Saturday, March 30, 2013

College, grades, and best friends!

I'm going to make you guys wait a little longer to hear about where I'll be going for my summer vacation, because it's not until late May or early June. Instead, I've got something else to talk about today. College, my grades, friends I haven't mentioned before, and how it all effects me right now. NO MORE BETHANY ON MY BLOG GUYS! I'm trying to move on, so why should I be reflecting and/or thinking about her?

So lately, this semester at college, I found out that it's bad to get a D in college, especially if FASFA is paying for your classes/books. I got a D last semeseter because I had an evil teacher from hell and I barely passed her class about COLLEGE SUCCESS. What a jerk. She was a mean woman too, thought I was a trouble maker when it was just the table I was at. She was to quick to judge and held grudges.

Anyway, that was the only D I got last semester, but because of that grade, FASFA put me on warning and said if I don't get a 2.5 GPA or higher with all my classes combined, they won't pay for next year. From hearing that, my dad said if that happens, he's making me get my own phone and charging me rent every month. WHAT A BUSTED AND JANK WAY OF ENJOYING LIFE!!

I found all this out because I took a "Fundamentals of Music" class to test out this semester and ended up being horrible at reading/writing music so I was talking to the financial aid office about dropping that class when I found all this out. Now I have to pull the F in my music class up to a C or I am screwed. Failing a class is not an option anymore. So much for dropping too, FASFA said no to that too! Not to mention the deadline to drop classes is tomorrow. ONLY MY LIFE!!

Through all this bad new though, the past 2 weeks have showered me with MANY, MANY shifts at The Tree. I've been working almost every day and it's been great, a lot of those days are 7 or 8 hours too! I didn't like the 4 hour shifts, but now that I'm seeming to pick up crazy good hours, my paycheck will finally be DECENT!! That's the only ray of good news, which breaks up these negative ones.

On the topic of work, I've never mentioned her (as a topic), but I work with my friend Sierra, who lately has grown to be my best friend. It's been really fun working with her, but that only happens once every two weeks or so. When we work together, we have a great time and we've even hung out a few times now (which I'm glad FINALLY happened). Well I always wait until its to late don't I? It's typical Zach behavior. We were working together to try and get a lot of shifts this year at WOF for The Tree, but knowing my luck, my happiness can't happen, can it?

I find out that when Sierra graduates (she's a senior this year) in May, she'll be moving back to Iowa (where her mom's family is). See my luck? I just screw myself over, emotionally, all the time. Here I am finally finding a new best friend (Nathan is still my best friend, don't forget that I can have more than one) and she has to end up leaving me. The worst part is, she could so easily stay in Missouri.

All she needs is a full time job, transportation, and a place to live. It seems so basic and simple, but yet it's harder than you'd think. I'm 19, 20 this summer, and I can't even find a full time job. I'm working part time at The Tree. If I could solve the issue of money, that'd make life surely a bit more manageable! Then again I need to learn how to save my money. Then I can start racking in the dough!!

I just want Sierra to stick around, y'know? She's my best friend and I care about her a lot! She wants to stay and the capability is so...SO EASILY ACCESSIBLE!! Bwahh...We will see!! I get two months right now and I'm going to make the most of it.

This about sums things up for right now. I just wanted to give an update since I haven't posted in a bit. I got a paper due this week and test Monday, plus I work all weekend (that's going to be exhausting), so I'll get off here.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

My Twisted Long Story: Interpreted through song.

My song for Jessica:

My song for Bethany:

This is for me:

I am nothing more than a broken soul, but I know I will grow, be stronger, eventually find someone who can patch me up just right and the one God truly means to be with me forever. Things will look up...They have to, right?!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Sometimes timing is key, right?

Well we all know about my past relationship with Bethany (If not, you're new, go hit the archives). Well I believe God is always doing things in his time, I have always believed that, just not as much as I should have lately. A few days back, I was listening to Spotify Radio before work and A song I'd never heard came on. If I had heard this song months back, before I had gotten over Bethany, maybe I would have posted it on my blog and it'd have come across as cocky or arrogant. No, I think God places music in your hands when the right time matches the words. The song was Miss Me by Andy Grammer.

By no means do I mean that Bethany will "Miss Me" and come running back to me one day. I don't see that happening. What I mean is that she'll probably end up realizing what she's done to the full impact and have some regrets that she has to live with for the rest of her life. I'm come to terms with myself through this and learned that you shouldn't give everything to someone in a relationship, because of the chance of your heart breaking. Believe me, this won't be happening again. In fact, whoever I marry will probably be the most chill person in the world! Bethany is a fun person, great friend, and has an awesome view on life, it's just the little things that make people like me jump to conclusions, saying things like, "She has APD and overly represses her memories to make herself forget how horrible she was."

