Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Novel Update(s) and A terrible week!

Oh man, I have been so freakin' busy with stuff, I haven't been able to update my blog, which I apologize for. Let's all take a second to morn a week without knowing my life. On the plus, this post will inform you of everything that has happened (that I remember), but let's not forget, I do have short term memory loss (Not really, but its an on-going joke).

Let's go back to Friday (Because I have, literally, forgotten the rest of the week). The only thing I really want to tell you about Friday is that I have successfully finished my short story, Mischievous Behavior 2! I was so excited to finish it because I put a lot of hard work into it and the fact that I got such great comments back from Tracy and Kelsey made me happy. You'll never guess who loved it the most though, though you probably will, once you think about it (who haven't I mentioned yet?).

Side note: Click Here to read Mischievous Behavior 2 on my Stories blog!

Yes, Jessica LOVED IT! She was strait flippin' joy! She was really, super excited that I had finished it and said it was an awesome story and was even bold enough to tell me I needed to further the plot and make it a novel. I didn't really want to go far enough as to make it a novel, because it was only a short story. She had a point though, the characters were very well created and shown as people you could relate too.

Sunday night, while I was working my double shift at The Tree of Lemons, she talked me into it. I am going to turn Mischievous Behavior 2 into a Novel. I know, it's really exciting! In fact, it's probably the best thing that's happened to me since I lost my writing funk months ago. But I will let you in on a secret, which only you'll know. Next paragraph.

I am working on 4 Novels right now:

  • Twisted (Action/Adventure/Mystery/Humorous)
  • Gary and his disciple (Humorous/Emotional/Though-Provoking)
  • Mischievous Behavior NOVEL/BOOK (Romance/Humorous)
  • Dear Death (Sad/Emotional/Mystery)

They're all so good too! You already know about Twisted, because I've been working on that forever (though it won't have very long chapters, it'll be one heck of a good book!), but I may as well tell you about the other two, since I brought it up and all. I'm really excited about MB2 (which I call for short) the most though!

Gary and his disciple has been mentioned a couple of times on my blog, but a long time ago, you may have forgotten about it. Yeah, this has been put on hold for, coming up on, a year. I didn't have the motivation to write it for awhile, because of the background of the story, the under-lying themes. I made it all to obvious who I was referring to. But I think I have put all that behind me and want to write a really good, fiction story! The plot is basically about Gary and his best friend Carl. They do everything together, make videos, eat chips, and play video games. The conflict I put in the story though is that Carl is starting to have an internal struggle realizing that he is gay. He can't admit to himself that he has feelings for Gary. He eventually breaks down in the hallway when he talks to his friend Albert. Albert just reassures him that he won't care if Carl is gay and that he accepts him for who he is, a great guy! Carl has to figure out who he is and, possibly, confront Gary about the problem. I am currently on Chapter six.

MB2 is basically taking you before the first short story. It goes back to the ninth grade, when Zachary meets Jessica and grows from there (which is referenced in MB2) and it stretches beyond to past where MB2 ended, showing Zach and Jessica's first date (Oh, how embarrassing, but funny, that'll be!) and stretching to Zach and Jess after high school and into the college days (coed dorms, baby)! I won't tell you how it ends, but you're going to love it! The relationship between Zach and Jessica is intensely close, honest, and real. I want to capture love from all angles, both the good and bad, so I won't tell you the conflicts, problems, etc that they will face, but you just have to buy a copy when I finish it. I'm currently on Chapter one.

Dear Death is my first take on a truly dynamic and mentally messed up individual. I am starting every chapter with a poem at the beginning which then leads you into the chapter. Chapter one starts with an emotional and angry poem (which I actually wrote myself from a personal experience) that leads you to the main Character, Evan, who is alone, in his room, in the dark with a butcher knife. He is contemplating suicide and is on the edge with his life. That leads you into his life story. Evan is the narrator of the story, he tells you about how he got that way and the end of the book leads you full circle back to him on that bed, with the butcher knife! It's totally emotional and, if it all works out, it should make you feel for Evan, wishing the best, hoping he can let go of his resentment and let go of the knife, which he grips firmly in his hand. I'm also on Chapter one.

That is pretty much all of my Novels and the basic plot I have going for them. I really hope to be a diverse author and get a lot of fans, of all ages! I know that my books will be under 'Juvenile Fiction' but that doesn't mean its only for that age group, just placed there. Everyone, even your grandma, should read my books/novels! I encourage it. Though Pastor Mike says I'd be good at writing Christian Novels, I don't know that I would go into THAT genre, persay, but fiction for sure.

As for the rest of my week, Over Thanksgiving break, I worked 6 shifts at The Tree of Lemons:

  • Wed 3-7
  • Friday 3-7 and 7-10:30 (plus closing time) (A double Shift)
  • Saturday 11:00-3 and 7-10:30 (plus closing time) (A double Shift)
  • Sunday 7-9:30 (plus closing time)

I love working at The Tree of Lemons because it's really fun and a great job for me. It was a miracle I even got the job! Seriously, My manager is so cool, I get to make people happy because I'm selling what they want, and when I ring up an order, all I have to do is be friendly to the customer, which I totally am! I love the customers, they're great!

Honestly, I'm secretly hope they're hiring in December or January because Jessica really needs a job and if I could hook her up, she'd totally love me forever! Working with my best friend would make me happier than any other person on earth! I would probably have a cheery, happy blog banner to welcome you when you type in the URL. Sadly though, life is only livable most of the time right now. Or was after this hellish week, which I'm getting too.

My dad got home from his current trucking job on Friday, November 18th, as I may have mentioned, well he just left on the morning of Monday, November 28th. It was the worst 10 days of my life, not going to lie. My father, I hate the sound of that, really knows how to screw your life up. He is a psycho and doesn't understand why I don't like him, which also makes him pretty stupid. I hate insulting my dad, but just to make honest since of it all, I'll quickly tell you a conversation we had when he picked me up from church this past Sunday.

"Why don't you like me?" he asked

"I respect those who respect me." I said, almost as quickly as he asked

"Whatever, that makes no since."

We rode home in silence, mostly. He ranted about how he's my father and I should love him, but other than that, I got home in one piece. Life is better when he's gone. It's mean, hurtful, and bold to say about my father, but it's true. He doesn't make anyone happy when he's home. Maybe one day I can respect my father, but until that day, here is my opinion.

Also, my Prob and Stat teacher has been riding me about my failing grade recently, which is starting to piss me off. I don't really care anymore, I am done trying basically. Why else would I just sit in class and do nothing? He's a math teacher, he's supposed to be smart, FIGURE IT OUT DUDE! The only reason I did all my late homework and worked on the project, that's late, was because Jessica said I have to try and pass this class. Jessica is the only person who can get me to do anything. If I don't want to do anything, I won't. It's not going to happen.

Mr. Jerk, stop bugging me in class, I'm going to do my thing and your going to get over the beef you have with me. If you taught me correctly, I wouldn't have issues and be failing your class. Don't pass  blame on me dude! You said yourself half the class is failing. That's your fault.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Memories don't happen twice

I don’t exactly know how to start this post. I guess from the beginning is good. I was born in a hospital about 18 years ago. I was a cute little baby, one of the most attractive ones in the entire unit that night. Doctors said I would grow up to be a male model or successful actor, they knew I was destined for great things! They saw my father and asked my mother if she wanted a DNA test, he didn’t look at all like me because of—What?

Yes, I’m messing with you. That was kind of cruel to do to my father too, but I’m not going that far back. I also don’t really care about being cruel to my father. You’ll see why by the end. Let’s try a little closer to date, like… yesterday, perhaps? Yes. I will try that.

