mention dating...But I'm going to wait.

She still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend, I think...I know how hard it is to get over someone, but I don't want to be a distraction if we date, I want to her boyfriend. I can wait, I'm good at being patient these days. I know a thing or two about waiting for the flowers to blossom and right now, our relation ship is only a budding seed. It needs more sun and rain before It can become what it's meant to be.

Well I left the party and went to bed after I got home, waking up to my AWESOME sister's graduation day. I love how FourSquare lets you post where you're eating or shows people what your doing in real time. It's really neat if you ask me, but Lloyd keeps spamming my phone with his annoying log ins at his dumb church in Oak Grove.

Lately, Lloyd has made me wonder about our friendship. We weren't all that close until I became his accountability party, and he mine. Though we've only met three times (twice while I was dating Bethany), once I wasn't dating Bethany, he seems to stop caring as much. Though I knew he did, at that point, these days...I question if he even wants people to know he's associated with me. I feel like he thinks I'm not "Christian enough" for him...Like I'm just a big disappointment...I know that's probably not the case, but I can't fully believe that it's a lie I'm telling myself and that's what bothers me.

He just got his ministers license and he's being blessed by God so I'm truly happy for him, which is mostly why I've kept this to myself, but lately, it just really bugs me...I don't know why, honestly. I've become to use to losing people in my life that one more loss shouldn't really affect me. There's something special about Lloyd though, he was my accountability partner. That means he's supposed to hold me accountable for my mistakes and help me through them, but I'm to help him through his too. Nothing happens and I just want my friend back.

Enough of my ranting, you guys are well caught up on my "as of late shenanigens" so I'm going to go play some Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 on my Wii U before going to bed, I have to work, believe it or not.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Nothing but a bullsh*t fairy tale

So I lost. Again. I wanted to post some pleasing news that the inspirational words of my psychology teacher brought good things to me and had worked, but they didn't. It turns out nothing in life works as I plan for it to. At least, not anymore. I should have known better. I should have seen the black train coming for me. Instead I closed my eyes and took a shot in the dark that just maybe things would fix themselves and I'd have a friend back. Instead I lost two.

So I tried to fix things with Jessica. I was taking it slow, making casual conversations, but then she got all bent out of shape for a few comments and we started arguing. She thought I wasn't going to change, so sure that I haven't, she tried provoking me to yell at her so she was right. All I wanted was to be her friend again, prove I had changed, instead I wasted a week trying to fix everything.

In addition, she gabbled her stupid mouth to my friend Tracy and when she got mad, she unfriended me off Facebook, erased my number off her phone and told me we weren't friends anymore, because of how I treat Jessica and my religious beliefs being the problem for everything. OKAY?? That was given to me randomly too. I was a little hurt, but Tracy was a my oldest friend and had no license, no job, an lived off her allowance from mommy and daddy, who baby her to much.

I tried to ask why she had to do this, but she stopped replying. Whatever. Proves what shit luck I have. I hate to say it, but Jessica has turned into someone worse than Bethany is right now. I don't see why Jessica was so hell-bent on making me to be some horrible person. I am not a horrible person! I made some bad choices, sure, but I was trying to prove that I had change and right when we had finally gotten past arguing, Tracy had to ruin everything!

Tracy complained about having no social life, but I don't feel bad for her now, considering she just walked away from my friendship like it was nothing of value. GOODBYE TO YOU TOO!! It's like she thinks I was expendable or something. No friend of mine can use me like that. She gets no redemption this time.

The worst part is that Jessica thought I wanted to date her again and started getting mad, saying that wasn't happening again. I DON'T WANT TO DATE HER AGAIN!! I just said on my last post that we'd probably still be together if Bethany hadn't done what she did. Life happened and things turned out not as they should have. Oh well. I adapted. Apparently all the kindness in Jessicas heart turned cold, because now she's a very negative person, with a grudge against me so strong, I could feel it through my cell phone when she text me.

Life is to short they say, well why am I still breathing then? It's to long if you ask me. I wish I could just kill myself and be done. Not over Jessica, not over Tracy or the drama she caused, or even anything in this post, but I'm talking about my life. More has gone on, but it wouldn't fit with the mood of this post so I'm withholding. I want to kill myself because the longer I'm here, the more problems I create for people. Read this blog, read any post. Unless you go deep into the archives, you won't find happiness in these posts. Most of it is my confusion in how I make the lives of other people horrible.

Granted, its probably a whole set of things, but in each situation, the blame is set on me. It's my damn existence that plagues the world with pain and sorrow and issues and I need to just kill myself so things can set back the way they should be. I don't even understand why it has to be this way. I just want to help me and make a difference, but I do the opposite, every time! I don''t ever want to date Jessica again, so why would she think that? I'm not going to do that to myself. She has a new group of friends that are probably horrible for her, but she likes them, who am I to judge.

