Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Truth: More than a friendship...

Remember how I told you I would eventually tell you, my readers, the truth, catch them up on everything once it's happened? I can finally start doing that now, thankfully. It was advised against my church that I post this, but as much as I love and respect them (and trust me, there's nobody I trust more (other than God or my best friends), I feel as though I have to do this. I need to do this to keep you, my readers, informed, and to furthermore explain why I've been so upset (and also excited) this week.

Side note: I mean no disrespect towards ANYONE in this post. I seem to have a great thing going with pissing people off from posting my opinions on this blog, but what nobody ever got was that my opinion is there, regardless of if I post it online or keep it to myself. Being honest offends you? I thought people liked honesty in a relationship, saw it as a chance to grow and what-not. Just please don't be upset with me. Let's grow from this.

June 15th - 17th, 2012
A.K.A. The Camping Trip

Remember that camping trip I went to back in June? Yeah, that is where this all begins. You see, I'm a douchbag and I really came to realize that thanks to the events following. I will admit that I'm not perfect, anyone who knows me should know that. I'm just Zach Love, average Joe living in the world best I can.

I get tempted as does the next guy. The only difference is that the smart guy will see temptation and laugh at it's fable attempt and walks away, practically mocking the fact that temptation occurred as to the dumb guy who get's drawn in and captured, woo'd by the mystery of it all.

I am the dumb guy today.

You see, it came to my attention over the camping trip that Bethany began feeling...close to me. I don't even know if that's the right way to describe it, I don't want to demoralize anyone, but it came to my attention that she was forming feelings for me.

I was beyond flattered that TWO people had feelings for me, Jessica, my girlfriend, and now Bethany. That was all fine and dandy, but because of that fight Jessica and I had before the camping trip...things got a little intense. We didn't really talk much and there was a small tension between us. Sure, we still shared the same tent and everything was fine, but looking back, I could have just let go and fixed things.

Instead I was a douche.

The last night of our camping trip, it was crowed in my moms tent (as four people were trying to share one) so Bethany asked if she could stay in the tent Jessica and I were using. I didn't know what to say, but Jessica and I agreed on it.

We slept fine, after the stupid tent wouldn't zip up, but Bethany asked if she could sleep topless. Jessica was really skeptical, as was I (even though my brain was thinking "BOOBS!"), but Jessica said it was okay. As for who slept where, Jessica offered the middle, OBVIOUSLY, but Bethany wanted me to sleep in the middle. My silence in the arrangement confirmed that I would sleep there. It was hours later when I couldn't sleep. Bethany was asleep to my right, as was Jessica to my left. Bethany rolled onto her side, facing me, and even though it was dark, I saw the outline of skin.

Needless to say, I touched her.

I woke her up, but she didn't seem to mind. She had a smile on her face about the whole thing. In the tent, just by, and ONLY, touching her, I cheated. I was doing what I promised myself I'd never do. I was going against MY own morals! I was cheating on my girlfriend.

Early that morning, my stomach was killing me. I felt awful inside, as did Bethany, and it wasn't the food we had eaten the night before. I had my theories, but in the end, the back of my mind knew, I felt so badly because I had done something wrong. Jessica didn't even know. I blind-sided her and that made me feel horrible.

I...This wasn't right. I was a completely different person after this. On the way back, we were going to stop at Sonic to get drinks (a 10 minute drive), so I decided to ride with Bethany opposed to my mom, sister, Tracy, and Jessica. I don't think Jessica liked that, at all.

Side note: Thinking back, I don't remember every detail, but I think Jessica had an idea as to how Bethany felt towards me, BEFORE I knew. I didn't find out until the camping trip, but I think Jessica, as looking from one woman to another, saw it first.

I only rode with Bethany because I wanted to talk to her about what had happened. We both agreed that we had formed feelings for each other, something sparked there. In my opinion, looking back, it was lust. We confused what we knew with what we thought.

When we got to Sonic, I rode the rest of the way with my mom, Hannah, Tracy, and Jessica. We had a fun time, but there was still tension between Jessica and myself. I was so confused and baffled. We had some down time while my mom took Tracy home, so I went to my room.

Jessica came upstairs and found me laying on my bed. She sat next to me and tried getting me to make out with her, because she didn't know anything, but I felt bad enough about cheating on her, that I said I wasn't in the mood and took a nap.

The rest I've said on my previous blog post.

June 19th, 2012
Becoming single...in a sense.

To say that this was the hardest thing for me to do in my life, would be an understatement. I loved Jessica so much, she was my best friend more than anything. The fact that we were dating was just the cherry on top that made it delicious, because she could kiss me and tell me it was okay opposed to a hug, which still helped, but didn't have the confidence behind it (bad analogy, but same point).

