Monday, December 31, 2012

New Years Rap

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Beyond confused!

Should I be allowing your apologies to get past me? Should I accept or decline the apology after all you did to me these past months? Why would you even be thinking about me right now? Yes, I'm talking about Bethany. I'm so confused!

Bethany messaged me on Facebook. This is what she said:

There are a few things I'm leaving out, which led to this message, but this was her first message to me in months. I'm surprised. She says she cares about me and...she did all that she did? It's confusing. I'm having a hard time bringing myself to trust her again. I really am. I loved her, really loved her and she dropped me like a old sack of garbage. 

I began to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", but that just made me mad because I don't have the kind of forgiveness he does and even though I'm trying to become a better Christian, I can't seem to find the answers I need. So I asked her for a few.

She replied and was very polite about everything. She said she means what she said about caring about me and she said she missed what our friendship used to be. Does that mean she wants to be my friend or girlfriend again? I'm unsure on what she meant, but if she's wanting to be my girlfriend again, she's going to have to earn it with a month or two of pure kindness and good friendship. I was hurt and I'm not so easily manipulated these days.

In the end, we agreed that meeting up and her answering some of my questions would be the best, because I know how easily people can use words online to an advantage. Talking in person has an extra layer of honesty in it so I can tell if she's sincere. I just hope I'm not a fool in the end of this. I was moving on with my life and I was accepting that Gods plan in my life is bigger than I can ever imagine. I've been relying on him and trusting that his way is best, so this better lead somewhere good within me or I'll know it's not what God wants for me.

To be honest, I fully let go of loving her, but I never wanted to. I will lose myself if I trust her again only to lose it. I may seem strong, but really I'm just as weak as anyone else, if not more so...

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Tid Bit Lonely

It's times like this when I really wish things had worked out with Bethany. I miss the idea of us being happy, but more importantly, I miss the fact that I don't get to see Michael, Laura, Amanda, or Lloyd nearly as much, if at all!!

Let me clarify, I don't miss Bethany. I miss my church friends. Bethany dropped me like a old cheese in the back of the bridge. I was trash, garbage, and no longer important to her. If she can treat me like that, I shouldn't miss her, right? Okay, I miss her a little bit...but not enough to bother contacting her, because all she'll do is make me hate her more and if she keeps acting like a heartless bitch to me, I'll probably end up snapping.

I've moved on, the idea of us should too.

Now back to topic, I miss Michael most of all!! He and I would have lunch from time to time, keep in touch, talk about anything and he'd help with my problems. I respected him so much, and still do...I just hope he doesn't think I've walked away or stop talking to me. I honestly  miss the good times we've had. I know he has a baby now, which is the cutest thing ever, but I just miss talking to Michael, even if it was nothing at all.

Michael truly cared about me, like a real person should, like my own father should. I can talk to Michael about anything in the world and feel more comfortable than talking to my own dad. I respect Michael and his son is the luckiest kid in the world. I truly believe that.

I know that I'm working things out in my life right now, growing in who I am, etc...but I just wish I could speed things along. I don't know. Guess it's all in my head, I should be excited for my Christmas Party on Thursday, but instead I'm wishing I could see my church friends. I know I'll have a good time, my rap will be off the chain, but...oh never mind, it's not important.

Friday, December 21, 2012

A not so simple apology.

Okay, I'm not sure what's going on with my life right now. I'm single, like really single. I can live life for me, officially. No more secrets or using others. I'm growing up. I'm not running away. I always ending up tripping and falling in my lies and web of conspiracies. I'm really not as evil as I try inevitably make myself look.

You all want to know what the hell I'm talking about right? Me too. The truth is that I was lying to some people lately, but things resolved themselves on there own so I don't think I've still got an obligation to be honest, so i'm dropping things as they are and moving on to fix things in my life. No, that won't leave me with guilt or anything, but I'm finally all my own. I feel good that nobody was hurt and everything worked out.

Now all I have to worry about is my Christmas Party 2012!

Yes, I'm having a Christmas Party, calm down. No, you're not invited. Why? DO I EVEN KNOW YOU?!! My point exactly!

Hit me up on Facebook or details will not be shared. All that will be shared on my blog is the awesome Christmas Rap I'll be preforming! It's going to be legit dope! But enough with Christmas Party chatting, that's not for another week.

On a personal note, I'll be real with you guys. I think I'm changing from one bad person to another form of a bad person...I try to fight Satan when I can, but he knows when I'm weak...It's not hard to find. I miss my accountability meetings with Lloyd. At the time, I thought I was doing it for Bethany, but Michael saw reason for this beyond that and I need them now more than ever!

Lloyd always listened and now I like talking to him. He helps me out and I try to help him as I can. I know I'm not a strong Christian, but I know Lloyd is and our meetings keep me strong. I need to have them, but Lloyd's always busy, it seems. I hope he's okay. We don't meet as much, which is my fault. I'll take the fall on that one. I was in a bad place. Now I'm back and strong and I'm trying.

Sidenote: Also, I miss Michael. Since he had his baby, it seems I can never see him. I really miss him too though and now that there's no church till 2013...I'm not going to see him. It makes me sad.

I'm still in a bad place though, I see that. I get mad at my sister more than ever. I just...really don't like her these days. She comes across as fake and phony with EVERYTHING! It looks like she manipulates her friends and uses people. When she doesn't get what she want's, she plays the "poor me" card and calls either mom or dad. It's making me hate her. Literally hate her. I don't want to hate her, but I think I do...Or that's what I'm not done convincing myself that I don't.

I feel like a horrible person and brother, but I can't help feeling this way. ONE PROBLEM AFTER ANOTHER!!! No biggie, I got dis!

So I've been thinking a lot about music lately and I can just feel that 2013 is the year my music career really takes off! If you guys don't already know, Phat Love is my industry name. I'm do a lot of rap and a few other things, but I always make it dope!

That's all I really got for you guys this time. I'm working things out. I'm growing though. I hope to post the live rap before New Years!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

What's happened since then?

Hey guys, you're probably asking yourself a lot of questions since reading the lat post. Well I'm alive, that's the good part. I didn't post that blog though, sooo I changed my password and I have been logging in daily just to make sure nothing has happened on my site. So far, so good....

The only reason I kept that post is because if they so badly wanted to say that about me that they literally HACKED into my blog, I give them all the more power to get that opinion off there mind. So I guess it meant a lot to get people to hate me....I'm taking it down, reading that back makes me sound stupid.

ANYWAY!! I'm making SLOW progress on my Christmas song I'm writing for my party on Dec. 27th. I hope I can finish it in time, but so far it's not looking to good...I'll see what I can do. As for posting some long post about things, I'm tired, I just wanted to give you guys an update.

Enjoy you're warmer December weather guys!

Friday, November 30, 2012

What was I thinking this whole time?!

I can't believe I was stupid enough to think that Bethany would let someone love her. HAHA!! She's to afraid of being happy that she can't accept what I offered and today I finally realized I'm better than this. My friends ended up being right this whole time about her. I can't believe I thought otherwise.

I am so glad I began to see the light because loving her was like a plague and it would have killed me after a long enough period of time. The cure is to never love that woman and run away from the temptation of loving her again. I CAN DO THAT!! She is ignoring me, so now I can move on and live a life of fulfillment!!

I'm so glad I finally came to my senses, because it was  baffling to Nathan and Carolyn how I loved her so much and to answer, in short, I'm the kind of man who doesn't give up on people very easily. I have hope and believe in them for as long as  I possibly can, it's a part of who I am, how God made me.

She's to much for me to deal with anyway. our personalities don't match, she's to crazy, and I couldn't deal with her anger issues if I tried. I was lying to myself to think that God meant for us together. I NEVER WANT TO BE WITH HER!!! That's a thought that makes me feel...I don't even know.

Ehh, life happens and I respect her, but boy was she right to think we're not meant for each other. Normal and Crazy don't mix. I like my normal life, but her crazy might make mine way to complex for my liking. GOOD BYE!!

I wish we'd have at least kept a friendship though, that'd have made everything better for me. I wanted to be friends with her, since we could get along and all. Guess that won't happen. Oh well, won't cry over it anymore. I'm finally moving on!


Bethany stopped going to my church so I went for the first time in forever last Wednesday and it was great going again, I felt happy and knew God was there and feeling his presence again made me burst with joy!!


I got to hold Michael's baby after service!! HE WAS ADORABLE!!!!


I literally died in happiness holding that baby, which never happens, trust me.

To Murphy, he gave me a flat tire this week, but luckily I got that situation all fixed and as of now, nothing is wrong with my car. Murphy is going big and has eyes on my brakes right now, but lucky for me, my dad saw they were getting worn and I'm fixing them when I get paid Monday! I'm glad for that too!!

Murphy is gonna back off pretty soon, but not after his last ditch effort to kill me.

Life is so damn fine right now!!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

As of late...

As of late, I've given up. Flat out done with Bethany at this point. I decided that if she can't see my harmless intentions and, more importantly, agree with them, returning the love I feel, then I have no choice but to move on. So I'm finally giving up.

I wish I could have ended this on a better note, but life isn't going to have that "perfect movie ending" so I have to give up. I'm going to walk away. If she decides that my love is the one for her in the future, she knows how to find me. I am going to stop texting her, try like hell to stop loving her, and move on with my life, for God.

