Monday, October 22, 2012

Trusting God and my attempt to talk myself into trying

God really went hard at giving men a job on earth. He also gave Satan WAY TO MUCH POWER!! I saw that in caps, because my heart is no longer in my chest at this point. I'm trying, trying, trying, but I can't let go. I'm begging myself to forget my past, start my new...but it's not that easy.

It's never that easy.

Basically here's the scoop. Bethany hates me still, I text her every morning to tell her how great today is, or make a joke about the weather. I always end my text asking how she is. Saturday morning, she replied. Got all mad at me, told me to stop.

I basically, in a nutshell, told her that I wish I could. God has a plan, I hate it more than anything having to text her in the morning, but I feel compelled to text her, to tell her good morning. I feel it inside that she needs it. I don't know...God has a plan, so I'm going to follow it.

I hate being religious, but I can't help it. I've always KNOWN something or someone created us. I also knew that we were created with a purpose. I've just known. No other way to explain it! I just wish God made things easier...he wants me to grow, he wants me to explore and find my truth. I know he loves me, but it's hard.

The rein Satan has over earth and humans is all to large. I know that I'm a sinner, I know that! I've screwed plenty of times to know THAT'S true. Now Bethany is just...being complicated, I guess. Why does God tell you lies? HE DOESN'T!! It's like Bethany things I'm making this whole shebang up!

NO WAY SISTER!!

I'd drop her yesterday if I knew there wasn't some God-ordered plan for us. God told me and I kept that to myself, but Bethany got...well, how she is, and when I told her that God told me that, she said it was false because she wasn't told that. Well God won't tell both parties every time. My dad was told he'd marry my mom, but when he told her, she ran from him. Called him crazy and she hated him for awhile...

I don't want to repeat history here, but that same thing is happening to me. There was a time where my love for Bethany was so real, deep, passionate, and I fell for her in a matter of days. My love hasn't stopped since. Her's apparently wasn't mutual...

So where does that leave Jessica? Glad you asked...Jessica is probably in the worst spot within this whole thing. She is at that spot where I still love her, but my love for Bethany is stronger. While I'm agreeing to do this trial dating thing with Jessica again, I don't know how it'll turn out.

GOD AND RELIGION SUCK!!

I can say that, but don't agree unless your in the same boat. I am a Christian, I love God and will forever live for him, but sometimes I just get so angry and just scream. God knows that, he made me that way. I think when I yell and blame God, he takes it objectively and knows I still love him, but that I'm aggravated. Some people think I'm all pissed off and REALLY blaming God, but I'm not. Those people need to look at themselves and not others.

Jessica is a nice and sweet girl. She's amazing! I just wish I could be with her forever and ever! God has a destiny. God has a plan. God this and God that, right? People who bash religion all make great points about it, especially if they've walked away, but once I experienced God, I just couldn't walk away.

Sure, I stopped going to church, but I will ALWAYS know the truth now. God is real, created us WITH A PURPOSE, and I know great things are ahead in my life. God wouldn't let me create suicide. He made me so afraid of dying, because my future is so bright! I know it is too.

As I began typing this post, Bethany replied to my "Good Morning!" text from this morning, yelling at me in caps to leave her alone. She told me I'd be waiting my entire life if I was waiting on her to come back to me. I knew I would wait that long anyway. God knows that patience brings reward. He knows I suck at being patient. I'm working on that. I've honestly gotten better too!! I think I have grown as a person. Not enough though. Not quite enough.

I was also texting Jessica, who's arguing with me about if it's bad or good that a guy slept IN HER BED in HER dorm room when he HAS HIS OWN in the SAME building. She says he was there when she woke up. PERFECT! She won't drop it either, she HAS to be right, even when she's wrong. They shouldn't be allowed in rooms after she's asleep either!! WHAT KIND OF COLLEGE IS SHE AT?!! Whatever. I'm trying so hard to not care, but I do.

Again, what a life I have, right?

Sorry this post had to be all religion, God, and my crappy love story. I didn't choose my life, I was just given it. I'm making the best out of a bad situation.

Hurting is the last thing I want happening, so I'm treading carefully.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Betrayer of love?

I was driving in the car, not five minutes ago, and I almost cried. I won't give up by Jason Mraz came on and all I could think about was Bethany. I have a problem. I'm trying to let go of her. Trying to walk away.

My heart is having a hard time, a hard time letting go...moving on. I just want to forget about love for a day and smile. Maybe I'll turn my phone off for a week and see what happens. Maybe not...I depend on my phone for people to offer me shifts at work.

I love Jessica.

I love Bethany.

Talk about a complex love story! Who's has my heart? Bethany. Who am I dating? Jessica. Who ultimately wins? Nobody. I feel like i'm giving Jessica empty love, but I'm trying to hard to make this work. I don't understand why I can't just go back...before I loved Bethany...when I truly did love Jessica.

Love's a bitch. It's mean and cupid can kiss my ass, because all I've ever done with love was hurt people. I've never accomplished anything truly extraordinary or something that made two souls perfect. I've just caused hurt and suffering and broke one heart after another. I'm like the freakin' grimm reaper of love. Tearing the hearts out of people and making soulless bodies live amongst those who've found love.