Yesterday was my last day of school before Thanksgiving break. Yes, I have 3 days off from school now, plus the weekend! I’m pretty excited about that. What excited me even more is the fact that I got to go see Breaking Dawn Part One AGAIN last night!

The plan was to go with Jessica, Tracy, and Dustee. I had never met Dustee until last night, but I’ll get to that in a second. Up until yesterday morning, the plan was all well, but Jessica had terrible pain in her back, it hurt so bad, she couldn’t lift her bag for school or HARDLY MOVE! I was terrified that something awful had happened and I never want that to happen.

Jessica ended up missing school but took a pain killer (I don’t know exactly, but it worked… ish, whatever it was). Jessica said her parents wouldn’t let her go because she missed school. GOSH, I’M SORRY! If my back hurt that bad too, I wouldn’t go either. Maybe she should just go to school in complete pain, where people can run into her in the hallway, making her pain worse! IS THAT THE SMART THING TO DO POPS? I wasn’t happy with her parents. That’s got to be the stupidest rule I’ve heard from a “parent”, if they can call themselves that. They’re not mine so I can’t change things.

Even with mine, I can’t change things. Anyway, I had to live with that as I went to school. On the plus, I had an easy day. I started the day with a “Reading Worshop” in Comm. Arts. I didn’t read the book I was supposed to though; instead I read my Percy Jackson book and text Jessica. My book beats reading this other book any day.

Side note: School have degraded to the point where they can’t assign good literature anymore. Apparently the only fiction we can read is when people have issues. I have enough of my own, I don’t want to read about other people and there’s. It’s terribly boring. Especially since I don’t smoke weed, drink alcohol, and get in fights with people at a party I came to crash. Sorry, I strive for the whole “Good person” thing.

2nd hour was the worst hour of my day. I had just came from a “take it easy” class and I assumed my day would run smoothly, considering my B Days always are. I walk into my Prob and Stats class, sit in my chair and prop my feet up on the desk as I wait for class to start, minding my own business. Mr. Jerk then tells me, “Get your feet down.” Which I do, but he starts going off on me about how I am only doing that, day after day, to disrespect him. He starts ranting like he’s the only person who matters in the world and the fact that I “disrespect him” makes him mad.

I don’t give a damn about pissing off Mr. Jerk. He can take a hike; he’s the worst teacher I’ve ever had. I’ve never failed so miserably in a math class before. This guy is a joke when it comes to teaching students. He even said himself that half the students in his class are failing. He was ONE Prob and Stats class, if he can’t get three-fourths of his class a passing grade, he needs to stop teaching, because he obviously cant.

Anyway, Mr. Jerk kind of pissed me off and I wanted to tell him off, but I held my tongue. I so badly wanted to get sent to the office so I can tell them he is a terrible teacher. The teacher at the other school (there are 2 high schools in my district… ish) who teaches statistics, who’s taught it for many years, was my Geometry teacher back in 10th grade.  He was my favorite math teacher out of everyone I had. I’m sorry to the rest, but he made learning easy and fun. He was a GOOD teacher and he DESERVES to teach, because he cares. And that was GEOMETRY! I suck at geometry!!

Anyway, that is TOTALLY the low for my week. Mehhh, I blew him off, took notes, and ignored the assignment. Really, if I’m going to fail, I’m not going to get one of those 2% from passing grades at the end. If I’m going to fail, it’s going to be a 20% from passing grade. Honestly, I’ve lost all interest in caring. I was done caring this week. I’ve ignored the last 4 assignments in his class, because of the way I’ve been treated. There is no respect, no concern or care, so why should I give any back? I give what I get.

So the rest of the day went smoothly, no hard classes, tests, or quizzes. I had simple classes. Tech Theatre was even fun and all I really did was paint a coffin and help move some boards. Speaking of Tech Theatre, its great how I’m starting to get more interactive! Pretty much everyone talks to me now. I told you that the fieldtrip was a step forward and I was right! HA! I’m so clever and smart! Ish.

So I went home and went immediately to my room to avoid my father. I don’t care what Bethany, Michael, or God have to say about it, I don’t like the man and that’s my opinion. I went to my room and tried to work on my short story, Mischievous Behavior 2. Yes, I’m writing a sequel, it’s going to be finished this week, I’m hoping, and I’ll post it to my short stories blog, which I will give you the URL to if you don’t have it yet. I worked on it until it was about 5:30 and I got ready to leave. I showed up at the movie around 6:17pm (I remember to the dot!) and got my ticket, popcorn, and went to the theatre to wait for the movie to start at 7pm.

While we waited, I met Dustee, who was nice. I didn’t really talk much, but it was a positive experience. Anyway, as we waited, Jessica called me and said that her back felt better and she wished she could go. I felt bad all day because she couldn’t go and I still felt bad, because Jessica makes everything fun! She ended up telling me that if her dad wasn’t asleep and her brother awake, she would have been able to go because her mom would have let her go. I wasn’t happy about that, but I couldn’t change it. I had to go eventually because the movie started.

The movie was even better a second time, for me, because I was able to focus on the minor details I didn’t notice the first time. I really enjoyed the movie. After the movie, I talked to Tracy and Dustee for about 5 or 10 minutes, until Dustee’s dad showed up. Tracy and Dustee jumped in, waved, and left. I felt kind of awkward at that point. Being, in a sense, left there. I text my mom to get me and waited. I text Bethany and Jessica as I waited, but I didn’t text Bethany long.

Turns out, my dad picked me up. This is the fun part. As soon as I got in the car, there was a hostel mood in the air. As expected, my father (sucks I have to call him that) started guilting me as soon as I got in the car until I got home. He said that my mother wanted to go to the movie too and I’m a terrible person for not letting her. He told me she is too nice to force her way into my plans and I should have let her go.

I’m sorry if I don’t want my mom hanging out with me and my friends, but I’m 18. I have friends who don’t want to hang out with my mom. My sister is 16 so if my mom hangs out with her and her friends, good for her, but I am not going to have a helicopter parent holding my hand as I go to the movies with my friends, who invited ME, not her.

I don’t sound selfish either, my mom is awesome, and I love her, but she can’t force her way into my plans, and my dad sure as hell won’t try to manipulate me or make me feel bad. I paid for MY OWN TICKET and I’m not going to make that a waste. Tracy and Dustee were awesome, I’m glad they invited me, but I should have text my mom sooner to get me (and hoped my mom wouldn’t let dad get me).

I ended up coming home that night really pissed off and when my mom asked what happened, as I was walking upstairs, strait from the car, I said that my dad being a – well, it wasn’t nice, and I slammed my door. I ended up talking to Jessica on the phone for 2hours though, until midnight. I don’t know what happened, but talking to Jessica made me feel better.

Jessica, as always, listened to me and helped. She knows that I never take anything offensively and I listen to her. She made me feel better and instead of feeling like crap and wanting to cry, I left the conversation smiling and happy. Trust me, when someone can do that, you have one hell of a good friend!

I went to bed that night happier than if I had not talked to Jessica. I am glad I have a friend like Jessica, because I’ve never had a friend like her before. Nobody has ever cared about me so much. To be perfectly honest, Jessica is the only reason why I’m alive today. She gave me hope that a better day will come. A day where I won’t be where I am in life. I know Bethany let me to Christ, which I’m glad for, that really changed my life too, but I met Jessica before I was saved and I don’t know if I would have made it to church August 3rd.

But I’m here today on November 23rd and that’s what matters, right?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Breaking Dawn Part One

Side note: These paragraphs didn't break well either... I guess Microsoft Word and Blogger aren't very compatible these days...

So yesterday was one of the best days of my entire year, as I predicted prior to the events! Let’s start from the beginning, where things will make since. In fact, let’s start with a small, minor story (because we all love reading what I write, right?).