Today is a new day, God has made, and I'm not going to let my own self pity bring me down. Only two people go to a pity party, you and the devil. NO THANKS SATAN!! I'm out.

Oh yeah! Also, as of late, Mr. Murphy has been follow me around, causing doom. 2 flat tires and 4 new tires for $176, a droped A-line, and a busted ball joint later Mr. Murphy has caused me to become broke for 2 months in a row. He's really pissing me off, but he can see that only so much can go wrong before he has to stop. Next stop, brake pads.

My dad noticed that my brake pads were pretty bad when we were getting 2 of my tires this week. Oh yes, imagine me driving with no brakes...NOT PRETTY!! I want to die a natural death, but dying in Freddy doesn't sound like the most fun idea...

Side Note: Mr. Murphy is a reference to Murphy's law and Freddy is what I named my car (Fredrick Brian Owen Love).

Anyway, so thanks to Murphy, I can't afford Christmas for a damn person this year, which really pisses me off!! My savings is gone, my paycheck has shrunk by $300 since Worlds of Fun closed, and I don't see a way to turn that around in time for Christmas.

So expect to see fewer posts about Bethany now, because if I'm going to truly be done with her, I have to stop thinking about her all the time, which means I have to stop talking about her in my blog. It's harder than it sounds, but I know I can do it...with time. Which is all I've had these past few months!! OH BOTHER!!

On the plus, I got my Christmas Party to look forward too! In exactly a month, I've gotta write and memorize a rap I told people I'd write...I promise to post it on here and my Facebook for you guys to see. The live version and "Studio" versions.

As for now, I'm content.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Transit of Venus

So lately, I've been addicted to Three Days grace since I heard this song on 98.9 The Rock, FM Radio.

So far, I've heard a few songs from the album, but it's really good!! My favorite song, so far is, The High Road. Here is the entire album for you, thanks to Spotify! Enjoy it and take a listen to The High Road, you'll see why I like it.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Possibly getting better

I might get a job at Chipotle this week. I had a 2nd interview today and I feel as though it went great for me. I could be wrong though, but I'm pretty positive about it. I want to post a blog and not mention Jessica or Bethany or WOMAN in general, as a whole topic, but there's no escaping it. Not to mention the few of you who feed off my all to crappy love story. You people are twisted, but I love my fans, no matter who they are, if I have any, that is.

Well still no progress with Bethany, nothing more to add. I can only speculate so much before I give up and I'm at the point where I've walked away myself and I'm beginning to grow used to her not being around. I have an example to help show this, but don't think of me as to twisted.

Remember in New Moon how Bella was after Edward left? She spent months in pain, screaming in her sleep, a hole in her chest, no comfort for her pain unless she had an adrenaline boost, which only lasted temporarily.

For me, I had my months of pain, but I never lost sleep. Sure, a part of my heart was gone, forever it seemed, but I found comfort in the things Bethany left at my house, old memories I have, and the blog posts of our good times. I don't blame Bethany anymore, I give her credit. It took a lot for her to walk away as she did. She wouldn't just tell anyone she loved them so I know she had real feelings, but I got the short end of the stick is all.

I can't complain about that, I've grown accustomed to that; being cheated, that is. I don't worry about it much, it happens to us all, just more frequently does it come my way. Bethany is a sweet woman, she cares about people, but she just needs people who get her.

I get her.

I got who she was on a level not many could comprehend. Yeah, I know how it sounds coming from me, whose been without contact for months (other than Facebook/text). She doesn't want to text me, because she'll prove to me I was in her thoughts, but that's alright.

I'm not ashamed to say that I think about her all the time. If anyone wants to think I'm stupid, tell me I need to stop, etc...let them. It won't stop me from having my ways of dealing. Life is all to much of a bitch so I'm taking this one day at a time.

I can work on getting through college, making a career for myself. Maybe we'll both be different people in a few years and be able to start over. For one thing, I'd better be a stronger Christian in a few years! I don't want to be stuck in this "riding the fence" phase my whole life. I'm trying to leap over to God's side, but my legs aren't totally corresponding with me.


Jessica and I are fine right now, I s'pose. Our relationship is nothing close to what it was when we dated or before then. It's just what it used to be. Not that its bad, just that its not the same.

I'm honestly scared for when Bethany becomes my friend again. Bethany and Jessica had such a....hatred for each other, it seemed. Jessica used to be the sweetest girl, and she still is, but college truly does change people. I don't want any more problems, drama, or jealousy of the other.

I want to live a simple life, problem free. NOT POSSIBLE.

I want to work a regular job with regular hours. NOT POSSIBLE.

I want my life to go back to something normal and stable. NOT POSSIBLE.

When will my life change? When I choose. That's not always so easy though and I've figured that out...

Monday, November 5, 2012

Let's talk about my love issues again

I assume at this point that if Bethany is truly done with me all together, to give up so easily  on the relationship we have, love we shared, and everything in our whole friendship, I am guessing she has stopped reading my blog as well.

Sure, it says she's following my blog, but is she really? I highly doubt it. Okay, honestly...I won't lie to you. She probably still reads my blog. I bet you if I bashed her on my blog, ranted on about how "my life would have been better if..." or "If I'd have tried harder...", she'd be blowing up my Facebook the following day, maybe even same day if she had chosen to glance upon it that day.

As for now, in the current, I think Bethany is having issues, like me. I have issues with love, but Bethany has issues in trust. Some might think that's one in the same, but I view it differently. You can love someone with all your heart, but never trust them. Trust is something you grow to have with someone. If certain people you're close to break that trust, it hurts you.

I used to have trouble trusting people after I'd lost my friendship with George and Kyle, but I started to trust people again, after a year or so. Maybe Bethany has deeper trust issues than I'm lead to assume. She talked to me, like really talked to me, when we were friends. We used to be the greatest friends, but then, when she formed her crush...things changed. I loved her, really loved her, but then...well, I won't rehash that story again.

I wish I could pray like I used to. I want to talk to God again, but I'm to damn afraid of him being mad at me for walking away again. I've walked away so many times, it makes me feel and look more and more like a bad Christian. I'm surprised Michael and Lloyd haven't stopped being my friend. Apparently you're supposed to lose people when you walk away from God so I lost Bethany and then I lost Jessica, now I'm alone with only two friends in my life who seem to care.

Not that Nathan and Carolyn aren't great, they truly are the best, but I just wish I had someone to give me biblical advice and help me. Nathan and Carolyn respect my religion, but that's about it. I couldn't ask anymore of them, they're truly the best for that.

As for Jessica, things are on rocky ground right now. I like to think we're fine, but I never know anymore. I even complain about my life and she gets mad at me. I can't voice myself to her like I used to be able to. She always wanted me to be honest, but now it's like she'd rather me cover up the truth so things look all nice and good. Nothing in my life is "nice and good." If you can find that, let me know, I could use the example.

Oh well, Bethany's gone. Jessica's close to leaving now. Pretty soon, I'll be alone, broken, and see no point in anything. I've been there, going back was somewhere I'd never want to go back to. I promised myself...I've broken enough promises lately, it seems my words no good anyway.

If I can get out of this place i'm in right now, I might be happy enough to record my "Peanut Butter Princess" song. We'll have to see how I feel though...I just hope things turn around. For now, ehhh...better enjoy what I have left before it walks away too.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Trusting God and my attempt to talk myself into trying

God really went hard at giving men a job on earth. He also gave Satan WAY TO MUCH POWER!! I saw that in caps, because my heart is no longer in my chest at this point. I'm trying, trying, trying, but I can't let go. I'm begging myself to forget my past, start my new...but it's not that easy.

It's never that easy.

Basically here's the scoop. Bethany hates me still, I text her every morning to tell her how great today is, or make a joke about the weather. I always end my text asking how she is. Saturday morning, she replied. Got all mad at me, told me to stop.

I basically, in a nutshell, told her that I wish I could. God has a plan, I hate it more than anything having to text her in the morning, but I feel compelled to text her, to tell her good morning. I feel it inside that she needs it. I don't know...God has a plan, so I'm going to follow it.

I hate being religious, but I can't help it. I've always KNOWN something or someone created us. I also knew that we were created with a purpose. I've just known. No other way to explain it! I just wish God made things easier...he wants me to grow, he wants me to explore and find my truth. I know he loves me, but it's hard.

The rein Satan has over earth and humans is all to large. I know that I'm a sinner, I know that! I've screwed plenty of times to know THAT'S true. Now Bethany is just...being complicated, I guess. Why does God tell you lies? HE DOESN'T!! It's like Bethany things I'm making this whole shebang up!


I'd drop her yesterday if I knew there wasn't some God-ordered plan for us. God told me and I kept that to myself, but Bethany got...well, how she is, and when I told her that God told me that, she said it was false because she wasn't told that. Well God won't tell both parties every time. My dad was told he'd marry my mom, but when he told her, she ran from him. Called him crazy and she hated him for awhile...

I don't want to repeat history here, but that same thing is happening to me. There was a time where my love for Bethany was so real, deep, passionate, and I fell for her in a matter of days. My love hasn't stopped since. Her's apparently wasn't mutual...

So where does that leave Jessica? Glad you asked...Jessica is probably in the worst spot within this whole thing. She is at that spot where I still love her, but my love for Bethany is stronger. While I'm agreeing to do this trial dating thing with Jessica again, I don't know how it'll turn out.


