Tuesday, September 10, 2013
To give you a proper update, let's just go in a specific sorting order.
Sierra and I have really been hitting it off lately. I think the smartest decision I made was NOT DATING HER. You see, when I formed my silly little crush on her back in May of 2013, which seems far away, 4 months in reality, but is only like a few days ago in my mind. Sierra's ex K had just broken up with her in early May (or late April, I'm not entirely sure at this point) and she was distraught. Yet again, the man she loved was ending it between them for a 2nd time (He had ended it/started it last time too).
You can only imagine that as I was slowly getting closer to Sierra as a friend, this time when K broke up with her, I got to hear about it. Now as she explained to me all the reasons he broke up with her (at that time), were all the reasons why I loved being her friend. Of course I consoled her and told her it'd be alright, typical friend advice n such. What I believe happened was, in my mind, I formed feelings I didn't really have for Sierra, in a way that would hopefully make her feel better.
See what I'm saying? I don't really have feelings for Sierra past friendship, but my unconscious mind formed these feelings in a way that said, "She's your friend, this will make her feel better". In reality, seeing this now, our minds don't fully grasp things. No person should ever deal with a break up by going into a NEW relationship RIGHT AWAY. I feel as though that's what...some people did (Another story for another day).
Anyway, Sierra and I, in this past month, have become really close. I can safely say that Sierra is my number one best friend. I trust her more than any other soul (well...Yes, but I know I can always be open to Michael about my religious concerns/troubles too) on this planet. You might be asking about Nathan, yes? Maybe I never went into my friendship with him...I'll come back to this, promise.
I never have to worry about hiding something, cutting corners, or hiding information from Sierra. She is the ONLY person in my life I can be entirely open with. Losing Sierra is like losing a part of who I am. I need her. The memories we have as friends, the fun we have, and the goofy little jokes I'll make that make her say, "Oh Jeez" or "Yeah, that's Zach" bring me encouragement each day to go on. The relationship we have as friends should be the kind everyone should have with someone in there life, if only one, because it's like having a safe house where you can be yourself and never worry about judgement.
So long as I can help it, Sierra's a lifelong friend, and I'm damn proud to call her my best friend.
You may wonder why I combined these two, but it's mostly because they're dating and I rarely see them apart when we hang out. It'd be the three of us doing something like playing video games, eating out, or if we're not as broke, seeing a movie or bowling.
Let's start with Nathan. I didn't want to leave you with that question, "What's Zach talking about?" from that previous paragraph in Sierra's section, so I thought I'd answer it next. Nathan and I have been friends for a little over 2 years. I met him shortly after I graduated high school through my friend Carolyn, because they'd started dating and I became better friends with Carolyn towards the end of the school year. As we graduated, Nathan and I, though very different people (You have NO IDEA), started seeing common ground, in which we really started our friendship.
Through these past two years, the first year was great, I don't even remember any problems going on, but that's probably because I was in church and a happy little camper dating Jessica still. In the second year of our friendship, though religion doesn't matter to Nathan, I walked away from God and really put more of myself into my friendships then I should have.
Nathan and I have gotten more in common lately and I swear more openly around Nathan (and Carolyn), because I know it's alright. I have a different set of behaviors around Nathan and Carolyn than I do around Sierra. Though I know I can swear around Sierra, I only use it occasionally. Don't ask me why, I failed Psychology last semester.
Anyway, bringing it back on topic....Ever since...Fine, I'll say it. Ever since Bethany played her scandalous revenge on Jessica, I've never been the same (I think I've explained this to you guys). What she did, out of pure revenge on Jessica, to me, was wrong and the furthest thing from Christian. FINE, I'll give you guys a section for this later, but I want to focus on Nathan and Carolyn right now.
Again, ANYWAY, Ever since Bethany broke up with me (does it count if she never "dated" me), I've been a different person and I think Nathan see's that. Sure, we're still friends and I hope we stay friends, I just spent all my time with Nathan and Carolyn instead of going to church or praying or the things I did before. I was alone and I didn't want to FEEL alone, so I surrounded myself with the people I most cared about at the time. Or tried to anyway.
As for now, today, September 10th, 2013, I think Nathan and I are on good terms. He's still my best friend and I care about him. I think a part of me will always care about him, no matter what happens between us in life. He was the first real bro I had since George and Kyle, so it felt good having someone to talk to when I stopped using God as a port.
As for Carolyn, she's my spunky fun friend and I'm glad, out of all my high school friends, she was one that stuck around. I miss a few other friends, but at least Carolyn stuck around. I've known Carolyn off and on for pretty much all of high school and even some junior high. It's been great knowing I can be someone's friend for longer than 2 years, because I was starting to think my life was cursed and when I hit the "2 year friendship" mark...BOOM! Death gets an open shot to end things.
No, Carolyn and I have lost contact, but never stopped being friends in my mind.
Why in God's holy name would you people want me to KEEP BRINGING UP THE PAST?!! It's like you don't want me to move on. Let me tell you guys something, this is the last Bethany post, so long as she doesn't see me in person and harass me, but my sister is friends with Jessica at college, so I don't know how frequently I'll post about her, but it won't be an every post kind of thing. So don't expect it.
To give you more insight on my theory of what happened (I just went through some old posts and apparently, I HAVEN'T SHARED MY THEORY). Hold onto your butts, because I had to REALLY proccess this before I believed it, and even this is seemed a little...Far-fetched for Bethany. Who really knows us, but God though, right?
My Theory: Bethany wasn't a big fan of Jessica in high school. They were in Writing Club (or whatever it's called) together at Winnetonka and Jessica was, of course, better than Bethany at writing (She's published a book already and finished writing two more as far as I know). Well Bethany had her own personal issues with Jessica even outside of school. What they are, I never found out, just knew she did. When I started dating Jessica, Bethany and I weren't close, as friends, but she was the reason I went back to church, so we kept in frequent touch as casual friends.
I don't know when, but somewhere in that last half of my dating Jessica, Bethany, who always disliked Jessica, starting figuring out a way to get revenge for high school. What it was that happened, again, I don't know. Well I don't think Bethany originally intended to hurt me in the process, but when she saw no other alternative, there had to be casualties (This is getting sick, but stay with me, the whole damn thing was sick and twisted in the end).
When Bethany saw Jessica and I having our first genuine fight, she was lucky enough to be hanging out with me. Jessica was upset that I spent so much time with Bethany, we were inseparable best friends at the time, and I was trying to reassure her that it was only because we were friends. Nothing was going on. Well when I told Bethany, it upset her that Jessica would even accuse her of such actions...She was a Christian woman and raised better than that.
That night, she left at 11pm all upset in the middle of our movie, and I was on the verge of tears. Bethany, 20 minutes later, called me and apologized, came back to my house, and we fixed things. We finished our movie, but Jessica laid on my shoulder and we finished our movie before going to bed. THAT NIGHT CHANGED EVERYTHING.
Side note: I don't know why it always happens during break ups, which this wasn't (yet), but people feel things they shouldn't feel and mess things up. In this case, I'm not sure what I believe.
Well everything was cleared up and eventually it came time for our summer camping trip. I've been there, relived those moments to many times in my head, won't go back (If you want a recap, read the post here). Through that camping trip, everything in my life went to pieces. I lost Jessica, Got Bethany, Lost Bethany, Lost God, and ended up alone outside an abandoned house I once knew as my own.
If Bethany really loved me, she never portrayed it. The way she gave it to me, she told me I was a 'pawn' used for a 'much larger purpose'. OKAY??? That's not how the typical woman gets revenge. If it is, I need to just stop dating woman.
AND THAT is my theory as to what happened. Jessica can think what she wants, but in reality...She was wrong about me not loving her.