The penguin who felt happiness for the first time.
By: Zachary Penguin
There was once a penguin named Zachary (may as well be frank about it) who lived a life he didn’t enjoy. He was always sad and depressed. Zachary never much cared for his life or valued it. He always saw it as a waste of time. He never saw value in what God had intended, never knew what God had intended.
One day, during the summer, when Zachary was busy moping around about how terrible life was, he decided to get on Facebook. To his surprise, he had been added to a Facebook Group called, Creative Writing Club. Curious about it, he looked to see who invited him. Bethany had invited him and, after looking through the club a bit, he decided it was nice to be a part of something and stayed.
Eventually Zachary decided to go to Creative Writing meetings that were discussed on the group page by members. After going to these meetings, he met wonderful new friends like Tracy and Jessica. He was starting to feel happiness, love, and other emotions he didn’t know existed.
He had one heck of an interesting summer, starting new relationships and not feeling as depressed all the time. Zachary began to feel happy a portion of the time. Zachary even fell in love during the summer. Though that love didn’t last, he understood and, through a little suicidal rantings and deep conversations with Jessica, who had grown to be his truly best and closest friend, he grew past it all and came out on the other side a better person.
The summer eventually faded and fall sprung its head out from the blankets of time, but Zachary’s friendships with Jessica and Tracy never faded! November rolled around and Zachary had the best month of his entire year. Zachary spent every weekend (as far as I know right now) in November with Jessica. 2 of those weekends with Tracy and Jessica! Zachary felt love like he had never felt before and knew that his friends cared about him. Zachary wanted to shout from the rooftops that he was the happiest man alive, but he was too afraid someone would hear him.
Zachary lived a simple life, tried being a normal teenager (Keyword: Tried). Though Zachary knew there was a grander purpose, he had yet to find it. In the process, Zachary swore to himself that he would never give up on the idea of love. He knew his first love would never work (who does it EVER work for, right?). He decided that love would come, bringing an even grander feeling of happiness to his life. Until that day, he promised himself that he would just try to live each day to his best, as if it were his last, and never give up.


Again, I love my writing. Thank you God for gifting me with such a splendid gift. Onward! I must share my adventures last night with you! That way we can all feel jealous about how awesome I am and the fun I had and you can envy me and all that stuff you shouldn’t really do (please don’t) and yet I know you will. Should I even tell you? Yes… Alright, let’s do this thingy!
So yesterday, around 12pm, we picked up Jessica from her house (prior to 12pm, nothing interesting happened, that was just me cleaning my room and taking a shower, no need to share that (and yet I just did)). Jessica hopped in and we ska-boozled down the road, heading back to my house. We had arranged plans prior and pretty much, to sum it all up, Jessica and I watched X-Men: First Class once we got to my house and hung out after words until 4:30 when we decided to head to our local theatre to see Breaking Dawn Part One at 4:55pm. Tracy had prior to this agreed that she would meet us there and, lucky for her, she wasn’t late and we all got to see the movie.
I’m not going to lie, that movie was freaking INCREDIBLE! I loved that movie, it was SOOO FREAKIN’ INCREDIBLE!! (Oh wait, I just said that).  I was so glad it followed the book; Stephanie is a smart author to not give the rights away (like Rick Riordan chose to do on his Percy Jackson series). The book was incredible, the movie was incredible, and I AM SO MAD I HAVE TO WAIT A YEAR FOR PART TWO!!
Breaking Dawn Part One is totally my favorite movie from the series! Because I know not everyone has seen it yet, which is madness to think about, I won’t give any spoilers away. I need to move on; I am beginning to rant…
So after the movie, we decided to eat something (so we stay alive and stuff) so we got some pizza. We ate the pizza happily and talked about the movie and Jessica and Tracy also talked about their book, which is SO STOKED to read when it’s finally released in January (EVERYONE GO BUY A COPY!!). We had an all-around good time and I was glad I know Jessica and Tracy because I don’t have any movie buddies except for them and Bethany, who hasn’t seen a movie with me in awhile. Besides, there are always those random memories that make it all worthwhile.
Side note: Speaking of memories, it was funny while we were watching the movie; Jessica thought Tracy was holding this box of Candy and Tracy thought Jessica was holding this box of candy. We’ll it ended up spilling in Jessica’s lap, which was probably the funniest random moment during the movie, even though I didn’t know what happened until they told me later. Oh well, it was funny how they described it.
So after we ate pizza, the place had this arcade room and I played Air hockey with them. Not only did I get my pride leveled, I learned that I am NOT the best air hockey player in the world. Maybe I should practice? Oh well.
So for some reason, Tracy was “suddenly” tired and wanted to sleep. It was around 10 o’clock so it was justified. We took her home, because were nice like that, and then Jessica and I hung out in my living room until she had to go home at 12am. That was probably the best— No, that WAS the best night of my entire year. Out of all the memories I’ve had in 2011, that was THE BEST MEMORY I’ve had.
Seeing the movie I’ve been stoked about since Eclipse, seeing my two best friends, and getting pizza ALL IN THE SAME NIGHT! Yes, thank you God for the happiness, it feels good. I wish I had this kind of happiness all the time. It’s better than my normal feelings. Jessica and Tracy supplied the fun and I supplied… uhh, whatever I supply best! Either way, it was the bomb-digity! Best day of my life, hands down.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Fieldtrip Memories

Side Note: Blogger is being glitchy, so the paragraphs didn't break very well on this post (they randomly break where they should). Sorry, in advance, about that...

Today was a fun day, I have to admit that. You’ll probably never guess why though, unless I’ve told you prior to this post. Today was a splendid day for the sole reason that I had a fieldtrip and missed school today for it. Not only did I have a fieldtrip, I knew other people going and had a genuinely good time!
This may sound bizarre coming from me, but I have friends. Yes, I have a social circle, small, but it still counts, and I know how to have fun. The fieldtrip was to UMKC to see the play, A Christmas Carol. I really enjoyed the play, it was awesome! I had a fun time and if I could do something like that every Friday and miss school, you bet your tootin’ butt I would!

Lexie, from my Tech Theatre class, who’s also my good friend, went on the field trip too. I pretty much hung out with her today and we had a really good time! Some of the people from this fieldtrip I didn’t know until today but some people are really cool. I’m all for making new friends and being social, but I don’t invite the situation myself, it has to invite itself. Lucky for me, that happened today.

Side note: I’m not a social butterfly, I’m a social creature. There is a difference between the two and I think some people get them confused. A social butterfly is someone who can talk to ANYONE and has good self-confidence. A social creature is anyone else (give or take a few people). Everyone wants to be social, have friends and talk to someone. I don’t have the confidence to talk to ANYONE and be social, only those who invite the social conversation my direction.

Lexie hangs out with Michael (during this fieldtrip). Michael is a dude who was in my StageCraft class last year. We talked and we’re more acquaintances than anything, but at least we know each other. So because Lexie hangs out with Michael, I am also hanging out with them both. Michael hangs out with Tiffany (Yes, from Tech Theatre) and (please don’t get mad if I mention you and spell your name wrong) Kelly. I, for the life of me, can’t spell the name of the other guy who was there, but let’s just call him Photo Guy (sorry that I can’t use your name).

Side note: I know that I told Tiffany, and all you readers, I wouldn’t mention her again and I have, I think, 3 times, since then, but at least I’m not saying anything that would upset her. I mean, I really screwed things up, as far as— you know what, I’m going to get to that later in the post.

