Sunday, July 22, 2012

19 years ago a beautiful man was born.

So i'm going to SKIP everything between the 13th and 20th. It's just easier that way. SORRY!

July 20th

ITS MY BIRTHDAY GUYS!!!! I'M 19 YEARS OLD GUYS!!!! THIS IS A BIG DEAL GUYS!!!! I'M ALIVE AND BLOGGING FOR ANOTHER YEAR GUYS!!!! ISN'T THAT EXCITING GUYS?!!

Of course it is.

Anyway, It started out a little rough with my friend Tracy refusing to tell me happy birthday because she thought I moved my party to Friday (the 20th) intentionally so she'd miss it (she's in Florida on vacation, something I can't afford). She got all mad at me and said that I was being rude because we (Jessica and I) can't except that she can go on vacation and we can't. 

It was extremely rude and I stopped talking to her after that and I don't honestly know when I'll text her again.

Sidenote: Before her vacation (she left on the 13th for a 10 day vacation), she wouldn't stop talking about it and how excited she was and every little detail of what she was going to do when she got there. It was coming across as SERIOUS BRAGGING to Jessica and I and we told her that, but she gets mad when we say that. 

She said that if we can't except her excitement, then that's our problem, not hers.

EXCUSE ME?!!

That just utterly and extremely hurt me.I can't believe she was being THAT SELFISH! It took me over the edge. That's why I'm not talking to her right now.

BACK TO TOPIC THOUGH!!

Bethany took me out to lunch at Longhorn for my birthday and it was SO GOOD!!!! I haven't had steak in awhile and it was SO GOOD to eat it after so long!! God, I miss the days when I could afford steak (or when my parents could).

Good times, good times...

After we ate, we went back to my house and watched a movie. After that, we played Super Mario Bros. Wii until guested arrived.

Side note: At this time, Kayla was there making me cake pops and my sister was making cupcakes and my funfetti birthday cake.

When my friend Tyler arrived, I got to go for a joyride in his Bruce Wayne car. IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME!!! Such a beautiful car too!!

We took the car back to his house and switched to his jeep. While we were there, he let me pick out some of his Wii games to borrow! HE HAS SOME AWESOME GAMES TOO!!!

When we got home, nobody arrived yet and it was 7:30pm. By 8pm though, people had arrived. AND THE PARTY BEGAN!!!

We had a blast and it's truly impossible to say what we did, because we went by whatever everyone wanted to do. We cake sugary treats, sugary soda, and my Wii. And yes, the Twister mat WAS used again... The last party we used it at was my summer party last year (Summer Party 2010).

To rap things up, I want to mention that I rapped my birthday song for everyone and it turned out AMAZING!! (If you can live with messing up the rap twice). Check it out for yourself.


OH! I almost forgot to mention. Even though my party ended at 12am, I was awake ALL NIGHT! I pulled an all nighter and didn't even go to bed, knowing I had to work the next days closing shift at 'The Tree'. No worries! I got my rest and we did an awesome job closing!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Fro-Yo all the way!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Not sure how I feel about being alone.

I can't really post anything that would make since, but I can post about how some things have been going on. Ish. I don't know!! I'm not allowed to post these things, but I can give things from my perspective. I hope that's better... I think.

Plus it's honestly the only way to understand this post. I've kept back some information.

Prior Events (June 22nd - July 12th)

I decided it would be fine if I dated Bethany after Jessica because I was single and could. I didn't think about how it'd look to anyone else. Which wasn't necessarily the best thing. Honestly, I was happy with Bethany for the 3 weeks I dated her.

But some stuff happened.

I got back in contact early that start of our 3rd week and some old feelings rehashed themselves that I'd thought had disappeared... Well Gosh, I guess not! I was confused again. So confused that I made some mistakes.

I never wanted to become a cheater. NEVER!

Side note: In the technical terms, being so fresh after a break-up, I felt like I was cheating and it probably wasn't the best option. I still don't regret dating Bethany though. We had never been so close and I was glad that our relationship was growing.