I can say that, but don't agree unless your in the same boat. I am a Christian, I love God and will forever live for him, but sometimes I just get so angry and just scream. God knows that, he made me that way. I think when I yell and blame God, he takes it objectively and knows I still love him, but that I'm aggravated. Some people think I'm all pissed off and REALLY blaming God, but I'm not. Those people need to look at themselves and not others.

Jessica is a nice and sweet girl. She's amazing! I just wish I could be with her forever and ever! God has a destiny. God has a plan. God this and God that, right? People who bash religion all make great points about it, especially if they've walked away, but once I experienced God, I just couldn't walk away.

Sure, I stopped going to church, but I will ALWAYS know the truth now. God is real, created us WITH A PURPOSE, and I know great things are ahead in my life. God wouldn't let me create suicide. He made me so afraid of dying, because my future is so bright! I know it is too.

As I began typing this post, Bethany replied to my "Good Morning!" text from this morning, yelling at me in caps to leave her alone. She told me I'd be waiting my entire life if I was waiting on her to come back to me. I knew I would wait that long anyway. God knows that patience brings reward. He knows I suck at being patient. I'm working on that. I've honestly gotten better too!! I think I have grown as a person. Not enough though. Not quite enough.

I was also texting Jessica, who's arguing with me about if it's bad or good that a guy slept IN HER BED in HER dorm room when he HAS HIS OWN in the SAME building. She says he was there when she woke up. PERFECT! She won't drop it either, she HAS to be right, even when she's wrong. They shouldn't be allowed in rooms after she's asleep either!! WHAT KIND OF COLLEGE IS SHE AT?!! Whatever. I'm trying so hard to not care, but I do.

Again, what a life I have, right?

Sorry this post had to be all religion, God, and my crappy love story. I didn't choose my life, I was just given it. I'm making the best out of a bad situation.

Hurting is the last thing I want happening, so I'm treading carefully.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Betrayer of love?

I was driving in the car, not five minutes ago, and I almost cried. I won't give up by Jason Mraz came on and all I could think about was Bethany. I have a problem. I'm trying to let go of her. Trying to walk away.

My heart is having a hard time, a hard time letting go...moving on. I just want to forget about love for a day and smile. Maybe I'll turn my phone off for a week and see what happens. Maybe not...I depend on my phone for people to offer me shifts at work.

I love Jessica.

I love Bethany.

Talk about a complex love story! Who's has my heart? Bethany. Who am I dating? Jessica. Who ultimately wins? Nobody. I feel like i'm giving Jessica empty love, but I'm trying to hard to make this work. I don't understand why I can't just go back...before I loved Bethany...when I truly did love Jessica.

Love's a bitch. It's mean and cupid can kiss my ass, because all I've ever done with love was hurt people. I've never accomplished anything truly extraordinary or something that made two souls perfect. I've just caused hurt and suffering and broke one heart after another. I'm like the freakin' grimm reaper of love. Tearing the hearts out of people and making soulless bodies live amongst those who've found love.

I feel like my life has been great in the realm of friendship. Nathan and Carolyn think I'm awesome and are always hanging out with me, but in the realm of love...I am failing hardcore. Maybe it's all because Gods trying to tell me something? I need to stop depending on the love of others and depend on his love instead? No...that's to obvious. Though that's true, and maybe I should do that, I don't think that's what he is trying to say right now...I think.

Maybe I have what I need to know if front of me, I'm just not looking. It's all a devine failure in the end, it seems. Though I've tried to make progress...

Bethany's phone is back on so I've been trying to text her but she keeps telling me I'm too young for her. she was born August 14th, I was born July 20th. 2 months is not that far apart!! That seems like a BOGUS excuse to me. Also, she said that If I'd told her that God told me we'd end up together, she'd have tried, but now it's too late. OKAY??

If God wants us to end up together, it's never to late and it will happen. Maybe I need to stop. Alas, I can't though! My heart, I can feel it, bleeding love for Bethany. I am walking away though and I keep hearing that I'm cheating on Bethany and our destined love, but it's not's just feelings, yet I feel bad about walking away and not waiting, like I'm impatient and incapable of waiting on her to catch up.

I love Jessica, honestly and truly, I will date her, I will love her, but I don't want to hurt her...God my head ALWAYS so full when I'm alone. All I know is I'm done hurting Jessica. She won't get hurt again, but when she tries using our old cute things, they don't feel the same anymore, mean the same...they just hurt, making me wish I could go back to when they didn't...

God help me, I need it.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Will mixing love and religion ever work for me?

Well here I am again, being a complete ass again. I lost jessica, lost her forever, but then I had one option to save it...I won't lose her, but I didn't want to hurt her further...I'm at a turning point again. UGH!

I'm sure you read Jessica's side of things from her blog and I won't lie, I said everything she quoted. We got into an argument and, even though I love Jessica still, I love Bethany too. People ask me, "What did Bethany do that was so great, you won't stop loving her?" and that's a good question. I think to myself, but all I can think of is that I feel as though God himself told me we'd end up together in the end.

I don't know, I love Jessica too, and Bethany doesn't want anything to do with me, so I told Jessica we'd go a "Trial 2 weeks", which means we'll date for 2 weeks and see if we like it, but NO attachments, so if we don't see this going good long term, we can stop. I just wish I could find a way to stop hurting everyone.


It's like, I'm enjoying my life all dandy fine, but fate won't allow me to die. UGH, JUST KILL ME ALREADY GOD!!!

Mixing romance and religion is hard. I'm an awful Christian, but I look up to my Youth Pastor Mike. He's a great guy and honestly the only man in my life I respect on such a high level. I'm waiting for this 3 month meeting to happen, but after Bethany walked away for GOD ONLY KNOWS what reason, I don't know if we'll have that meeting anymore.

I love Bethany, I do, but I'm trying so hard to let go so I can move on. I know I'm doing this 2 weeks with Jessica, so maybe it'll work. Or maybe I'll hurt her worse...I don't want that to happen though. I want God to tell me what to do. I don't even have time to do my college homework, yet alone read my bible.

Bethany is acting all righteous like she's doing the right thing, but if God see's us together, I'm going to get Bethany in the end. I want Jessica and I to work, but those words about not being "spiritually compatible" play in my mind, over and over...I WON'T GIVE UP THOUGH!!!

I will try with Jessica, try against the odds, but I feel like Jonah, running away from God...I don't want to get eaten by the modern whale and learn a lesson the hard way...but I want to be with someone and happy. I won't use Jessica!!! That argument scared me. She blocked me on Facebook and shut me out (and her ex boyfriend threatened to beat me up if I didn't answer the phone and talk to him).

Life is shit.

Plain and simple.

As Lloyd told me, "...If you are not comfortable with who you are in Christ, the you won't be happy with whoever you are dating." and that scares me, because i'm nowhere near comfortable with who I am in Christ. I'm a terrible believer, I should be exiled from religion with how bad I am! Luckily, God is a God of second chances. He loves and keeps loving. he forgives and keeps forgiving. I am blessed to know a God so wonderful, but I can't seem to get back into the habbit of religion, which is scary. I had a routine of going to church and fellowship, and that kept me on track.

Now I can't even find the time to read my bible. I love Jessica, I do, I love her greatly, but she knows I love Bethany still too, and moving past that will still take time. I can't just forget and move on or I would have 2 months ago.

In my eyes, even though I love Bethany, she's a home wrecker. She waited until Jessica and I had our first real fight to admit her crush on me. I find out Jessica and I aren't spiritually compatible and Bethany says we are, so I date Bethany and leave Jessica. Few months later, I end up being last months flavor and Bethany leaves me with no explanation (still to this day).

I love Bethany, but she is a cruel, hateful person. She's no better then Christine, wrongly hating me. I did nothing wrong and yet she still hates me. I was so kind to that woman too, her son, George, was my very best friend and now what are we? Strangers going...who went to the same church.

I want to fix things with Christine.

I want to fix things with Bethany.

I want to mend Jessica's broken heart.

Most of all though, I want to fix things with God and be who I'm meant to be under his glory. Love and religion never seem to work for me, but I don't give up. Will it ever work for me? I don't know...if so, God, please just tell me now...I'm losing faith it will.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Vlog Update: Part 1 & 2

Sidenote: Make sure you watch the videos with ANNOTATIONS ON.

Post Content: I hope my next video doesn't take 4 and a half days to process.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Struggling, to be honest

DISCLAIMER: I only want to be honest with all my readers, because this blog is everything to me. It's how I get things out, sort things in my mind, get my feelings out, etc...don't take anything I say to personally or seriously. I'm not suicidal anymore. I promise.

Past month or two

To be honest with you guys, I'm falling. I'm falling so hard, into the ground, and I'm below ground level at this point. My heart is busted. My heart is nothing but a gap in my body. My soul is slowly fading away. Who I am is not who i wanted to be. Not really. I love who I am, but I hate how I am. By that, I mean, I love my friends, job, college, life, and world, but I never pictured my life being away from God for any part of it after I got saved back in August 2011.

I walked away back in July (or maybe it was August), I walked away, that's the point. Returning to the world, as my dad put it, is like a dog returning to it's vomit. Once the blood of Jesus saves you, your purified and you DON'T WANT to go back to your old life. I guess that's a good thing, but I'm fighting it. I'm pushing through it and making myself comfortable.

