Thursday, October 27, 2011

Trying to simplify my life

Things are going so good for me right now, I got Bethany back, as a friend!! That was the only majorly messed up thing in my life. Since it's been fixed, I have been able to focus better and I actually don't feel as depressed all the time! I am sorry if the way I live my life doesn't seem right, but I just do what I can and I'm trying to live the best I can.

So now that Bethany is back in the picture, I'm sort of at a crossroad. I got her new phone number and, sure, we have text once since Sunday, but I'm trying something new. Our old friendship was pretty much us texting ALL DAY, everyday, then she started acting weird the past month or so and stopped texting me, hardly replying to anything (This is before her service on her first phone was shut off). It confused me so I assumed it was me, otherwise it wouldn't have happened.

Well as part of our new friendship, I don't want to text her everyday and annoy her. Some people don't like texting every single day. I don't get it, I would die if I didn't text SOMEONE everyday, but believe me or not, Bethany is one of those people. I just don't want to bug her, I want us to stay friends, so I'm not texting her, I'm afraid to, honestly. I was COMPLETELY SHOCKED when she forgave me for everything that went down this past week and wanted to renew our friendship. I knew that she cared about me at that point and I didn't want to decline the offer.

Heck yeah I want to be her friend!! Are you kidding me, she is so much fun! I know that if I can manage with the little stuff, like texting, it won't suck as much the longer I get into it. It sucks, knowing you could text her, but just... don't. I know that it's my choices in life that make things how they become, but when you analyze the data of my life, every relationship I've had (Jessica and Tracy exempt), I have managed to ruin it, one way or another. It's terribly annoying.

I want my friendships to last, not be short term. I don't want short term friends, I want friends who will be with me until the end, someone who will invest into me what I invest into them. That's not asking to much, especially since I'm such a nice guy.

Can you believe I can rant about texting? Never did I think it would be an issue... But I was wrong. Very wrong. It's funny. The fact that people just don't like texting every day is funny. Not gonna find me leaving my phone at home some day because I "don't feel like texitng" that day. Ha! I NEED MY PHONE, it's a life necessity these days. Also, I like texting Jessica and Tracy!

Oh yeah, speaking of Jessica, I'm trying the same with her, I try not to text her all the time, I figure it's a good habit to start. Not text as much OR until they text you. Though Jessica texts me at around 9 o'clock usually and Bethany just doesn't text me, which I'm adjusting too. I really don't worry about it, It's just something I think about.

I want to mature as an individual. I told Jessica this last night, I want to mature as an individual and become a better person. Even if it is something small like just texting Bethany a few times a week or not at all, unless she texts me. I just want to enjoy life, but remove the things that could potentially falter that.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Going way down, then back up... on extremes!!

I want to start this post by thanking God for everything he does for me, he is, legit, the bomb-digity! Today has been an up and down day and I'm not sure why, but I take everything with an open heart and acceptance.

Okay, So I was sitting in first hour, Comm Arts, the tension was high because nobody did there reading assignment over the weekend. A few people did, including me, but hardly nobody did it. I don't actually blame them, this book were reading, The catcher in the rye, is completely terrible! Its about a 12 year old boy who complains about everything and everyone using excessive language, smokes cigarettes, drinks alcohol, and in this last chapter, he hires a prostitute. Lovely things teachers put into the minds of young adults. I have actually used the language in this book more because it's rubbing off and I don't like using language.

So I was about 10 minutes till class ended and I got a text from Jessica. A text that changed my life, forever. I am only going to lead you on because I won't tell you what it said. But it really, really, REALLY sucked! If you know me, then maybe you know, but if you don't, you just read this, you're being left in the dark. Sorry.

But the next big news I got was that I found out Bethany Facebook messaged me because Andrew text me. I really don't like that guy because he has told me so much crud I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know ANY of that... I mean, the whole "second phone" and "secret boyfriend" were the worst. Bethany would keep that from me... why? Because it'd hurt me? I can take it.

Whatever, The message she sent me was pretty much (in a long, 5-ish paragraph message) her saying that she is sorry for everything she ever did to me to make me feel like crap or terrible. She doesn't love me, again, she says. I believe her this time, I'm not going to mess with that. I am going to believe her, this time. I'm finally done loving her. Now I love her, as a friend, and I've told her this. We had this very long, amazing conversation on Facebook that clarified so much.

In the last message she sent on Facebook, she told me, "...since we're being honest here, i have to tell you. It wasn't Andrew you were talking to. It was me the whole time. Again, I'm really sorry."