Everything I told you about our break-up did happen, but the truth I didn't mention about this  was that I promised Bethany a relationship prior to the break-up. I had literally, already cried about losing Jessica and said good-bye, in a since, in my mind.

Before I called her, I was with Bethany, and we both agreed to date right? Meaning to cheating, no lies, nothing. Then I go off and kiss Bethany, our first kiss, before I call Jessica. That was such a smart idea, right?

So that's the truth behind June 19th, the rest I've said in a post.

July-ish
Single? Or not...

To be totally blunt, I dated Bethany for two months, off and on. It was, "yeah I have feelings", but we didn't go anywhere with them but say "I love you" and what-not. It wasn't bad though. The only bad part was having to lose Jessica.

The truth is that I never wanted to lose her, but I didn't want to let down my church friends. I know that God is supreme, but I'm not good with talking to God or praying. They are. So I seek there advice more than finding it myself. When they told me that saving my relationship with Jessica, to be just friends, would be a miracle, I believed it.

They would never lie to me, they just wouldn't, so I trust them with everything. The only problem is...when you upset Bethany, "poking the bear" is a huge understatement. When Bethany is upset, she storms off in a rage, upset, and angry, refusing to talk about anything. When she calms down, she'll text me and apologize.

She got mad at me for still being friends with Jessica one night, or something (I don't honestly remember), so she took it to church and told Amanda some personal things between us, who told Lloyd, who sat us down and gave us an intervention. It was an angry moment for me, but I understood.

We grew better as friends though. That was the good that came out of it.

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How does it feel finally knowing the truth? Do you completely hate me now? I wouldn't be surprised. I had to tell you the truth though before I could explain everything else going on. More on THAT in my next post though. The truth will set you free, I am a strong believer in that phrase.

I have prayed about all this, I have been forgiven. I just need to be open about this to my readers. Now I can post about what's going on now.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

I miss my past.

The way things are going right now, the stress I feel, I don't know why things ended up this way. I just wish I had a way to fix things. I mean, to be honest, my life is utter crud right now. Not even I want to be my friend (and I've argued with myself about it, repeatedly).

GENERAL

I don't care about dates right now. I really don't. I just wish Bethany would STOP being mad at me. It seems all I get is anger directed towards me. I can't help not liking it. TRUST ME, I can take angry people. I am a VERY open-minded person, but this just IS NOT good for me.

I'm starting to miss when Bethany and I were really good friends and things weren't complicated. I don't know what to do, I'm on my own here. I can't talk to her anymore until her phone is fixed. She has no way of contacting me. I could always Facebook her I s'pose, but I'm going to let HER take the first step towards redemption, I won't just hand it out.

I also miss Jessica, honestly. I miss how I had a best friend I could always turn too, but I got mad because she used pet names for me still while we were friends and I assumed it was because we had dated, not because she was being nice. I judged to quickly and I lost someone special in my life.

I'll live with that for the rest of my remaining days. I will have to know I hurt her, she hurt me, I scarred her, and made sure things blew up on her end. I was a coward, a jerk, a selfish snub! I wish I could take it all back, I WISH I HAD HER NUMBER AGAIN!! I just... I don't know what to do. I'm going to ride out August and see how things play out. I'm in college now, I've accepted life being single, and being around Jessica would be nice, but I ultimately lost the most in the end.

I hurt her, after she hurt me. I was childish, selfish, and rude, but I grew from that and I WILL NOT let that happen again. I wish I could call her and tell her how sorry I am. I miss her friendship. I miss how we had inside jokes and things between us nobody else could understand. I just want my best friend again.

But we all know that her being away at college means I need to stop reflecting on that, right? Yeah, besides, If Bethany knew I was thinking about Jessica, just as a friend again, she'd get mad at me. In my opinion, the two never liked each other. They had opposite personalities. Which clashed, a lot.

It's a  skeptical win anyway with my life, so I'm going to ride this out in August and see what happens. Will my life turn around? Will love turn in my favor? Will the blessings God has for me finally come? I'll just keep the faith and find out, I guess.

Maybe I'm thinking to hard, but I just know that from reading Jessica's blog post about me, it made me almost want to cry. I was coming across as a person I'M NOT! All for what? My own personal and selfish gain? I AM NOT THAT PERSON! I am a terrible person if I ever become that, which I never wanted to be.

