Friday, November 30, 2012

What was I thinking this whole time?!

I can't believe I was stupid enough to think that Bethany would let someone love her. HAHA!! She's to afraid of being happy that she can't accept what I offered and today I finally realized I'm better than this. My friends ended up being right this whole time about her. I can't believe I thought otherwise.

I am so glad I began to see the light because loving her was like a plague and it would have killed me after a long enough period of time. The cure is to never love that woman and run away from the temptation of loving her again. I CAN DO THAT!! She is ignoring me, so now I can move on and live a life of fulfillment!!

I'm so glad I finally came to my senses, because it was  baffling to Nathan and Carolyn how I loved her so much and to answer, in short, I'm the kind of man who doesn't give up on people very easily. I have hope and believe in them for as long as  I possibly can, it's a part of who I am, how God made me.

She's to much for me to deal with anyway. our personalities don't match, she's to crazy, and I couldn't deal with her anger issues if I tried. I was lying to myself to think that God meant for us together. I NEVER WANT TO BE WITH HER!!! That's a thought that makes me feel...I don't even know.

Ehh, life happens and I respect her, but boy was she right to think we're not meant for each other. Normal and Crazy don't mix. I like my normal life, but her crazy might make mine way to complex for my liking. GOOD BYE!!

I wish we'd have at least kept a friendship though, that'd have made everything better for me. I wanted to be friends with her, since we could get along and all. Guess that won't happen. Oh well, won't cry over it anymore. I'm finally moving on!

THANK GOD!!!

Bethany stopped going to my church so I went for the first time in forever last Wednesday and it was great going again, I felt happy and knew God was there and feeling his presence again made me burst with joy!!

OH YEAH!!

I got to hold Michael's baby after service!! HE WAS ADORABLE!!!!

I LOVED HIM SO MUCH FROM THE SECOND HE WAS IN MY ARMS!!!

I literally died in happiness holding that baby, which never happens, trust me.

To Murphy, he gave me a flat tire this week, but luckily I got that situation all fixed and as of now, nothing is wrong with my car. Murphy is going big and has eyes on my brakes right now, but lucky for me, my dad saw they were getting worn and I'm fixing them when I get paid Monday! I'm glad for that too!!

Murphy is gonna back off pretty soon, but not after his last ditch effort to kill me.

Life is so damn fine right now!!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

As of late...

As of late, I've given up. Flat out done with Bethany at this point. I decided that if she can't see my harmless intentions and, more importantly, agree with them, returning the love I feel, then I have no choice but to move on. So I'm finally giving up.

I wish I could have ended this on a better note, but life isn't going to have that "perfect movie ending" so I have to give up. I'm going to walk away. If she decides that my love is the one for her in the future, she knows how to find me. I am going to stop texting her, try like hell to stop loving her, and move on with my life, for God.

Today is a new day, God has made, and I'm not going to let my own self pity bring me down. Only two people go to a pity party, you and the devil. NO THANKS SATAN!! I'm out.

Oh yeah! Also, as of late, Mr. Murphy has been follow me around, causing doom. 2 flat tires and 4 new tires for $176, a droped A-line, and a busted ball joint later Mr. Murphy has caused me to become broke for 2 months in a row. He's really pissing me off, but he can see that only so much can go wrong before he has to stop. Next stop, brake pads.

My dad noticed that my brake pads were pretty bad when we were getting 2 of my tires this week. Oh yes, imagine me driving with no brakes...NOT PRETTY!! I want to die a natural death, but dying in Freddy doesn't sound like the most fun idea...

Side Note: Mr. Murphy is a reference to Murphy's law and Freddy is what I named my car (Fredrick Brian Owen Love).

Anyway, so thanks to Murphy, I can't afford Christmas for a damn person this year, which really pisses me off!! My savings is gone, my paycheck has shrunk by $300 since Worlds of Fun closed, and I don't see a way to turn that around in time for Christmas.

So expect to see fewer posts about Bethany now, because if I'm going to truly be done with her, I have to stop thinking about her all the time, which means I have to stop talking about her in my blog. It's harder than it sounds, but I know I can do it...with time. Which is all I've had these past few months!! OH BOTHER!!

On the plus, I got my Christmas Party to look forward too! In exactly a month, I've gotta write and memorize a rap I told people I'd write...I promise to post it on here and my Facebook for you guys to see. The live version and "Studio" versions.

As for now, I'm content.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Transit of Venus

So lately, I've been addicted to Three Days grace since I heard this song on 98.9 The Rock, FM Radio.


So far, I've heard a few songs from the album, but it's really good!! My favorite song, so far is, The High Road. Here is the entire album for you, thanks to Spotify! Enjoy it and take a listen to The High Road, you'll see why I like it.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Possibly getting better

I might get a job at Chipotle this week. I had a 2nd interview today and I feel as though it went great for me. I could be wrong though, but I'm pretty positive about it. I want to post a blog and not mention Jessica or Bethany or WOMAN in general, as a whole topic, but there's no escaping it. Not to mention the few of you who feed off my all to crappy love story. You people are twisted, but I love my fans, no matter who they are, if I have any, that is.