Don't over-react, I wasn't mad.

I actually laughed at myself, i started laughing (which during SSR, isn't good. People started to stare at me) because I should have known, it was funny. I laughed at myself for everything that went on between "Andrew and myself" and laughed so hard. I had to let it out. We were friends again, everything was cleared up and we were happy! I was so happy!

But then I started thinking to myself, I got mad at ANDREW for telling me a bunch of CRAP about Bethany, like the boyfriend, cell phone, and July 29th! Mostly July 29th. So as a response to me being mad at Andrew, I did some things I now regretted. I even told Bethany that I TOTALLY REGRETTED IT. She was in a really good mood or something because she forgave me for EVERYTHING, even tonight, before it even happens which is big. REALLY big.

I just hold my breath and hope for the best. As for now, Jessica is pretty silent tonight. Hasn't text me since earlier, I hope I was a good friend, I hope I was helpful and a loving, caring best friend, like I should be. I just want to help her in any way possible. If I could ever do anything for her, to help, I would do it! Without a doubt!! I am always going to be there for her. I promised her and this is a test of how much I care. She is probably sad and upset and in her room thinking about it all. I will always care, every second of every minute until I stop breathing.

As you can see, I care about my friends, I don't want jack-squat to happen to them. I want them to be happy. When that doesn't happen, I get upset as they do. I am a legit friend. There until you order me away. I mean that, I've gotten a lot of BS from people about Bethany, but the real blame goes on Bethany AND me. Mostly me for being dumb and allowing myself to think that I could love her and she'd be okay with it. That was a fantasy I wanted to believe SO BADLY, but it just didn't work out. Life throws you a life raft and when you don't swim towards it or accept it as a helpful life line, you screw yourself.

I should have known that Bethany didn't love me. I should have known that I loved the wrong person. I know, soon, I will love someone who will love me back. I can give my love to them and they will enjoy it, love it, love me, and return the love. I'm just going to wait.

Side note: Oh yeah!! I forgot to say something about Jessica. When I got that text in 1st hour, I was so distracted in 2nd hour, I pulled out an empty composition notebook and wrote, legit, nonstop about how I felt, not stopping, until I had 6 full pages of content. I was so upset and devastated, I couldn't stop writing about how I felt. I can't post it on here, so I had to let it out some how... That helped. Sorry I can't share it with you though.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Whatever happens, Lord be with me...

Well Since Sunday, I have had some time to talk to people, consider things, and had church today. Life is one hell of a crazy adventure. Maybe not adventure, journey, maybe? Whatever, it's stupid, nonetheless. I think I'm going to end up adding some cut glass and blood to my blogger banner.

No, I'm not emo. Shut up.

Side note: My friend MJames (I have to friends named James so I’m calling this one MJames) says that I am so emo because I’m always depressed. He thinks it’s kind of funny, but sort of pathetic at the same time. He has strong opinions. I don’t. Not sure how were friends, haha.

Ha, I'm too happy to be emo, if I’m not depressed that’s not even possible. Whatever. Monday. Next. Moving forward.

Michael picked me up at 8:30am ish to have breakfast. Look, I probably shouldn’t have gotten in the car, looking back, even though I felt better for a few hours. I do believe that Michael is a wiser man than I am and I hope that I will eventually be able to grow in Christ as he has. We had a very real, serious conversation.

I wish I could share with you what we talked about, but I can’t. I really, honestly, can’t share some parts of my day in life on here, even if I badly wish I could, but what I talked to Michael about was in confidence and between us only. Breakfast really helped though. I love food. Haha, just kidding, talking to Michael is what helped, breakfast was just there. I guess that’s what makes it “fellowship”, food. I don’t mind, I love food. Only I don’t usually eat if it’s awkward for me. I hate that. Hate when that happens, so much. I wish I wasn’t so socially inept. I can’t keep up a stupid conversation; we talk about one thing and BOOM! Silence, they drift off. I am such a bad conversationalist.

Back on topic, Breakfast with Michael was what I really needed, I thought, at the time. And looking back, right now, I still don’t regret it. I have to be held accountable for every action I make in life, both good and bad. Some things you just shouldn’t do. Some things you should. I don’t really know how to view breakfast. I don’t regret, but I regret other things (It sucks not being able to, point blank, tell you what I mean, I hate beating around the bush).