I'm my own worst enemy...and apparently hers now too. For that, I'll always be sorry. I'm going to pray that this friendship will heal, that life will shed new light on things I didn't see before and that doors will open for me that have never been opened in the past. I just want to make things right...before it's too late...and before she moves on.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

First day of college!!

Hello readers of my life, I hope everyone has had a good week, because mine has been phenomenal! My life has been both amazing and sad, BUT MOSTLY AMAZING and that's what I'm here to talk about, QUE THE MAGIC!!!

8/19/12

I got New Super Mario Bros. 2 today for my 3DS! It was finally available and I had finished pre-ordering it a week ago! I have only played 2 levels, but from those two, it's a super fun game!!

Side note: I'm currently distracted with my Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep game.

8/20/12

I used a new way of captioning this section, cool huh? Haha, not really, but it's a cool new way to do things. Ish.

So it was a fun day, I had all the stuff ready to go for college and I spend the day chillin' out at home. Eventually Bethany came over and that was super fun. She didn't come over for me though, she came over to see my mom and have a "twilight marathon".

Bethany and I have been going a bit of a struggle with our friendship lately. It's been pretty rough. I don't know, I can't really blog about it in a way you'd understand, from what I can't say right now, but I just wish things weren't so complex, y'know?

I have been praying more though, which means more than once a week. I know I'm not being the best Christian believer I can be, but that's just because I've got a lot going on in my life right now. Honestly, I feel like I keep having this constant pull between "good and evil", if you will. I mean, I can see myself riding the fence, one second slipping to the left, catching myself, slipping to the right, catching myself, etc...It's a cycle I've noticed and I want to stop. I want to leap to the right and live my life for the future me who's stronger in Christ!

I know I come across so hypocritically in these blog posts because of how much I always slip into sin and back into religion, etc...but I am only 19 years old. I'm still growing! I am learning more every day. More about myself, more about compassion, more about the God, etc...I can't seem to keep myself on a strait and consistent path!

God forbid, I end up...Wait, I can't blog about that! Dang it. Sorry guys, that was almost a slip of my fingers and mind.

Anyway, that was a huge side track, I literally thought I was ready to talk about a different day! HAHA!! Well dang my mind, I can't keep a strait thought up top if my life depended on it!

Anywho, Nathan and Carolyn also came over and we played Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep together. I don't know if I told you guys or not, but I got a cool PSP for $50 off Craigslist and Nathan and Carolyn decided to buy there own as well that same week! WHOOT!!

Well we played our game on multiplayer while my mom and Bethany watched the movie. Well I think we were bothering Bethany, so I suggested we all go upstairs and we did. We played co-op until they had to leave at 11pm, because my mom seems to have a friend curfew under effect for me, but not my sister, which is really jank.

I won't complain that much though, because my friends are amazing!

After Carolyn and Nathan left, Bethany, my mom, and I watched New Moon until it was 12am when I went to my room. Mostly because I felt awkward being by Bethany, but also because it felt like she was being rude to me.

That all got sorted out later though and Bethany is a wonderful woman, but I just don't get a few things about her, but that's why she's my friend, I like finding out new things and having diversities!

8/21/12

College was great! I had Math 20 first thing and it was basic addition and subtraction, not even kidding! It was quite bizarre. I know that stuff, it made me feel like I was in the class for 30 year olds who never went to college after High School. I got through it though and the homework was easy.

After that class, I had Read 108 in the next building over. It was honestly pretty nice. No homework today, simple intro class. I won't complain. After those two classes, I went home and did my homework. I worked on that and it got done in about 30 minutes.

Side note: I spend a lot of my free time on Craigslist or playing Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep. It's just second nature now to do one or the other.

I had a third class at 6pm, CSIS 115, but we got out early because of the first night and Blackboard was being janky. Overall, it was a great first day.

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I think I need to put down my PC or my PSP and pick up my BIBLE, because it'll do better for me then any games will. In my accountability meeting that's coming up this week, I'm going to have to explain that I haven't been praying. I've been lazy, I've hardly been reading my bible!

I'm not growing, I'm stunting my growth. I've frozen my growth. I don't know what I'm going to tell my accountability partner tomorrow other than that I've been falling short of my own expectations...

I hope he is understanding, I'm sure he will be though, Lloyd's a nice guy! I'm tired right now though, so I'm just gonna cut this short. Hope to post again soon of better progress!

P.S. I'll probably post a weight loss blog tomorrow.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Falling in my faith

Good gracious, I am so sorry! I know I haven't posted in a millennium, but my life has been mostly awesome some bull crap mixed into it. I shall go into deeper meaning behind this STAT.