So I’ll just sum up the day and give you the vague details of what happened. We went to McDonalds on the way and I sat with Lexie, who sat with Michael, who sat with Tiffany, Photo Guy, and Kelly. I felt like I was with a group of friends, which is not something I get to experience often, considering Jessica and Tracy don’t live in Liberty. It was fun, we had a good time.
Again, I can’t really go into specifics about what we talked about, etc because it’s not one of those things you can remember and share. My memories are good, not bad (funny though, how I can always remember the bad memories vividly) so don’t worry about that. After McDonalds, we stopped to look at, uhh…. Dang it, I forgot what it’s called. A really big, orchestra building in downtown Kansas City. It’s supposed to be one of the best in the world. IN THE WORLD. I don’t buy it, but I won’t argue either. We made it to UMKC after that and had to part 4 city blocks away and walk.
Walking is fun, if you’re into all that, but when it’s cold and windy, no thanks. I usually don’t care about walking, but this was kinda ridiculous. I didn’t mind the walking, no big deal; I just didn’t like the cold wind. So we made it there and watched the play (I had to fix my hair first, of course. Want to look my best, right?). A Christmas Carol was really good, actually. I enjoyed it! As I said last year, after taking a theatre class, I liked musicals, plays, etc more than I did before. I was more open-minded. This was a really good play too!
If you went to the play, you’ll know what I mean when I say this. The only thing that really scared me and it was more like startled me, was the lightning. That pretty much caught me by surprise. But other than that, awesome play. Freakin’ amazing!
After the play, we went to weinsteads (which I probably spelled wrong) and ate lunch. I ate lunch with all the same people (Michael, Lexie, Tiffany, Kelly, and Photo Guy), though Madison joined us at lunch. It was great. I enjoyed the feeling of hanging out with friends, I actually felt normal.
Side note: Don’t rush to conclusions and think I have no friends. I have Jessica and Tracy. Pretty much, I never eat lunch with more than 2 people. To eat lunch with 6 people and have an on-going conversation, that was great. I don’t want you to start questioning if I’m really some “lonely kid” when I’m not.
So lunch was incredible, I pretty much had an awesome time! Photo guy took pictures of pretty much everything, including me. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I like to think I look awesome in the pics (which I never actually got to see). That was pretty much it; we went back to school and hung out in the theatre until the bell rant 30 minutes later. I had a really good day; nothing could have made it better… I think. Ish. Gosh, I don’t know now. Oh well.
So now that I have explained that, do you want to know what I meant about Tiffany above in the Side note? Yes, good. Pretty much I told her I wouldn’t blog about her (and yet, here I am… blogging about her), but that was a different situation. I don’t think she’ll care if I say that she was in the group I hung out with today. It’s not like I was saying the… stupid things I said before.
Thinking back, I totally regret everything I did to Tiffany. Saying those things about her, making her feel uncomfortable about it. I honestly feel bad. I feel like today would have been a really productive day if I hadn’t posted those things. Just think about it, if she never knew who I was except for Algebra 2 last year and Tech Theatre this year, just those two factors, and add today, I’m pretty sure we’d have been friends. And I’m not just saying that to make myself feel good, because I feel awful thinking about it right now.
Tiffany is such a good person; really, she is such an awesome person. The fact that I had to screw things up with my crazy talk makes me feel completely and utterly stupid. The worst part is, I was just confused in my emotions! Tiffany had so many qualities similar to Bethany, I pretty much idolized that. It was almost unreal how similar to Bethany she was. I want to take it all back. I want to make her think of me as a normal person, someone who doesn’t post stupid blogs about people and not care if they ever read it or not.

I don’t know if Tiffany will read this blog, probably will since I’m going to tell her about it (I’m doing things the safe way this time, I’ll just be honest with her because I am that kind of man), but I am really sorry about everything. I’m sorry that we might not get the chance to be friends. I’m sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable and I put you on the spot, in a sense, which was rude and selfish of me. I missed the chance to be friends with an awesome person.

I am not like most people, I don’t take things offensively, hardly, even if they’re meant harmful. I could probably read about someone else saying things about me and move on perfectly fine, but I’m not most people. If Tiffany isn’t like me, that’s fine, it makes her an individual, but I just wanted to take the time to try to make amends, if I can.

I think today was a step forward, she saw me as an individual outside of school (even if it was school-related). She knows I’m trying to fix it. At least, I think. I don’t want to attempt to go in the brain of someone else and pick out what I think they’re feeling, think, or know. No thanks. I just believe that today shows how I am a normal individual. I am someone who is not the same I was months ago. I’m a different person, someone who’s improved from the person I was. I just hope that everyone, not just Tiffany, can see that too.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Serious Wiplash

Side note: Bear with me, not having the internet means I don’t post these blogs when I type them up. I am going to try to keep things organized but if it’s confusing, I’m terribly sorry. I want internet back just as badly as the next guy. Hey, wanna give me $98? No, that’s fine. Just try to bear with me.

Thank You,

I’ve hit a roadblock. I don’t even know how I’ve made it this far. I am at a loss for words. I need the internet so I can post these blogs right away or at least update Facebook with a decent status. I have regret for what happened Thursday. I feel absolutely awful about how things happened. Posting that blog wasn’t probably my smartest decision, but it’s called my opinion for a reason.

Do you fully believe that you will be able to solve something if you talk the person? I am still trying to figure that out. I fully believe I have an issue. I will admit that right now. I have an issue with people. Some people just cause you to feel so mad, angry, and, generally speaking, pissed off. I wish I hadn’t been texting Bethany. I wish I had been face-to-face so I could better resolve things. Though I wanted to get in her face and scream at her, which probably wouldn’t have helped.

Screaming at her would not solve anything though, so maybe texting is a better option. I’m so skeptical on how tomorrow will go (which is technically yesterday). I want to say that we will talk and resolve things, but even when we were fine with each other, I never talked to her. So when she’s mad at me, you think she’ll let me talk to her? Not a chance in hell.

I feel like I start everything though. Maybe I take the blame for everything because I don’t want problems. Maybe that’s my mistake. Should I always take the blame for everything? Regardless of who’s at fault, I seem to do it anyway. I have no reason to feel this way, yet I do. Bethany probably gave the blame to me, let me carry this burden of hers, and had a fun time doing whatever it is she does for fun.

I don’t have internet and I don’t really like Facebook Mobile so I haven’t been on recently so I don’t know if she’s said anything about me or not. All I know is that I refuse to let her give me this burden. I want a little peace of mind. I’m going to try, keyword ‘try’, to talk to Bethany on Sunday. We always sit in this back room and talk from 9 to 10 in the morning. It’s ‘technically’ Sunday school, but for teens. We don’t always get around to what Michael tried saying, because an hour can pass quickly, it really can, but if I can, I’m going to try to talk to Bethany.

She may try to bolt for the door, but I’m hopefully going to get there first. Besides, it’s for the best intentions anyway. Though that’s all I really have to say about it right now. If Sunday works out, I’ll probably post something happy about what happened. If not… Well, you know how I am. Probably too well.

Bethany aside, I had SO MUCH FUN last night with Jessica and Tracy! School was the usual day, bleh, and I don’t know how I’ll feel getting back my test grade in Prob and Stat, but let’s hope for the best. Oh, funny story! Time out, I’ll get back to Jessica and Tracy in a second.

So I posted my previous blog first thing when I got to school (Friday morning, 7:40ish) and I told myself (and Jessica the previous night) that before 5th hour, I would be called to the office and reported. I went to my first 3 classes successfully, but then the funniest thing happened in 4th hour. I had Graphic Design 3-4 block on Friday and half way into 4th hour, a pass was given to me to see the counselor at the end of the hour. BOO YA, I had gotten my pass.

