Friday, November 11, 2011

Burning all my bridges...

Have you ever tried to solve a problem you caused, where it just made things worse? I have. Many times, I have. Actually, making my problems worse seems to be a gift I have. Oh yeah, any relationship you want ruined, you should be my apprentice, so you know what to do. Just try to live my life and you’ll end up alone and miserable. And if you act now, I can give you all the priceless treasures in my life, considering I would already be miserable, wouldn’t make things any worse, right?

Bethany is not happy with me. Not happy at all. In fact, I can only form this opinion through our texts, but I’m pretty sure she’s all out pissed at me. I don’t even know what I did wrong. Communication solves an issue. It does more than that. It creates resolution and invites happiness to join the party.

Every rose has its thorns, I don’t want to be the one who hurts anyone, but yet, I seem to be the one causing everyone’s life to get worse. Why did I have to make that stupid promise to Jessica?! I don’t want to be a problem for everyone in my life to deal with. I want to just make it easy for everyone. What if I just left one day and vanished?

Would anyone care if I had completely vanished from existence? Sure, you knew I was here, but the fact that you don’t have physical proof of my being here right now, would you forget about me? I think that people would move on. The only think I can be remembered for is…. Well, honestly, pain.

I caused Tiffany to view me as a person I’m not. I am the reason for my relationship faults with Bethany. I am the reason Jessica is single, which I feel completely awful about! Every issue I cause seems to make everyone else’s life miserable. I am the product of nothing good. I don’t care if my parents think they love me, they need to put that illusion that in the closet or out the window, take your pick.

Yeah, I’m sure reading my bible and praying will open up this big window and a whole bunch of answers will flood into my brain. I will be almost magically given the answers I’ve been seeking. I am sure that’ll happen. I’m not being sarcastic either, I’m serious! I’m always too angry to read my bible. I want to just dive in, like I see some people doing.

I know my gift of writing is for a better reason than writing erotic lit. The lie that I am nobody, yeah, I’ve heard that before. I’m not a suicidal maniac, though maybe that’s what some professionals might say. At least I’m not acting on it. I am so mad that Jessica made me promise her! I would never break a promise with Jessica; she does so much for me.

For one, she actually gives a living crap about me! She doesn’t see me as a ‘mistake’ or ‘waste of God’s time’. Jessica actually cares about me. The only person on this entire planet, it seems, at times. She is always there. For that I owe her so much. And if that means I have to keep my promise that I won’t--- never mind, but I swear to God, I’m never going to break it.

It’s hard at times, though. It’s really hard to keep a promise of that magnitude. I think about all the people who would ACTUALLY care and I can only think of a few. Jessica would probably go crazy sad and cry till she can’t anymore, which I can’t allow to happen. Pastor Mike and Laura would probably be really sad. I know where you go when you choose your fate, instead of giving it to God. I’m not stupid; hell is not like you think.

I fully believe that you will burn forever, feeling the flesh burn off your skin, layer by layer, forever. You will scream and your throat will be dry, you will be in the ultimate pain, for the rest of eternity. It’s not some story you hear or plot in a movie, it is as real as the screen you’re staring at!

As painfully horrible as that is, I sometimes don’t care to think about it. I just think out of context. It all leads back to me though, I am the problem. I am a problem. I think what ruined my relationship with Bethany was falling in love with her. Looking back, I don’t know how I loved her. It sounds mean, but we’ve been texting as I type this up (which, by the time I post this, would be yesterday) and I told her that we’ve burned our bridge too many times. I told her I was done.

I can just imagine Bethany freaking out like Clarissa did that one day and think I was suicidal. That was fun. It scared the crap out of Clarissa that day. The only reason it scared her is because she doesn’t want my death on her conscious. Oh the joy of that day… Not!

I’m actually listening to music and texting Jessica as I type this. Not depressing music either, though I have some songs. I’ve destroyed my relationship with Bethany. It’s over. At least it wasn’t as long as some of the other relationships I’ve destroyed. Let’s do the math, knowing Bethany (in person) for 3 and a half months is probably a record. Sure, we used to be texting friends for many months before I knew her in person, but for the love of God, I DEMOLISHED OUR RELATIONSHIP IN 3 FREAKING MONTHS!! That’s got to be the most pathetic record in the world.

I am a damn fool if I believe that we can fix this. When it takes two people and she’s not willing, it makes it impossible. Love is a pain in the ass. I don’t give a crap about love anymore; all my opinions or thoughts on love have been false or smashed in my face.