As for actually Jessica, the current, today...She's turned into a rude, mean little wicked bitch of the midwest. God, I can't believe how she went from a loving individual to a hurtful bitch. It's sad, really. She moved on, and for the worst, if I do say so myself.
That's all you guys get about THAT though, so...MOVING ON.
So ever since my date with Ashley, we've sorta stayed in touch. Ashley seems to always be busy and never gets to talk so I've basically stopped trying to text her, but I text Mikaela every day. Mikaela and I have gotten to know each other a lot better, and while we have yet to meet, we will eventually and I'm hoping it's before the roads get to snowy.
I think Mikaela has been through a lot, personally, with dating and such. So when I told her I had feelings, I'm glad she took that and didn't stop talking to me. I'm honestly a great guy, but saying you have feelings for someone, great guy or not, so soon in a friendship, she had every right to stop talking to me. I'm just glad she didn't.
With how close I like to think we've gotten as friends, I have a pretty decent understanding in what she wants from a guy, through little hints and what-not. Mikaela wants a strong Christian man who will never deny Christ as their personal savior and who will treat their woman with love and kindness, be spontaneous, and occasionally remind in a creative way that their love is still as strong as day one.
I can pretty much do all of that except the 'Strong Christian Man' part. I'm trying to go back to church, but when I wake up Sunday morning, I get knots in my stomach and can't bring myself to drive to church. Nobody dies at church so I don't know why I won't go, but out of fear. Yet I have nothing to fear...So why, really WHY?
I'll figure THAT one out eventually.
As for our friendship, things are looking good, great actually. I'm happy and I'm hoping she is too.
I'm hoping this was a good enough update for you, lord knows it was long enough. I will post again when I can, but figure this can hopefully hold you over long enough until that time comes. Again, with no laptop, don't expect a post again this week, but maybe before the end of the month, I'll be able to post.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
My God guys, I've worked the past week strait and I won't have ANY days off until this upcoming Sunday. I'm pretty excited to be working every day, but hold onto your butts, because I only have one shift where I'm working all day, the rest average between 3-6 hour shifts. It's legit though, I'm getting those hours I've been wanting and even if its an occasional short shift, the point is, I'm working every day, which pleases me.
I'll start my full time at the new job somewhere in the next week and a half, if everything I've been told falls into place. I don't exactly know when things will exactly fall into place, but I know it'll happen around mid August. All I can do is for now is work when I'm scheduled and keep making as much money as I can, which hopefully will add up to be more than The Tree was paying me.
Sorry, but that's all I honestly have and I really wanted to post.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Sidenote: Yes, I love my car enough to be this silly. Get over it.
The worst part is, that same day, Nathans car had a issue too. His cars breaks exploaded while he was driving. Don't worry, he's safe, but he is without transportation now, unlike me. I still have my dads car as a back up vehicle. It's always there if I need it, but I just have to share it with my sister, which won't happen much since we both have our own cars. It's nice being secured that way.
Oh, not to mention that SAME night as all this car trouble, as I drove Nathan and Carolyn home in my DAD'S car...We run out of gas, because the gauge keeps going up and down above the E. I had to wake up my mom at 1am and have her bring me gas, which I felt HORRIBLE about. That was some day.
My new job has been keeping me extremely busy too, always having me work in the slots The Tree hasn't given me. Today is my first day off in over a week. I've been working between 5-13 hour days, depending, but I'm always scheduled. I even got offered a shift today, closing at The Tree, not our WOF location. I haven't responded yet, because I honestly don't want to work, yet I would really enjoy the money after finding out how much Freddy cost me to fix.
Turns out I needed a new Belt Tensioner and after the $68 tow about 2 miles, I was given the final bill of $278 to pay. I worked hard for my money this past month in July and I spent my largest majority paying to have my car fixed. I was NOT a happy camper. Oh well, I paid the man and drove my car home. It's good my new job pays me bi-weekly, because I'd be B-R-O-K-E all month otherwise. Though I still might be, I'm saving what I can out of my next check for my college payment next month. I'll owe $187 in September and $187 again in October. It's nice and easy. That's for 2 classes though. And I've already made my first payment.
So THAT was my fun week so far. Work, fix car, work, sleep, work, repeat...Except today I get to relax and enjoy a day off...If I don't work tonight. I haven't decided what I'll do yet. Most likely won't work though. I really just want to enjoy the day off and have some peace (AND STAY OFF MY FEET).
Still, out of all the bad this week has given me, I've still got a new job that gives me good hours and a way to succeed in my financial goals for 2013. I have A LOT I need to be SAVING for and this will help me out. A LOT.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Alright, this not having a computer business is really starting to get on my nerves guys. It seems like when I want to post a blog, it's really late past 11pm or its really early around 1am and everyone at my house is sleeping and every library in the U.S.A is closed for the night. It's quite unfortunate.
Last Friday, July 19th, I had a little get together for my birthday. Just hanging out, watch a movie, play some games, and chill. It was fun. I got to meet Sierra's boyfriend, let's call him R, for the first time. The interesting thing about R was that within the first 10 minutes, he wanted to talk privately and we got our feelings out of the way and he wanted me to look after Sierra and make sure they stay happy and together. We talked about more than that, but it was between us, so I share. In short, it was a great time to hang out with friends.
Well my birthday came up previously on the 20th of July and I never got around to posting about it, not that anything really exciting happened. Like last year, everyone worked, but my dad took me to Longhorn Steakhouse and I got a really good steak with, literally, the CREAMIEST mashed potatoes I've ever had in my life. It was really amazing and I'm glad my dad took the time out of his day to take me to lunch (my sister came too).
My waitress at Longhorn was my friend was last Fall, Kelsey, who was in my Math 20 class. She was really nice to me and we compared homework before class, because we were always there early. It was nice to see her again, but I found out she had transferred to a different college, due to her major and what she was getting her degree in. To end the night last Sat (wow, a week ago today), I worked the closing shift (5-10:30) at my new job. It was really fun and I'm glad I found a job that's sticking.
Sidenote: Just yestderday (Friday, July 26th) as I was driving to LT to work the opening shift at our WOF store, I got a call from WalMart wanting me to go in for an interview. I had to turn them down, because I already had a 2nd job, but I was really happy that I got considered for a job there. My dad said I should have gone to the interview, but I'm not greedy and I won't ask for more than I can handle. My new job told me if I got busy with my LT job, they'd fire me. I don't want that to happen, because of my new job.
Anyway, I am glad that things got better with my financial situation. As for my personal life, yes, we have finally gotten to that part of the post. Excited? I'm not. Sharing my life with you people seems to only give tabs on what I'm up to, you creepy stalkers are sick. It's a shame I love ya enough to keep posting, haha.
Well Ashley and I have fallen out of contact again, not much going on between us. I can't say for sure, but I feel like she doesn't much of like me anymore, which is sad since I'm a swell guy! Her friend Mikaela and I are getting along great though! Mikaela is really sweet to me and I appreciate that.
As for Nathan and Carolyn, I don't really know right now. If you'd have asked me and I would have posted 24 hours ago, I'd say things were going great! Last night...They were being stupid. I won't elaborate, because they might read this (probably a 99.999% chance they won't) and I don't want to get in trouble for putting my opinions out here. In short, friends forgive each other and I did just that. I'm not going to bother making a mess of myself , because of a few bad things happening.
Lastly, but certainly not least, we have Sierra. A lot has happened since my last post. Literally...A LOT. Sierra and I are complete best friends and she's the closest I've been to anyone in this past year. She matters a lot to me and as her best friend, it's my mission to make her happy, keep her that way, and fix anything preventing that. That includes seeing upcoming obstacles...Which I've been seeing. THIS...is where I'll put my opinions out there.