I'm getting to the point where I just want to die. I don't have the guts to kill myself, never did. I am WAY TO SCARED of going to hell, that just terrifies me, which is why living this life is hard for me. What I want is to die naturally, so I have a chance to get into heaven by Gods grace.

I could get hit by a car, have a heart attack, choke on my food while I'm eating, I don't really care. I just want to leave this cruel, painful, terrible world, but it HAS TO BE NATURAL CAUSE! I told Jessica that and she freaked out, she didn't take it calmly like I thought, but said I was being selfish.

I want everyone to stop caring about me. Just stop.

If everyone stopped caring, I could die like I want and nobody would be hurt, but apparently I'd hurt people, and I don't know if I want to put someone through that pain. Not like I'd ask for it, I live my life every day, hang with my friends, don't show this side of who I am, and I'm fine.

This is all in the back of my  mind.

Sure, I have plans for my future, but I won't be disappointed if I happen to die. It's not like this world is worth remembering anyway. When you're in heaven, your it man,  you're done! Life is forever the perfect bliss.

I can love and not regret it, not hate it, or the thought of it. I can love and know that it's the purest, most loving kind. I want to love, so bad, I want to know that I can love someone, anyone, and not get hurt. Truth is, we all get hurt, it's just those who are worth going through that pain for.

That's two-fold though.

Just because you love someone, fight for them, and prove yourself worthy...doesn't mean they'll still pick you, let you love them, and spend forever in happiness with them. I am living proof that being hurt won't stop, no matter what. I'm holding all this rejection inside me, all this hate, pain, and torture. I won't hurt anyone like I've been hurt, so I'm going to be single.

Back to my main topic, if I love someone and die, that's unfair towards them. So I'll live my life alone, so that when I do eventually die, I won't have to worry about that love hurting someone. If you think about it, really think, putting YOUR opinion(s) aside, I'm being generous and respectful towards everyone in my thinking/actions.

If I ever do die guys, I'm sorry. I really am, but other than blogging and writing in general, I had no gifts. I'm not social, I'm terrible with people.  I can't understand math or science worth a damn. All I am is the guy who can write. If I ever become a writer, I see myself being a dark writer. I'm in the middle of writing some angry anti-love songs. Showing the flip side of love. Showing the hate, bitterness, and raw anger in how love really is.

Movies lie. People lie. We are all being deceived. I will never trust a woman with my heart again. I don't care that I'm 19 years old and I don't care that I'm "to young to give up". Me and my homies already have a gameplan of living together and I'm not letting some woman come up and say that isn't right and won't let me. I don't need restrictions. I need freedom. This is America, after all.

I want to put all my songs, poems, stories, everything on my blog when I die. That's my request. I want you guys to read my pain, see the lyrics and words. You'll understand then. I don't see my songs on the radio, maybe a few? I don't see myself getting real well known.

I've given you guys the real, uncensored, raw experience of who Zachary Love is. That's all I ever wanted to do. Except me for who I am, all my flaws, pain, doubts. Or not. I don't really care anymore.

My blogs gotten me into trouble a few times, but it's a personal blog, sorry for offending you. I didn't know I had to censor my opinions. Anyway, I hope  you guys can bear with me while I get through all of this. I've never wanted to die like this. I've wanted to take action, but now I can't.

It's like God won't let me. He is trying to tell me something, I know it. I can't manage to take action, that just scares me SO MUCH! Death isn't bad though, so I don't know why it's so scary to me. It is. So scary.

Guess I'll figure it out. My life is void for now, my soul rendered useless, and I'm going to be incognito in my mind for awhile, just until I can figure everything out...

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Car, Bethany, and Life update

I have been under a lot of stress lately, so I haven't had time to really post much. With balancing school, social life, and work, I've really been jam packed with stuff to do every minute of every day. I hope that this post catches up, but with my brain, it's likely to only get half the details.

Then - Now (in a nutshell)

So lets just start out saying that Jessica and I are on the same page again, best friends, and happy. Not to bash anyone, because that's honestly NOT my intention here, but I feel like I was manipulated into dropping our entire relationship. I know that I made the concious decision to break up with her. That was MY CHOICE, but I feel like the friendship made everyone mad, especially Bethany.

At the time, I was agreeing to date Bethany, so of course her opinion mattered to me, but it should never be a "pick me or her" type of deal. That's all, as they say, history now, but It's a nice reflection of how I've grown. Also, Jessica's car is SUPER COOL!! I got to ride in it recently and she got HOOKED UP!! It's a Buick like my dads!! SO LUCKY!!! I wanted a Buick as my first car but... OH YEAH!! You don't know that yet...I am behind the screen smirking right now, because I'm so excited to tell you!!


It was such an exciting day for me as I took a step in faith, hoping that the car I chose would be worth the investment, but to this day, I AM SO THANKFUL!! Yesterday was the first OFFICIAL day I got to drive it for myself. I'm very excited about it. I'll post pictures on here in my next post, but I don't have any right now.

Moving on, I want to talk about Bethany now. We have fallen out of contact and, I think, our friendship died too. I love that woman SO DAMN MUCH, I gave her my whole world and everything within me, I still love that woman, but she just...I don't know, she just changed, I guess.

We were so in love and happy together until one day, explainable, she drops me like I'm the plague or something. Literally, I stopped seeing her, hearing from her, and knowing if she was alive for a month strait. I eventually got fed up and messaged her on Facebook. We talked a bit on there, but I knew her phone had broke or something, but to stop talking to me?

It's karma. Biting me in the frickin' ass!

Bethany is doing to me as I did to Jessica. I chose Bethany over Jessica and I went to war, fighting for her love, and I had it for awhile, but nothing lasts forever I'm guessing, even love. As of right now (because I won't go into the details), I'm letting her go. I'm not going to stop caring, but I am letting her live her life as she wants.

As for love, I don't want anything to do with that stuff. It's poisoned the soup bowl to many times for my liking and I don't trust it anymore.

You know how people say to leave your personal life off Facebook because nobody cares? Well I ignored that recently and, in an effort to prove my love to Bethany, I posted this on my wall:

As well as also posting this on the same day:

Surely you've heard that song so surely you know my feelings for this woman. THEY ARE PRETTY DAMN STRONG!! I just want to prove to her that even when things are rough and she wants to be alone, I'll stay strong and love her through it. I won't be the person that walks away because things are convenient for me. I know damn well life's not convenient and it sucks, but I know how to man up and take things for what they are.

I don't ask that Bethany comes running back into my arms, I just ask that my best friend comes back to realizing that I'm not the enemy and whatever she thinks I did, WHICH I DON'T KNOW YET, she'll realize that I'm not that type of person. My love is real and passionate and the kind of love that stands strong in any weather.

I'll keep waiting, but only because I know what God's told me. I'll live my life for me right now, grow in who I am, but my love won't cease. God made me with so much love and care, so who am I to throw judgement at others? I am a peacemaker, I like fixing problems.

Especially my own!

But if Bethany refuses to meet up with me and talk, I can't do anything about it. What am I supposed to do, ambush her at work? That would just make me look desperate and bad, which I'm not. I want to prove to her that I am a patient man, kind, gentle, loving, and compassionate towards the feelings of others.

I want her to remember all the good times we had together and wait for her to realize that it's not worth throwing away over...well, whatever it is. She needs a man like me to be successful in love one day, because when she is determined only the love of someone she cares about will put her back into her right mind.

If it's not me, I'll move on. I don't see any alternatives for her though, considering I'm Gods match for her, but if she marries another man, I hope the best for him.

It takes a real man to love that woman and I hope she finds him. Even if it's not me.

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As far as work goes, I'm making the dough. Nuff said.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Truth: More than a friendship...

Remember how I told you I would eventually tell you, my readers, the truth, catch them up on everything once it's happened? I can finally start doing that now, thankfully. It was advised against my church that I post this, but as much as I love and respect them (and trust me, there's nobody I trust more (other than God or my best friends), I feel as though I have to do this. I need to do this to keep you, my readers, informed, and to furthermore explain why I've been so upset (and also excited) this week.

Side note: I mean no disrespect towards ANYONE in this post. I seem to have a great thing going with pissing people off from posting my opinions on this blog, but what nobody ever got was that my opinion is there, regardless of if I post it online or keep it to myself. Being honest offends you? I thought people liked honesty in a relationship, saw it as a chance to grow and what-not. Just please don't be upset with me. Let's grow from this.

June 15th - 17th, 2012
A.K.A. The Camping Trip

Remember that camping trip I went to back in June? Yeah, that is where this all begins. You see, I'm a douchbag and I really came to realize that thanks to the events following. I will admit that I'm not perfect, anyone who knows me should know that. I'm just Zach Love, average Joe living in the world best I can.

I get tempted as does the next guy. The only difference is that the smart guy will see temptation and laugh at it's fable attempt and walks away, practically mocking the fact that temptation occurred as to the dumb guy who get's drawn in and captured, woo'd by the mystery of it all.

I am the dumb guy today.

You see, it came to my attention over the camping trip that Bethany began feeling...close to me. I don't even know if that's the right way to describe it, I don't want to demoralize anyone, but it came to my attention that she was forming feelings for me.