Love is…

There is no answer to that, for me, at least. I complicate all that crap. It’s not meant for me, I’m guessing. Jessica is the only supporter of my love life (Besides Heather and Tammy who both say they love me). Jessica is my best friend, my very best friend. I would do anything for her. I would die for her, she means that much to me. Dying scares me so much, I’m afraid of dying, even though I know God is on the other side waiting for me, but I would die to save Jessica, if that situation ever happened.

Jessica has been with me through so much these past months, losing Bethany many months ago, it seems, and starting to love her again the past few weeks (Yeah, I guess I can stop using metaphors, I’m sure she knows. And who cares if she finds out now, won’t change anything). I returned the favor by being there for her when she and Adam were having a few issues. Look, I love my best friend, I am never going to leave, and I promised Jessica I would never leave her. I would always be there when she needs me, and I intend to keep that promise, forever.

Jessica and Adam had some disagreement about something. I’m not getting to specific on here. But I want Adam and Jessica to be happy. I want them to trust each other and have that relationship that I envy. They’re always so happy when I see them together, so happy the other person is there. I want that. I want someone like that. That would make me happy. I know love would fall into place for me if that was there. I know Michael is right when he says I need someone who believes as I do. So pretty much everyone in my school is out of the picture, haha, sad isn’t it?

I just hope I find someone before I learn EVERYTHING about Illustrator and Photoshop for my Graphic Design because if that happens, this blog is turning into one depressing corner of the web. I will add broken glass, blood, spider webs, depression will peel from the electronic screen in front of you. Okay, it’s not going to be that bad, but I will use my skills to upgrade the site appeal. And don’t forget that my blog banner never lies. I will change it if I’m not depressed, by some miracle, one day. Until then, sorry kids, not going to happen. Complain all you want about my life being a big soap opera, I didn’t ask for this, but I’m living my life the best I can.

Anyway, Church was fine today. It was a little uncomfortable when Bethany arrived. I can’t tell you why because I respect Bethany enough. But Bethany was mad and I could tell it was geared at me. Thank God she couldn’t HapKiDo my ass right there at church. She probably would have. But I am probably not going to see Bethany until Wednesday night, but I might hear from her sooner. I have a gut feeling that I will hear from her either tomorrow night or Tuesday afternoon. I will be shocked if my gut feeling is wrong.

I hope this week turns out good. All I ever hope for is a successful week.

Friday, October 21, 2011

You may never believe this.

Bethany is complete butt head! I hate her guts and I hate her spy! I hope that she gets what she has coming!!!

Wait, what?!!

Yes, I am talking about Bethany, I had to wait an entire day to post this so I have had time to process this and yes, I am going to rant something I don't usually rant about, how much Bethany PISSED ME OFF and SUCKED UP the rest of my day (okay, maybe it is recurring)!

Look, Let's go back to Wednesday night. Church was good, I s'pose, considering it's still missionary month and all. Look, I am glad people are brave enough to do some of that stuff, going to other countries and all, but I would never do that. Seriously, I'm going to major in Graphic Design. I live in the middle of the United States!! That's going off topic though.

After the service, we had fellowship in the lobby area and there were finger foods and stuff. I chose not to eat anything, just didn't feel like I should be there, it would be weird, eating there food. I spent Wednesday night, after church, for about an hour, talking to myself as everyone else had fellowship, talked, and was happy.

I was mostly just watching Bethany as I talked to myself, considering it was her I was talking about. I was talking to myself about, in a metaphor, I had built a hut. A cute, happy, amazing hut. It was a hut in the middle of my life. I was happy to be there. It was mine. Everything I had was inside of that hut. It was everything I had. Everything. Bethany one day decided to put a few of her belongings in my hut, on a shelf somewhere in the hut, hence giving her partial control of the hut. Suddenly, I would try going to my hut only to find it GONE. It vanishes and doesn't exist and Its no longer in the ground.

I had spend many years putting things in my hut and knowing, or so I thought, that it was safe. But for something that was mine, it was certainly not acting like it. I decided to just wait. I would stand around and try to wait for my hut to return. It had my fridge, stove, microwave, etc... Everything that belongs in a hut (as if it were a "modern" hut). Sometimes, my hut would be where it was last seen and other times, it would vanish. I would tell myself that Bethany can not have control of my hut, it's mine. She has her own hut. But she was controlling both hers and mine.

I had been led to believe that she cared, at first, and that she was a wonderful person, but there are two sides to every coin. She has a bad side. A side you don't want to mess with. And she can use it.