Update: Just as a quick update, Sierra broke up with her boyfriend a little over a week ago, after my little get together last Friday. The reason is because her ex-boyfriend, lets call him K, saw a photo she posted on Facebook Sat morning and FLIPPED OUT. He started telling her he's always loved her and has been waiting for her and doesn't want her to date someone else when he loves her so much, because it hurts.
Keep in mind, HE broke up with Sierra and BROKE HER HEART for the SECOND TIME 6 months ago. SIX DAMN MONTHS OF NOT TRYING TO GET HER BACK??? Not to mention he had a girlfriend in that 6 months he dated and said he loved. I don't buy it. Something fishy is going on here...
Well Sierra said she has always had a place for K in her heart and said she'll always love that man 100% no matter what. Gee, if it doesn't work, how will that make any other man feel? I'm not the jealous type, but that's sure make me jealous...And like she wasn't fully committed to the relationship. Ehhh...Let's hope that doesn't happen.
So there is your update guys. That's what happened to Sierra this week and what I've been trying to figure out is what's going on in her head during all this. I may trust her more than anything when she tells me things, but I don't know if she trusts me completely, just yet...
So her now CURRENT ex keeps wanting me to talk to her and convince her to date him again, since we got along so well at my get together that past Friday, but he doesn't realize that as her friend, we all just need to be supportive and if she want's to learn things the hard way, she'll have to. Not that she will, but if it comes to that, support is what she needs.
Sidenote: Does nobody remember that I am in love with Sierra? L.O.V.E...Remember?? I hate that everything is happening to Sierra and I can't do anything about it except give her advice. R wants me to get them back together, Sierra wants me to be supportive while she waits for K to finally date her (He said he needs to "change" and "be a better man" for her. HE IS GOOD.), and all I want to do is punch K and tell him he is a horrible man. Sierra is a good woman, she deserves a good man, but after all he's done to her the mind, he has to add the mind games now?
I haven't even met K, and I plan to (Sierra agreed I would eventually), but everything he's doing...What is his game? Sierra is going to get hurt, that's all I see...I want to be wrong, I want her to be happy and in love and not have to worry about being alone, but I'm scared guys. I'm worried myself to tears a couple of times this past few weeks and it hurts. It hurts to know that you're doing everything you can to help someone, but you never know if it's enough or if you can protect them from the pain they could encounter.
K gets one chance with me. If they date for the 3rd time now, I will give K one chance. Hopefully we get along and I can be honest with him, but Sierra just wants peace. I'll do my best, for her...
IN OTHER NEWS, I don't work at my new job this week, because I didn't get my schedule for LT in time to tell my new Manager. Oh well, I'll still get my hours at LT. That's good.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Sierra...She was it. I felt that spark again, that something pure that twinkles in your heart and makes you feel all warm and smile for no reason. I wanted her to be mine, and had the tools. Only problem? I'm not her type. It's confirmed at this point. I'm a larger man who isn't a country boy. Her new boyfriend is her type. He's a lucky man too. I've said that though. More news too, about Sierra.
It turns out she's been using the L word these past few days. Y'know...Love. At first, I laughed really hard and had to tease her about it (because I don't believe you can love someone that soon), but then I really got to thinking about it. Sierra has known this man for 3 years and now is finally dating him. It might actually be love...I don't rule it out. I'm scared guys...
Not for Sierra, but for the situation I'm in. She was finally able to move on, past her ex and find someone else. She had options though, many others, not just me. She didn't really have to look so hard. Just kinda picked one. One that fit her type. I'm not even upset about it.
All I was upset about was Alexis lying to me about Sierra's actual feelings. I had to assume Sierra flirting back meant reciprocated feelings...Instead it was all in my head, that was just how our relationship was. It's how we communicated...And only at work. I still try to make plans with Sierra outside of work, but she has no time for me outside of work. I don't hold that against her though, I'm not her whole world, just the work part. She's that one person in my life I could never stay mad at...After all, I love her. I mean that as her friend now, I love her so much and would do anything for her.
She can crash my party anytime.
She'd get that reference, that's how I know too. I know not everything in life revolves around woman and dating and love and happiness, the sharing of memories, and good feelings. I'm very aware of that, but don't you wish it was? Some days, I just want to climb into my care and drive until I run out of gas. Make some new friends where I end up and never go home. I can't do that though.
Last night, I was working with Sierra and I was pretty tired, out of it, she thought it was pretty funny. I remember saying something about "peace, love, and pain" as we were walking to our car, I didn't remember why until the next day and thought about it. When we're born, it's nothing but peace. It's all we know and the world is a mystery. Then we find love and experience it with someone new and enjoy it and have all the warm feelings we never knew we had until that moment...Until the pain sets in. The love ends, fades, falls apart like the decaying ruins of an old Mayan cave. We live in the pain, try to sift through the salvage of memories and eventually find peace again. Then that cycle repeats. Forever.
I thought about it really hard and in my deepest thoughts, wondered how I'd thought of this when I was half asleep last night. Who knows. it was just really made me think is all.
Well I hate to skip ahead to the current, but lack of computer means I have to skim a bit. As to what's going on right now with Sierra and myself. I don't know anymore. She's my best friend, I love her to death. I'd die for that woman, but as far as getting something back...Some days differ to others.
That's human nature though, we use each other. I can't hold that against her. She's beautiful. I can't ever stay mad. that last paragraph and this one had a few hours pause because I was on FB and had some phone calls so this paragraph was intended to be A LOT different. It's fine now though.
God. The big man himself. He should do something, right? NOPE. I have to want him to. Ehh, I'll try. I promised myself and God both that I'd try to find a church if I got a full time job. I got one. OH YEAH! I never told you guys, but I found a full time job, sure did! I'm now a full time worker at a local store in city, I'll start in August. Or late July, depends. Either way, I'll be to busy to have a social life anyway.
I have been trying to find other things to talk about happening in my life other then people and problems and my personal life falling to crap, but I can't really do that without boring you guys. You want the deets, I know that. I just give it to you strait.
In that phone call I had tonight, with Alexis, it really helped me out. She listened to me and I cried and told her how I felt and really let things out, and it felt good...I finally had someone who could listen to me and hear me cry and not push away. It was nice.
The funny thing is Lloyd also called me and he immediately thought that I had a Bethany problem. God, I laughed so hard, which I needed honestly. He was relieved that it wasn't that kind of problem, but seriously, he thought I still talked to her and possibly hung out and such? Bwahahaha, that made my night right there. I'm looking to fix things with Jessica, I could care less about Bethany. I'll never go back to her as even a mild friend. NO THANKS.
OH! I tried texting Tracy today too. I only lost her as a friend, because she didn't know the whole story between Jessica and myself and she's a good, loyal friend. I'll give her that. If I had a friend who would stick with me no matter what, through anything in life, I'd feel honored. Jessica is a lucky woman, with a bright future too! Just read her new blog site, she has been so strong these past months, taking all the problems in her life, throwing em' on the grown and conquering the task ahead with the attitude of a champion!
That's the Jessica I knew, she's been nothing short of frosty these past months and I couldn't be more proud of her! It shows me that God is ultimately the one in charge, because not everyone stays on the ground, hurting. She found Sam, she found a way to smile again. That's what I love about life.You find a way. Well, she does. That's how she rolls.
My life is a glob of this and that these days, not sure how to go about living in that little glob I call my life, but it's not a bad thing all the time. The voices in my head aren't too annoying. It's just those nights I'm up till 2am thinking to much, like tonight, haha.
I'll try to borrow my sisters computer again in a few days. I have some days off for a change this week. As for now, I'm gonna listen to some Spotify music! Do you guys want a song? It's been awhile. Hmmm, lets see if I can find something fitting to the post...PERFECT!