I was beyond flattered that TWO people had feelings for me, Jessica, my girlfriend, and now Bethany. That was all fine and dandy, but because of that fight Jessica and I had before the camping trip...things got a little intense. We didn't really talk much and there was a small tension between us. Sure, we still shared the same tent and everything was fine, but looking back, I could have just let go and fixed things.

Instead I was a douche.

The last night of our camping trip, it was crowed in my moms tent (as four people were trying to share one) so Bethany asked if she could stay in the tent Jessica and I were using. I didn't know what to say, but Jessica and I agreed on it.

We slept fine, after the stupid tent wouldn't zip up, but Bethany asked if she could sleep topless. Jessica was really skeptical, as was I (even though my brain was thinking "BOOBS!"), but Jessica said it was okay. As for who slept where, Jessica offered the middle, OBVIOUSLY, but Bethany wanted me to sleep in the middle. My silence in the arrangement confirmed that I would sleep there. It was hours later when I couldn't sleep. Bethany was asleep to my right, as was Jessica to my left. Bethany rolled onto her side, facing me, and even though it was dark, I saw the outline of skin.

Needless to say, I touched her.

I woke her up, but she didn't seem to mind. She had a smile on her face about the whole thing. In the tent, just by, and ONLY, touching her, I cheated. I was doing what I promised myself I'd never do. I was going against MY own morals! I was cheating on my girlfriend.

Early that morning, my stomach was killing me. I felt awful inside, as did Bethany, and it wasn't the food we had eaten the night before. I had my theories, but in the end, the back of my mind knew, I felt so badly because I had done something wrong. Jessica didn't even know. I blind-sided her and that made me feel horrible.

I...This wasn't right. I was a completely different person after this. On the way back, we were going to stop at Sonic to get drinks (a 10 minute drive), so I decided to ride with Bethany opposed to my mom, sister, Tracy, and Jessica. I don't think Jessica liked that, at all.

Side note: Thinking back, I don't remember every detail, but I think Jessica had an idea as to how Bethany felt towards me, BEFORE I knew. I didn't find out until the camping trip, but I think Jessica, as looking from one woman to another, saw it first.

I only rode with Bethany because I wanted to talk to her about what had happened. We both agreed that we had formed feelings for each other, something sparked there. In my opinion, looking back, it was lust. We confused what we knew with what we thought.

When we got to Sonic, I rode the rest of the way with my mom, Hannah, Tracy, and Jessica. We had a fun time, but there was still tension between Jessica and myself. I was so confused and baffled. We had some down time while my mom took Tracy home, so I went to my room.

Jessica came upstairs and found me laying on my bed. She sat next to me and tried getting me to make out with her, because she didn't know anything, but I felt bad enough about cheating on her, that I said I wasn't in the mood and took a nap.

The rest I've said on my previous blog post.

June 19th, 2012
Becoming a sense.

To say that this was the hardest thing for me to do in my life, would be an understatement. I loved Jessica so much, she was my best friend more than anything. The fact that we were dating was just the cherry on top that made it delicious, because she could kiss me and tell me it was okay opposed to a hug, which still helped, but didn't have the confidence behind it (bad analogy, but same point).

Everything I told you about our break-up did happen, but the truth I didn't mention about this  was that I promised Bethany a relationship prior to the break-up. I had literally, already cried about losing Jessica and said good-bye, in a since, in my mind.

Before I called her, I was with Bethany, and we both agreed to date right? Meaning to cheating, no lies, nothing. Then I go off and kiss Bethany, our first kiss, before I call Jessica. That was such a smart idea, right?

So that's the truth behind June 19th, the rest I've said in a post.

Single? Or not...

To be totally blunt, I dated Bethany for two months, off and on. It was, "yeah I have feelings", but we didn't go anywhere with them but say "I love you" and what-not. It wasn't bad though. The only bad part was having to lose Jessica.

The truth is that I never wanted to lose her, but I didn't want to let down my church friends. I know that God is supreme, but I'm not good with talking to God or praying. They are. So I seek there advice more than finding it myself. When they told me that saving my relationship with Jessica, to be just friends, would be a miracle, I believed it.

They would never lie to me, they just wouldn't, so I trust them with everything. The only problem is...when you upset Bethany, "poking the bear" is a huge understatement. When Bethany is upset, she storms off in a rage, upset, and angry, refusing to talk about anything. When she calms down, she'll text me and apologize.

She got mad at me for still being friends with Jessica one night, or something (I don't honestly remember), so she took it to church and told Amanda some personal things between us, who told Lloyd, who sat us down and gave us an intervention. It was an angry moment for me, but I understood.

We grew better as friends though. That was the good that came out of it.

Post Content

How does it feel finally knowing the truth? Do you completely hate me now? I wouldn't be surprised. I had to tell you the truth though before I could explain everything else going on. More on THAT in my next post though. The truth will set you free, I am a strong believer in that phrase.

I have prayed about all this, I have been forgiven. I just need to be open about this to my readers. Now I can post about what's going on now.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

I miss my past.

The way things are going right now, the stress I feel, I don't know why things ended up this way. I just wish I had a way to fix things. I mean, to be honest, my life is utter crud right now. Not even I want to be my friend (and I've argued with myself about it, repeatedly).


I don't care about dates right now. I really don't. I just wish Bethany would STOP being mad at me. It seems all I get is anger directed towards me. I can't help not liking it. TRUST ME, I can take angry people. I am a VERY open-minded person, but this just IS NOT good for me.

I'm starting to miss when Bethany and I were really good friends and things weren't complicated. I don't know what to do, I'm on my own here. I can't talk to her anymore until her phone is fixed. She has no way of contacting me. I could always Facebook her I s'pose, but I'm going to let HER take the first step towards redemption, I won't just hand it out.

I also miss Jessica, honestly. I miss how I had a best friend I could always turn too, but I got mad because she used pet names for me still while we were friends and I assumed it was because we had dated, not because she was being nice. I judged to quickly and I lost someone special in my life.

I'll live with that for the rest of my remaining days. I will have to know I hurt her, she hurt me, I scarred her, and made sure things blew up on her end. I was a coward, a jerk, a selfish snub! I wish I could take it all back, I WISH I HAD HER NUMBER AGAIN!! I just... I don't know what to do. I'm going to ride out August and see how things play out. I'm in college now, I've accepted life being single, and being around Jessica would be nice, but I ultimately lost the most in the end.

I hurt her, after she hurt me. I was childish, selfish, and rude, but I grew from that and I WILL NOT let that happen again. I wish I could call her and tell her how sorry I am. I miss her friendship. I miss how we had inside jokes and things between us nobody else could understand. I just want my best friend again.

But we all know that her being away at college means I need to stop reflecting on that, right? Yeah, besides, If Bethany knew I was thinking about Jessica, just as a friend again, she'd get mad at me. In my opinion, the two never liked each other. They had opposite personalities. Which clashed, a lot.

It's a  skeptical win anyway with my life, so I'm going to ride this out in August and see what happens. Will my life turn around? Will love turn in my favor? Will the blessings God has for me finally come? I'll just keep the faith and find out, I guess.

Maybe I'm thinking to hard, but I just know that from reading Jessica's blog post about me, it made me almost want to cry. I was coming across as a person I'M NOT! All for what? My own personal and selfish gain? I AM NOT THAT PERSON! I am a terrible person if I ever become that, which I never wanted to be.

I'm my own worst enemy...and apparently hers now too. For that, I'll always be sorry. I'm going to pray that this friendship will heal, that life will shed new light on things I didn't see before and that doors will open for me that have never been opened in the past. I just want to make things right...before it's too late...and before she moves on.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

First day of college!!

Hello readers of my life, I hope everyone has had a good week, because mine has been phenomenal! My life has been both amazing and sad, BUT MOSTLY AMAZING and that's what I'm here to talk about, QUE THE MAGIC!!!


I got New Super Mario Bros. 2 today for my 3DS! It was finally available and I had finished pre-ordering it a week ago! I have only played 2 levels, but from those two, it's a super fun game!!

Side note: I'm currently distracted with my Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep game.


I used a new way of captioning this section, cool huh? Haha, not really, but it's a cool new way to do things. Ish.

So it was a fun day, I had all the stuff ready to go for college and I spend the day chillin' out at home. Eventually Bethany came over and that was super fun. She didn't come over for me though, she came over to see my mom and have a "twilight marathon".

Bethany and I have been going a bit of a struggle with our friendship lately. It's been pretty rough. I don't know, I can't really blog about it in a way you'd understand, from what I can't say right now, but I just wish things weren't so complex, y'know?

I have been praying more though, which means more than once a week. I know I'm not being the best Christian believer I can be, but that's just because I've got a lot going on in my life right now. Honestly, I feel like I keep having this constant pull between "good and evil", if you will. I mean, I can see myself riding the fence, one second slipping to the left, catching myself, slipping to the right, catching myself, etc...It's a cycle I've noticed and I want to stop. I want to leap to the right and live my life for the future me who's stronger in Christ!

I know I come across so hypocritically in these blog posts because of how much I always slip into sin and back into religion, etc...but I am only 19 years old. I'm still growing! I am learning more every day. More about myself, more about compassion, more about the God, etc...I can't seem to keep myself on a strait and consistent path!

God forbid, I end up...Wait, I can't blog about that! Dang it. Sorry guys, that was almost a slip of my fingers and mind.