Look, I don't want to make Bethany out as an evil villain here, that's not the point. If anything, I'm partially the blame. One, i have crappy metaphors. I mean, a controlled hut? C'mon, that's original... and Two, I'm the crazy moron who let it get this way. By being stupid. By allowing my emotions to be manipulated and easily controlled. Bethany is a very incredible person. She has her moments on both ends of the stick. Good, amazing, incredible... and bad (but mostly incredible).

I wanted to love Bethany, be her provider. Her protector. Love her. But after last night, I know it won't happen. Which brings us up to speed with yesterday.

Side note: Thursday was just me getting past the classes I had. I was ignored by some people, ahem, but that's alright, I freaked em' out and I don't blame them. I deserve the cold shoulder after the invisible drama that never existed but apparently was there.

So yesterday was an interesting day. School isn't worth mentioning because i had study hall and Tech Theatre as usual for block. But I can mention the fact that I had to work 3-7pm yesterday after school. Lexie was very kind and agreed to take me to work. We made a pit stop at my house because my phone died during 7th hour and I needed to charge it.

Work was fine up until Bethany friend Andrew started texting me. That dude should know when sharing to much is a bad thing.  He ended up telling me a lot more then I needed to hear, but I knew I'd find out anyway, but doses man, does of information are good.  I ended up finding out that Bethany has a 2nd cell phone and never told me. Never thought to text or call saying we could communicate more then twice a week. That was fun. I also found out that Bethany told Andrew every detail about what happened July 29th. Only she lied about half of it, making me look like a terrible person!

Look, she told me that we needed to keep that night between us. I agreed. She broke that by telling Andrew (who she's apparently known for 15 years, being since she was 4 years old, he says). I don't get why some people are good at being honest and some aren't. Bethany is a very honest person but I didn't see this coming.  She blind-sided me with this.

We had both moved on, I thought, but it's whatever. I won't let it affect me. Even though I was SO FREAKIN' out of my mind for awhile after finding all this AND some other unmentionables. I was texting Jessica and I was suicidal at work. Great combo. Thank God for Jessica though!! She kept me sane.

I was so out of my mind when I was figuring all this out. I haven't been suicidal in, what, 5 months? something like that. Anyway, I don't know what it was, but I just snapped! I couldn't take it anymore and I started throwing accusations at God and everyone! Look, I'm a nice guy, anyone can tell you that, but my secret pain is that I hold on to things when I should let go. I care too much for people. That's a, legit, weakness, if you can believe it.

Anyway, I am thankful that Jessica calmed me down. Also, hell scares the living crap out of me so I am so afraid of ending up there that, even when I'm suicidal, I'm mad at myself because I CAN'T do anything about it and I'm stuck feeling pissed off or depressed! Story of my life.

Anyway, Michael is picking me up at 8:30 tomorrow morning so I'm going to bed. He is taking me to breakfast and were going to talk. I think he's getting Bethany too because he said the three of us need to talk. That's just what I need. Trust me, if this is going to happen, I'm going to be heard and my voice will not be over-spoken. I will probably start an argument, but that's okay. I want happiness. I want Bethany and I to be friends again. No more stupid love crap!! I have to move on because she doesn't feel that way.

Side note: I also heard threw the grape vine today that Bethany has a boyfriend. Thank for telling me. What a day today has been. The last two days have been crap man, complete crap. I have to manage somehow, hold my crud together. I am a senior, I can't break down this late in HS.

Side note 2: Bethany Spy, aka "Andrew", is the reason for a lot of this. Rule of thumb to any readers out there. Don't have a friend found out stuff for you. it's just gonna piss that person off that your having them spy on. Do it yourself or don't bother. I got pissed and hated the feeling of being used. And you only hurt your relationship with that person when do you that.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Thanks for the heads up...

So this has been an interesting past few days, to say the least. My best friends are both not talking to me, for different reasons. One of my friends confessed to me that they loved me. Not to mention, my week has been a complete bust so far. Life is interesting, especially when you don't get warned.

So Jessica has become really sick and is so weak she can hardly get off the couch. She is going to miss school this entire week, until Friday. I feel completely awful because I can't be there to help her and I so desperately want to be there for her. We don't know what happened either. We were brainstorming what made her sick and it couldn't have been anything we thought of. I am just praying for a fast recovery because Jessica doesn't deserve this sickness after everything she's been through. It's just not right.

