Saturday, April 27, 2013

Hard couple of weeks

April is really kicking my ass. I just get all these emotions and they differ and scare me. I am always saying I'm crazy and now I'm starting to believe it. It's not fun to wake up each morning and literally tell yourself there's no reason to get up. I'm so depressed lately, do damn depressed. It's not right. It's never right, I guess...It's my life, what should I expect, happiness or joy? HA! As if that was possible...

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll find happiness eventually, but I'll be really skeptical before I allow myself to believe it's permanent or long term. I say that I see no point in getting up in the morning, which is true, but these past few weeks, or this past week more specifically, has really tried to change my mind. I just want to never wake up some days. I say my prayers every night, but I feel like not wanting to wake up voids out all prayers I make to God.

I'm to guy who walked away and been miserable ever since. Why don't I go back? I'm scared. Yeah, yeah, save your stupid little "that's the dumbest excuse ever" speech. I can't....WON'T go back, I can't. I'm to far gone and my fate is inevitable at this stage in my life. I need to just embrace the simple fact that I'll live a life filled with sadness, pain, regret, and sorrow.

I can't move past this for some reason. I know this is all a stupid, STUPID lie, but I can't stop believing it. I can't stop seeing no point to continue. Then why don't I just kill myself? I can't guys, I want to...I really do just want to stop everything, take the final breathe of my life, and die. Forever done with the sorrows of this life. I just can't...I guess my time in church has me to afraid to do it...I am falling apart, I AM APART. I am pieces of a person who used to know everything, or enough to get by. Now I'm just the jumbled pieces of someone with no purpose.

30 Seconds to Mars has a song called Alibi. It says "I fell apart...But got back up again." Well I can't get back up guys, I'm having one hell of a hard time finding a way to stand long enough to avoid my next attack. All I want is to feel that love I had last August. It was real, God was with me and I had never felt more sure of my purpose back then.

I wanted to be a youth pastor back then, because of how highly I thought of Michael (and still do, he's a great man)! Now I think I want to get a Music Technology degree. I figure God can't use me to help others anymore, so I should move on. I can really enjoy Music Tech because it's something I'm really interested in, plus is the only thing that could make me some real income.

The funny thing is I was listening a lecture in my Psychology class about a week ago and my professor was talking about responsibility and choices we make. We can chose to make "baby steps" (reference from a movie, What About Bob) to a positive future or negative one.

Example: One cigarette or pack of cigarettes a day is a BABY STEP to having LUNG CANCER later down the road. Brushing your teeth every day (twice) is a BABY STEP to having GOOD ORAL HYGIENE in the future. Exercising while your young and able is a BABY STEP to having good physical movement when your older. Etc, etc, etc...

It really spoke to me, because he said this also applies to every relationship in your life. You can chose to be selfish and take BABY STEPS to ruining your relationships or do the LITTLE THINGS that get YOU NOTHING but make the OTHER PERSON HAPPY (Yes, I'm serious). It helps you in now way, but it makes the other person happy and the selflessness will help the relationship stay strong.

My professor also said to have HEALTHFUL people in your life who make GOOD life choices and to avoid DESTRUCTIVE people who will BRING YOU DOWN with there poor life choices. He also said to take chances in love and if you find a healthful person and really like them, relationships are like climbing a later and you can't go up a few steps just to keep yourself from being hurt, if you REALLY LIKE THEM, he said to take your chances and climb all the way up the later, because SURE you can get hurt if you fall, but if your real lucky, they can make  you happy and all the risk will be worth it.

I have had all this to think about when I wake up in the morning. I tell myself it's all about choices...Because it is! I just wish I had the strength to take those risks. I do have feelings for someone again, but I can't climb all the way up the latter. It makes me mad that I can't just say how I feel, but it might not work out anyway...Due to the situation...I always told myself Bethany was the only one I wanted to love, she was it, the one God picked out for me. I don't know anymore...I mean, I've stayed single because of how badly I got hurt...She basically climbed on the roof and pushed the latter away, causing me to fall without notice...

I am better, a lot better actually, but it seems Bethany left part of herself with me. I don't think she'll be 100% anymore, unless our friendship is healed...I was her first real boyfriend...I mean, I listen to all these examples in this unit my Psychology teacher talks about and he was talking about this guy who used to date his wife's sister...The guy really loved the woman he was dating, but one day without notice, he vanished off the face of the earth and she didn't know why. The woman was heartbroken and in a lot of pain, because of how much she loved the man. Well that guy showed up one day and asked my psychology professor (through email) if she was still single, because he ran away because he was scared...He was to afraid of the commitment that he lost the one good thing he had and said that was the biggest regret of his life. Sadly the man lost, because that woman got married to someone else years later and had been able to find love again.

I don't know if it's all in my head, but as this was being said, I thought of Bethany and my heart felt heavy...I had this feeling inside that I should do someone about us. I don't know if Bethany really left because she was scared, but on the chance she did...I'm not going anywhere right now. I am thinking about leaving KC for awhile though, go to college somewhere else...I don't know if I can live here and remember all the pain that I've had to experience. I have so many good memories in this room, SO MANY GOOD ONES, but yet....A few bad memories have taken place too.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS FALL APART 100%!!! I can't do it though, I fall about 99% and know that I can't do anything about anything in my life. It's takes two people to resolve an issue and I'm so afraid of Bethany becoming who she has been lately...I forgive her for all her bitter actions.

Bethany got a new job I found out lately, but when she saw me having lunch with my sister, during her break she chose to harass me and my sister...I forgive her actions, I just don't want that look in her eyes to be there forever. It was like her soul has been replaced with a entirely new creation. Her eyes used to show me kindness and love...I loved her eyes, how they expressed who she was so vividly....Now they have this totally new look in them...It scared me to death that she's gone forever.

I just want to take BABY STEPS to fixing us. I don't care if we don't stay friends, date again, or even stay in touch...I just want her to go back to who she was before this happened. All I can do is pray for her, which is a good start...A baby step, but I don't know what else to do...

MY LIFE! Go figure...Maybe it'll all be sorted out in the end....

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

So easy...?

Sunday, April 7, 2013

It was probably something I said...Right?

I don't deny that I'll never be friends with Bethany again (okay, I broke my own rule after one post, sue me), but this song says good to how I felt for the longest time and still feel at times (not all lyrics are exact of course).