Friday, June 28, 2013
I know what you're all thinking. Either "I hope you're okay, I'm sorry" or "I am enjoying these plot twists and your suffering". If you are thinking the latter, you a sadistic and cruel person and you need help. As for those who genuinely care, there's nothing I can do. I've helped her through her last break up and if I have to do it again, assuming it doesn't work, I will. I hope it works out for her though.
Sierra is my best friend and over everything else, I just want her to be happy for once. So many bad things have been going on in her life, that I feel she needs something to hold onto and remind her that there is still love in this world. Though she didn't reach out for me in the end, I still wish her the best.
When you've been around for almost 20 years, you learn a few things about love. Either through self taught pain or through someone you know. It's better ingrained when you learn it yourself and I have. I know love isn't easy and everyone just wants to find someone to complete them, but there are also some people who need to STAY single and just enjoy the ride while they can.
Trust me, being single was easy until today. When you have so much hope for someone, you can't imagine them choosing someone over you...Until it happens and your world collapses. I guess I have some explaining to do.
Anyone remember my friend Alexis from high school? She was in my Tech Theatre class when I had that crush on Tiffany. Anyway, Alexis and Sierra are best friends again (JOY...ish) and Alexis has been telling me for the past 5-6 weeks that Sierra is gonna date me, but I gotta keep flirting and working on our relationship. SO I HAVE BEEN FLIRTING AND WORKING ON IT.
Then today Sierra lays the BOMB on me that she's dating some dude named Ryan. All this work for what, nothing? No, she's still my best friend so of course not. We have some good memories...When Alexis isn't at my job during Sierra's shifts stealing all the attention with her new boyfriend Timothy. Sierra told me that Alexis and Timothy have been pushing her to date Ryan for awhile now because it'd be great. Then today Alexis goes and texts Ryan saying he needs to ask out Sierra. He does and she said yes...Under pressure no doubt. Or not...I can hope.
I used to like Alexis until now. She lied to me, betrayed me, gave me bogus advice, and pretended to be my friend like a two-faced....Well, she wasn't my friend, it turns out.
Have you ever known someone that makes you feel more like entertainment then a friend? Like you try to be there friend, but you don't get that same vibe back from em' that you matter enough? I don't know about Alexis, but I get that vibe from her...I just ignored it though, because I knew she was Sierra's best friend. Now I'm walking away. I can't deal with Alexis anymore if this is how I'll be treated.
I am still in love with Sierra too, that's the worst part. I know that I didn't want to fall in love, but I did. My heart wanted Sierra and so I pursued her. Things went great, because at first, Alexis and Sierra weren't friends anymore...But when they became friends again...Everything in Sierra's world was about Alexis. Everything revolved around her...I was no longer her best friend at work, because Alexis was there at work talking to her for the ENTIRE shift and afterwards and I was just the guy who had to smile and play along.
I won't do that anymore.
Oh Sierra...I don't even know what I'd do if I won. I'd have my happy dance for sure, but now I have to wait MONTHS down the line for this thing she has with Ryan now to end. IF IT DOES!! Who even knows if he's not the one for her? I DON'T KNOW! That's what scares me...I could be a 95% success, but he could be a 89% which is still really good...She'll never know now if it works with me or if she, God forbid, actually falls in love with him...
I hate saying this, but I got hints from Sierra, nothing solid, but I can only assume...Sierra doesn't like...That I'm a plus size man. I know it sounds ridiculous and I know Sierra enough to say she doesn't judge like that, but...dating...her history is consistent...Skinny country guys, some with facial hair. I'm a plus size man with no facial hair (against my will) and I only got into country when she listened to it a lot...It kills me to think that, but what can I do? Wake up tomorrow and take away my stomach? I WISH...!!! No, I just have to suffer, it seems.
I really hate saying that too, but I think it's true...I KNOW HOW IT SOUNDS...
I'm not saying that I like it anymore than you do. It sounds awful and I know better, but you can't help but wonder...If I had been 60 pounds lighter and didn't have so much fat on my body...Would Ryan still look better than I do? It's painful to see all these men having nothing but lust for my best friend and I sit here feeling genuine love, the kind that lasts forever.
I was moments away from crying at one point, because all this hard work and now I'll feel horrible if I flirt with her, because she's in a relationship...I JUST WANT MY DAMN BEST FRIEND BACK!!!
I don't want to be in love, I don't want to feel so horrible, and I sure as hell don't want to lose her in the end!!! I have to keep a cool head though and be supportive and it's so painful to even smile when she talked to Ryan on the phone tonight. She friggin called him in front of me. She could have waited 5 minutes, but instead she chose to, unwanting I'm sure, torture me more. My heart had already deflated, she was just grabbing a stick to poke the pieces at that point...
In defense, I make jokes, I find a way to smile and pull attention away from me, and it worked. I weaseled my way out of it and went to my car to head home. I can't do this. I almost killed myself trying to get over Bethany, literally ALMOST physically killed myself.
If my heart does this to me again, Satan's gonna grab hold and take me down. I won't be able to stop it either. I've just gotten out of depression so bad I didn't want to leave my house or find a reason to keep living, yet now I am at the doorstep of death, wandering if I can peak in the window without going in...
I'm sure I'll be fine when I wake up. You know me, fake smiles and pushing away the pain, that's my thing...
In other news, Ashley has been talking to me again, who knows, maybe she was busy, but we've been getting along great the past two days. She isn't as busy anymore. I'm thankful, I enjoyed talking to her. She also has a nice friend Mikaela who talks to me. She's super awesome and great to chat with also! Ashley and Mikaela are super attractive too, I like that.
To bad they live in Kansas.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
So after my date with Ashley, I felt good and confident about how things went. We'd been texting for weeks and we really liked each other and though I had, and still have, feelings for Sierra, I went on this date since Sierra said she'd like to stay single right now. Well the night after my date with Ashley, she stopped texting me as much and got really "busy" and then told me she thinks we should just be friends.
Uh huh...Go on Zach....
Then the following days, I got one word replies IF I text her first, otherwise nothing from her in a day when I normally got my phone blown up with messages. She ended up telling me she'd be "busy" for the next few weeks and all kinds of other things I didn't really believe.
MY FEELINGS AREN'T GLASS WOMAN, JUST TELL ME IT DOESN'T WORK!!
Anyway, I stopped texting her, because I don't need fake friends who are to afraid to be honest. If she doesn't like me, FINE, I AM NOT GOING TO CRY. I already told her up front I liked Sierra too, honestly more than her. I've been trying like hell to get Sierra to date me, but more and more stubborn she is. Nahhh, I like a good chase. I'm Sierra's best friend and that's always gonna remain true. I don't mind building our friendship even more this summer, just gives it a better foundation on which we can share together if she does decide to date me.
The only problem...She is still in love with her ex.
I realize a lot of woman get hung up on there ex when the guy does the leaving, but at the same time, he is missing out on something beautiful and rare. HIS LOSS. A good guy will snatch that up before he can come back to ruin things again. Only Sierra is waiting for him to come back....I just know it. I can't confirm that, but seriously, he had such a huge impact on her life and they have all these cute text photos on Facebook and I know she loved him more than other boyfriends she had...I just have to wait for her to wake up on day and realize he's not worth waiting for.
Another reason is probably her living situation. It's not the best and honestly, it's not mine to discuss so I'll keep it between us, but I'm trying to be here for her as best I can. She needs a friend who won't judge, but a friend who will always be there to help her through everything. I'm trying to be that man.