Also, Bethany is still without Cell service. She text me around 1pm last Thursday and that's the last I've heard from her, considering she said TWO WORDS to me at church on Sunday. I don't worry about it to much, I excuse her behavior. The world doesn't revolve around me, I know, and I know I avoid her at church, sometimes, as I've said this before, but when I do talk to her, it's like she would rather I keep avoiding her. I am terrible at reading some people and I can never tell what Bethany is "trying to say" by these actions.

I don't want to feel like a dope and ask her to spell it out for me, but I'm about ready to just tell her, strait up, at church, that she is being rude, again, a butt head, if I can say that, and I want an explanation. And if she says, "I've got a lot going on in my life..." or something, I'm going to ask again. Then again, she doesn't trust me at all, or anyone, apparently, except God or Michael (and Laura). She is such a hard person to read, I can't believe her sometimes. But that's my life.

So I was texting Heather last night (Bethany has a friend, Kathy. Heather is Kathy's cousin) and she told me that she liked me, as in loved me. I have known her for about, what, a month? and we've only text. We have been trying to find a time to meet on the weekends, but I'm working Fridays and Saturdays, and Sunday mornings I have church. I guess you could call it complicated.

What I think is complicated is the fact that she told me she loved me. I like her, as a friend right now. I told her that too. It's ironic. The person I love doesn't love me, I think. But everyone knows I love her but her AND there are two people I know that say they love me now. Two options. Two different people. Two people I only view as friends. I don't want to love them. I want to love... this one girl who makes my world brighter, every day. I just think about her and my day is a little better, even when I'm in some seriously deep crap.

I guess you can say that my life is what it is. Complicated. Dumb. Tragic. Not fair. I don't know if I want to tell her that I love her though, I'm afraid she'll get mad, reject me, tell me that we should only be acquaintances. I don't want that to happen. I'd rather be her friend and silently love her then not be her friend at all.

It more of a silent suffering anyway, because when you think about it, If I did tell her, she would just get mad and say that this isn't going to work, us being friends. She would blow this thing out of proportion and make it hard for us to communicate, past the awkwardness now.

I think I will just take it one day at a time, try not to be so socially awkward and talk to her. Let's hope and pray for the best...

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Overly confusing method of processing...

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I am not sure why. I have been thinking a lot about relationships. I want to tell you how hard it’s been for me. I want to tell you how much I have been thinking about this (Any not by my own choice)! I wish I could tell you, SO BAD, but I can’t…

If some people never read this blog, this wouldn’t be an issue! I could tell you how I’m feeling inside, how I want things to be, but I can’t. I just really, really want to though. It would cause more problems if I did tell you, so I will speak in a metaphor.

I know a girl, for this blogs purposes, without a name. We have known each other for awhile now and our friendship is pretty much where it’s at. At the length that she wants it. You see, she controls the relationship. I want to advance our relationship because I really and truly care about her, but she doesn’t want to. She keeps lying to herself and doesn’t see the chemistry we share. She doesn’t know how happy she makes me.

The song Cinema by Skrillex says it perfectly (paraphrased):

I could watch you for a lifetime
You’re my favorite movie
A thousand endings
You mean everything to me
I never know what’s comin’
Forever fascinated
Hope you don’t stop runnin’ to me
‘Cause I’ll always be waitin’

You are a cinema
I could watch you forever
Action, thriller
I could watch you forever
You are a cinema
A Hollywood treasure
Love you just the way you are

Stars spell out your name
Like in a science fiction drama
Romance growing
Like a flower in the summer
You always keep me guessin’
Forever my wonder

If you actually listen to the song, it has a funky fresh beat and that might catch you off guard, but I just really love the lyrics, it pretty much says how I feel. I could just be in the same room as her and it would make me happy. Just to see her smile makes me smile. To hear her laugh, her ridiculously corny laugh, makes me crack a smile and forever be amazed. She tries to get me to believe this lie that she doesn’t love me, but I can tell as much as she can that it’s all a hoax. She is delaying the obvious. I want to love her, but I can only go as far as she lets me.

I want to share some of the rules; I want to be there for her when she needs me. I want to comfort her when she’s sad, hold her when she feels like crying. I want her to fully trust me and know that I will never leave her. That when I say I’m there for her, I mean it.

