Monday, December 31, 2012

New Years Rap

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Beyond confused!

Should I be allowing your apologies to get past me? Should I accept or decline the apology after all you did to me these past months? Why would you even be thinking about me right now? Yes, I'm talking about Bethany. I'm so confused!

Bethany messaged me on Facebook. This is what she said:


There are a few things I'm leaving out, which led to this message, but this was her first message to me in months. I'm surprised. She says she cares about me and...she did all that she did? It's confusing. I'm having a hard time bringing myself to trust her again. I really am. I loved her, really loved her and she dropped me like a old sack of garbage. 

I began to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", but that just made me mad because I don't have the kind of forgiveness he does and even though I'm trying to become a better Christian, I can't seem to find the answers I need. So I asked her for a few.

She replied and was very polite about everything. She said she means what she said about caring about me and she said she missed what our friendship used to be. Does that mean she wants to be my friend or girlfriend again? I'm unsure on what she meant, but if she's wanting to be my girlfriend again, she's going to have to earn it with a month or two of pure kindness and good friendship. I was hurt and I'm not so easily manipulated these days.

In the end, we agreed that meeting up and her answering some of my questions would be the best, because I know how easily people can use words online to an advantage. Talking in person has an extra layer of honesty in it so I can tell if she's sincere. I just hope I'm not a fool in the end of this. I was moving on with my life and I was accepting that Gods plan in my life is bigger than I can ever imagine. I've been relying on him and trusting that his way is best, so this better lead somewhere good within me or I'll know it's not what God wants for me.

To be honest, I fully let go of loving her, but I never wanted to. I will lose myself if I trust her again only to lose it. I may seem strong, but really I'm just as weak as anyone else, if not more so...

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Tid Bit Lonely

It's times like this when I really wish things had worked out with Bethany. I miss the idea of us being happy, but more importantly, I miss the fact that I don't get to see Michael, Laura, Amanda, or Lloyd nearly as much, if at all!!

Let me clarify, I don't miss Bethany. I miss my church friends. Bethany dropped me like a old cheese in the back of the bridge. I was trash, garbage, and no longer important to her. If she can treat me like that, I shouldn't miss her, right? Okay, I miss her a little bit...but not enough to bother contacting her, because all she'll do is make me hate her more and if she keeps acting like a heartless bitch to me, I'll probably end up snapping.

I've moved on, the idea of us should too.

Now back to topic, I miss Michael most of all!! He and I would have lunch from time to time, keep in touch, talk about anything and he'd help with my problems. I respected him so much, and still do...I just hope he doesn't think I've walked away or stop talking to me. I honestly  miss the good times we've had. I know he has a baby now, which is the cutest thing ever, but I just miss talking to Michael, even if it was nothing at all.

Michael truly cared about me, like a real person should, like my own father should. I can talk to Michael about anything in the world and feel more comfortable than talking to my own dad. I respect Michael and his son is the luckiest kid in the world. I truly believe that.

I know that I'm working things out in my life right now, growing in who I am, etc...but I just wish I could speed things along. I don't know. Guess it's all in my head, I should be excited for my Christmas Party on Thursday, but instead I'm wishing I could see my church friends. I know I'll have a good time, my rap will be off the chain, but...oh never mind, it's not important.

Friday, December 21, 2012

A not so simple apology.

Okay, I'm not sure what's going on with my life right now. I'm single, like really single. I can live life for me, officially. No more secrets or using others. I'm growing up. I'm not running away. I always ending up tripping and falling in my lies and web of conspiracies. I'm really not as evil as I try inevitably make myself look.

You all want to know what the hell I'm talking about right? Me too. The truth is that I was lying to some people lately, but things resolved themselves on there own so I don't think I've still got an obligation to be honest, so i'm dropping things as they are and moving on to fix things in my life. No, that won't leave me with guilt or anything, but I'm finally all my own. I feel good that nobody was hurt and everything worked out.

Now all I have to worry about is my Christmas Party 2012!

Yes, I'm having a Christmas Party, calm down. No, you're not invited. Why? DO I EVEN KNOW YOU?!! My point exactly!

Hit me up on Facebook or details will not be shared. All that will be shared on my blog is the awesome Christmas Rap I'll be preforming! It's going to be legit dope! But enough with Christmas Party chatting, that's not for another week.

On a personal note, I'll be real with you guys. I think I'm changing from one bad person to another form of a bad person...I try to fight Satan when I can, but he knows when I'm weak...It's not hard to find. I miss my accountability meetings with Lloyd. At the time, I thought I was doing it for Bethany, but Michael saw reason for this beyond that and I need them now more than ever!

Lloyd always listened and now I like talking to him. He helps me out and I try to help him as I can. I know I'm not a strong Christian, but I know Lloyd is and our meetings keep me strong. I need to have them, but Lloyd's always busy, it seems. I hope he's okay. We don't meet as much, which is my fault. I'll take the fall on that one. I was in a bad place. Now I'm back and strong and I'm trying.

Sidenote: Also, I miss Michael. Since he had his baby, it seems I can never see him. I really miss him too though and now that there's no church till 2013...I'm not going to see him. It makes me sad.

I'm still in a bad place though, I see that. I get mad at my sister more than ever. I just...really don't like her these days. She comes across as fake and phony with EVERYTHING! It looks like she manipulates her friends and uses people. When she doesn't get what she want's, she plays the "poor me" card and calls either mom or dad. It's making me hate her. Literally hate her. I don't want to hate her, but I think I do...Or that's what I'm not done convincing myself that I don't.

I feel like a horrible person and brother, but I can't help feeling this way. ONE PROBLEM AFTER ANOTHER!!! No biggie, I got dis!

So I've been thinking a lot about music lately and I can just feel that 2013 is the year my music career really takes off! If you guys don't already know, Phat Love is my industry name. I'm do a lot of rap and a few other things, but I always make it dope!

That's all I really got for you guys this time. I'm working things out. I'm growing though. I hope to post the live rap before New Years!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

What's happened since then?

Hey guys, you're probably asking yourself a lot of questions since reading the lat post. Well I'm alive, that's the good part. I didn't post that blog though, sooo I changed my password and I have been logging in daily just to make sure nothing has happened on my site. So far, so good....

The only reason I kept that post is because if they so badly wanted to say that about me that they literally HACKED into my blog, I give them all the more power to get that opinion off there mind. So I guess it meant a lot to get people to hate me....I'm taking it down, reading that back makes me sound stupid.

ANYWAY!! I'm making SLOW progress on my Christmas song I'm writing for my party on Dec. 27th. I hope I can finish it in time, but so far it's not looking to good...I'll see what I can do. As for posting some long post about things, I'm tired, I just wanted to give you guys an update.

Enjoy you're warmer December weather guys!