Love is a complicated thing. I've been single over a year now and though my break-up with Bethany (a lot of woman in this post today, huh? hahaha...) didn't go so well, considering how Bethany chose to leave me, I hope she and her new boyfriend Jonathon (Hope I spelled that right) have something nice together. As long as she's happy, that's what matters. I wish the same for Jessica and her new boyfriend Sam too (I had to mention that last woman, couldn't resist). I just hope Bethany takes Mon/Wed/Fri classes at Maple. I don't want to see her.
As part of letting her go, I've grown to not take her bullshit anymore. She even tries talking to me, I'll snap at her and make sure it's the last time we communicate. I know she tries to take advantage of the moments she see's me, trying to prove she has power of me every time, but I'd like to see her try now and today. That would really get me going and I'd let OFF some steam. To much Bethany in this post, MOVING ON.
I love Sierra, I can finally use the L word and know I'm not just saying it. I want to be there for her and prove to her that we can work. It's probably going to take the rest of the summer though, which is fine. After her birthday yesterday, where she finally turned 18 years old, I am hoping she can see through my gifts and know that there is a man in love with her. A man who will wait as long as she needs him to. Our friendship is more than just feelings, we are best friends and we love to hang out and be ourselves.
I think I'm finally getting to the point where she can tell me anything and know I won't judge her. It's always been that way, but she has some walls up from her ex. Who doesn't? I have my own walls and there are things, even though I love her, that I don't share. She knows about my past though and she still accepts me. That means a lot.
Anway, other than all the girl talk, I've been getting some good hours at work. I'm still on the search for a second job, but after I post this, I'm on my way to get an application where a friend of mine works. He said he'd put in a good word for me and his word is good. Seriously, he makes good money...
He said he wants a second job because he has expensive tastes. I DON'T!! I have very affordable tastes, haha...This is how I know I'll love my job if I can get hired where he's at. I can start saving for a new car, college in the fall/spring, E-fund as a back-up, and when all thats done, I can stop in at Gamestop and eventually pre-order a Playstation 4 and Call of Duty: Ghosts! I SUPER WANT THAT GAME!!
I'm most excited for Disney Infinity though!! It looks AMAZING!! I'm getting that for my Wii U because it's Disney and the DLC's for Disney are usually good with being on Nintendo Consoles. Seriously, If Nintendo screws me over on DLC content AGAIN, I will NOT be a happy camper. Sony and Microsoft are always giving out DLC's, but Nintendo drops the ball for a lot of games. The only game I've gotten great DLC's were with Fire Emblem: Awakening. That's my favorite 3DS game too, so it made it a SUPER bonus for me!
Anyway, I'll stop there and let you guys know how the job search goes, along with more on Sierra. Just keep in mind I'm not going to be all excessive as I have been before. My blog has a lot of content it shouldn't already in prior posts. Some things need to stay in my head and I'm realizing that now, more than ever.
Sidenote: I fixed the tags on my blog so they're only names of people. You want to keep in on the deets with certain people in my life? You now have an easy access to the posts without trolling through my posts. ENJOY THAT LUXURY!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
So I downloaded an app. called Skout months ago that let me talk to singles in my area, really dumb and ended up being incredibly stupid. All anyone wanted to do was talk dirty or bore me with pointless conversations I never cared about. I stopped using it until about the last week of May.
Ashley, a beautiful woman living in KS used "Shake to Chat", which randomly selects a user on the app. That "Shake to Chat" matched her randomly with me. I replied expecting it to be the same as any other user, but she ended up being really nice and the more we began to talk, the more I found out about her.
First of all, for this app, it was VERY impressive that she had a Christian background. It was also nice that she was around my age, I believe it was 20 years old, but I'm not sure. Anywho, we got along really well and transitioned to texting by the end of the week. By the time I was in Branson, we were really impressed with each other and wanted to meet.
So I said when I got back from Branson we could. We had gotten to know each other so well, instead of making it two friends hanging out, we made it a date! I got back from Branson, and on June 11th, I drove over to KS and we had breakfast at Denny's, followed by a walk in the park. It was super fun and she was WAY MORE BEAUTIFUL in person then any picture ever depicted (and they did a GOOD job too)!!
Overall, it was a fantastic date and we decided to see how these next few days would go to decide if we can have a 2nd date anytime soon. I hope she wants a 2nd date too. I tried not to be nervous, but I couldn't help it...My brain became empty of all questions and I mumbled the dumbest things. I tried not to talk to myself, but I did that too. Gahhh....I am not good at dates. Finding love is hard. I have the pressure of doing Gods will and finding Gods match on top of trying to find someone who makes me happy. It's hard.
I don't know, I guess I'll know more in the following days. I snapchat her friend too and she seems to like me, but I haven't met Ashley's friends yet. I hear nothing but good things though! It's going to be really great to meet them and if I get brownie points in with her pals then I'm golden! I want to stay friends with Ashley until we become closer friends, but in the long wrong, I can see us together.
You see this random girl appear on my blog from thin air and wonder about Sierra, right? I knew it. Nothing gets past my readers (I would guess). Well Sierra keeps pushing me away saying she wants to be single until the end of the Summer. Shoot, with how good things are going with Ashley, she's going to lose the chance to date me. I learned my lesson in cheating with my crappy Bethany/Jessica situation. That screwed me over so bad. I will NOT repeat that again, do I look stupid?
I already told Sierra that I won't deny Ashley a chance if she won't take it and Sierra said to go for it. Sierra doesn't realize that we have a strong friendship and nothing says friendship then dancing like a complete idiot during work while you gather all the trash in the store, lip syncing your favorite song! I know Sierra has all these guys in her head, but I just don't want her to get involved with the wrong one. It wouldn't bother me so much if she wasn't turning 18 this June.
She's going to be legal and she has some guy friends who WILL push the boundaries...If she gets hurt, I'll have to hurt someone in return. I need to stop worrying, so says all my friends. Sierra is just going to miss out. I've been told to just try with Ashley, because she really does seem interested. I agree fully, which is why I went on this date. I'ts time I stop being so stuck on the past or attached to people I'm "familiar" with.
Ashley came out of nowhere and made me SO HAPPY and now I feel blessed to know her. This date was what I've needed. I won't be nervous next time either, we've finally met and she truly is the wonderful, sweet woman I've been texting the past few weeks. Her Christian background is the thing I've been freaking out about the most, IT'S SO AWESOME!! I've always had a secret list of what I want in my future wife and while I'm on a date, I would ask a few key questions. One of them was religion. It's a big topic and can make or break a lot of relationships.
For me, I'm open about my Christianity, but I feel ashamed that I walked away from God. I tell people that too, if they must know, I'm honest. The fact that Ashley is a Christian and accepted me made me feel great and that's really a true friend test. That and showing her my blog...2009 till current...I've made a lot of mistakes, but grown from them as well. The woman who can accept me for that is a keeper, haha.
Enough of my ramblings for now, I'll just say that today was a fantastic day and my date went SO WELL!!
Sidenote: Denny's has Apple Pie French Toast, SO FRIGGIN' GOOD!!!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
I love how Sierra is virtually the only person I can be honest with and she takes things like a friend should. She doesn't over-react or throw her opinion in there immediately to feel like she's contributing. Sierra is a good listener and can take what I say with an open mind about it all. I love that about her! She is so amazing and sweet to me, even when I tease her at work.
The fact that we've been open about my feelings makes our friendship even better. It's like, by telling her I have been growing some feelings for her, she and I have just kind of used that to get even closer. I don't know 100% if this is true, but I'm about 99.834% sure that Sierra can be honest with me about anything or talk to me about anything, including problems.
The whole point of friendship is that you can trust someone enough to share problems, joys, successes, and sorrows with them, all in the hops to have someone there to support you or help if needed. I want to be all of those things for Sierra BEFORE I date her. I have seen myself change in the past year and this time being single has shown me some things.