I was, in a seriously messed up way, excited. I wanted to go in there and tell the counselor I had issues, you can’t fix me, ha ha ha! I didn’t do anything illegal, so all they can do is know that I’m a depressed kid. The school can’t prescribe you meds, so they really couldn’t do anything but talk to me. A lot of good that did last time, just made me miss most of class. Way to go; now I’m missing class and nothing productive happens, yay! Like I care if I miss class, but it’s like I enjoyed the therapy session that day either.

So I go into the office, totally stoked, and ready to talk my way out of the situation again, unless I wanted to actually get depressed while we talk and look like the messed up dude I am. I go up to the lady at the desk and tell her I was called in, a smile across my face, when she just asks me if I’m going to take the COMPASS test at this college I’m going to in the fall, next Tuesday. I was no longer excited.

All they wanted was to know if I was going to that dumb text? Compared to what I wanted it to be about, I was very disappointed. Whatever. I did, actually, agree to go. I needed to take that test anyway. I guess my blog didn’t get many views that day or something. Oh well.

It’s not like I’m saying, ‘Hey, go report me please’, I’m just used to my blog causing issues. So that’s pretty much the end of it, I’m guessing. Back to Jessica and Tracy.

I got home from school and worked on my story until around 5:30, when I went upstairs and put on my hoody and combed my hair and got ready to chill with Jessica and Tracy at 6:00. We had planned everything earlier that week and we knew we would go to sonic at 6:00, eat on the way to the theatre, watch the movie at 7:00 and get out sometime around 9:00. It all worked out pretty well too!

I can’t really explain what happened, as far as what we talked about, etc because it’s not really explainable. If you’ve ever hung out with your friends, there are always those conversations or things that happen that are just fun and you had an awesome time, you just can’t really re-tell it because nobody will get it the way you did. But I had an absolute blast!

Jessica and Tracy are my two best friends for a reason. First, were both writers so we love talking about book ideas, plots, characters, and generally things that bore other people. Second, we’re all awesome! Third, we just love having a good time. And lastly, we’re all awesome!

Sunday and Friday were the highlights of my week. I don’t know how it can get any better, but I’m open-minded. Oh yeah, I work tonight. Closing with Kelsey! HA! So it will get better. Sweet! I am so going to enjoy this weekend. Too late, I already have!

The second I stepped into Pastor Michael’s car, I never wanted to scream at Bethany. I looked at Bethany; she had a reassuring smile on her face.

“Hi, my name is Bethany!” she said with an exuberant smile, holding her hand out to shake mine.

“Hi, my name is Zachary?” I asked, half confused, but a smile across my face as i shook her hand.
We sat in silence the rest of the way, my brain full of a million questions. What is happening is this supposed to happen? I thought I was going to crazy, I was blown away! I wasn’t mad though, but the exact opposite! We arrived in the parking lot and exited the car.

We entered the building with smiles. Bethany didn’t talk to me the rest of service, but that didn’t matter to me, anymore. I was forgiven or so I thought. All anger, all resentment, was pulled out of me, like she put a vacuum to my soul and, with her words, sucked out all the bitter feelings I felt towards her.


Okay I’m done with that story. But nice to see me write something, right? I love it. Man, I’m not mad at Bethany anymore and I don’t know why! Okay, I know why, but I don’t… if you know what I mean. Just refer back to the short, short, SHORT, story I wrote above.

I don’t really have anything else to say for now. Just remember, that people change. A lot. So much, it might make you question both YOUR SANITY and THEIRS! Haha, I think Bethany is fine. I know it. It’s God, he does amazing things. I give all glory and good to God. I really pissed off Bethany, like A LOT! I was sure our friendship was over and I EVEN TOLD BETHANY THAT!!

But I guess, yeah, were friends still and the 3 months is not where our friendship went down the toilet! I won’t complain if she doesn’t go to my Christmas party at this point. I don’t want any more issues and that might be the next thing that would cause problems. If she goes, great. If not, I will respect her decision and reason for doing so (even if it appears really dumb to me).

Friday, November 11, 2011

Burning all my bridges...

Have you ever tried to solve a problem you caused, where it just made things worse? I have. Many times, I have. Actually, making my problems worse seems to be a gift I have. Oh yeah, any relationship you want ruined, you should be my apprentice, so you know what to do. Just try to live my life and you’ll end up alone and miserable. And if you act now, I can give you all the priceless treasures in my life, considering I would already be miserable, wouldn’t make things any worse, right?

Bethany is not happy with me. Not happy at all. In fact, I can only form this opinion through our texts, but I’m pretty sure she’s all out pissed at me. I don’t even know what I did wrong. Communication solves an issue. It does more than that. It creates resolution and invites happiness to join the party.

Every rose has its thorns, I don’t want to be the one who hurts anyone, but yet, I seem to be the one causing everyone’s life to get worse. Why did I have to make that stupid promise to Jessica?! I don’t want to be a problem for everyone in my life to deal with. I want to just make it easy for everyone. What if I just left one day and vanished?

Would anyone care if I had completely vanished from existence? Sure, you knew I was here, but the fact that you don’t have physical proof of my being here right now, would you forget about me? I think that people would move on. The only think I can be remembered for is…. Well, honestly, pain.

I caused Tiffany to view me as a person I’m not. I am the reason for my relationship faults with Bethany. I am the reason Jessica is single, which I feel completely awful about! Every issue I cause seems to make everyone else’s life miserable. I am the product of nothing good. I don’t care if my parents think they love me, they need to put that illusion that in the closet or out the window, take your pick.

Yeah, I’m sure reading my bible and praying will open up this big window and a whole bunch of answers will flood into my brain. I will be almost magically given the answers I’ve been seeking. I am sure that’ll happen. I’m not being sarcastic either, I’m serious! I’m always too angry to read my bible. I want to just dive in, like I see some people doing.

I know my gift of writing is for a better reason than writing erotic lit. The lie that I am nobody, yeah, I’ve heard that before. I’m not a suicidal maniac, though maybe that’s what some professionals might say. At least I’m not acting on it. I am so mad that Jessica made me promise her! I would never break a promise with Jessica; she does so much for me.

For one, she actually gives a living crap about me! She doesn’t see me as a ‘mistake’ or ‘waste of God’s time’. Jessica actually cares about me. The only person on this entire planet, it seems, at times. She is always there. For that I owe her so much. And if that means I have to keep my promise that I won’t--- never mind, but I swear to God, I’m never going to break it.

It’s hard at times, though. It’s really hard to keep a promise of that magnitude. I think about all the people who would ACTUALLY care and I can only think of a few. Jessica would probably go crazy sad and cry till she can’t anymore, which I can’t allow to happen. Pastor Mike and Laura would probably be really sad. I know where you go when you choose your fate, instead of giving it to God. I’m not stupid; hell is not like you think.

I fully believe that you will burn forever, feeling the flesh burn off your skin, layer by layer, forever. You will scream and your throat will be dry, you will be in the ultimate pain, for the rest of eternity. It’s not some story you hear or plot in a movie, it is as real as the screen you’re staring at!

As painfully horrible as that is, I sometimes don’t care to think about it. I just think out of context. It all leads back to me though, I am the problem. I am a problem. I think what ruined my relationship with Bethany was falling in love with her. Looking back, I don’t know how I loved her. It sounds mean, but we’ve been texting as I type this up (which, by the time I post this, would be yesterday) and I told her that we’ve burned our bridge too many times. I told her I was done.

I can just imagine Bethany freaking out like Clarissa did that one day and think I was suicidal. That was fun. It scared the crap out of Clarissa that day. The only reason it scared her is because she doesn’t want my death on her conscious. Oh the joy of that day… Not!

