Thursday, January 31, 2013

Bethany has me tongue tied...Again!

Why does it have to be me? God I'm stupid, but that's my paradigm. I love my psychology class, because it just keeps reminding me of HOW I'm being stupid. Hopefully by the end of the semester, I'll have seen my mistakes and find WHERE and HOW I can change. I better, because otherwise, I'll be doing a whole lot of nothing from 9:50am till 9:57am on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's...

Bethany really pisses me off guys!! SHE GETS MY GOAT!!! I just want to go back in time and tell her that we CAN'T leave the friend zone. That's all I want to do. If that can happen, we'd still be friends, Bethany wouldn't have an empty hatred for me, and we could catch a movie on Valentines Day and go as FRIENDS!! The worst part about it all, is that now that I've got nothing. Let me tell you guys a dream I had last night. It felt so real, I would have almost sworn it was real until my STUPID phone rang and woke me up.

The Dream
I had a dream about Bethany. It started at a chinese restaurant where she worked and I was sitting at a booth and I text her asking I could see my child...She flipped out and told some friends who worked there "Oh my God Zach text me and he wants to see Grant!" So I yell over to her, "What's so wrong with that?!!" And she turns white as a ghost seeing me but then her face gets bright red with anger and she starts scalding me!! Then the dream faded to me getting a call from Sam (Bethanys friend) saying Bethany was in labor at some hospital and I needed to get there fast, she needed me. I rush there and we have a ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL baby boy. Then the dream fades again when Bethanys smiling at me to us in a park playing with Grant and holding hands, happy together...Then I woke up.

Yeah, It was a really weird dream, huh? I don't even know why I had it...Maybe it was subconsciously related to my thinking about her last night? I always say prayers before bed, unless I'm REALLY tired. Last night was like no other, I prayed for Bethany, but maybe I reflected to much about her, seeing her again at Maple (It seems this will be a regular occurrence now...Joy).

I Bethany to be happy in all she does, but why does she have to wait till I'm attending Maple to go herself? it's fishy that she sits around for two years, out of High School, but just NOW decides, "Hmm...I should go to college before it's to late!" I don't buy it. Who would? Her friends. She talks to them. She had them all turn against me, unfriend me on Facebook, the whole 9 yards. it was clever...

But all I care about is her unending happiness. I can't stop wishing that for her. As much as I want her to feel the pain I felt, feel the remorse and pain I had for trusting her when she said, "I love you, us together is all part of Gods plan.", I can't do it. I've tried on many occasions only to stop myself in mid-cycle. I won't hurt her. I can't. It's now how God wants things to be done.

Gods real plan is the one in action. I wake up each day and hope that it will be better than the last, some days it is, others not so much...To make the post less morbid, I just want to remind everyone of the Bethany i used to know.

She was a sweet, kind, beautiful woman with the most dazzling smile. When she laughed, it lit up your world, because everywhere she went seemed brighter. As she loved others, I loved her, because of her heart. How is cared for others with an undying passion. My arm around her body, we'd watch a movie together, snuggled up on the couch, everything seeming just right...

Let's all try to remember who Bethany used to be, for my sake. Remember the whole "casting the first stone" story in the bible? I put my rocks back on the ground and left with the empty satisfaction of her pain, because Jesus wouldn't want us to be vengeful, bitter creatures. God created us to be better than that. I will show others love, kindness, joy, and forgiveness, because as God takes care of the wicked and sinful, I take care of my own life and nobody else's.

Bethany won't be reading this, but on the slim chance shes does, I want her to know that there is no such thing as "being miserable" unless you allow yourself to be. Each day is a chance to better the last. I always remember that.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Life has a funny pattern, doesn't it?

So a lot has been going on and I haven't been able to post but I was finally able to find the time (aside from where I could be finishing my math homework right now) to post this blog for you guys. I could skip to the present and bring up the awkward thing that happened on Monday, but that'd be no fun. Instead I'll work my way up to that. Unless I get impatient...

So college has been pretty fun so far, I'm absolutely loving my Fundamentals of Music class!! I'm learning to read and write music!! It's really exciting for me, even though most people learn this earlier in life. I never had the luxury of learning an instrument or music growing up, but since I'm so passionate about it now, I've decided now would be the perfect time to start (before it's to late)!

Other than that, classes are just plain Jane good. I like em', but I don't love them as much as I love my music class. Honestly guys, that's pretty much it about classes. For the awkward thing, I can finally say it. I was walking to my Music class Monday (27th) and guess who I saw in front of me a fair way? None other than the bitch herself.

That's right, Bethany was at my college. Why was she there? Who in THE HELL knows? She was turning to talk to a friend so I turned a quick right and hid behind a building so she couldn't see me. I stood there peaking beyond the corner until she left (I had 15 minutes till class anyway, I was early). I kept my far distance until she turned again to go in a side building into the Student Center, where I conveniently have my 9am class.

Well to avoid her, I scurried past that side door and went in a far door on the other side of the building. No dice in my favor that morning, because I'm about to turn down my hallway when I see Bethany walking my way to the restroom and she see's me, locks eyes, I see her, fake smile, and quickly walk down my hallway (not even THINKING about stopping to talk).

What was the right thing to do then? She saw me...Should I text her saying hi or just leave it alone? I was stuck at a crossroad so I played it smart and just text her. I asked why she was there and added a silly face to make it seem less painful. She replies back with one word.