Sure, I walked away from God as a result, but I still pray every night. I don't care if you judge me and say that God is the only way to find redemption. I gave it my best 110% go a year ago, but Bethany is just ONE example of how the church could treat me. God is everywhere, NOT JUST IN CHURCH, so let me live my life for God how I want. I listen to 91.9 Air One Radio all the time, but I also enjoy the country music Sierra has gotten me to love again.
I'm not a bad person, I'm a good person, and yes I'm still religious, but I've just stopped being so hardcore in church activity. I did tell Michael I'd try out this church his friend runs, but my work schedule has me always busy and I get home late on Saturdays so I can't get up for church on Sundays. Sure, those are excuses, but I'll go when I am ready. If you rush me, you're only going to confirm how I feel about the Church and all the posers in it.
Not everybody is a poser though, I know that by personal experience. Michael has treated me with more respect in our years friendship then I've gotten from personal friends in my life. I respect and love that man more than I have any other man in my life, but I can't say that for other members of the church. Bethany was my best friend, we hung out, talked about everything, watched movies, and had the best times. Then she decided to treat me like a piece of garbage. I was so confused, I blamed Church and all it's horrible influences that people use, saying "God said this..." or "God wants us to do that..."! ENOUGH! I am not going to be manipulated by the people in a church again, I've crossed out the option.
So get mad at me if you think I'm a horrible Christian, but wasn't it Jesus who said "Don't judge, lest you too want to be judged."? I choose not to judge people, but to love them. Sure, we all have opinions. Bethany and Jessica both think I'm a cheater. Bethany has no right because she deceived me into cheating on Jessica. I am forever ashamed of that and it WILL NOT happen again.
I sure hope Bethany has had time to reflect on her actions, because it will be forever with me. I also hope she's changed and is back to her old fun self again, because through my sources, I know she has a new boyfriend and I sure hope he's having better luck then I did.
Jessica and Bethany both found replacements for me pretty quickly, if you think about it. What's the rush though? Life is short, sure is, but I don't need to find my happiness in other people. I told Sierra I had feelings, but that's not going anywhere. At least, not right now.
I talked to Sierra last night at work and I think she likes another guy more than me. It sucks to hear that you tried, but someone else might win, but I'm her best friend, that's winning enough for me. I told Sierra last night that I care about HER more than the idea of us being together. If she thinks she'll be happier with this other guy (remaining nameless for now), I would encourage her to date him. I told her not to let the feelings of myself or any other guy that wants to date her stand in the way of her happiness. I will always be her best friend, no matter what, but she has to make the choices that make HER happy.
I know it's text book best friend, but it's true and stands. I only want her to be happy. I felt like Bruce on "Bruce Almighty" when I said that, when he prayed to God, because it was so textbook cheesy and best friend expected. Who cares, I meant it. I pray for a lot of people every night, some who probably don't expect or deserve the prayers, but I pray anyway. I believe the power of selfless prayer can go a lot further than the bitterness of a grudge against someone.
I've made mistakes that I must live with, some I may never be forgiven for, but I am on the path of change, and have been for awhile. Look at me, enjoying my life for a change. Nothing sad is in this post at all! Sure, I'm finding out that I may not get to date Sierra, but that's not sad at all. She's still my best friend, I still get to see that beautiful face most days in my week (thanks to my Manager always scheduling us together), so am I really losing? Not really. Even if she had a boyfriend, that wasn't me, I'd probably see her more in a week then he would. SCORE!
Not to mention it saves me a little extra cash for more games (I'm being optimistic, shut up, haha)! Anyway, I'll wrap up this video with an awesome video I like from BlimeyCow. Enjoy your week and I'll post again soon.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Oh man, this week has been great for me. Just to be fair in the timeline, I'll clarify from my last post so your not confused. Jessica and I had a HUGE conversation on May 11th (thank God I saved one of the message archives, I didn't know I hadn't posted in so long) and she decided it would be smart to have a GROUP conversation with me and include her NEW boyfriend, Sam.
I feel like that was entrapment, but I wanted to prove to her I had really changed and just wanted her friendship, so I agreed silently and didn't say anything when it became a group conversation. We had our words for over an hour and in that span of time, a lot was said. I pleaded my case as best I could, but she did a good job in bringing up the past.
Side note: The past can be solid evidence for why a person won't change, but when you use the same examples over and over, it's annoys me. Yes, I've made mistakes, STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE!
Anyway, I did my best guys, but damn...She has some problems with me I didn't even know about. I can't change what I've done in the past and I have made my share of mistakes, especially in my relationship with Jessica, but I was trying to reassure her that I had changed for the better this time (Yes, I know how "This time..." sounds), but she wasn't buying it.
I had to let her go, regretfully. Maybe there was a part of her that wanted me back as a friend, but I guess the stronger side said not to trust me, which I fully understand. As humans, we have safegaurds protecting us from the hurtful things in like, especially the hurtful PEOPLE in our lives. I was more hurtful towards the end of our friendship in her eyes, I guess. I don't blame her, I blame the situation and how things turned out. She got the short end of a bloody stick and people got hurt. I blame myself for that.
I only hope good things come out of her future and I hope when my sister goes up to Northwest in August, Jessica will be the kind person I know she is and take my sister under her wing. I'm not a horrible person, but I've made some horrible choices, I'm hoping she doesn't hold anything against my sister through this, because I want my sister to have some friends when she gets to college.
This past Saturday was FREAKING AWESOME though! I worked 9am till 2pm (left around 2:40 though) and got ready for Sierra's graduation party! If anyone doesn't know, Sierra is my best best BEST friend ever! I love her to death and would do anything for that woman. She told me that a lot of her family from Iowa would be at her party, but she didn't say that only a few of her friends would show up...for a few hours...or only pop in for a few minutes...THAT'S OKAY THOUGH! She's my best friend and I got tons of brownie points with her awesome family for making it through the day! WHOOT WHOOT!!
Side note: Sierra is my best friend, but a few months ago, we started getting closer and the more we hung out...The more I enjoyed Sierra's company...Eventualy, it turned into a crush I was embarrassed to admit to her. I didn't even tell my friends Nathan and Carolyn until April. Well, eventually, I told Sierra I liked her and she told me if she didn't want to be in a relationship if she had to go back to Iowa at the end of the summer (which may not happen, I'm working on it), because she's not good at long distance.
So it became out in the open that I liked her. You know what they say about strong friendships? BOOM! We had one so my confession about liking her didn't ruin anything! We're still best friends and I don't care either. I'd rather she know then for me to keep it inside and always wonder "What if...", because she took it so well!! IT WAS A WIN-WIN IN THE END!!
Well, back to Sierra's graduation party, I got there a little past 4pm (I didn't want to be the wierdo there right at four so I left my house at 4pm instead) and stayed until around 11:20pm. I outlasted all her friends combined! I was the best friend everrr!! Plus I was the last person to leave her party (I made sure I didn't overstay my welcome too, I wanna brownie points...Not negative points), which was awesome!
After her party though, as I was driving home, I began to think about our friendship and I think, maybe...I like our friendship not advancing. If she said I could date her, I'd jump on that opportunity, but where we are in our friendship isn't quite as strong as I want it before an advancement in our friendship. I get nervous around her, I don't want to touch her (even poking), and I always curb my language around her, because I want to be a good friend. I think when we get to where we can hang out and do things NOT related to work, I'll try to mention dating...But I'm going to wait.
She still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend, I think...I know how hard it is to get over someone, but I don't want to be a distraction if we date, I want to her boyfriend. I can wait, I'm good at being patient these days. I know a thing or two about waiting for the flowers to blossom and right now, our relation ship is only a budding seed. It needs more sun and rain before It can become what it's meant to be.