I don't really know what Bethany has, but if it's really APD, I'll never know. Everyone copes differently with a break-up. It's alright that she doesn't want to be friends anymore too. She and I now live in a world where if we see each other, we're not allowed to smile and say hello, having one of those nice chats before classes at Maple or suddenly realizes the other is free at a convenient time and makes plans to hang out. This doesn't get to happen to me anymore. The best part: I'm okay with it!

I used to see life as pointless without Bethany (which I thought would be flattering to Bethany), but the more she pushed me away...The more pointless it became to think that. Eventually I caved in, cold turkey on Bethany. I stopped texting her, I gave her all of her belongings back, and I walked away like a man. I just took all my emotions and shoved them away, deep inside of me, and tried being the bigger person. Accepting that we're never going to be in each others lives is hard, but it was the inevitable truth so long as Bethany wanted it that way.

That silly term my mom always told me, "It takes two to Tango." is so true. If I can get past how ultimately cheesy my mom can be with saying things, I can see that if I walk away from Bethany, she won't have to fight me. It's easier if I let her figure things out for herself. Not to mention, I've never held to much sympathy for Jessica since I broke up with her.

I was doing to Jessica was Bethany is...err, was doing to me. I just can't believe how cruel I was. On the plus side of things, Jessica is so very damn strong and she made it through. I know she's going to have a great deal of happiness in her life, because she is always a fun person. Those people always bring a good time in there secret bags. I'm never going to see Jessica again, so why should Bethany ever see me again? It makes since. Besides, I have one heck of a great summer coming up!!

But just to tease you, I'll make you wait until my next post to hear the awesome news of my upcoming summer! IT WILL BE MY BEST SUMMER EVER!!!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Gods unexpected miracles

You know what I appreciate? The moral code God gave us all (our Spirit). It tells us what's right and wrong, along with what we were taught growing up as children. Today is the birthday of, not exactly a friend, but in my book a friend. She and I haven't really talked all that much, but that's okay. It's mostly because we didn't really have time to find common interests...She was a mutual friend of Bethany. That person was Sam.

Sam was one of Bethany's best friend while we were friends and even while we dated for that brief month. The thing I loved about Sam was that she always tried to see the best in things, even when it was hard. Through everything I knew about her, she was a strong woman. She had good morals grounded into her and I respected that.

It's sad I didn't have time to find common interests, because I only went to her house once with Bethany, which was a fun time, and we all had our laughs that day, literally. After Bethany "technically" broke up with me, all her friends left with that break up. It's sad that had to happen because Bethany had some good friends.

Side note: I really hope to God Bethany never deleted the video for that day in anger, that day was so fun and I still remember it today (It's all about taking the good from things and remembering those times over the bad).

Though I tell myself Bethany and I wouldn't have worked, I can find a pro to match every con in that situation. It's hard to tell how things would have changed if we hadn't rushed everything or started where we did. This post isn't about Bethany though, it's about Sam.

Sam was a really fun person and in the times I saw her, I could clearly tell she liked to laugh, have a good time, but also liked the things most woman like (don't ask, I have no examples). I think if Bethany and I had worked out longer, Sam and I would have really gotten along and been better friends. Though they have some strange friends in there life, they're all just as fun, spunky, and charismatic as Sam!

When things between Bethany and I saw hope in late December, early January, I was so confused and upset with myself, trying to take back the anger I unleashed, forgetful of all possible consequences. She was willing to talk to me and I messed it up with my own personal bitterness. She ended up changing her mind and hating me again, a never ending cycle it seemed...

On January 31st, the most unexpected thing happened to me. I logged into my Facebook account from home to find a new message in my inbox. Sam had send me a message that I've still saved to this day. I read it whenever I feel as though nobody cares about me or if I just have a night when I'm feeling alone.

I was so thankful to read the words on the screen that night, because through all my pain and hurting, I knew Bethany had a friend who truly cared. She had a heart that was strong enough to put down the evil poking stick in which tortured the lost souls in this world and go back to the God who is ever forgiving and loves us. That was the night I saw hope in this life again. Though I can't speak for myself two months back, but I can say that it doesn't hurt as much anymore to think about Bethany. It's more of a sore topic to bring up and if someone tries to manipulate a situation with an ex or God, I will snap at them (case in point, I yelled at my dad a few weeks back for saying something about Bethany, which really got him mad afterwords, but oh well).

I don't hate Bethany anymore, I don't love Bethany anymore, but I hold a fondness to her, because I forgave her. She is my friend, but just not a friend whom I'll hang out with right now (because she doesn't want to) out of respect. Being able to talk to Sam really calmed me down. Sam was there to have, as she put it, mature conversations, when I was struggling. I wavered so far into Bethany with love and then spiraled back into anger.

