Saturday, October 13, 2012

Will mixing love and religion ever work for me?

Well here I am again, being a complete ass again. I lost jessica, lost her forever, but then I had one option to save it...I won't lose her, but I didn't want to hurt her further...I'm at a turning point again. UGH!

I'm sure you read Jessica's side of things from her blog and I won't lie, I said everything she quoted. We got into an argument and, even though I love Jessica still, I love Bethany too. People ask me, "What did Bethany do that was so great, you won't stop loving her?" and that's a good question. I think to myself, but all I can think of is that I feel as though God himself told me we'd end up together in the end.

I don't know, I love Jessica too, and Bethany doesn't want anything to do with me, so I told Jessica we'd go a "Trial 2 weeks", which means we'll date for 2 weeks and see if we like it, but NO attachments, so if we don't see this going good long term, we can stop. I just wish I could find a way to stop hurting everyone.

APPARENTLY A NATURAL DEATH IS IMPOSSIBLE IN MISSOURI!!!

It's like, I'm enjoying my life all dandy fine, but fate won't allow me to die. UGH, JUST KILL ME ALREADY GOD!!!

Mixing romance and religion is hard. I'm an awful Christian, but I look up to my Youth Pastor Mike. He's a great guy and honestly the only man in my life I respect on such a high level. I'm waiting for this 3 month meeting to happen, but after Bethany walked away for GOD ONLY KNOWS what reason, I don't know if we'll have that meeting anymore.

I love Bethany, I do, but I'm trying so hard to let go so I can move on. I know I'm doing this 2 weeks with Jessica, so maybe it'll work. Or maybe I'll hurt her worse...I don't want that to happen though. I want God to tell me what to do. I don't even have time to do my college homework, yet alone read my bible.

Bethany is acting all righteous like she's doing the right thing, but if God see's us together, I'm going to get Bethany in the end. I want Jessica and I to work, but those words about not being "spiritually compatible" play in my mind, over and over...I WON'T GIVE UP THOUGH!!!

I will try with Jessica, try against the odds, but I feel like Jonah, running away from God...I don't want to get eaten by the modern whale and learn a lesson the hard way...but I want to be with someone and happy. I won't use Jessica!!! That argument scared me. She blocked me on Facebook and shut me out (and her ex boyfriend threatened to beat me up if I didn't answer the phone and talk to him).

Life is shit.

Plain and simple.

As Lloyd told me, "...If you are not comfortable with who you are in Christ, the you won't be happy with whoever you are dating." and that scares me, because i'm nowhere near comfortable with who I am in Christ. I'm a terrible believer, I should be exiled from religion with how bad I am! Luckily, God is a God of second chances. He loves and keeps loving. he forgives and keeps forgiving. I am blessed to know a God so wonderful, but I can't seem to get back into the habbit of religion, which is scary. I had a routine of going to church and fellowship, and that kept me on track.

Now I can't even find the time to read my bible. I love Jessica, I do, I love her greatly, but she knows I love Bethany still too, and moving past that will still take time. I can't just forget and move on or I would have 2 months ago.

In my eyes, even though I love Bethany, she's a home wrecker. She waited until Jessica and I had our first real fight to admit her crush on me. I find out Jessica and I aren't spiritually compatible and Bethany says we are, so I date Bethany and leave Jessica. Few months later, I end up being last months flavor and Bethany leaves me with no explanation (still to this day).

I love Bethany, but she is a cruel, hateful person. She's no better then Christine, wrongly hating me. I did nothing wrong and yet she still hates me. I was so kind to that woman too, her son, George, was my very best friend and now what are we? Strangers going...who went to the same church.

I want to fix things with Christine.

I want to fix things with Bethany.

I want to mend Jessica's broken heart.

Most of all though, I want to fix things with God and be who I'm meant to be under his glory. Love and religion never seem to work for me, but I don't give up. Will it ever work for me? I don't know...if so, God, please just tell me now...I'm losing faith it will.

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