I’m actually listening to music and texting Jessica as I type this. Not depressing music either, though I have some songs. I’ve destroyed my relationship with Bethany. It’s over. At least it wasn’t as long as some of the other relationships I’ve destroyed. Let’s do the math, knowing Bethany (in person) for 3 and a half months is probably a record. Sure, we used to be texting friends for many months before I knew her in person, but for the love of God, I DEMOLISHED OUR RELATIONSHIP IN 3 FREAKING MONTHS!! That’s got to be the most pathetic record in the world.

I am a damn fool if I believe that we can fix this. When it takes two people and she’s not willing, it makes it impossible. Love is a pain in the ass. I don’t give a crap about love anymore; all my opinions or thoughts on love have been false or smashed in my face.

I have loved these past few days the most too! I found out that I am failing Prob and Stat, the one class I need to graduate. I am no longer eligible for A+, which means I don’t get a free 2 years of College.  I am alone in the world. I left church slightly depressed on Wednesday. I am such a loser for believing that I had solved things with Bethany.

I guess I enjoyed the high I had for awhile. Being so happy was fun, I loved that. Bethany and I could smile and we didn’t have to worry about anything because all our past had been forgotten and washed away. I guess that only works with God. People never forget things.

If I could just get across the point that I hate my life so passionately right now, that’d be great. I have a Probability and Statistics test tomorrow (which is technically today) that I’ll probably fail. My life is turning into a failure. I don’t want to hear the bull that I can turn it around with a change in attitude and some effort, because that only looks cool in the movies. This is life. Reality. Not that Hollywood bull shit.

I am so sick and tired of everything that happens. Again, this Bethany crap is a broken record, it never stops, just repeats itself. The only problem is I can’t do what I did the last time, it’s not exact. It’s like there’s this single magical difference. For the love of God, literal people are a pain in the ass!

Nothing against them, and I’m not talking directly about Bethany, but people who take things literal, they need to learn to relax. Maybe something that was said jokingly wasn’t meant they way you took it. Maybe you need to take a chill pill and find your happy place before you say something stupid.

Everyone has issues, even me. For all I know, I should be given a heavy dose of medicine, strong pills, a counselor, and learning IEP. But how the hell should I know, nobody ever gave me a psychological evaluation. In the eyes of ‘professionals’, I am a normal teenager.

Yeah right, I feel real normal right now. Maybe I’m just caught up in the moment and ranting angrily about things because Bethany is so stubborn. I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll get an ear full tomorrow. Why does she even read my blog is she knows she’ll get upset?! It’s my opinion; don’t ask me to change my blog because you don’t agree. Good thing, otherwise it’d be YOUR blog and YOUR opinion would be on it.

I’m probably going to post this and then fully regret it before I get home from school. It’s too bad I don’t have internet at home right now. Our internet provider, Clear, said we didn’t pay the $94 we owed from last month, when my mom paid it and had a confirmation number. They didn’t seem to care. They were trying to scam us. Oh well. I guess I will have to live without internet for now. Which sucks. A lot.

I want to have a little freedom and enjoy my life the way it should be enjoyed. Sadly, that’s not going to happen anytime soon. I’m going to fail that test tomorrow; I’m going to hear my teacher complain about it. I’m going to take it. I’m just going to store that away. I can’t, err, won’t tell my teacher about everything in my personal life, but I just want a little slack.

Sure, we all have issues, but when you can’t focus in class, that’s going to reflect on your class grades. Doesn’t that show anything? Isn’t a lack in care supposed to mean something, on a psychological level or something? I’m not a smart person, how should I know. I’m just good at writing and doing things in graphic design. I was never good at the other stuff.

It’s funny; Pastor Michael said he can see me writing novels. Christian novels, to be exact. I can totally see that too, but I would have to start reading the bible and praying, which I can’t bring myself to do when I’m so upset. When I’m so pissed at people. I’m not even sure I’m going to be at school very long tomorrow or maybe Monday.

I’m probably going to get reported thanks to this blog and I’ll be asked all kinds of dumb questions. I already told the counselor I was depressed, not like it mattered. I said I didn’t care and I was depressed and it’s my opinion. She sent me on my way and I haven’t been back in the office since. Thanks for the loving attention. The public school system is stupid. They only care about making money so they can pay the teachers and go home. If I were a principle, I would go nuts.

I have actually met my principle on a few occasions, in his office. They weren’t friendly occasions either. I won’t relive the past, but he is a nice guy. He actually cares, that I’m sure of. What I don’t get though is why we get all these assemblies or etc that pretty much say each student is important and “watch these signs for depression” and etc when it’s totally false.

Sure, maybe 1 in 200 kids will show those signs, but I’m generally a happy person. I have probably shown the signs they tell you, a few times. Happy people get depressed too, but they usually wait till nobody is watching. I’m an actor, I like making videos (if my camera’s not being stupid) and I know how to act a certain way around my peers. I can wear a smile and laugh at a joke. That doesn’t mean I’m all rainbows and penguins either though.

I’m just—done. I am not going to blog anymore about this because I’d end up ranting for too long. You don’t want to read all that crap. Frankly, I don’t want to tell you. I only have 12 followers and yet hundreds are reading my blog? That makes since. I’ll live my life, take that test tomorrow, and generally keep breathing, but just thank GOD that I got saved and made that promise to Jessica. She keeps me motivated to not give up. Even when it’s really hard. Like today.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Quick Rant and Sunday

So maybe I didn’t have such pleasant thoughts on Saturday, whatever. I really don’t care if you think I’m a terrible person, though I heard a mouthful from Bethany anyway. God, some people take things to literal. I’m not here to rant about my father though, even though I could go on forever, I am instead here to talk about, mostly, Sunday, the only day this week my father was tolerable.

Before I get to that, I want to explain what I meant with the comment about Bethany. Look, I don’t want to have a dispute with Bethany about who I should or shouldn’t hate, I know I’m only supposed to use the word ‘hate’ when I’m talking about the devil, I get that enough from my parents, but I am not, as Bethany put it, ‘killing there soul’, when I say I hate someone.

I was a little extreme in my emotions towards my father while posting last, but at least Bethany text me instead of leaving an ugly comment on the post. I deleted the messages, but it was an all out rant about why I shouldn’t say I hate my dad and why I should love him. I get that some people don’t have the ‘perfect life’, growing up with both parents, but even when you do, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. It gets ugly.

I have seen the ugly side of my father more in my life than I have seen the good side. Sorry if that means I have to view him as such, but you treat me like I’m trash and disrespect me, I’m going to think you’re a bad person and avoid you. I avoided my father this weekend for that reason and I was a little rude to him too, just to make a point. Though I was nice on Sunday, the one day this week he didn’t show his ugly side.

Sunday was awesome! I was flippin’ joy all day! I went to church as I usually do and had a great time, though I didn’t have any ‘highs’ for the week, which is just a think we do in the mornings (not worth explaining). When I got home, my parents were both gone (that’s not why I had a good day though), but they showed up about 20 minutes later. As I was at home, I worked on my story, the one of my many I’m working on, and tried to get some more done with that.

Side note: I haven’t written anymore of my erotic lit since I got saved last August, because I didn’t view it as worthy enough, but I got a great idea for a plot the last month and haven’t willed myself to work on it, because of the content it would have, not being worthy enough. I decided to write it though, regardless, because these stories are too great. After a talk with Jessica though, I decided I am DONE completely with my erotic lit. This is my last story, yes, I’ll finish it, but that’s it. I have 4 erotic lit stories, once this is finished, and I will be done. 3 are part of a trilogy and 1 is just a solo story. I never posted them on my story blog because I only post family friendly stories on there. Hope knowing this doesn’t ruin your image of me though, I’m a great guy who made the mistakes of taking my skills a different direction. I am no longer going to write that genre and all is fine.

