DISCLAIMER: I only want to be honest with all my readers, because this blog is everything to me. It's how I get things out, sort things in my mind, get my feelings out, etc...don't take anything I say to personally or seriously. I'm not suicidal anymore. I promise.
Past month or two
To be honest with you guys, I'm falling. I'm falling so hard, into the ground, and I'm below ground level at this point. My heart is busted. My heart is nothing but a gap in my body. My soul is slowly fading away. Who I am is not who i wanted to be. Not really. I love who I am, but I hate how I am. By that, I mean, I love my friends, job, college, life, and world, but I never pictured my life being away from God for any part of it after I got saved back in August 2011.
I walked away back in July (or maybe it was August), I walked away, that's the point. Returning to the world, as my dad put it, is like a dog returning to it's vomit. Once the blood of Jesus saves you, your purified and you DON'T WANT to go back to your old life. I guess that's a good thing, but I'm fighting it. I'm pushing through it and making myself comfortable.
I'm getting to the point where I just want to die. I don't have the guts to kill myself, never did. I am WAY TO SCARED of going to hell, that just terrifies me, which is why living this life is hard for me. What I want is to die naturally, so I have a chance to get into heaven by Gods grace.
I could get hit by a car, have a heart attack, choke on my food while I'm eating, I don't really care. I just want to leave this cruel, painful, terrible world, but it HAS TO BE NATURAL CAUSE! I told Jessica that and she freaked out, she didn't take it calmly like I thought, but said I was being selfish.
I want everyone to stop caring about me. Just stop.
If everyone stopped caring, I could die like I want and nobody would be hurt, but apparently I'd hurt people, and I don't know if I want to put someone through that pain. Not like I'd ask for it, I live my life every day, hang with my friends, don't show this side of who I am, and I'm fine.
This is all in the back of my mind.
Sure, I have plans for my future, but I won't be disappointed if I happen to die. It's not like this world is worth remembering anyway. When you're in heaven, your it man, you're done! Life is forever the perfect bliss.
I can love and not regret it, not hate it, or the thought of it. I can love and know that it's the purest, most loving kind. I want to love, so bad, I want to know that I can love someone, anyone, and not get hurt. Truth is, we all get hurt, it's just those who are worth going through that pain for.
That's two-fold though.
Just because you love someone, fight for them, and prove yourself worthy...doesn't mean they'll still pick you, let you love them, and spend forever in happiness with them. I am living proof that being hurt won't stop, no matter what. I'm holding all this rejection inside me, all this hate, pain, and torture. I won't hurt anyone like I've been hurt, so I'm going to be single.
Back to my main topic, if I love someone and die, that's unfair towards them. So I'll live my life alone, so that when I do eventually die, I won't have to worry about that love hurting someone. If you think about it, really think, putting YOUR opinion(s) aside, I'm being generous and respectful towards everyone in my thinking/actions.
If I ever do die guys, I'm sorry. I really am, but other than blogging and writing in general, I had no gifts. I'm not social, I'm terrible with people. I can't understand math or science worth a damn. All I am is the guy who can write. If I ever become a writer, I see myself being a dark writer. I'm in the middle of writing some angry anti-love songs. Showing the flip side of love. Showing the hate, bitterness, and raw anger in how love really is.
Movies lie. People lie. We are all being deceived. I will never trust a woman with my heart again. I don't care that I'm 19 years old and I don't care that I'm "to young to give up". Me and my homies already have a gameplan of living together and I'm not letting some woman come up and say that isn't right and won't let me. I don't need restrictions. I need freedom. This is America, after all.
I want to put all my songs, poems, stories, everything on my blog when I die. That's my request. I want you guys to read my pain, see the lyrics and words. You'll understand then. I don't see my songs on the radio, maybe a few? I don't see myself getting real well known.
I've given you guys the real, uncensored, raw experience of who Zachary Love is. That's all I ever wanted to do. Except me for who I am, all my flaws, pain, doubts. Or not. I don't really care anymore.
My blogs gotten me into trouble a few times, but it's a personal blog, sorry for offending you. I didn't know I had to censor my opinions. Anyway, I hope you guys can bear with me while I get through all of this. I've never wanted to die like this. I've wanted to take action, but now I can't.
It's like God won't let me. He is trying to tell me something, I know it. I can't manage to take action, that just scares me SO MUCH! Death isn't bad though, so I don't know why it's so scary to me. It just...it is. So scary.