She makes it hard to do this. I see her quite often too! It’s not like I see her every now and then. I am afraid to talk to her about it. I am afraid she’ll go back to the way it was before now. I’m afraid of taking a step back. Even though, it she agreed, which she won’t, it’ll be a step forward…

You see the crossroad I’m at? Man, this sucks. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should take a chance again or just keep us where we’re at. She probably wants to stay where we’re at. So that’s probably what I’ll end up doing anyway.

Wednesday night, I was talking to myself, loudly, and arguing, outside, which makes it better, and I was saying that if life were like the rules of poker, She would be a Royal Flush and I would be a 1-Pair. All I deserve is a 2-pair, if I’m lucky. I got the cards dealt and there’s no way I’m getting a Royal Flush… In the true words of some guy who figured out life, “Reality Bites”.

Story of my life, love either motivates or unmotivates you.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

New Haircut

New Haircut
I hope I don't look too socially awkward in this picture but I kind of do with that smile... Oh well. I forgot I had an awesome Mac computer to use in Graphic Design so I took my pic with the webcam on the computer.

A new approach on love

So i decided that I will up my game. Legit, I'm gonna find someone to love and they're going to love me too. I am going to take chances and be risky and your gonna see happiness portrayed on this blog. It will not be "livable, most of the time.", it's going to be livable, ALL OF THE TIME! Well, that's my goal...

I am pretty sure that I'm done with Bethany, Tiffany, and any other girl I tried with previously. Do I hold on to the hope that, maybe, one day Bethany will finally love me and we can be happy, sure, but I'm not going to bet on it, because I will probably end up losing that and it's a high risk game, love, in general, so I'm not holding onto one person... As for what I plan on doing with love, I'm not exactly sure, but I am going to start with my appearance.

I got a haircut last night (If I had internet at home, I would post this blog at home and have a picture for you, you'll just have to wait for my internet to get back on...) and I look really good! I like the way it turned out, deciding to grow it out and make it look better was a smart decision. I'm hoping the ladies notice me more and maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll get a few new phone numbers in the weeks following.

Haha, JUST KIDDING!! I don't plan on getting phone numbers, that's hilarious! The last thing I want is more drama. I can describe love to you, in detail, from how I felt for Bethany, and you would think I still loved her, and, honestly, part of me still does. When you truly love someone for the first time, you don't want to lose that feeling you get... I don't want to lose that feeling, which is why I've been so fixated on finding someone.

Honestly, I want Bethany. Ironic right? You always want what you can't have and that's my problem here. I don't want to make Bethany feel uncomfortable, because if she knew that I still wanted her, she would go all "LET'S PLAY IT SAFE!" and never hang out with me. I like hanging out with Bethany. She just doesn't want me to "falter" in my walk with God... or that's what I've been telling myself.

Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again, Bethany is a bad person, drop her as a friend, she's never been your friend, she led you on, she uses you because she knows you like her, she just likes your money, etc!! All those people need to shut up and let me live my life. Bethany is my best friend and I don't just ... stop being her friend, because nobody has even tried going a mile in my shoes, even considered things from my perspective.

The only thing that I don't believe from Bethany is when she said, "I never led you on." She did lead me on, in fact, that whole 5 weeks I waited for her, I assumed she loved me too and was just waiting on my faith to catch up and become a part of my life. Bethany won't be in a relationship with someone unless they are a Christian and put God first in their life. God is first in my life, nobody is before him, and she knows that, or should. I just think she's afraid of getting hurt or something.

Bethany has, in my opinion, trust issues. She is a great person to hang out with, but when it gets to the point in your friendship where you should be open and trust your friends, she just... doesn't. She told me that she doesn't have any best friends. She said that I can make her my best friend, but she won't make me hers. I understand and that's fine. I trust Bethany, I let her in, along with Jessica, and I like the advice I get, most of the time.

Bethany needs to know that if you share something with me in confidence to keep it between us, I will be loyal. I am going to keep that between us. There are things I have not shared on my blog, things that would change EVERYONE'S perspective on things between some of my friends. I am a loyal friend and I am a honest person. My integrity is my best attribute and you can always count on me to keep a secret. You can also trust me to be there for you if you have a bad day and just need to talk, need someone to vent with.

I am not just a guy looking for a girlfriend or some weird teen with a blog, I am a real person. I have my own set of issues, I'll admit that, just read my blog banner, but I don't let my problems get the best of me all the time.

Anyway, I am going to try to get a new wardrobe along with my hair and maybe start running after school. If I start running, expect new blog posts on my weight loss blog...

Monday, October 10, 2011

What should have been, wasn't.