Well still no progress with Bethany, nothing more to add. I can only speculate so much before I give up and I'm at the point where I've walked away myself and I'm beginning to grow used to her not being around. I have an example to help show this, but don't think of me as to twisted.

Remember in New Moon how Bella was after Edward left? She spent months in pain, screaming in her sleep, a hole in her chest, no comfort for her pain unless she had an adrenaline boost, which only lasted temporarily.

For me, I had my months of pain, but I never lost sleep. Sure, a part of my heart was gone, forever it seemed, but I found comfort in the things Bethany left at my house, old memories I have, and the blog posts of our good times. I don't blame Bethany anymore, I give her credit. It took a lot for her to walk away as she did. She wouldn't just tell anyone she loved them so I know she had real feelings, but I got the short end of the stick is all.

I can't complain about that, I've grown accustomed to that; being cheated, that is. I don't worry about it much, it happens to us all, just more frequently does it come my way. Bethany is a sweet woman, she cares about people, but she just needs people who get her.

I get her.

I got who she was on a level not many could comprehend. Yeah, I know how it sounds coming from me, whose been without contact for months (other than Facebook/text). She doesn't want to text me, because she'll prove to me I was in her thoughts, but that's alright.

I'm not ashamed to say that I think about her all the time. If anyone wants to think I'm stupid, tell me I need to stop, etc...let them. It won't stop me from having my ways of dealing. Life is all to much of a bitch so I'm taking this one day at a time.

I can work on getting through college, making a career for myself. Maybe we'll both be different people in a few years and be able to start over. For one thing, I'd better be a stronger Christian in a few years! I don't want to be stuck in this "riding the fence" phase my whole life. I'm trying to leap over to God's side, but my legs aren't totally corresponding with me.

Ehh!

Jessica and I are fine right now, I s'pose. Our relationship is nothing close to what it was when we dated or before then. It's just so...off what it used to be. Not that its bad, just that its not the same.

I'm honestly scared for when Bethany becomes my friend again. Bethany and Jessica had such a....hatred for each other, it seemed. Jessica used to be the sweetest girl, and she still is, but college truly does change people. I don't want any more problems, drama, or jealousy of the other.

I want to live a simple life, problem free. NOT POSSIBLE.

I want to work a regular job with regular hours. NOT POSSIBLE.

I want my life to go back to something normal and stable. NOT POSSIBLE.

When will my life change? When I choose. That's not always so easy though and I've figured that out...

Monday, November 5, 2012

Let's talk about my love issues again

I assume at this point that if Bethany is truly done with me all together, to give up so easily  on the relationship we have, love we shared, and everything in our whole friendship, I am guessing she has stopped reading my blog as well.

Sure, it says she's following my blog, but is she really? I highly doubt it. Okay, honestly...I won't lie to you. She probably still reads my blog. I bet you if I bashed her on my blog, ranted on about how "my life would have been better if..." or "If I'd have tried harder...", she'd be blowing up my Facebook the following day, maybe even same day if she had chosen to glance upon it that day.

As for now, in the current, I think Bethany is having issues, like me. I have issues with love, but Bethany has issues in trust. Some might think that's one in the same, but I view it differently. You can love someone with all your heart, but never trust them. Trust is something you grow to have with someone. If certain people you're close to break that trust, it hurts you.

I used to have trouble trusting people after I'd lost my friendship with George and Kyle, but I started to trust people again, after a year or so. Maybe Bethany has deeper trust issues than I'm lead to assume. She talked to me, like really talked to me, when we were friends. We used to be the greatest friends, but then, when she formed her crush...things changed. I loved her, really loved her, but then...well, I won't rehash that story again.

I wish I could pray like I used to. I want to talk to God again, but I'm to damn afraid of him being mad at me for walking away again. I've walked away so many times, it makes me feel and look more and more like a bad Christian. I'm surprised Michael and Lloyd haven't stopped being my friend. Apparently you're supposed to lose people when you walk away from God so I lost Bethany and then I lost Jessica, now I'm alone with only two friends in my life who seem to care.

Not that Nathan and Carolyn aren't great, they truly are the best, but I just wish I had someone to give me biblical advice and help me. Nathan and Carolyn respect my religion, but that's about it. I couldn't ask anymore of them, they're truly the best for that.

As for Jessica, things are on rocky ground right now. I like to think we're fine, but I never know anymore. I even complain about my life and she gets mad at me. I can't voice myself to her like I used to be able to. She always wanted me to be honest, but now it's like she'd rather me cover up the truth so things look all nice and good. Nothing in my life is "nice and good." If you can find that, let me know, I could use the example.

Oh well, Bethany's gone. Jessica's close to leaving now. Pretty soon, I'll be alone, broken, and see no point in anything. I've been there, going back was somewhere I'd never want to go back to. I promised myself...I've broken enough promises lately, it seems my words no good anyway.

If I can get out of this place i'm in right now, I might be happy enough to record my "Peanut Butter Princess" song. We'll have to see how I feel though...I just hope things turn around. For now, ehhh...better enjoy what I have left before it walks away too.