To be totally honest with you readers, I promised myself that I'd ALWAYS be loyal to my girlfriend and/or wife when I get married. I am a stupid, dirty jackass and liar.

Side note: I don't recommend dating your best friend unless you are able to keep that relationship stable, no matter what, because getting involved with BOTH of my best friends... It doesn't always turn out as you plan.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I want everyone to be happy. Honest to God, I just want everyone to be happy! I dated Bethany and I was happy, so happy, for 3 weeks. Why did it end at 3 weeks (and 1 day)? Let me get to that now.

July 12th, 2012!

Today was simply amazing. Let's start out with Jessica.

I GOT TO HANG OUT WITH JESSICA TODAY!!! YAY!!!! Don't be confused readers, I didn't mean to drop her for a month, it just kinda happened that way. I had to find a way to move on and live without her in my life. I dated her for 7 1/2 months. I can't move on if I still have contact. It's not how I do things.

Anyway, today was great because we got to talk and catch up and hang out. I learned that I posted some things that were taken the wrong way. Yes, Bethany is my only Christian friend, but even though Jessica is also a Christian, in a previous blog post, I forget which one exactly, It was implied that I called Jessica a non-Christian, which was NOT my intention at all. I felt so bad when Jessica told me this!!

I don't want to falsify anyone's religion!! That's not what I wanted to do at all!! I mean, my best friend Alexis is a baptist and my friend Melita is a Christian and the rest are Athiest. I don't want to step on anyone's toes!! I REALLY DON'T!!!

It felt like a jerk hearing this and when it was all said and done, I hope I had been able to fix things. I really, really hope so!!

Anyway, Jessica and I got pizza and hung out until she had to go home at 5pm.

Bringing us to church!!

Back up to July 8th...

This is why I had to mention dating Bethany. Earlier on July 8th, Bethany really wanted to tell Michael that we were dating and I really wanted to as well. Well She didn't get to and she got pretty upset about it and just left church (it was over too, so it was a good time to leave, she just left really fast and didn't say goodbye to me).

Back to July 12th now...

So Bethany had an intervention assembled (against Michael or my knowledge) and we had a pretty legit pow-wow for awhile. Good grief was it long!!!! I totally, totally didn't expect what happened!! Okay, church was great (didn't I already say that?) and I was honestly about to leave, but I got called into a back room (one I'd only been in once) and BOOM! It all went down.

Due to "confidentiality" conflicts, I'm not allowed to talk about the specifics, sorry guys! What I can say though is that I agreed to stay single for 2 months, I have an accountability partner now (no choice in that guys), and it all gets finalized on Sunday.

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Really wish I could say more and be more specific, but I can't. I've already stepped on some toes this week and I'm not doing it again (I have pretty big feet)... I think everything will sort out though, I honestly do! Maybe everyone is right and what I need is to be single. I don't want to be single, being alone sucks, but maybe it's best.

I got into relationships with BOTH of my best friends (My only 2 best friends right now) and I knew that it would become complicated. Rule of thumb, you better be ready for anything if you date your best friend, especially if you're really close to both of them.

I also Jessica and Bethany last night that I can't say "I love you" to anyone outside of family for 2 months now, unless teasing or joking around, because I refuse to hurt anyone anymore than I already have. I can't allow myself to say false words that I can't verify right now. I'm so concerned about keeping both parties from being hurt that I know what I'll end up doing and it isn't right. Dude's in the bible may have had 700 wives or whatnot, but that's not how we role in the 21st century (or is it the 22nd now?).

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I don't just work at work, If you know what I mean.

My used to say, "Work, work, I love to work." and I never really got the concept until I decided that I should work so many hours this month. I mean, for pete's sake, I've already worked five 8 hour shifts (doubles) and only have 6 days off this month (as of now). I'm scheduled for 2 more 8 hour shifts (as of now) this month and that's if I don't get offered more between now and then, which I'm sure I will.

All I know is that I'm VERY happy with how things have worked out for me. Very happy indeed. Not to mention in my personal life, things have gotten a little complicated. Work is not what you do at your job. Actually, I wouldn't use complicated, but perhaps, interesting, in how things have played out.