What I expected to be a good weekend, turned out to be just, plain... interesting. Look, I don't like blogging about my "pathetic" life and cry "poor me" or "feel sorry for me" because people hate reading that stuff, they get mad that you complain about things and never act on finding a way to change your situation. The funny thing is, when I do try to fix things, I end up making it worse…

So I didn’t really do anything productive in Tech Theatre Friday because there wasn’t much to do, for one, and she still ignores me. That’s fine; it’s not meant to be if she hates me. Haha, I am a good person, but some people just miss out. Anyway, Friday was great, I got to work! I was stoked! I love working at the tree of lemons because it’s greatly awesome fun to help people enjoy yogurt (If I may say so, myself)!

I also worked Saturday night and that was even more exciting because I was the fruit man! I literally spent an hour or so on, both, Friday and Saturday night, cutting fruit. Strawberries, Kiwi, blackberries, and even a Mango! It was a popular item this weekend, I have never liked fruit on my yogurt, but to each there own, I don’t judge what you enjoy.

Side note: while closing Saturday night, we played some Skrillex and I found them surprisingly enjoyable. Fun Fact for the week.

Oh yeah! I forgot to mention, I got home from work Friday night around midnight and decided to get on the computer and check my Facebook updates, play a little Tetris Battle (Best app on Facebook, period) only to be surprised that the internet had been shut off.  OH WELL.

Turns out, you actually have to pay the bills, who knew. Haha, actually, my parents just couldn’t afford it so it was fine. I got paid conveniently when it got shut off so I’m gonna give them the money out of my paycheck, because I need to be able to blog from home (I’m currently blogging at school during Graphic Design or Advisory or breaks). It really doesn’t bother me, I am not used to having money anyway and this way my first paycheck—OH YEAH!!

It was my first paycheck so I wanted to spend it on awesomeness and have a blast with my friend(s) Jessica and/or Bethany, but Because Bethany was being … We’ll get to that. Well, may as well tell you now since I’ve brought it up (we’ll come back to this).

Sunday morning. Church. I attend every week, no excuses. But, after around 10 minutes, I wished I hadn’t gone (up until the end, kinda). Let me explain. Michael had a full car so, thankfully, my dad was able to take me to church. Only I came at 8:45am and not 8am like usual (because Michael always took me).

Well I went to the back room we meet in from 9 – 10am and was reading the morning bulletin while I waited. Well I was reading it when I heard someone walking down the hall, I didn’t look up until I heard a sigh and saw Bethany do a 180 and bolt the other direction, out of the room.

What did I do this time?!!!

I was confused, last I checked, we were fine, on the same page, and perfectly awesome as friends… except, she was ignoring me. The whole service and giving me weird looks, like she had a grudge against me for something…

I am done with drama. I don’t want drama. In fact, I was invited to Michaels house after church for a little pot roast and fun, but I passed because Bethany would be there and I didn’t want to “ruin her day”.

I don’t have that many people to talk to at church, just Bethany or the few who talk to me, but I feel comfortable enough now talking to Michael, Laura, Ed, Lloyd, or Amanda. They’re all so nice to me and I don’t mind talking to them. Well I told Amanda how I felt because she offered me a ride home from church and she listened. I didn’t really get much of an answer, which didn’t matter, I just wanted to tell someone else.

To make the story short (or paraphrased to a point), I text Bethany at around 3pm and asked her, point blank, “Why are you so mean and hurtful?” just to get a point across…

I won’t go through my phone and tell you every message back and forth because that’s not important. She pretty much told me that she’s not, I ignore her at church and do this to myself, She treats me like she treats everyone else, I cry to Jessica for every little issue in my life, and texting isn’t communication, face-to-face communication is…

I got a little peeved because this was over about 5 or 6 text messages (our longest conversation of the week is an argument, that’s just sad). I suggest us hanging out over the weekend but she had work. I then suggested that we hang out during the weekday after 4pm, because we should both be free, but she didn’t reply to me after that. So I guess she ended the conversation.

I was getting mixed signals and didn’t know how to react. All I know is that if she treated everyone else like she treated me, she would have a long list of people who hate her. Lucky for her, I’m very forgiving and I’ve been making excuses for why she is treating me like this. I don’t know how much longer I could have taken it if I hadn’t text her today. It solves a lot. Even though she said some hurtful, very hurtful things. I don’t complain to Jessica about every little issue in my life. That was uncalled for. She crossed the line with that comment.