Well I left the party and went to bed after I got home, waking up to my AWESOME sister's graduation day. I love how FourSquare lets you post where you're eating or shows people what your doing in real time. It's really neat if you ask me, but Lloyd keeps spamming my phone with his annoying log ins at his dumb church in Oak Grove.
Lately, Lloyd has made me wonder about our friendship. We weren't all that close until I became his accountability party, and he mine. Though we've only met three times (twice while I was dating Bethany), once I wasn't dating Bethany, he seems to stop caring as much. Though I knew he did, at that point, these days...I question if he even wants people to know he's associated with me. I feel like he thinks I'm not "Christian enough" for him...Like I'm just a big disappointment...I know that's probably not the case, but I can't fully believe that it's a lie I'm telling myself and that's what bothers me.
He just got his ministers license and he's being blessed by God so I'm truly happy for him, which is mostly why I've kept this to myself, but lately, it just really bugs me...I don't know why, honestly. I've become to use to losing people in my life that one more loss shouldn't really affect me. There's something special about Lloyd though, he was my accountability partner. That means he's supposed to hold me accountable for my mistakes and help me through them, but I'm to help him through his too. Nothing happens and I just want my friend back.
Enough of my ranting, you guys are well caught up on my "as of late shenanigens" so I'm going to go play some Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 on my Wii U before going to bed, I have to work, believe it or not.
Friday, May 10, 2013
So I tried to fix things with Jessica. I was taking it slow, making casual conversations, but then she got all bent out of shape for a few comments and we started arguing. She thought I wasn't going to change, so sure that I haven't, she tried provoking me to yell at her so she was right. All I wanted was to be her friend again, prove I had changed, instead I wasted a week trying to fix everything.
In addition, she gabbled her stupid mouth to my friend Tracy and when she got mad, she unfriended me off Facebook, erased my number off her phone and told me we weren't friends anymore, because of how I treat Jessica and my religious beliefs being the problem for everything. OKAY?? That was given to me randomly too. I was a little hurt, but Tracy was a my oldest friend and had no license, no job, an lived off her allowance from mommy and daddy, who baby her to much.
I tried to ask why she had to do this, but she stopped replying. Whatever. Proves what shit luck I have. I hate to say it, but Jessica has turned into someone worse than Bethany is right now. I don't see why Jessica was so hell-bent on making me to be some horrible person. I am not a horrible person! I made some bad choices, sure, but I was trying to prove that I had change and right when we had finally gotten past arguing, Tracy had to ruin everything!
Tracy complained about having no social life, but I don't feel bad for her now, considering she just walked away from my friendship like it was nothing of value. GOODBYE TO YOU TOO!! It's like she thinks I was expendable or something. No friend of mine can use me like that. She gets no redemption this time.
The worst part is that Jessica thought I wanted to date her again and started getting mad, saying that wasn't happening again. I DON'T WANT TO DATE HER AGAIN!! I just said on my last post that we'd probably still be together if Bethany hadn't done what she did. Life happened and things turned out not as they should have. Oh well. I adapted. Apparently all the kindness in Jessicas heart turned cold, because now she's a very negative person, with a grudge against me so strong, I could feel it through my cell phone when she text me.
Life is to short they say, well why am I still breathing then? It's to long if you ask me. I wish I could just kill myself and be done. Not over Jessica, not over Tracy or the drama she caused, or even anything in this post, but I'm talking about my life. More has gone on, but it wouldn't fit with the mood of this post so I'm withholding. I want to kill myself because the longer I'm here, the more problems I create for people. Read this blog, read any post. Unless you go deep into the archives, you won't find happiness in these posts. Most of it is my confusion in how I make the lives of other people horrible.
Granted, its probably a whole set of things, but in each situation, the blame is set on me. It's my damn existence that plagues the world with pain and sorrow and issues and I need to just kill myself so things can set back the way they should be. I don't even understand why it has to be this way. I just want to help me and make a difference, but I do the opposite, every time! I don''t ever want to date Jessica again, so why would she think that? I'm not going to do that to myself. She has a new group of friends that are probably horrible for her, but she likes them, who am I to judge.
I hope tomorrow never comes. I hope my existence can stop. I don't know how much longer my religious background can keep me from putting down the knife. One of these days, I'm going to screw this world and all I thought was worth living for and just take it to my neck, not stopping until the blood of my jugular spills into my sheets. I want my soul to leave my body and for me to face whatever doom I awake in Gods judgement room. Of course suicide means hell, but there are time when I just don't care anymore...
Untill next time, if there is one, I'll hope to find something positive to post about...Like maybe that crush I had. I have more news, but it doesn't fit with this content.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll find happiness eventually, but I'll be really skeptical before I allow myself to believe it's permanent or long term. I say that I see no point in getting up in the morning, which is true, but these past few weeks, or this past week more specifically, has really tried to change my mind. I just want to never wake up some days. I say my prayers every night, but I feel like not wanting to wake up voids out all prayers I make to God.
I'm to guy who walked away and been miserable ever since. Why don't I go back? I'm scared. Yeah, yeah, save your stupid little "that's the dumbest excuse ever" speech. I can't....WON'T go back, I can't. I'm to far gone and my fate is inevitable at this stage in my life. I need to just embrace the simple fact that I'll live a life filled with sadness, pain, regret, and sorrow.
I can't move past this for some reason. I know this is all a stupid, STUPID lie, but I can't stop believing it. I can't stop seeing no point to continue. Then why don't I just kill myself? I can't guys, I want to...I really do just want to stop everything, take the final breathe of my life, and die. Forever done with the sorrows of this life. I just can't...I guess my time in church has me to afraid to do it...I am falling apart, I AM APART. I am pieces of a person who used to know everything, or enough to get by. Now I'm just the jumbled pieces of someone with no purpose.
30 Seconds to Mars has a song called Alibi. It says "I fell apart...But got back up again." Well I can't get back up guys, I'm having one hell of a hard time finding a way to stand long enough to avoid my next attack. All I want is to feel that love I had last August. It was real, God was with me and I had never felt more sure of my purpose back then.
I wanted to be a youth pastor back then, because of how highly I thought of Michael (and still do, he's a great man)! Now I think I want to get a Music Technology degree. I figure God can't use me to help others anymore, so I should move on. I can really enjoy Music Tech because it's something I'm really interested in, plus is the only thing that could make me some real income.
The funny thing is I was listening a lecture in my Psychology class about a week ago and my professor was talking about responsibility and choices we make. We can chose to make "baby steps" (reference from a movie, What About Bob) to a positive future or negative one.
Example: One cigarette or pack of cigarettes a day is a BABY STEP to having LUNG CANCER later down the road. Brushing your teeth every day (twice) is a BABY STEP to having GOOD ORAL HYGIENE in the future. Exercising while your young and able is a BABY STEP to having good physical movement when your older. Etc, etc, etc...
It really spoke to me, because he said this also applies to every relationship in your life. You can chose to be selfish and take BABY STEPS to ruining your relationships or do the LITTLE THINGS that get YOU NOTHING but make the OTHER PERSON HAPPY (Yes, I'm serious). It helps you in now way, but it makes the other person happy and the selflessness will help the relationship stay strong.
My professor also said to have HEALTHFUL people in your life who make GOOD life choices and to avoid DESTRUCTIVE people who will BRING YOU DOWN with there poor life choices. He also said to take chances in love and if you find a healthful person and really like them, relationships are like climbing a later and you can't go up a few steps just to keep yourself from being hurt, if you REALLY LIKE THEM, he said to take your chances and climb all the way up the later, because SURE you can get hurt if you fall, but if your real lucky, they can make you happy and all the risk will be worth it.