I guess it's time I stop rambling and explain, right? Yes. Not no, but yes.

July 8th

I had church and Bethany was all upset afterwards, it seemed, because I asked her if she was fine afterwards  (she kinda left in a rush without saying goodbye) and now she's been all distant from me all week (which is not like her since we're such close friends). I don't know what to do. I don't ever give up on people unless they give up on me and drop me from existence.

All I know is that I hope she's okay. She hasn't text me very much and being distant is probably her way of trying to feel better. I just wish I could help is all, I just want to help her in any way I can. Be a supportive, caring best friend.

Anyway, I worked 3-7pm and ALSO worked 7-closing, which was an awesome double! I enjoyed myself. It was an overall good day. Just wish Bethany had communicated with me a little better.

July 9th

So on this wonderful day, I worked yet another double and I very much enjoyed it! WOOT! I LOVE WORK!! WORKAHOLIC BABY!!! Haha, okay, I'm not a workaholic, but I do love working and making some cold hard cash for my youthfullness!

Anyway, while I was working, I was texting Jessica, yes, I was texting my ex-girlfriend. I had been texting her off and on this week and because Bethany wasn't texting me, we got to talking and it got pretty deep. We talked about a lot of personal things and I can't honestly remember a lot of what we said, but I remember enough to know that we found understanding between the conversation and the friendship between us strongly grew.

I can't lie to you readers so I'll just tell you now. Some feelings resurfaced. I felt like those dumb Facebook things that say, "Don't ask for me back, when you're the one who left me." or something dumb and cheesy like that. Well, gosh, I don't know why, but I suddenly had all these feelings come forward and I realized I had Jessica back and I didn't wanna lose her and my best friend was back and we were clearing the air and we just poured out everything.

I even talked to her for 2 hours after work!! I was 100% honest with her and just poured out my soul. She returned that to me, but I just... I need to do a lot this week. I got some work ahead of me and not just Lemon Tree either.

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So I got a long week ahead of me and it's only Tuesday. I got to college tomorrow for a student enrollment thing-a-ma-bob! It's gonna be cool. Other than that, I think I got some things to sort out.

Hmmm, maybe I can clarify in my next post. We'll see. I gotta see how June 11th goes. We'll figure it out, no worries!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Legit, I can write and/or sing?!

I have been working a lot lately. Literally, all I've done that past week is work. I've played a little PS2, but that's about it. I usually work all day or sleep. I'm not even kidding when I say that either.

July 3 - July 7th

I worked every day. No joke. Including 3 doubles (which is two 4 hour shifts). I am gonna make BANK!

July 8th

Alright, okay. I admit it, I worked a double today at 'The Tree', but that doesn't mean I'm a workaholic! It just means I'm a growing man who needs to make some cash so I'm not broke and in debt from college. Plus I need a new car. and a laptop. But mostly a car!

Moving on, I worked tonight with Chris and Alyssa (I called her Allison tonight... AWKWARD!) and it wasn't half bad. I worked the double with Alyssa, she also had the same double, which was awesome as can be. I hate it when I work a double (or even a single shift) with someone who won't talk to you or care about your existence being there. That get's annoying. I had a fantastic double with Alyssa though, I got mad respect for that woman now, she's on my list of good employee's.

Yes, I have a list. Be curious, but never know...

Now, I enjoyed 3-7pm, but 7-close got interesting today because Chris came in and had his charisma in high gear. This dude is a skinnier, older, more religiously smarter me. Okay, Chris isn't really like me, we're both just very "hyper" on this night. Full of... Well I probably had a sugar high from my Dr. Pepper (not drinking it in 3 weeks strait and suddenly drinking a bunch of it) and Chris was probably just in a good mood. Whatever the reason, it ended out a fun evening.

For some reason, around closing (and during), we came to the topic of my blog, opening up the topic of my life. It got interesting. We talked about Jessica and Bethany and where are relationships stand and what the definitions of "cheating" are and also about if you are "sinning" if you have a girl stay over at your house. A bunch of random relationship stuff.