WHAT THE CRAP DOES AXIOMATIC MEAN?!! Who the hell does she think she is using such language with me?!! She's still the bitch that dumped me for NO FREAKING REASON!!

Axiomatic means "Self-Evident or unquestionable".

Well she was just trying to me a smart little bitch, now wasn't she? Very clever, but no thanks. I see through her games now, more than ever. I was trying to stretch out a hand of kindness, but she stabbed it with an over-sized butcher knife. I knew I was feeding myself to a crocodile when I text her, but I though that maybe if she really has been going to church like she said, she'd take it and see the kindness I was trying to show.

She is harboring unknown anger against me and I haven't the first clue as to why. It's her loss. She will never become a pastors wife the way she is now. Not to mention that when she waits 2 years to start college, nothing about asking why she was there was axiomatic!! It was a legitimate question to be asking!!

The more I think about the evolution of my relationship with Bethany, the more I hate ever leaving the friend zone. Sure, it was great for the few weeks it worked (if you enjoy dating a home wrecker), but nothing about our relationship was God ordained. At least, not how we went about things...

I leave out details still, because even though she keeps hurting me and showing bitterness, two wrongs don't make a right. I want to believe that there's still good in the world, even if it  has to start with me swallowing my anger and just taking what she dishes out to me. I'm letting God take this one off my hands, because I can't deal with Bethany on my own, Lord knows I'd end up regretting the end of that day.

Speaking of evolution, LOOK AT MY LIFE!!! Can you say that it's gotten better or worse? It's such a damn close call on both sides!! I have Bethany taking all 10 slots on my negative side, but I got a promotion at work this week....My car is running fine, but I gotta take my friends home at night every night because Nathan got in a car accident and totaled his car....I don't know anymore how to weigh the scale...That's not even everything, but I'm not even about to attempt yammering on about even more things.

I miss my old life. I had more fun, I was happier, I had truly great best friends who shared my religious beliefs. I love my friends now, but that single lack of agreement makes a lot of conversations hard.

Guess that's just an axiomatic statement right there, haha (yes, i'm mocking Bethany)!

Oh well, life is a bitch. I don't expect Bethany to ever be my friend again, but the way I feel inside, I think she just rebels against me because she knows she messed up in screwing me over. She was ALWAYS at my house hanging out with me, which proved how close we were. She MADE TIME to see me, because she loved hanging out with me.

If I could ask God for one thing out of all this, it'd be to have Bethany back before we dated, us both friend zoned and happy again...It wouldn't have worked with Jessica, but at least that way we'd have broken up in a more acceptable way. I was a complete douche breaking up with her on the phone (and to have Bethany sitting next to me)...

I'll probably mention that in my prayers tonight, but to all my readers out in the world, I'm not going to make that mistake twice. I've finally faced my demons and the scares on my heart won't keep me from being happy anymore. I'm ready to date someone again and I'm going to try my damnedest to make them happy! Only I'll be doing it the right way and not rushing things. Never again. I'm a new and better man these days. I won't go back to how I was...

Side note: To close, I'd like to say that if Bethany ever wanted to be friends again, try to fix things, she'd have ground to cover. First off, she'd have to apologize like crazy, in person, and prove how sorry she is. That's all I'll make her do though. I won't make her do anything stupid or have theatrics. I've let go of my anger, all I want anymore is an apology. A sincere apology.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Truth Time: Episode One

And here is a deleted song I recorded but didn't want to use since the video was already so long and such. I hope you enjoy it!

Be sure to leave your comments guys!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

I was a fool in the end.

Damn me for trusting people to much. Damn me for being an optimistic piece of crap! I don't know why I walk into traps I know have been set for me. It is just all the more degrading. Lets skip ahead and get to the details....

Well I was supposed to meet Bethany for answers on Thursday, but she got "called into work." I didn't know where she worked, but after talking to one of my friends who knows her, I found out. I didn't call them, but instead asked Bethany why she chose work over us meeting when she made a promise to me to give me answers.

That pushed the wrong button.

She yelled at me, like she used to, using cruelty, being like she always is, and made me feel like crap. I had moved on, she did too. Why did she message me if she was only going to treat me like crap?!! OH I KNOW!! It's all a game to her, it seems. Let's screw with Zachary. He's a pathetic man who I can hurt.

I'm sure that's not how it goes in her mind, but she won't even meet up to tell me about how it REALLY IS in her mind. To top it all off, she openly told me she had a date on Friday with someone at 5pm. THE NERVE SHE HAD TO TELL ME THAT!!! How can she tell me she "misses what we had" and then go around dating people like she never even messaged me.

I don't play the "crazy card", but she's making it damn hard for me not too. Anyway, I asked for a time when she would meet up with me, because I want the stuff I've had of hers to be OUT of my house FOREVER and I want my copy of The Hunger Games back from her, but she didn't reply and I blocked her on Facebook. I'm so done if she doesn't want to be honest or fix anything.

My friend Lloyd told me that God had convicted her and she was trying to make amends. I so badly wanted to believe he was right too. Instead she was playing a game with me. So twisted, so wrong, and so sick the way she treats me.

Well, I will move on. I don't need to date an ex girlfriend again. I will move on and only know it as a part of my past, the woman who sucked the trust out of my heart with a bendy straw. God can fix it though, he can fix anything. I just need to believe. Which is honestly the hardest part for me.

Well, until my next post, I will leave you knowing that I'm single, staying single, and done with Bethany unless the plot twists again, which always seems to happen to me.