Anyway, that was a huge side track, I literally thought I was ready to talk about a different day! HAHA!! Well dang my mind, I can't keep a strait thought up top if my life depended on it!

Anywho, Nathan and Carolyn also came over and we played Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep together. I don't know if I told you guys or not, but I got a cool PSP for $50 off Craigslist and Nathan and Carolyn decided to buy there own as well that same week! WHOOT!!

Well we played our game on multiplayer while my mom and Bethany watched the movie. Well I think we were bothering Bethany, so I suggested we all go upstairs and we did. We played co-op until they had to leave at 11pm, because my mom seems to have a friend curfew under effect for me, but not my sister, which is really jank.

I won't complain that much though, because my friends are amazing!

After Carolyn and Nathan left, Bethany, my mom, and I watched New Moon until it was 12am when I went to my room. Mostly because I felt awkward being by Bethany, but also because it felt like she was being rude to me.

That all got sorted out later though and Bethany is a wonderful woman, but I just don't get a few things about her, but that's why she's my friend, I like finding out new things and having diversities!


College was great! I had Math 20 first thing and it was basic addition and subtraction, not even kidding! It was quite bizarre. I know that stuff, it made me feel like I was in the class for 30 year olds who never went to college after High School. I got through it though and the homework was easy.

After that class, I had Read 108 in the next building over. It was honestly pretty nice. No homework today, simple intro class. I won't complain. After those two classes, I went home and did my homework. I worked on that and it got done in about 30 minutes.

Side note: I spend a lot of my free time on Craigslist or playing Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep. It's just second nature now to do one or the other.

I had a third class at 6pm, CSIS 115, but we got out early because of the first night and Blackboard was being janky. Overall, it was a great first day.

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I think I need to put down my PC or my PSP and pick up my BIBLE, because it'll do better for me then any games will. In my accountability meeting that's coming up this week, I'm going to have to explain that I haven't been praying. I've been lazy, I've hardly been reading my bible!

I'm not growing, I'm stunting my growth. I've frozen my growth. I don't know what I'm going to tell my accountability partner tomorrow other than that I've been falling short of my own expectations...

I hope he is understanding, I'm sure he will be though, Lloyd's a nice guy! I'm tired right now though, so I'm just gonna cut this short. Hope to post again soon of better progress!

P.S. I'll probably post a weight loss blog tomorrow.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Falling in my faith

Good gracious, I am so sorry! I know I haven't posted in a millennium, but my life has been mostly awesome some bull crap mixed into it. I shall go into deeper meaning behind this STAT.

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I'll be real with you, I don't remember days at this point, just details about...quite frankly, Bethany. I can't...I can't tell you everything that's going on, but I will, I've said that, but I promise. It's just that...right now in my life, things are complicated. Literally COMPLICATED.

I can start out by saying that I know my life is turning to crap again. LITERALLY crap again. I am slipping, riding the fence, just...failing, in my faith. I need order, forced order. I need to stop loving when I can't do anything with it. I am in love. I can say that right now, I just can't say, on my blog, who it's with right now.

That's what i so badly want to talk about. I know that I've talked about my crushes on here, who I've been attracted to, who I've wanted to date, but people have been freaked out by my blogging about them. It's not what people do, "apparently". All I know is that I can't usually talk to attractive woman who don't start the conversation. I don't start conversations, I join them, I am invited to them, but I never start them, generally.

I said all that because, even though the one I love knows I love them and returns that love, I can't talk about it right now, because of some church restrictions. I can respect that too, which is why I'm waiting to post about it. All I'm saying is that my love life has gotten complicated.

I'm supposed to wait 2 months to date anyone (after my break-up with Jessica), so I was prompted (more like recommended, but I agreed) to be single until September 11th. 2012. It's killing me, because when I'm around her, I just love her so much! I just wanna be with her and make her happy. Of course, we've been breaking the rules of waiting a few times, we are both trying to wait.

Yes, she knows I should wait till September 11th, but... I've told her I can't stop loving her. I am trying to read my bible and pray, but whenever I try, I GET DEPRESSED!! I haven't been depressed in a long while...It sucks that my depression is returning, but I DON'T CLAIM IT!! I claim JESUS as my savior and he conquers darkness! I try  my hardest to stay strong, but it's's really hard, to be totally honest.

I'm failing, I need a friend who can encourage me. I'm refusing to let this get worse. I listen to christian music all the time, I listen to it on my radio, unless my non-christian friends are riding with me, then I'm respectful enough to change the music, but I just...I want to know that there's a change coming in my life, a good change!

I keep hoping I can get through the progress of these two months without having to work for it. Guess that's a dead dream. I need to work towards any progress. I guess I can try reading my bible, forcing myself to open it up. I've just...I hear  you can pray the bible, that God talks to you through the bible, but that last one has only happened twice. It was awesome, I fixed myself, but...I'm afraid that I've screwed up my life pretty bad.

If I'm being honest with you, I've been crying more often. I used to be that person who just never cried, I was immune to shedding tears (unless my hand got slammed in a door or something). I couldn't shed an emotional tear, just a physically painful tear. I've cried lately, more often. I cried so hard just a week ago!

I know I'm growing, I just...I'm so scared, is all...I'm terrified! And not to mention, I've been seeing myself falling, failing, not growing. I need a forced regimen. I tell myself that If I made more money, everything would fix itself. I don't make enough money, I don't have enough money to fix my problems, but money doesn't do crap unless you use it the right way.

I haven't been giving the church any money. It's biblical to give 10 percent to church, but I'm to greedy, I'll admit it. I want a game, a movie, something that won't benefit me in the long term. Sure, it's gonna be super helpful when I'm bored, but what if I could be reading my bible, but I choose a game over reading my bible? That's not good. That's very bad, actually!

I just need to pray hard, actually pray, period! I need to dive into my bible, I keep saying it, but I never do. I NEED TO DO IT FOR REAL THIS TIME!!! I need to stop being lazy, procrastinating, and making excuses! I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO HELL!! I am going to grow, that is my promise to myself. I need to do this, I need this growth.

It's good for me. It's what I need. It's not hard, either.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Depressed, angry, and confused.

I am so beyond angry right now as I type the words from my mind to this blog, but I can't help but wonder why I'm so angry. Yes, You need a reason, but all my reasons make me mad at myself. I feel like such an asshole after today and I blame myself for everything. I'll just get to the details.

I haven't blogged since my birthday, but I've been working a lot since then so not much to say in that aspect. Good, we're all caught up to August 1st now.

August 1st

I woke up today and it was a nice day, but it was also boring. My sister and dad were downstairs. I was social for a bit, but decided I would go watch a movie up in my room. As I go up to my room, I see all my sisters junk still sitting in my room (she painted her room OVER A MONTH AGO and still has her crap piled in my room), so I got angry and threw EVERYTHING in my closet. I didn't want to have it all over my floor. In that effort, I decided to clean my room.

Side note: I'm not an excessive clean freak, but if something isn't cleaned within 3 weeks or a month, it will began to drive me up the wall. My room was my example for today.

So as I clean my room, I remember the memories attached to the arrangement of my room. Not all good memories, so I decide to move my bed, dresser, desk, and table. I couldn't stand another day being in an arrange room that had bad memories tied to it.

In this entire effort, I was feeling lonely, extremely lonely, to a point where it hit strait up depression. I cleaned my room just fine, but I feel an overwhelming depression the entire time, I felt awful! I had plenty of things to be thankful for, I honestly did, but I just didn't see a point in anything anymore at that point.

I decided to text Bethany, knowing she was at work, and told her that I wanted to see her after she got off work, I was lonely and needed company. She didn't get it at all.

Sidenote: I love my friends, but Bethany can just see something and not think twice about reading between the lines. Its not her fault, but sometimes I wish she could, because I won't spell it out for her.

She told me she was picking up her friends that she was going to church tonight with and we could all go to church and hang out... Hang out at church, with YOUR FRIENDS?

Clearly, she didn't understand what I wanted.

Anyway, all I wanted was someone to give me a hug, tell me everything was okay, pray with me, reassure me that I will make it through, and renew my confidence.

None of that happened.

Sidenote: I didn't even pray at church tonight. I KNOW, RIGHT?! Who goes to church but doesn't pray? It's just sad to see that I didn't WANT to pray. I felt so defeated today, but nothing horrible happened.

I'm getting ahead of myself though.

A couple of hours before church, I had to take my sister to her friend Tommy's house. On the way there, I got some insight on things. It turns out she broke up with her boyfriend Zack (with a K, as he spells it) on July 27th and she's been single for almost a week now. Also, I learned that her Zack was a complete jerk.

I dropped her off and on the way home, I couldn't help myself, I cried my eyes out. I'll admit it, I cried and I did pray, telling that I'm sorry for being a horrible brother, for not being there for my sister when she needs me, giving her to much space.

I felt like such an awful brother that it added on to the depression I felt. My dad noticed something off about me when I got home, but I played it off. I haven't been my dads biggest fan this week and I wasn't going to tell him I had just cried on the way home.

Sidenote: My dad got home on July 24th and he has refused to let my friends come over and he's yelled at me a lot this week already, making me feel worse about myself. I haven't enjoyed his company that much... or at all, to be honest.

But I just went up to my room, finished the movie I was watching and recorded my newest song.