Also, we talked about my friend Tammy, who is older than me, but that freaked them out. I think mostly because I met her on Craigslist, but I've known her for 3 months and she's such a sweet, wonderful person. She is legit who she says she is and I decided to Facebook friend her tonight. It was the right time.

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I have really enjoyed working lately. Flat out, I have enjoyed my life lately!!

OH! I didn't say what I did for 4th of July. Honestly, I worked and then hung out with Bethany. Not much else to say. It was a regular night for me.

Back to 'Post Content', Phyllis game me a good amount of shifts this month and I've also picked up a ton as well!! It's awesome!! I got a bunch of shifts now and I love it!! I'm gonna make some serious BANK at the end of the month!

Also, I have posted a love/rap song on my Facebook on June 7th (I wrote it a few weeks back, I think) and it got GREAT feedback!! Oh man, I was freakin' stoked!!

I was so happy that I wrote a parody to "O Christmas Tree!", but instead called it, "O Lemon Tree!" and it has only been on Facebook for about 36 minutes ago from now. I feel loved. I get such great feedback.

I was expecting stuff like, "Stop singing,  you're terrible!" or "LMFAO!! What a joke!", etc... The fact that this feedback is good means that I have a real gift and I'm very thankful to be blessed with it. I just hope God uses it for it's best purposes.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Conclusion: I miss my best friend from 9th grade

Life is a confusing puzzle. Like a million different pieces scattered around and when you get half of it put together, BOOM! You're jerk friend comes into the room and "accidently" destroys your progress. It's just really complicated. Honestly. Finishing this puzzle called my life may never happen, but hopefully I can pick up enough pieces to see part of my puzzle soon.

July 2nd, 2012

Today was just...not the best day for me. Honestly and truly, it wasn't very good. I had to wake up, take a hella fast shower, and go to my dads eye appt. with him, because I had to drive him home. He ended up taking 2 hours opposed to the one hour he told me. Thanks dad, but that's not my problem today. That's just a little annoying something that happened earlier.

My dad goes home and takes a nap so I make plans to see Bethany for a few hours before I work. We hang out, have a great time, and we leave so I can go to work. I call up to Lemon Tree early and let them know I'll be a few minutes late, but to my convenience, Kelsey answers the phone.

I tell Kelsey that I'll be a smidge late and she asks why. I tell her I lost track of time seeing a friend. She says okay, I hang up.

I show up 13 minutes late. Not really that big of a deal since nobody was really in the place buying yogurt. I log in and go in the back to see Kelsey is waiting for me to show up. SHE WAITED FOR ME TO SHOW UP BEFORE SHE LEFT!! How rude is that??

She tells me that she couldn't really hear me on the phone and to explain again why I couldn't come in on time and I again explain that I lost track of time seeing a friend. She tells me that's fine, but to show up on time from now on. She then goes home and proceeds to tell her mom, who's the manager (how convenient for me, right?).

The manager then texts me and tells me that I need to start choosing between my personal life and work because I've been very neglectful as of late. NEGLECTFUL??

Seriously?! I can start throwing employee's under the bus left and right who has been WAY MORE neglectful, but NOOO!! I'm to nice, I don't want them to hate me. So I keep my mouth shut and just tell the manager that I'm sorry and I guess I fell prey to the negative influence of other employee's. I didn't name names, but I slid that into the text.

She tells me she appreciates the effort.

I felt disrespected as an employee tonight, I honestly did, because I'm to nice to rat out other employee's and there faults. I know I'm not the best employee, but I'm also not the worst. I don't feel that I should be treated this way at work. I honestly don't. I do my job to the best of my abilities and yes, I will occasionally fall prey to the negative influence of other employee's, but that doesn't mean I'm a terrible employee or person.

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I feel like Kelsey is becoming more of a co-worker than friend. We never hang out anymore, she treats me like a co-worker and never says positive things to me anymore like she used to as my friend, and I miss her. I miss the friendship we used to have. I miss going to her house and just talking about nothing, but everything. I even miss her dads corny jokes. That's how bad it is. I miss Kelsey as my best friend. I miss the Kelsey I knew in 9th grade who enjoyed my company and thought I was fun.