I hope tomorrow never comes. I hope my existence can stop. I don't know how much longer my religious background can keep me from putting down the knife. One of these days, I'm going to screw this world and all I thought was worth living for and just take it to my neck, not stopping until the blood of my jugular spills into my sheets. I want my soul to leave my body and for me to face whatever doom I awake in Gods judgement room. Of course suicide means hell, but there are time when I just don't care anymore...

Untill next time, if there is one, I'll hope to find something positive to post about...Like maybe that crush I had. I have more news, but it doesn't fit with this content.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

I've been thinking a lot today...

So today has been one of those days where I think an awful lot more than I probably should and factor in a lot more than I should and even think into things a lot more than I should. Generally speaking, of course. Well I had a lot to think about since I worked and skipped college today.

Yeah, you guys know how I've been asking myself the point of getting out of bed each day. Well now it's evolved to, "I don't see a point in trying if I'm already failing my classes." I just want to save my gas for work and skip class today. It's a depressing thought, but I don't have the luxury of having old friends pay my college expenses. I have FASFA and now I lost them. I'm on my own after this semester until I can fix those criteria needed for FASFA to pay again. I can do it, it's just going to take some work and time and push me back a few semesters.

So I have been talking to Jessica again lately and ever since my psychology professor got me inspired to fix my relationships, I've really tried to put myself into fixing things with Jessica. Honestly, Bethany needs to realize I'm not the bad guy before that bridge can began repairs, but as much as it hurts, I can live the rest of my life without Bethany now. I don't need her anymore and my life has seen its improvements (of course, vice versa too though). 

ANYWAY, back to Jessica, I've really been trying to fix things. I honestly missed her, but never allowed myself to talk to her again. I was so ashamed of myself and what I'd done, which is beyond what I've told you viewers, that I couldn't live with seeing her again and knowing that pain would be in her eyes when she looked at me. The thought of her shying away in fear or being nervous around me, when she used to be the opposite...It literally killed me. I was the lowest of scum and I deserved nothing but the cold shoulder of a soul who'd given me so many chances and spent so much time in hope that I'd be the better men she knew I was.

Well when my psychology professor got me inspired to try again, I meant it. I was sorry for my actions and even though it will take time to gain her trust back, I will do it. I will go through any hoops i'm given, accept third party ventures for as long as she requires, and even take the criticism of any of her new friends. I am not going to be the horrible ass I was before. This time, I mean it when I say I'll change. Granted, words on a computer screen don't really mean much these days, so I'll prove it to her. Any way I can.

I honest to God thought about driving to her house and apologizing to her parents, but then I thought about how angry or shocked they might be to even see me after so long, and out of the blue. That might blow up in my face. Though I really do what them to see me growing into a man that can own up to things, I think it's best if I stay out of there hair for right now.

When you really think about it, if Bethany hadn't been so instant on us dating being Gods plan for our lives (which I had to spend time praying about (or attempting) and talking to my youth pastor), if Bethany just wanted friendship, I am literally 1000%, yes one thousand percent, sure that Jessica and I would still be together to this day and I'd still be in church, closer to God then I am now, happier, in love so deeply, greek myths could be written and told through the ages.

I still think to myself every night when I pray for Jessica, Bethany, and all my other friends/family, what if I'd never done that one life choice that changed events...What if I'd never broke up with Jessica...Would I still be dating her or would some other inevitable fate be waiting down the road?

You know whats funny? I was always SO NERVOUS that Jessica would go to college and find some great guy with a way better physical appearance, sense of humor, and more smarts than I have. I always feared she'd leave me fore some college guy that had more than I could offer. In this time we've broken up and been apart, TO MY KNOWLEDGE, (I'm only still trying to fix things, we don't "talk" yet) Jessica hasn't dated anyone else, though I know she's had many offers from sweet men who I know would make her happy. I do believe she found someone real that she might be falling in love with right now, but that's just a random guess.

I was so nervous Jessica would upgrade to a better man and even when she has the chance, she doesn't. I was nothing short of a FOOL. The worst part was that Jessica is a healthful person, they type of person my psychology teacher says are rare to find in life. Why do I make the biggest idiot mistakes? Because your Zach Love man, that's why. Thanks. I just love hearing that.

Anywho, I've tried to be slim on posting lately due to Bethanys sick obsession with wanting to mock me for what I post, but honestly, I don't care. If she wants to be a completely horrible person, that's her choice. I'm letting out how I feel on a public source and nobody has to read it, but she chooses too. Either she still has feelings or she just split her marbles across the floor and hasn't found them all yet, because no sane person enjoys the mocking of another soul. I just don't care though, let her do what she wants, as she pleases, and for as long as she feels necessary.

I am going to fix things with Jessica. I promise that. You guys will be seeing a post one day where I proclaim my success in this task and I can guarantee it's my last chance so I WILL NOT screw it up this time. She's given me to many chances already, God bless her soul for even talking to me right now.