As many of  you know, I have been writing songs lately, writing songs has been my biggest passion since I graduated high school, I haven't written hardly anything since I graduated, because I haven't felt like I wanted to (and the lack of motivation).

The point is, I just haven't wanted to do anything.

After church, I stayed awhile, walked from room to room, but not many people noticed me, which I kind of liked. What I didn't like is how Bethany treated me. It's not like she was rude, because she wasn't rude at all to me, I won't say that, it's just...she seemed like she had to avoid me, which was odd.

I am done with trying anything. Bethany and Jessica just stress me out to a point where I don't know what I want.

Oh yeah, nobody knows about this story. HA! Well I am not allowed to tell you until it's resolved, but I can promise you that it'll be worth reading about if I can make it through.

I left church feeling like crud and then Bethany drops a bomb on me that she won't be at church Sunday. She does it with her friends in the car so I can't react too, nice timing. That just pissed me off, because now I know she's avoiding me. Perfect.

If I have to stop going to church, I will. I won't allow her to manipulate me the way Jessica did after we broke up. I stopped that and Jessica fixed herself. If Bethany wants to hypocritically manipulate my emotions, I'll stop going to church.

Sure, I'll have to tell my accountability partner and he probably won't be happy, considering he goes to my church too, but I'm going to be real about it and say that I give up. I'm not going to try for someone who doesn't even want to act like they want me.

"But it's all about God, he should be your focus!"

YES, I KNOW THAT!! I'm trying to grow, but I'm just so distracted and mad and angry at myself that I can't find the time or patience to pray or attempt to read my bible or anything.


It really pisses me off that he can always manage to 1up me when I start to be victorious. I'm just going to take a break. Relax. Try to find myself again. Maybe then I'll stop being angry and find a way to pray.

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I really don't know why I've felt this way, to be honest, but I know it needs to stop. I know that I've been feeling this way for less then 24 hours and it's already hard to breathe. I can't help the fact that I'm angry, I just am!

If you can find the time, please pray for me. Even if you're not religious as you read this post, I need some help. I know I can't do it alone and I'm so angry for reasons I can't explain other than to be mad at myself.

I'm human, but mostly out of that I'm a man. I am flawed, but I want to make less mistakes. Please keep me in your thoughts, prayers, and if you can manage to do just that one act of kindness, it'll mean a lot to me, regardless of if I know you or not.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

19 years ago a beautiful man was born.

So i'm going to SKIP everything between the 13th and 20th. It's just easier that way. SORRY!

July 20th


Of course it is.

Anyway, It started out a little rough with my friend Tracy refusing to tell me happy birthday because she thought I moved my party to Friday (the 20th) intentionally so she'd miss it (she's in Florida on vacation, something I can't afford). She got all mad at me and said that I was being rude because we (Jessica and I) can't except that she can go on vacation and we can't. 

It was extremely rude and I stopped talking to her after that and I don't honestly know when I'll text her again.

Sidenote: Before her vacation (she left on the 13th for a 10 day vacation), she wouldn't stop talking about it and how excited she was and every little detail of what she was going to do when she got there. It was coming across as SERIOUS BRAGGING to Jessica and I and we told her that, but she gets mad when we say that. 

She said that if we can't except her excitement, then that's our problem, not hers.


That just utterly and extremely hurt me.I can't believe she was being THAT SELFISH! It took me over the edge. That's why I'm not talking to her right now.


Bethany took me out to lunch at Longhorn for my birthday and it was SO GOOD!!!! I haven't had steak in awhile and it was SO GOOD to eat it after so long!! God, I miss the days when I could afford steak (or when my parents could).

Good times, good times...

After we ate, we went back to my house and watched a movie. After that, we played Super Mario Bros. Wii until guested arrived.

Side note: At this time, Kayla was there making me cake pops and my sister was making cupcakes and my funfetti birthday cake.

When my friend Tyler arrived, I got to go for a joyride in his Bruce Wayne car. IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME!!! Such a beautiful car too!!

We took the car back to his house and switched to his jeep. While we were there, he let me pick out some of his Wii games to borrow! HE HAS SOME AWESOME GAMES TOO!!!

When we got home, nobody arrived yet and it was 7:30pm. By 8pm though, people had arrived. AND THE PARTY BEGAN!!!

We had a blast and it's truly impossible to say what we did, because we went by whatever everyone wanted to do. We cake sugary treats, sugary soda, and my Wii. And yes, the Twister mat WAS used again... The last party we used it at was my summer party last year (Summer Party 2010).

To rap things up, I want to mention that I rapped my birthday song for everyone and it turned out AMAZING!! (If you can live with messing up the rap twice). Check it out for yourself.

OH! I almost forgot to mention. Even though my party ended at 12am, I was awake ALL NIGHT! I pulled an all nighter and didn't even go to bed, knowing I had to work the next days closing shift at 'The Tree'. No worries! I got my rest and we did an awesome job closing!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Not sure how I feel about being alone.

I can't really post anything that would make since, but I can post about how some things have been going on. Ish. I don't know!! I'm not allowed to post these things, but I can give things from my perspective. I hope that's better... I think.

Plus it's honestly the only way to understand this post. I've kept back some information.

Prior Events (June 22nd - July 12th)

I decided it would be fine if I dated Bethany after Jessica because I was single and could. I didn't think about how it'd look to anyone else. Which wasn't necessarily the best thing. Honestly, I was happy with Bethany for the 3 weeks I dated her.

But some stuff happened.

I got back in contact early that start of our 3rd week and some old feelings rehashed themselves that I'd thought had disappeared... Well Gosh, I guess not! I was confused again. So confused that I made some mistakes.

I never wanted to become a cheater. NEVER!

Side note: In the technical terms, being so fresh after a break-up, I felt like I was cheating and it probably wasn't the best option. I still don't regret dating Bethany though. We had never been so close and I was glad that our relationship was growing.

To be totally honest with you readers, I promised myself that I'd ALWAYS be loyal to my girlfriend and/or wife when I get married. I am a stupid, dirty jackass and liar.

Side note: I don't recommend dating your best friend unless you are able to keep that relationship stable, no matter what, because getting involved with BOTH of my best friends... It doesn't always turn out as you plan.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I want everyone to be happy. Honest to God, I just want everyone to be happy! I dated Bethany and I was happy, so happy, for 3 weeks. Why did it end at 3 weeks (and 1 day)? Let me get to that now.

July 12th, 2012!

Today was simply amazing. Let's start out with Jessica.

I GOT TO HANG OUT WITH JESSICA TODAY!!! YAY!!!! Don't be confused readers, I didn't mean to drop her for a month, it just kinda happened that way. I had to find a way to move on and live without her in my life. I dated her for 7 1/2 months. I can't move on if I still have contact. It's not how I do things.

Anyway, today was great because we got to talk and catch up and hang out. I learned that I posted some things that were taken the wrong way. Yes, Bethany is my only Christian friend, but even though Jessica is also a Christian, in a previous blog post, I forget which one exactly, It was implied that I called Jessica a non-Christian, which was NOT my intention at all. I felt so bad when Jessica told me this!!

I don't want to falsify anyone's religion!! That's not what I wanted to do at all!! I mean, my best friend Alexis is a baptist and my friend Melita is a Christian and the rest are Athiest. I don't want to step on anyone's toes!! I REALLY DON'T!!!

It felt like a jerk hearing this and when it was all said and done, I hope I had been able to fix things. I really, really hope so!!

Anyway, Jessica and I got pizza and hung out until she had to go home at 5pm.

Bringing us to church!!

Back up to July 8th...

This is why I had to mention dating Bethany. Earlier on July 8th, Bethany really wanted to tell Michael that we were dating and I really wanted to as well. Well She didn't get to and she got pretty upset about it and just left church (it was over too, so it was a good time to leave, she just left really fast and didn't say goodbye to me).

Back to July 12th now...

So Bethany had an intervention assembled (against Michael or my knowledge) and we had a pretty legit pow-wow for awhile. Good grief was it long!!!! I totally, totally didn't expect what happened!! Okay, church was great (didn't I already say that?) and I was honestly about to leave, but I got called into a back room (one I'd only been in once) and BOOM! It all went down.

Due to "confidentiality" conflicts, I'm not allowed to talk about the specifics, sorry guys! What I can say though is that I agreed to stay single for 2 months, I have an accountability partner now (no choice in that guys), and it all gets finalized on Sunday.

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Really wish I could say more and be more specific, but I can't. I've already stepped on some toes this week and I'm not doing it again (I have pretty big feet)... I think everything will sort out though, I honestly do! Maybe everyone is right and what I need is to be single. I don't want to be single, being alone sucks, but maybe it's best.

I got into relationships with BOTH of my best friends (My only 2 best friends right now) and I knew that it would become complicated. Rule of thumb, you better be ready for anything if you date your best friend, especially if you're really close to both of them.

I also Jessica and Bethany last night that I can't say "I love you" to anyone outside of family for 2 months now, unless teasing or joking around, because I refuse to hurt anyone anymore than I already have. I can't allow myself to say false words that I can't verify right now. I'm so concerned about keeping both parties from being hurt that I know what I'll end up doing and it isn't right. Dude's in the bible may have had 700 wives or whatnot, but that's not how we role in the 21st century (or is it the 22nd now?).

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I don't just work at work, If you know what I mean.