When my parents arrived home, I turned off the computer and greeted them in the driveway, they wanted to have a fun evening so we were going to see a movie and eat dinner. They were talking about inviting my sister’s boyfriend, so I countered by saying if he was invited, I got to invite one of my friends. My dad sighed and said he knew that would happen. He asked what friend I would invite and, my mom didn’t even have to guess twice. My dad guessed I would invite Bethany, but she was bitching at me about hating my dad at the time so I wasn’t about to reward her like that. Besides, Bethany makes it a point to be conveniently busy when I want to do something anyway so I know she would have said no.

Side note: I am having a Christmas party on December 9th and Bethany isn’t going, she says. She told me that because I’m making it a sleepover and were going to hang out on the 10th as well, she can’t go. It’s like she suddenly has a rule about spending the night with me. She’s spent the night with me before, when I invited her and Jessica over for a sleep over back in July! We had a really fun time and I don’t regret that at all!! I just want my best friend back, which I’ve had recently, up until Sunday. I want the Bethany I used to know back, the one who thought I was worth talking to. Now, in order to stay friends, I can’t text her or see her outside of church? That’s bogus man, it’s like I got cheated.

I am not going to confront her or anything because it’s not a big enough deal right now, I have other things to worry about, like not failing High School now that I’m so close to the end. If Bethany wants to be friends, she has to know that being friendly is part of it. Yes, I agree that friends can disagree on some things, but if all you do in one week is argue about one thing, that’s not very healthy for the relationship, in my opinion.

I’m not here to complain about Bethany, I never am, and that was only a small detail in my weekend, besides my father, which is never a small detail, he makes sure of that. I was here to tell you about Sunday.

I invited Jessica. She was my number one pick! I didn’t even have to think twice about it. Jessica is so much fun to hang out with, because I am never bored while I’m with her. Other than Tracy, she is my best friend. But unlike Tracy, the one difference, I am closer to Jessica than I am with Tracy. I don’t know why, but we just don’t keep secrets between each other and we have a whole trust thing going on. I don’t keep anything from her, even if it reflects on me poorly and she does likewise.

I know she cares about me so even when I look at my worst, she won’t cast judgment, but instead try to help me pick myself up and improve. She is just a really awesome, well-rounded, fun, happy person. That definitely qualifies in my book as ‘best friend material’ in my book, I don’t know about you though.

We ended up going to see the movie Tower Heist, which was a really great movie, I’ll have you know. Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller were great together, not to mention the other incredible cast members. It was an awesome heist movie too, not many can be found these days. After the movie though, we decided to eat dinner.

On the way to eat, we stopped by Tommy’s house though. He couldn’t go see the movie because he was out of town. When we got to his house, Carolyn was also there. I didn’t care, because it’s not my business, but apparently my parents were upset. I don’t know what Hannah was thinking but I didn’t want to know, frankly. In the end, Tommy left with us though. So Hannah sat in the back with Tommy and I sat in the middle with Jessica, which I didn’t mind, I was comfy.

Dinner was great, I loved the food. It was awesome. Trust me, I could rant about food for a very long time, so I’m not going to talk much about dinner, other than how awesome it tasted! But that’s pretty much the rest of the night. We took Jessica home first, followed by Tommy, and then I went home and to bed.

That night was awesome and it was totally the highlight of my week! I am just really glad I had such a fun time, which usually only happens when I’m with my friends. I have lots of fun on Wednesday’s though, I love church, that’s always a fun night during my week, probably one of the best nights of my weekday.

Side note: I do not currently have internet at home right now, it got shut off earlier in the week, which is why I haven’t been able to post. Try to be patient because I can only post blogs from school now, meaning I have to type them up on a word doc and save them on my flash drive (to be more efficient) before I can post them. Don’t freak out or anything, because I can still post, but I don’t know when my service is getting turned back on.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Leave me the hell alone!

I planning on posting something on Wednesday, but the librarian said I had a 'closed advisory' so no passes were to be given out. Sadly, for me, she was wrong. We ended up doing NOTHING in advisory and I sat there, wishing I could have gone to the library.

I wanted to 1. Post a new blog and 2. Work on my story. Neither one worked out. I tried again Thursday only to find out that my dad was home. GREAT! He had the TV on, bugged me, and I didn't get around to it. Right now they are going to pay bills or something. Thank God! I hate my dad.

I will admit, I grew tolerable of my father since I got saved, and became a christian (and actually started following it). Though recently, as in, since he's been here, he's been nothing short of an asshole. I can't stand how he has been so short-tempered, rude, and bossy. I don't give a damn if he is my father, he can at least be A LITTLE nice to me. I mean, he shoved his religious crap down my throat again yesterday, trying to tell me I'm being a bad christian and I need to do things differently if I want to 'keep relationships' and it was in a very demanding voice.

I like Michael, because he knows how to talk to you. He doesn't get rude, mean, or hasty (and I guess there is no background between us though). Michael is just a really nice guy who cares about me. I appreciate that, so I listen to Michael. I listen to everyone at my church, they all genuinely care about me. I don't get why, I'm just ME, but they do.

The funny thing is, I think only Bethany and Michael, out of everyone from my church, have read my blog. If they read my blog.... Man, I would probably get prayed for once by everyone! Though I don't ask for prayers, I just want my friends to be prayed for. I want my friends to be happy, I don't really care about myself. And you can't say its selfish, because it's the opposite! There is no bad in wishing happiness for others. That's selflessness!

But I just get so mad at some people, I just don't want to pray for them. It makes me mad. I want them to have a horrible day or week or month, but then I will probably end up with the bad week. Like right now, I'm so mad at my dad, I will praise God when he finally leaves on Wednesday! He has already ruined my week with ONE DAY! Giving him 6 days is wrong! MEAN! I don't want him here that long!!

He tried shoving his TV crap down my throat yesterday and then today he got REALLY pissed at my mom because she wanted him to help clean the kitchen, so they've been arguing all morning. When I sit in 'his chair', he yells at me and gets really mad! Not to mention, he told me, he never wants me to get my license because i'm nothing but a brat!!

I wish I could live somewhere else. Take my life and move it elsewhere. I don't want to live with my dad. I want his money, that's selfish of me, but I don't care. I want his money and I want to life in a world where his stupid display of hatred will never bug me. I love my mom, more than I'll ever love my dad, because my mom doesn't get mean or rude with me. She is nice. Sure, I've gotten mad at her from time to time over little, pathetic stuff, but we don't hold onto it, we let it go and move on. My dad will NEVER forget it and throw it at you any chance he gets.

My life is sort of falling apart again. It's no longer Bethany causing my problems, praise God. It's my family this time. My sister got into something this week with a few people. I don't even know the details, but people say she was in the middle and complained to me about it. I didn't even get involved, but if is still going on Monday, I'm going to set people strait.

I won't even tell you everything going on with my sister, she has just blown my mind this week. With my sister's drama and now my own with my father, it's more then I can stand. I can't just leave it on the weekends and cool down, because HE IS IN MY HOUSE HARASSING ME!! Family is harder to deal with when they're ALWAYS THERE!! I can't just leave the house, he won't let me. I can't just go in my room, he will judge my reasoning.

I should have probably taken my ACT by now, but I haven't. I'm pretty much screwing up my college plan with all this crap. I mean, why does this have to be so hard? I suck at planning things like this. I can organize some things, but there are others where I crash and fail. I shouldn't fail with my education, but apparently, I am. The stress is almost to much. It would be so much better if my dad was gone, because all he is, when I see him, is a reminder of what I'll become if I fail.