I have loved these past few days the most too! I found out that I am failing Prob and Stat, the one class I need to graduate. I am no longer eligible for A+, which means I don’t get a free 2 years of College.  I am alone in the world. I left church slightly depressed on Wednesday. I am such a loser for believing that I had solved things with Bethany.

I guess I enjoyed the high I had for awhile. Being so happy was fun, I loved that. Bethany and I could smile and we didn’t have to worry about anything because all our past had been forgotten and washed away. I guess that only works with God. People never forget things.

If I could just get across the point that I hate my life so passionately right now, that’d be great. I have a Probability and Statistics test tomorrow (which is technically today) that I’ll probably fail. My life is turning into a failure. I don’t want to hear the bull that I can turn it around with a change in attitude and some effort, because that only looks cool in the movies. This is life. Reality. Not that Hollywood bull shit.

I am so sick and tired of everything that happens. Again, this Bethany crap is a broken record, it never stops, just repeats itself. The only problem is I can’t do what I did the last time, it’s not exact. It’s like there’s this single magical difference. For the love of God, literal people are a pain in the ass!

Nothing against them, and I’m not talking directly about Bethany, but people who take things literal, they need to learn to relax. Maybe something that was said jokingly wasn’t meant they way you took it. Maybe you need to take a chill pill and find your happy place before you say something stupid.

Everyone has issues, even me. For all I know, I should be given a heavy dose of medicine, strong pills, a counselor, and learning IEP. But how the hell should I know, nobody ever gave me a psychological evaluation. In the eyes of ‘professionals’, I am a normal teenager.

Yeah right, I feel real normal right now. Maybe I’m just caught up in the moment and ranting angrily about things because Bethany is so stubborn. I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll get an ear full tomorrow. Why does she even read my blog is she knows she’ll get upset?! It’s my opinion; don’t ask me to change my blog because you don’t agree. Good thing, otherwise it’d be YOUR blog and YOUR opinion would be on it.

I’m probably going to post this and then fully regret it before I get home from school. It’s too bad I don’t have internet at home right now. Our internet provider, Clear, said we didn’t pay the $94 we owed from last month, when my mom paid it and had a confirmation number. They didn’t seem to care. They were trying to scam us. Oh well. I guess I will have to live without internet for now. Which sucks. A lot.

I want to have a little freedom and enjoy my life the way it should be enjoyed. Sadly, that’s not going to happen anytime soon. I’m going to fail that test tomorrow; I’m going to hear my teacher complain about it. I’m going to take it. I’m just going to store that away. I can’t, err, won’t tell my teacher about everything in my personal life, but I just want a little slack.

Sure, we all have issues, but when you can’t focus in class, that’s going to reflect on your class grades. Doesn’t that show anything? Isn’t a lack in care supposed to mean something, on a psychological level or something? I’m not a smart person, how should I know. I’m just good at writing and doing things in graphic design. I was never good at the other stuff.

It’s funny; Pastor Michael said he can see me writing novels. Christian novels, to be exact. I can totally see that too, but I would have to start reading the bible and praying, which I can’t bring myself to do when I’m so upset. When I’m so pissed at people. I’m not even sure I’m going to be at school very long tomorrow or maybe Monday.

I’m probably going to get reported thanks to this blog and I’ll be asked all kinds of dumb questions. I already told the counselor I was depressed, not like it mattered. I said I didn’t care and I was depressed and it’s my opinion. She sent me on my way and I haven’t been back in the office since. Thanks for the loving attention. The public school system is stupid. They only care about making money so they can pay the teachers and go home. If I were a principle, I would go nuts.

I have actually met my principle on a few occasions, in his office. They weren’t friendly occasions either. I won’t relive the past, but he is a nice guy. He actually cares, that I’m sure of. What I don’t get though is why we get all these assemblies or etc that pretty much say each student is important and “watch these signs for depression” and etc when it’s totally false.

Sure, maybe 1 in 200 kids will show those signs, but I’m generally a happy person. I have probably shown the signs they tell you, a few times. Happy people get depressed too, but they usually wait till nobody is watching. I’m an actor, I like making videos (if my camera’s not being stupid) and I know how to act a certain way around my peers. I can wear a smile and laugh at a joke. That doesn’t mean I’m all rainbows and penguins either though.

I’m just—done. I am not going to blog anymore about this because I’d end up ranting for too long. You don’t want to read all that crap. Frankly, I don’t want to tell you. I only have 12 followers and yet hundreds are reading my blog? That makes since. I’ll live my life, take that test tomorrow, and generally keep breathing, but just thank GOD that I got saved and made that promise to Jessica. She keeps me motivated to not give up. Even when it’s really hard. Like today.

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