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I'll be real with you, I don't remember days at this point, just details about...quite frankly, Bethany. I can't...I can't tell you everything that's going on, but I will, I've said that, but I promise. It's just that...right now in my life, things are complicated. Literally COMPLICATED.

I can start out by saying that I know my life is turning to crap again. LITERALLY crap again. I am slipping, riding the fence, just...failing, in my faith. I need order, forced order. I need to stop loving when I can't do anything with it. I am in love. I can say that right now, I just can't say, on my blog, who it's with right now.

That's what i so badly want to talk about. I know that I've talked about my crushes on here, who I've been attracted to, who I've wanted to date, but people have been freaked out by my blogging about them. It's not what people do, "apparently". All I know is that I can't usually talk to attractive woman who don't start the conversation. I don't start conversations, I join them, I am invited to them, but I never start them, generally.

I said all that because, even though the one I love knows I love them and returns that love, I can't talk about it right now, because of some church restrictions. I can respect that too, which is why I'm waiting to post about it. All I'm saying is that my love life has gotten complicated.

I'm supposed to wait 2 months to date anyone (after my break-up with Jessica), so I was prompted (more like recommended, but I agreed) to be single until September 11th. 2012. It's killing me, because when I'm around her, I just love her so much! I just wanna be with her and make her happy. Of course, we've been breaking the rules of waiting a few times, we are both trying to wait.

Yes, she knows I should wait till September 11th, but... I've told her I can't stop loving her. I am trying to read my bible and pray, but whenever I try, I GET DEPRESSED!! I haven't been depressed in a long while...It sucks that my depression is returning, but I DON'T CLAIM IT!! I claim JESUS as my savior and he conquers darkness! I try  my hardest to stay strong, but it's just...it's really hard, to be totally honest.

I'm failing, I need a friend who can encourage me. I'm refusing to let this get worse. I listen to christian music all the time, I listen to it on my radio, unless my non-christian friends are riding with me, then I'm respectful enough to change the music, but I just...I want to know that there's a change coming in my life, a good change!

I keep hoping I can get through the progress of these two months without having to work for it. Guess that's a dead dream. I need to work towards any progress. I guess I can try reading my bible, forcing myself to open it up. I've just...I hear  you can pray the bible, that God talks to you through the bible, but that last one has only happened twice. It was awesome, I fixed myself, but...I'm afraid that I've screwed up my life pretty bad.

If I'm being honest with you, I've been crying more often. I used to be that person who just never cried, I was immune to shedding tears (unless my hand got slammed in a door or something). I couldn't shed an emotional tear, just a physically painful tear. I've cried lately, more often. I cried so hard just a week ago!

I know I'm growing, I just...I'm so scared, is all...I'm terrified! And not to mention, I've been seeing myself falling, failing, not growing. I need a forced regimen. I tell myself that If I made more money, everything would fix itself. I don't make enough money, I don't have enough money to fix my problems, but money doesn't do crap unless you use it the right way.

I haven't been giving the church any money. It's biblical to give 10 percent to church, but I'm to greedy, I'll admit it. I want a game, a movie, something that won't benefit me in the long term. Sure, it's gonna be super helpful when I'm bored, but what if I could be reading my bible, but I choose a game over reading my bible? That's not good. That's very bad, actually!

I just need to pray hard, actually pray, period! I need to dive into my bible, I keep saying it, but I never do. I NEED TO DO IT FOR REAL THIS TIME!!! I need to stop being lazy, procrastinating, and making excuses! I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO HELL!! I am going to grow, that is my promise to myself. I need to do this, I need this growth.

It's good for me. It's what I need. It's not hard, either.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Depressed, angry, and confused.

I am so beyond angry right now as I type the words from my mind to this blog, but I can't help but wonder why I'm so angry. Yes, You need a reason, but all my reasons make me mad at myself. I feel like such an asshole after today and I blame myself for everything. I'll just get to the details.

I haven't blogged since my birthday, but I've been working a lot since then so not much to say in that aspect. Good, we're all caught up to August 1st now.

August 1st

I woke up today and it was a nice day, but it was also boring. My sister and dad were downstairs. I was social for a bit, but decided I would go watch a movie up in my room. As I go up to my room, I see all my sisters junk still sitting in my room (she painted her room OVER A MONTH AGO and still has her crap piled in my room), so I got angry and threw EVERYTHING in my closet. I didn't want to have it all over my floor. In that effort, I decided to clean my room.

Side note: I'm not an excessive clean freak, but if something isn't cleaned within 3 weeks or a month, it will began to drive me up the wall. My room was my example for today.

So as I clean my room, I remember the memories attached to the arrangement of my room. Not all good memories, so I decide to move my bed, dresser, desk, and table. I couldn't stand another day being in an arrange room that had bad memories tied to it.