Side note: I don't need to hear about how much of a terrible person I sound like, because I already know. I feel bad enough about it, feeling this way. I don't want to feel this way towards my father, but, honestly, he is just a pain in my ass. His money is all that I have ever liked. When he starts treating me like a person, a son, another human being, then maybe my opinions will change.

I have stopped myself from writing poetry again, because when I think about my dad, all I get are angry emotions. I get angry and I want to write mean, hurtful things. I don't want my dad to find that. He would be offended. I guess reading this might offend him too though.

I love my dad, more than I'll ever admit to myself, but he makes hating him way to easy!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Money limits you, but writing can free you

I have been so distracted with my life recently, I haven't remembered to post a blog. It is terribly inconvenient but I've remembered now, so that's what matters. To me, anyway, I s'pose. Either way, you have to wait for more posts from me so you'd have to remind me I happen to forget (which rarely happens FYI).

So it's been almost a week and all I can honestly say that I have had a pretty decent week. I have been scarcely on my phone other then texting Tracy or Jessica. I also Text Heather quite a bit now. I guess I kinda replaced Bethany with Heather. Not in the love aspect, I don't see myself falling in love ANY TIME SOON. It's called a broken heart for a reason, it needs time to heal.

While I'm on the subject, I don't know how to approach Bethany anymore. I mean, were friends still and their are no problems between us, but because I want it to stay that way, I don't text her, ever, comment on Facebook status's (I do still, but rarely), and I do not talk to her at church. Look, I was one lucky punk to get our friendship back. There is NO WAY IN HELL I am going to screw it up. I want to keep us happy with each other.

You get my reasoning, right? It's not stupid, is it? God, maybe I am being to cautious.. I mean, I can still socialize and be friends. Being friends and never talking is just dumb. Dang it, I knew I was being stupid. Maybe I am just-- I will tell you this metaphor I thought about when my friend Daniel went to talk to this girl in Study Hall who is friends with Tiffany (who sits next to her at Study Hall).

Daniel is a social butterfly, he can communicate with anyone he wants with an almost mocking ease. I, on the other hand, am a social caterpillar. I thought about being social, but I changed my mind. That's how I would describe myself to people. I am a social caterpillar.

Bethany is more of a social butterfly too! I am terrible around social people, but I'm also terrible around social caterpillar's as well. Dang, I am totally screwed! Oh well, I became friend with Bethany, right? That means I can be social. Ish. I can be social-ish. Woo (note the sarcasm).

This will work itself out, I believe. If I am right, all good things must come to an end, BUT! If i don't even challenge the good, It won't change at all. HA! I beat the system. I finally out-smarted the man. I am so clever. I should pat myself on the back. I think I will.

So I had to work last night. I had to work a dud shift on Halloween. We had 36 people come in to the Tree of Lemons all day. In my opinion, they wasted money having two people work. Though I didn't mind, I can always use the extra money.

Speaking of money, I hate how:

  1. It can go so fast
  2. It is so valuable
  3. It makes either happiness or hatred
  4. It is a plain dumb concept

I don't like how money is so valuable, things are so expensive, and money is needed for EVERYTHING! The saying 'nothing is free in this world', it totally true! I might be losing my paycheck as fast as I get it. I know it's going to be a good check, but I just don't understand how it can disappear so quickly. Ugh! I want all my friends and everyone I know to suddenly get $100,000 because that would solve so many financial issues for them. All I want for my friends is happiness and money will help that a lot better then I can.

Be honest with yourself, if you could financially stabilize your friend (and/or their family), wouldn't you? I know I would. I know they like me and I'm an awesome dude, but I believe it would be greatly appreciated if they could get their family out of debt, pay off bills, get caught up on a lot of things, even buy new clothes if they don't have many!

I don't want to win Mr. America or anything, that's not what I'm saying. I just want happiness for my friends. I know my family would be able to pay off a lot with that kind of money! It would be a fantastic blessing! I pray every night that God would bless my friends, because I love them all. I love my friends more then anything! I would give my entire paycheck away for them. I'm being legit too, If I am close enough to them, like Jessica and Bethany (though I guess Bethany isn't that close to me, anymore), I would so help them out if times were hard for them.

You know what sucks the most, the fact that Jessica can appear SO HAPPY, in any situation. It's absolute madness! GIVE ME SOME OF THAT, PLEASE! I wish I could be so happy in every situation. But Jessica is really strong. She never gives up on herself or a situation or even anyone else. She is so strong. Stronger then I ever knew someone could be.

Jessica gives me hope. I never knew you could learn so much from someone. I mean, obviously Jesus died for me and he has a bunch of amazing lessons in the bible for me to read (If I ever make myself sit down to read them), but Jessica is like a story book with a plot that makes me want to read forever. Her strength is incredible. I have become a better person from knowing Jessica. I have matured as a person, and as a person maturing into adulthood, it's a good thing I know Jessica.

I don't want to be one of those childish adults who never grows up. I mean, for Pete's sake, love shouldn't happen for an immature man, it would be wrong. I know that if I loved Bethany and never grew up, it wouldn't work. Now that I have matured these past few weeks, or months, I think I could handle a relationship. I know that a month ago, Bethany and I would have never worked out, maybe we would have still lasted this long, I have no idea, and I'll never get the chance to find out, but It wouldn't work unless I matured, stepped up to the plate, and provided for my woman.

I am going to spend this next month, single, just maturing, and paying attention in my classes. I have to get my head in the game if I want to graduate.

Oh yeah! I forgot to mention, silly me, Jessica and Tracy came over on Saturday! I WAS SO FREAKIN' HAPPY!!! Jessica is my super best frosty friend!! I never get to see her, maybe once every month and a half, and I haven't seen Tracy since the summer, July, I think. I was so glad we got to hang out! I had to work Saturday night, but It was still fun to see them. I have wanted to see them for awhile now and now that It finally happened, I am glad that we could take it easy and chill out. We even brainstormed for some of our books/stories!

This week has been good, but I am still skeptical on the texting. I know Bethany appreciates it, she even told me so, but I like texting her! She was my best friend. Your not my best friend if you don't talk to me daily. She doesn't talk to me but a simple "Hello" on Sundays and Wednesday nights. I don't even care about that, It's just a little dumb. That I can't text anyone in my contact list and get a reply that is cheery and happy. I mean, there are people I could text, from my life before I got saved, who would LOVE TO TEXT ME, but I am not going back there. Eventually, I am going to start reading my bible and really getting into the word.

Oh yeah, In case you didn't know, I am working on a story. I am taking a quick break from my novel and I'm writing a story (not very long). I have been wanting to write it for awhile and it's been peeving me to just leave the idea alone. This is one of my, different, genre's that I write stories in. Though I don't care who knows, I am not ashamed of it, I don't let anyone read them. I have written 3 stories, this will be my 4th. Not to mention, this is going to be a trilogy, as of now. I am unsure if i want to write a 4th story, I have to see where the plot in the 3rd takes me.

Writing seems to make me happy, it sends me to another place. I love writing stories and poetry and songs that I can sing. It makes me happy to type something up that can, potentially, change someones life. I love it so much! I want my life to be one of those "remembered" lives. I know that If I keep living each day with my head held high, I will achieve that goal. I want God to use my writing too, I know this story isn't very praise-worthy, if you know what I mean, but I'm talking about writing with my songs and books. I am working on 2 novels, but I mostly talk about Twisted.

Gary and his Disciple has been put on major hold, I probably won't start that again till 2013, honestly, I want to focus on Twisted and my songs. I also find huge inspiration in music and movies. I pay attention to small details, I'm a writer,  I have too. words in songs, meanings, etc. Its not a dumb habit, it's a gift. Though my talking to myself (Aka, me ranting out loud to myself, where I reply and argue) may be a curse...