It's sad when life happens and you wake up one day and all the people you used to know are replaced and you feel like it's your fault. You look in the mirror and wonder what happened to the person that had those friends. Honestly though, I used to have some pretty bad friends though, but they were good friends for me at the time. I enjoyed the friendships I had in Jr. High and High School the most. Those are the friends I truly appreciated the most.

I guess I have to realize that I need to make the change. So maybe I'll just text Kelsey, be honest, and hope that she can understand things from my perspective. I thought I had lost a friend tonight and I've already lost to many people in my life, I don't need anymore loss.

I think God would give me the strength though, to move through that loss, but I think he knows that I can repair it with some effort. I know I can too, I just hope that life gives me back the pieces to my puzzle I've lost, because this puzzle is complex enough without pieces missing in it.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Am I a hypocrite?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot. A lot about my life, my direction. I think I need to pray more, find a better solution, be the better person God intended for me to be, and ultimately grow as an individual.

June 29th - June 30th

The weekend was pretty good. My dad came home, which dampers things (since I drive HIS car). He said some pretty hurtful things to me. I really didn't understand why he was being that way either.

Basically, my dad said that it was a mistake to leave Jessica, that she was good for me, he liked her, I needed to stop being so stupid, I'm going to regret that decision for the rest of my life, etc...

And then he proceeded to tell me that if I don't leave home for college now, he is going to make my room into a gym/office and only keep my bed in the room. how jank is that?! I don't get this man. I really don't.

I love my father, I have more so recently than past, but I just don't understand his logic. He's a "supposed" stronger Christian follower than I am, but he can't see that I was spiritually oppressed while I was with Jessica? Yeesh, and they say I'M SLOW.

July 1st

I really enjoyed church! I am glad that I can finally praise the lord with everything and know that he's there, ready to receive the praise and give back blessings and happiness. It's like I've found the security I've been looking for my whole life. I didn't understand how God spoke to you until recently.

As a kid, I was so spiritually confused  because I was lead to believe that if you prayed to God, he would audibly speak back to you, but nothing ever happened. Nothing. Nada. No audible voice. So I gave up, God didn't wanna talk to me, so why waste my time.

Turns out, he speaks to you through your bible, prayer, he makes me tell myself things, and so many ways that aren't audible. He could speak to you that way, but it's rarely ever going to happen to you. I love how he is such a mysterious, yet loving God. It's awesome!

Speaking of awesome, after church, Bethany, Michael, Laura, and Marissa, went to McDonalds for brunch and had a great time! Its just proof that it's not location, but company, that make a great time!! I wouldn't have asked for any better company (except if Sam weren't turning into a snake lady, I'd have liked her there too).

Side note: Marissa is one of Bethany's friends, she's cool. Also, Sam is Bethany's friend too, but also my friend now also and she's super cool and fun and got bit by a snake last week so is stuck at home for 2 weeks, which sucks.

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I don't want to bad talk my old man, but I just want to say that he gets my goat sometimes and I wasn't very happy with everything that happened, the way that it did. It was very hurtful to hear him saying those opinions, and with such hatred towards my actions. Why can't he see that I'm finally free of the spiritual oppression, can't he see the new me after being baptized in the Holy Spirit? Michael said I was a different person after that, a better man.

I want, so badly, more than anything, to have a relationship with my dad that isn't negative in any context, but it seems so impossible. It's like God is challenging me or something, which I'm not up for, which I also thing God knows.

Mehh, I keep asking myself if all of this change makes me look like a hypocrite to outsiders, but I keep telling myself that until they form a relationship with Jesus Christ themselves, they won't began to understand. This is why my dads opinion shocked me. He's been a Christian all his life.

Outsides don't matter to me. Haters gonna hate, but what does matter to me is how it's going to affect my future, my life, my career, my social circles, and all the variables that go with it.