In this entire effort, I was feeling lonely, extremely lonely, to a point where it hit strait up depression. I cleaned my room just fine, but I feel an overwhelming depression the entire time, I felt awful! I had plenty of things to be thankful for, I honestly did, but I just didn't see a point in anything anymore at that point.

I decided to text Bethany, knowing she was at work, and told her that I wanted to see her after she got off work, I was lonely and needed company. She didn't get it at all.

Sidenote: I love my friends, but Bethany can just see something and not think twice about reading between the lines. Its not her fault, but sometimes I wish she could, because I won't spell it out for her.

She told me she was picking up her friends that she was going to church tonight with and we could all go to church and hang out... Hang out at church, with YOUR FRIENDS?

Clearly, she didn't understand what I wanted.

Anyway, all I wanted was someone to give me a hug, tell me everything was okay, pray with me, reassure me that I will make it through, and renew my confidence.

None of that happened.

Sidenote: I didn't even pray at church tonight. I KNOW, RIGHT?! Who goes to church but doesn't pray? It's just sad to see that I didn't WANT to pray. I felt so defeated today, but nothing horrible happened.

I'm getting ahead of myself though.

A couple of hours before church, I had to take my sister to her friend Tommy's house. On the way there, I got some insight on things. It turns out she broke up with her boyfriend Zack (with a K, as he spells it) on July 27th and she's been single for almost a week now. Also, I learned that her Zack was a complete jerk.

I dropped her off and on the way home, I couldn't help myself, I cried my eyes out. I'll admit it, I cried and I did pray, telling that I'm sorry for being a horrible brother, for not being there for my sister when she needs me, giving her to much space.

I felt like such an awful brother that it added on to the depression I felt. My dad noticed something off about me when I got home, but I played it off. I haven't been my dads biggest fan this week and I wasn't going to tell him I had just cried on the way home.

Sidenote: My dad got home on July 24th and he has refused to let my friends come over and he's yelled at me a lot this week already, making me feel worse about myself. I haven't enjoyed his company that much... or at all, to be honest.

But I just went up to my room, finished the movie I was watching and recorded my newest song.

As many of  you know, I have been writing songs lately, writing songs has been my biggest passion since I graduated high school, I haven't written hardly anything since I graduated, because I haven't felt like I wanted to (and the lack of motivation).

The point is, I just haven't wanted to do anything.

After church, I stayed awhile, walked from room to room, but not many people noticed me, which I kind of liked. What I didn't like is how Bethany treated me. It's not like she was rude, because she wasn't rude at all to me, I won't say that, it's just...she seemed like she had to avoid me, which was odd.

I am done with trying anything. Bethany and Jessica just stress me out to a point where I don't know what I want.

Oh yeah, nobody knows about this story. HA! Well I am not allowed to tell you until it's resolved, but I can promise you that it'll be worth reading about if I can make it through.

I left church feeling like crud and then Bethany drops a bomb on me that she won't be at church Sunday. She does it with her friends in the car so I can't react too, nice timing. That just pissed me off, because now I know she's avoiding me. Perfect.

If I have to stop going to church, I will. I won't allow her to manipulate me the way Jessica did after we broke up. I stopped that and Jessica fixed herself. If Bethany wants to hypocritically manipulate my emotions, I'll stop going to church.

Sure, I'll have to tell my accountability partner and he probably won't be happy, considering he goes to my church too, but I'm going to be real about it and say that I give up. I'm not going to try for someone who doesn't even want to act like they want me.

"But it's all about God, he should be your focus!"

YES, I KNOW THAT!! I'm trying to grow, but I'm just so distracted and mad and angry at myself that I can't find the time or patience to pray or attempt to read my bible or anything.

THE DEVIL KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!!!

It really pisses me off that he can always manage to 1up me when I start to be victorious. I'm just going to take a break. Relax. Try to find myself again. Maybe then I'll stop being angry and find a way to pray.

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I really don't know why I've felt this way, to be honest, but I know it needs to stop. I know that I've been feeling this way for less then 24 hours and it's already hard to breathe. I can't help the fact that I'm angry, I just am!

If you can find the time, please pray for me. Even if you're not religious as you read this post, I need some help. I know I can't do it alone and I'm so angry for reasons I can't explain other than to be mad at myself.

I'm human, but mostly out of that I'm a man. I am flawed, but I want to make less mistakes. Please keep me in your thoughts, prayers, and if you can manage to do just that one act of kindness, it'll mean a lot to me, regardless of if I know you or not.