I feel like my life has been great in the realm of friendship. Nathan and Carolyn think I'm awesome and are always hanging out with me, but in the realm of love...I am failing hardcore. Maybe it's all because Gods trying to tell me something? I need to stop depending on the love of others and depend on his love instead? No...that's to obvious. Though that's true, and maybe I should do that, I don't think that's what he is trying to say right now...I think.

Maybe I have what I need to know if front of me, I'm just not looking. It's all a devine failure in the end, it seems. Though I've tried to make progress...

Bethany's phone is back on so I've been trying to text her but she keeps telling me I'm too young for her. she was born August 14th, I was born July 20th. 2 months is not that far apart!! That seems like a BOGUS excuse to me. Also, she said that If I'd told her that God told me we'd end up together, she'd have tried, but now it's too late. OKAY??

If God wants us to end up together, it's never to late and it will happen. Maybe I need to stop. Alas, I can't though! My heart, I can feel it, bleeding love for Bethany. I am walking away though and I keep hearing that I'm cheating on Bethany and our destined love, but it's not destined...it's just feelings, yet I feel bad about walking away and not waiting, like I'm impatient and incapable of waiting on her to catch up.

I love Jessica, honestly and truly, I will date her, I will love her, but I don't want to hurt her...God my head ALWAYS so full when I'm alone. All I know is I'm done hurting Jessica. She won't get hurt again, but when she tries using our old cute things, they don't feel the same anymore, mean the same...they just hurt, making me wish I could go back to when they didn't...

God help me, I need it.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Will mixing love and religion ever work for me?

Well here I am again, being a complete ass again. I lost jessica, lost her forever, but then I had one option to save it...I won't lose her, but I didn't want to hurt her further...I'm at a turning point again. UGH!

I'm sure you read Jessica's side of things from her blog and I won't lie, I said everything she quoted. We got into an argument and, even though I love Jessica still, I love Bethany too. People ask me, "What did Bethany do that was so great, you won't stop loving her?" and that's a good question. I think to myself, but all I can think of is that I feel as though God himself told me we'd end up together in the end.

I don't know, I love Jessica too, and Bethany doesn't want anything to do with me, so I told Jessica we'd go a "Trial 2 weeks", which means we'll date for 2 weeks and see if we like it, but NO attachments, so if we don't see this going good long term, we can stop. I just wish I could find a way to stop hurting everyone.

APPARENTLY A NATURAL DEATH IS IMPOSSIBLE IN MISSOURI!!!

It's like, I'm enjoying my life all dandy fine, but fate won't allow me to die. UGH, JUST KILL ME ALREADY GOD!!!

Mixing romance and religion is hard. I'm an awful Christian, but I look up to my Youth Pastor Mike. He's a great guy and honestly the only man in my life I respect on such a high level. I'm waiting for this 3 month meeting to happen, but after Bethany walked away for GOD ONLY KNOWS what reason, I don't know if we'll have that meeting anymore.

I love Bethany, I do, but I'm trying so hard to let go so I can move on. I know I'm doing this 2 weeks with Jessica, so maybe it'll work. Or maybe I'll hurt her worse...I don't want that to happen though. I want God to tell me what to do. I don't even have time to do my college homework, yet alone read my bible.

Bethany is acting all righteous like she's doing the right thing, but if God see's us together, I'm going to get Bethany in the end. I want Jessica and I to work, but those words about not being "spiritually compatible" play in my mind, over and over...I WON'T GIVE UP THOUGH!!!

I will try with Jessica, try against the odds, but I feel like Jonah, running away from God...I don't want to get eaten by the modern whale and learn a lesson the hard way...but I want to be with someone and happy. I won't use Jessica!!! That argument scared me. She blocked me on Facebook and shut me out (and her ex boyfriend threatened to beat me up if I didn't answer the phone and talk to him).

Life is shit.

Plain and simple.

As Lloyd told me, "...If you are not comfortable with who you are in Christ, the you won't be happy with whoever you are dating." and that scares me, because i'm nowhere near comfortable with who I am in Christ. I'm a terrible believer, I should be exiled from religion with how bad I am! Luckily, God is a God of second chances. He loves and keeps loving. he forgives and keeps forgiving. I am blessed to know a God so wonderful, but I can't seem to get back into the habbit of religion, which is scary. I had a routine of going to church and fellowship, and that kept me on track.

Now I can't even find the time to read my bible. I love Jessica, I do, I love her greatly, but she knows I love Bethany still too, and moving past that will still take time. I can't just forget and move on or I would have 2 months ago.

In my eyes, even though I love Bethany, she's a home wrecker. She waited until Jessica and I had our first real fight to admit her crush on me. I find out Jessica and I aren't spiritually compatible and Bethany says we are, so I date Bethany and leave Jessica. Few months later, I end up being last months flavor and Bethany leaves me with no explanation (still to this day).

I love Bethany, but she is a cruel, hateful person. She's no better then Christine, wrongly hating me. I did nothing wrong and yet she still hates me. I was so kind to that woman too, her son, George, was my very best friend and now what are we? Strangers going...who went to the same church.

I want to fix things with Christine.

I want to fix things with Bethany.

I want to mend Jessica's broken heart.

Most of all though, I want to fix things with God and be who I'm meant to be under his glory. Love and religion never seem to work for me, but I don't give up. Will it ever work for me? I don't know...if so, God, please just tell me now...I'm losing faith it will.