My used to say, "Work, work, I love to work." and I never really got the concept until I decided that I should work so many hours this month. I mean, for pete's sake, I've already worked five 8 hour shifts (doubles) and only have 6 days off this month (as of now). I'm scheduled for 2 more 8 hour shifts (as of now) this month and that's if I don't get offered more between now and then, which I'm sure I will.

All I know is that I'm VERY happy with how things have worked out for me. Very happy indeed. Not to mention in my personal life, things have gotten a little complicated. Work is not what you do at your job. Actually, I wouldn't use complicated, but perhaps, interesting, in how things have played out.

I guess it's time I stop rambling and explain, right? Yes. Not no, but yes.

July 8th

I had church and Bethany was all upset afterwards, it seemed, because I asked her if she was fine afterwards  (she kinda left in a rush without saying goodbye) and now she's been all distant from me all week (which is not like her since we're such close friends). I don't know what to do. I don't ever give up on people unless they give up on me and drop me from existence.

All I know is that I hope she's okay. She hasn't text me very much and being distant is probably her way of trying to feel better. I just wish I could help is all, I just want to help her in any way I can. Be a supportive, caring best friend.

Anyway, I worked 3-7pm and ALSO worked 7-closing, which was an awesome double! I enjoyed myself. It was an overall good day. Just wish Bethany had communicated with me a little better.

July 9th

So on this wonderful day, I worked yet another double and I very much enjoyed it! WOOT! I LOVE WORK!! WORKAHOLIC BABY!!! Haha, okay, I'm not a workaholic, but I do love working and making some cold hard cash for my youthfullness!

Anyway, while I was working, I was texting Jessica, yes, I was texting my ex-girlfriend. I had been texting her off and on this week and because Bethany wasn't texting me, we got to talking and it got pretty deep. We talked about a lot of personal things and I can't honestly remember a lot of what we said, but I remember enough to know that we found understanding between the conversation and the friendship between us strongly grew.

I can't lie to you readers so I'll just tell you now. Some feelings resurfaced. I felt like those dumb Facebook things that say, "Don't ask for me back, when you're the one who left me." or something dumb and cheesy like that. Well, gosh, I don't know why, but I suddenly had all these feelings come forward and I realized I had Jessica back and I didn't wanna lose her and my best friend was back and we were clearing the air and we just poured out everything.

I even talked to her for 2 hours after work!! I was 100% honest with her and just poured out my soul. She returned that to me, but I just... I need to do a lot this week. I got some work ahead of me and not just Lemon Tree either.

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So I got a long week ahead of me and it's only Tuesday. I got to college tomorrow for a student enrollment thing-a-ma-bob! It's gonna be cool. Other than that, I think I got some things to sort out.

Hmmm, maybe I can clarify in my next post. We'll see. I gotta see how June 11th goes. We'll figure it out, no worries!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Legit, I can write and/or sing?!

I have been working a lot lately. Literally, all I've done that past week is work. I've played a little PS2, but that's about it. I usually work all day or sleep. I'm not even kidding when I say that either.

July 3 - July 7th

I worked every day. No joke. Including 3 doubles (which is two 4 hour shifts). I am gonna make BANK!

July 8th

Alright, okay. I admit it, I worked a double today at 'The Tree', but that doesn't mean I'm a workaholic! It just means I'm a growing man who needs to make some cash so I'm not broke and in debt from college. Plus I need a new car. and a laptop. But mostly a car!

Moving on, I worked tonight with Chris and Alyssa (I called her Allison tonight... AWKWARD!) and it wasn't half bad. I worked the double with Alyssa, she also had the same double, which was awesome as can be. I hate it when I work a double (or even a single shift) with someone who won't talk to you or care about your existence being there. That get's annoying. I had a fantastic double with Alyssa though, I got mad respect for that woman now, she's on my list of good employee's.

Yes, I have a list. Be curious, but never know...

Now, I enjoyed 3-7pm, but 7-close got interesting today because Chris came in and had his charisma in high gear. This dude is a skinnier, older, more religiously smarter me. Okay, Chris isn't really like me, we're both just very "hyper" on this night. Full of... Well I probably had a sugar high from my Dr. Pepper (not drinking it in 3 weeks strait and suddenly drinking a bunch of it) and Chris was probably just in a good mood. Whatever the reason, it ended out a fun evening.

For some reason, around closing (and during), we came to the topic of my blog, opening up the topic of my life. It got interesting. We talked about Jessica and Bethany and where are relationships stand and what the definitions of "cheating" are and also about if you are "sinning" if you have a girl stay over at your house. A bunch of random relationship stuff.

Also, we talked about my friend Tammy, who is older than me, but that freaked them out. I think mostly because I met her on Craigslist, but I've known her for 3 months and she's such a sweet, wonderful person. She is legit who she says she is and I decided to Facebook friend her tonight. It was the right time.

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I have really enjoyed working lately. Flat out, I have enjoyed my life lately!!

OH! I didn't say what I did for 4th of July. Honestly, I worked and then hung out with Bethany. Not much else to say. It was a regular night for me.

Back to 'Post Content', Phyllis game me a good amount of shifts this month and I've also picked up a ton as well!! It's awesome!! I got a bunch of shifts now and I love it!! I'm gonna make some serious BANK at the end of the month!

Also, I have posted a love/rap song on my Facebook on June 7th (I wrote it a few weeks back, I think) and it got GREAT feedback!! Oh man, I was freakin' stoked!!

I was so happy that I wrote a parody to "O Christmas Tree!", but instead called it, "O Lemon Tree!" and it has only been on Facebook for about 36 minutes ago from now. I feel loved. I get such great feedback.

I was expecting stuff like, "Stop singing,  you're terrible!" or "LMFAO!! What a joke!", etc... The fact that this feedback is good means that I have a real gift and I'm very thankful to be blessed with it. I just hope God uses it for it's best purposes.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Conclusion: I miss my best friend from 9th grade

Life is a confusing puzzle. Like a million different pieces scattered around and when you get half of it put together, BOOM! You're jerk friend comes into the room and "accidently" destroys your progress. It's just really complicated. Honestly. Finishing this puzzle called my life may never happen, but hopefully I can pick up enough pieces to see part of my puzzle soon.

July 2nd, 2012

Today was just...not the best day for me. Honestly and truly, it wasn't very good. I had to wake up, take a hella fast shower, and go to my dads eye appt. with him, because I had to drive him home. He ended up taking 2 hours opposed to the one hour he told me. Thanks dad, but that's not my problem today. That's just a little annoying something that happened earlier.

My dad goes home and takes a nap so I make plans to see Bethany for a few hours before I work. We hang out, have a great time, and we leave so I can go to work. I call up to Lemon Tree early and let them know I'll be a few minutes late, but to my convenience, Kelsey answers the phone.

I tell Kelsey that I'll be a smidge late and she asks why. I tell her I lost track of time seeing a friend. She says okay, I hang up.

I show up 13 minutes late. Not really that big of a deal since nobody was really in the place buying yogurt. I log in and go in the back to see Kelsey is waiting for me to show up. SHE WAITED FOR ME TO SHOW UP BEFORE SHE LEFT!! How rude is that??

She tells me that she couldn't really hear me on the phone and to explain again why I couldn't come in on time and I again explain that I lost track of time seeing a friend. She tells me that's fine, but to show up on time from now on. She then goes home and proceeds to tell her mom, who's the manager (how convenient for me, right?).

The manager then texts me and tells me that I need to start choosing between my personal life and work because I've been very neglectful as of late. NEGLECTFUL??

Seriously?! I can start throwing employee's under the bus left and right who has been WAY MORE neglectful, but NOOO!! I'm to nice, I don't want them to hate me. So I keep my mouth shut and just tell the manager that I'm sorry and I guess I fell prey to the negative influence of other employee's. I didn't name names, but I slid that into the text.

She tells me she appreciates the effort.

I felt disrespected as an employee tonight, I honestly did, because I'm to nice to rat out other employee's and there faults. I know I'm not the best employee, but I'm also not the worst. I don't feel that I should be treated this way at work. I honestly don't. I do my job to the best of my abilities and yes, I will occasionally fall prey to the negative influence of other employee's, but that doesn't mean I'm a terrible employee or person.

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I feel like Kelsey is becoming more of a co-worker than friend. We never hang out anymore, she treats me like a co-worker and never says positive things to me anymore like she used to as my friend, and I miss her. I miss the friendship we used to have. I miss going to her house and just talking about nothing, but everything. I even miss her dads corny jokes. That's how bad it is. I miss Kelsey as my best friend. I miss the Kelsey I knew in 9th grade who enjoyed my company and thought I was fun.

It's sad when life happens and you wake up one day and all the people you used to know are replaced and you feel like it's your fault. You look in the mirror and wonder what happened to the person that had those friends. Honestly though, I used to have some pretty bad friends though, but they were good friends for me at the time. I enjoyed the friendships I had in Jr. High and High School the most. Those are the friends I truly appreciated the most.

I guess I have to realize that I need to make the change. So maybe I'll just text Kelsey, be honest, and hope that she can understand things from my perspective. I thought I had lost a friend tonight and I've already lost to many people in my life, I don't need anymore loss.

I think God would give me the strength though, to move through that loss, but I think he knows that I can repair it with some effort. I know I can too, I just hope that life gives me back the pieces to my puzzle I've lost, because this puzzle is complex enough without pieces missing in it.