I have had all this to think about when I wake up in the morning. I tell myself it's all about choices...Because it is! I just wish I had the strength to take those risks. I do have feelings for someone again, but I can't climb all the way up the latter. It makes me mad that I can't just say how I feel, but it might not work out anyway...Due to the situation...I always told myself Bethany was the only one I wanted to love, she was it, the one God picked out for me. I don't know anymore...I mean, I've stayed single because of how badly I got hurt...She basically climbed on the roof and pushed the latter away, causing me to fall without notice...
I am better, a lot better actually, but it seems Bethany left part of herself with me. I don't think she'll be 100% anymore, unless our friendship is healed...I was her first real boyfriend...I mean, I listen to all these examples in this unit my Psychology teacher talks about and he was talking about this guy who used to date his wife's sister...The guy really loved the woman he was dating, but one day without notice, he vanished off the face of the earth and she didn't know why. The woman was heartbroken and in a lot of pain, because of how much she loved the man. Well that guy showed up one day and asked my psychology professor (through email) if she was still single, because he ran away because he was scared...He was to afraid of the commitment that he lost the one good thing he had and said that was the biggest regret of his life. Sadly the man lost, because that woman got married to someone else years later and had been able to find love again.
I don't know if it's all in my head, but as this was being said, I thought of Bethany and my heart felt heavy...I had this feeling inside that I should do someone about us. I don't know if Bethany really left because she was scared, but on the chance she did...I'm not going anywhere right now. I am thinking about leaving KC for awhile though, go to college somewhere else...I don't know if I can live here and remember all the pain that I've had to experience. I have so many good memories in this room, SO MANY GOOD ONES, but yet....A few bad memories have taken place too.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS FALL APART 100%!!! I can't do it though, I fall about 99% and know that I can't do anything about anything in my life. It's takes two people to resolve an issue and I'm so afraid of Bethany becoming who she has been lately...I forgive her for all her bitter actions.
Bethany got a new job I found out lately, but when she saw me having lunch with my sister, during her break she chose to harass me and my sister...I forgive her actions, I just don't want that look in her eyes to be there forever. It was like her soul has been replaced with a entirely new creation. Her eyes used to show me kindness and love...I loved her eyes, how they expressed who she was so vividly....Now they have this totally new look in them...It scared me to death that she's gone forever.
I just want to take BABY STEPS to fixing us. I don't care if we don't stay friends, date again, or even stay in touch...I just want her to go back to who she was before this happened. All I can do is pray for her, which is a good start...A baby step, but I don't know what else to do...
MY LIFE! Go figure...Maybe it'll all be sorted out in the end....
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
So lately, this semester at college, I found out that it's bad to get a D in college, especially if FASFA is paying for your classes/books. I got a D last semeseter because I had an evil teacher from hell and I barely passed her class about COLLEGE SUCCESS. What a jerk. She was a mean woman too, thought I was a trouble maker when it was just the table I was at. She was to quick to judge and held grudges.
Anyway, that was the only D I got last semester, but because of that grade, FASFA put me on warning and said if I don't get a 2.5 GPA or higher with all my classes combined, they won't pay for next year. From hearing that, my dad said if that happens, he's making me get my own phone and charging me rent every month. WHAT A BUSTED AND JANK WAY OF ENJOYING LIFE!!
I found all this out because I took a "Fundamentals of Music" class to test out this semester and ended up being horrible at reading/writing music so I was talking to the financial aid office about dropping that class when I found all this out. Now I have to pull the F in my music class up to a C or I am screwed. Failing a class is not an option anymore. So much for dropping too, FASFA said no to that too! Not to mention the deadline to drop classes is tomorrow. ONLY MY LIFE!!
Through all this bad new though, the past 2 weeks have showered me with MANY, MANY shifts at The Tree. I've been working almost every day and it's been great, a lot of those days are 7 or 8 hours too! I didn't like the 4 hour shifts, but now that I'm seeming to pick up crazy good hours, my paycheck will finally be DECENT!! That's the only ray of good news, which breaks up these negative ones.
On the topic of work, I've never mentioned her (as a topic), but I work with my friend Sierra, who lately has grown to be my best friend. It's been really fun working with her, but that only happens once every two weeks or so. When we work together, we have a great time and we've even hung out a few times now (which I'm glad FINALLY happened). Well I always wait until its to late don't I? It's typical Zach behavior. We were working together to try and get a lot of shifts this year at WOF for The Tree, but knowing my luck, my happiness can't happen, can it?
I find out that when Sierra graduates (she's a senior this year) in May, she'll be moving back to Iowa (where her mom's family is). See my luck? I just screw myself over, emotionally, all the time. Here I am finally finding a new best friend (Nathan is still my best friend, don't forget that I can have more than one) and she has to end up leaving me. The worst part is, she could so easily stay in Missouri.
All she needs is a full time job, transportation, and a place to live. It seems so basic and simple, but yet it's harder than you'd think. I'm 19, 20 this summer, and I can't even find a full time job. I'm working part time at The Tree. If I could solve the issue of money, that'd make life surely a bit more manageable! Then again I need to learn how to save my money. Then I can start racking in the dough!!
I just want Sierra to stick around, y'know? She's my best friend and I care about her a lot! She wants to stay and the capability is so...SO EASILY ACCESSIBLE!! Bwahh...We will see!! I get two months right now and I'm going to make the most of it.
This about sums things up for right now. I just wanted to give an update since I haven't posted in a bit. I got a paper due this week and test Monday, plus I work all weekend (that's going to be exhausting), so I'll get off here.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
My song for Bethany:
Sunday, March 17, 2013
By no means do I mean that Bethany will "Miss Me" and come running back to me one day. I don't see that happening. What I mean is that she'll probably end up realizing what she's done to the full impact and have some regrets that she has to live with for the rest of her life. I'm come to terms with myself through this and learned that you shouldn't give everything to someone in a relationship, because of the chance of your heart breaking. Believe me, this won't be happening again. In fact, whoever I marry will probably be the most chill person in the world! Bethany is a fun person, great friend, and has an awesome view on life, it's just the little things that make people like me jump to conclusions, saying things like, "She has APD and overly represses her memories to make herself forget how horrible she was."
I don't really know what Bethany has, but if it's really APD, I'll never know. Everyone copes differently with a break-up. It's alright that she doesn't want to be friends anymore too. She and I now live in a world where if we see each other, we're not allowed to smile and say hello, having one of those nice chats before classes at Maple or suddenly realizes the other is free at a convenient time and makes plans to hang out. This doesn't get to happen to me anymore. The best part: I'm okay with it!
I used to see life as pointless without Bethany (which I thought would be flattering to Bethany), but the more she pushed me away...The more pointless it became to think that. Eventually I caved in, cold turkey on Bethany. I stopped texting her, I gave her all of her belongings back, and I walked away like a man. I just took all my emotions and shoved them away, deep inside of me, and tried being the bigger person. Accepting that we're never going to be in each others lives is hard, but it was the inevitable truth so long as Bethany wanted it that way.
That silly term my mom always told me, "It takes two to Tango." is so true. If I can get past how ultimately cheesy my mom can be with saying things, I can see that if I walk away from Bethany, she won't have to fight me. It's easier if I let her figure things out for herself. Not to mention, I've never held to much sympathy for Jessica since I broke up with her.
I was doing to Jessica was Bethany is...err, was doing to me. I just can't believe how cruel I was. On the plus side of things, Jessica is so very damn strong and she made it through. I know she's going to have a great deal of happiness in her life, because she is always a fun person. Those people always bring a good time in there secret bags. I'm never going to see Jessica again, so why should Bethany ever see me again? It makes since. Besides, I have one heck of a great summer coming up!!
But just to tease you, I'll make you wait until my next post to hear the awesome news of my upcoming summer! IT WILL BE MY BEST SUMMER EVER!!!