Guess I'll figure it out. My life is void for now, my soul rendered useless, and I'm going to be incognito in my mind for awhile, just until I can figure everything out...
I have been under a lot of stress lately, so I haven't had time to really post much. With balancing school, social life, and work, I've really been jam packed with stuff to do every minute of every day. I hope that this post catches up, but with my brain, it's likely to only get half the details.
Then - Now (in a nutshell)
So lets just start out saying that Jessica and I are on the same page again, best friends, and happy. Not to bash anyone, because that's honestly NOT my intention here, but I feel like I was manipulated into dropping our entire relationship. I know that I made the concious decision to break up with her. That was MY CHOICE, but I feel like the friendship made everyone mad, especially Bethany.
At the time, I was agreeing to date Bethany, so of course her opinion mattered to me, but it should never be a "pick me or her" type of deal. That's all, as they say, history now, but It's a nice reflection of how I've grown. Also, Jessica's car is SUPER COOL!! I got to ride in it recently and she got HOOKED UP!! It's a Buick like my dads!! SO LUCKY!!! I wanted a Buick as my first car but... OH YEAH!! You don't know that yet...I am behind the screen smirking right now, because I'm so excited to tell you!!
I BOUGHT MY FIRST CAR!!!
It was such an exciting day for me as I took a step in faith, hoping that the car I chose would be worth the investment, but to this day, I AM SO THANKFUL!! Yesterday was the first OFFICIAL day I got to drive it for myself. I'm very excited about it. I'll post pictures on here in my next post, but I don't have any right now.
Moving on, I want to talk about Bethany now. We have fallen out of contact and, I think, our friendship died too. I love that woman SO DAMN MUCH, I gave her my whole world and everything within me, I still love that woman, but she just...I don't know, she just changed, I guess.
We were so in love and happy together until one day, explainable, she drops me like I'm the plague or something. Literally, I stopped seeing her, hearing from her, and knowing if she was alive for a month strait. I eventually got fed up and messaged her on Facebook. We talked a bit on there, but I knew her phone had broke or something, but to stop talking to me?
It's karma. Biting me in the frickin' ass!
Bethany is doing to me as I did to Jessica. I chose Bethany over Jessica and I went to war, fighting for her love, and I had it for awhile, but nothing lasts forever I'm guessing, even love. As of right now (because I won't go into the details), I'm letting her go. I'm not going to stop caring, but I am letting her live her life as she wants.
As for love, I don't want anything to do with that stuff. It's poisoned the soup bowl to many times for my liking and I don't trust it anymore.
You know how people say to leave your personal life off Facebook because nobody cares? Well I ignored that recently and, in an effort to prove my love to Bethany, I posted this on my wall:
As well as also posting this on the same day:
Surely you've heard that song so surely you know my feelings for this woman. THEY ARE PRETTY DAMN STRONG!! I just want to prove to her that even when things are rough and she wants to be alone, I'll stay strong and love her through it. I won't be the person that walks away because things are convenient for me. I know damn well life's not convenient and it sucks, but I know how to man up and take things for what they are.
I don't ask that Bethany comes running back into my arms, I just ask that my best friend comes back to realizing that I'm not the enemy and whatever she thinks I did, WHICH I DON'T KNOW YET, she'll realize that I'm not that type of person. My love is real and passionate and the kind of love that stands strong in any weather.
I'll keep waiting, but only because I know what God's told me. I'll live my life for me right now, grow in who I am, but my love won't cease. God made me with so much love and care, so who am I to throw judgement at others? I am a peacemaker, I like fixing problems.
Especially my own!
But if Bethany refuses to meet up with me and talk, I can't do anything about it. What am I supposed to do, ambush her at work? That would just make me look desperate and bad, which I'm not. I want to prove to her that I am a patient man, kind, gentle, loving, and compassionate towards the feelings of others.
I want her to remember all the good times we had together and wait for her to realize that it's not worth throwing away over...well, whatever it is. She needs a man like me to be successful in love one day, because when she is determined only the love of someone she cares about will put her back into her right mind.
If it's not me, I'll move on. I don't see any alternatives for her though, considering I'm Gods match for her, but if she marries another man, I hope the best for him.
It takes a real man to love that woman and I hope she finds him. Even if it's not me.
As far as work goes, I'm making the dough. Nuff said.