It happened so many times, I twisted my heart into a mutated piece of human anatomy, in which made it hardly recognizable. If Bethany thought it was funny that I talked to myself while we were friends, breaking up with me would have made it hilarious. I had more conversations with myself in one day then I had with combined persons on some days. I went back and forth all day, for days, weeks, and yes, eventually months, trying to find what that needle in the haystack was in which made her leave me after everything that had happened the month prior.

Sam took all that that pain and made me realize that I was just going through the normality's of a break up. Though not all of them end this way and I shouldn't have felt this strongly after a month, but I could see Bethany and I being that couple who's married after 6 weeks. We loved God, we loved each other, and we moved to fast. If only we'd moved a little slower...

Sam was a kind, loving friend when I didn't even ask for it. I though that door was shut when Bethany walked away from what we had. It was proof that God does love us and is out there making sure we don't jump off the edge as the salty tears of pain slowly create a damp circle in our shirts.

Today is Sam's Birthday and I wanted her to know, if she's reading this, that I hope has had truly blessed birthday. The day she was created, someones pain disappeared  someones life was saved, and someones heart was filled with the loving emotions only ones soul could concoct. It truly is a blessing to know Sam is living in this world, making one poor sucker like myself go to sleep with a smile on my face, because I know I always have one person praying for me.

Happy birthday Sam.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The power of a love song

I have been pretty happy with being single the past 9 months. I haven't had to worry about being broke and not having money to go on dates, buy surprise gifts (which I like doing), and being there for someone else. The only thing that I'll admit I miss is the affection. I am big on holding hands and cuddling. I guess this Bethany drama has opened my eyes to a whole new world and though I now regret everything, I know I've had to move on. So I finally did.

I had lunch with my friends Lloyd and Amanda this past Wednesday at Panera bread (first time at Panera and it was AMAZING!) and we had a nice conversation and caught up. The thing that made me the happiest is that they didn't once ask about Bethany until I was telling them how I'll never eat at Hy-Vee again because it's tied me to certain memories. They caught on to what I mean and assumed I meant that it'd be a great topic to bring up next. It wasn't, but I wouldn't shoot them down.

They asked if I was talking to Bethany again or if we had fixed things. Of course I have forgiven her, but as far as things between us go, I don't think Bethany is forgiving me...ever. I can really see her holding onto that for the rest of her life. I simply told Lloyd and Amanda that I wasn't talking to her and she was out of my life. I told them that I was glad for that though, that things worked out the way they did and it's for the best. To be honest, I didn't tell them that I hold onto the fact that Bethany was a douche and went psycho on me.

I forgave her, why should I mention it? Why should I even talk about Bethany again? She gets more undeserved chat time on my blog than anyone! Her tags are filling this blog site. It's like reading a long ass soap opera of my doomed love life. READ ALL ABOUT THE MISADVENTURES OF BOY LOVE AND HIS CRAPPY LOVE LIFE!!

I was listening to country music on the way home from Thursday and Tate Stevens song, The Power of a Love Song came on. It was just another average song, but the lyrics really got me thinking...About Jessica. If anyone deserved talk time on my blog lately, it'd be Jessica. She went from my best friend to my girlfriend to the person I used to know back in October of 2011.

The song made me want to cry, which would mean I'd have to stop my car because I can't drive if I can't see. I resisted, but I then realized that I rushed things with Bethany, because I was filled with more lust than I was love. I left Jessica with lust for Bethany. She had given me a teasing sample of what I'd get and I was rash in my judgement.

I will never find a love like the one I had with Jessica. She was my perfect everything. Though I could have seen it working with Bethany, and honestly still can, through some SERIOUS work, I will never have Jessica back. I have put her through enough, hurt her enough, and given her enough pain to last a lifetime. I would never do that all over again. Besides, the whole silent treatment was so that she could move on without me as a problem.

Oh well, right? The way I see it, I'll be single for the rest of my life. That's not some dumb depressing way of looking at my life, that's just the realistic view I have right now. Sure, I find some woman in my life attractive right now, but I'll never leave the friend zone again and if they're not my friend, I'll never ask them out. I can't. For starters, I am still a terrible Christian. I know I keep monologuing about how I'm a bad Christian and I will eventually become who I am in Christ, and I don't want to bore any of you readers, but I really am trying.

I just never feel the motivation to pick up my bible or drive to church. I pray every night before bed, but I don't think that cuts it. Sure, God loves me and I'd wake up in heaven, but what about at 2:38pm when I'm not going to bed? What if I'm cussing with my homies and being profane? I know it's wrong so why don't I stop and use alternate words? I have some work to do still...

Anyway guys, I won't go on and on again about that, I just wanted to post an update since I haven't blogged in a bit. I'll put that song by Tate Stevens at the end so you can hear it. Spotify didn't have the song so I'll post it from YouTube instead.