I don’t get woman, I don’t get why they complicate your lives, why they make you look at them. Sure, I chose to love who I want, but if they looked like a hobo, would I have loved them, think about it, you can never know if you would or not.

I am not going to stress over it. I believe we resolved the issue because she texted me again later that night (after I text “hello”) for a casual conversation. It was fine.

My weekend was good. I love work, I just don’t get Bethany, she is a very complex puzzle.

Side note: I love my Prob and Stat math class, because I actually have conversationalists to converse with. It’s not like last year, where I formed my crush on Tiffany and was a socially awkward dude with a blog nobody knew about.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Let's try to stay calm, shall we?

Alright, I have an announcement and I don't know how long it can wait. I have to say 2 things:

  1. My dad is going to be home for 5 days
  2. Bethany is still not texting me (or anyone for all I know)!

It hasn't been bothering me that my dad was going to be home, since I thought it would be Thursday he would be here, but when I found out my dad would be here on Tuesday, change of plans, I didn't like it. I don't really like my dad being home a lot, only because he likes "talking" to my sister and me. I love my dad, more so since I got saved, but he is still a little more than I can handle at times... Also, he tries to hard to "care" about me and what's going on in my life. He is mad at Tommy for what he did to my room and said to me last week, but I finally let go and moved on Monday night. I decided I wouldn't hate Tommy anymore, just not like him. I don't want to go to hell because I couldn't let go of what he did (though I was more upset with my moms reaction to it all, but that's ANOTHER story that I don't feel like sharing).

My dad seems to think that getting A+ at this point is not worth it, he says I squandered my time in high school and now I have to work through college. So I have a 2.1 core GPA, BIG WHOOP! It's not like i tried, on purpose, to make high school so hard and difficult. I would like to see my dad attempt Algebra 2 or Geometry and pass with a B+ or better, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I feel like he's judging me a little to harshly because he's not relating to my side of the story. I honestly try to do my best, sure, I didn't try very hard my freshman year, but I did what I could.

I'm going to try to do my best this year, being my last year of high school, I'm going to excel in my classes and strive to do my best, though I can probably still get through college with a scholarship or grant(s). It's not all or nothing with A+, which is good! I want to pay the least amount possible. My graphic design teacher said I could possibly get a graphic design scholarship if my portfolio is good enough (he was talking to my entire class). I am hoping I can put together a portfolio that is worthy of a scholarship because I already know where I'm going to get my associates and bachelors degree's. The best part is, I'll be doing it with my best friend, Jessica!

Side note: Yes, you may think she is influencing my decision to go to college with her and not go to the college that is best for me, but in actuality, The university of Northwest is actually really awesome! I know that I will get the tools I need to be successful in life, plus graphic design is such a broad career field, I will be able to get a job almost anywhere! Sure, once I have my bachelors degree, I might need some help finding out who is hiring, but I am going to have a career, not a job. I want a career that is right for me (and hopefully close to friends and family).

Secondly, it is going on 5 days that Bethany hasn't text me. I feel as though it's not something personal, that she is ignoring me, and that she is, in her mind, trying to "teach me a lesson". Though I'm not sure what she would think of this... It's her opinion against mine. But when she does text me, she's overly excited about life, like it's actually worth living or something. I don't get it. Sure, life is worth living, most of the time, but ALL THE TIME? No, can't say I feel that way.

I am just going to "whatever" it and move on. If she texts me, great. If she texts me longer then 10 minutes or 5 texts, that's going to be FANTASTIC! But I'm not getting my hopes up. I will pray about it and let God solve this problem, if it is, in fact, a problem...

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Longest week of consistancy in awhile!

So strangely enough, I haven't had a reason to blog recently because nothing, really big, negative or positive, has happened. I don't understand it, but I don't mind, I like it when nothing happens. Most of the time.

So before I blog about anything, I wanted to explain the banner. Yes, I know I have changed it, did it myself, using Adobe Illustrator CS5 and Adobe Photoshop CS5. I combined what I know and made the new banner. Sure, "Life is livable. Most of the time.", may not give the best image in your mind, but at least I'm honest, right?

Let's be honest, I am not living life to the fullest. As far as you know, I am depressed and need a real therapist, but actually, I can have fun. Really, I can. I know how to smile and have a good time when I'm around my friends. In fact, that's when I'm mostly happy. When I'm alone, that, my friend, is another story...

I hate being alone now days, unless I am REALLY motivated and I'm working on my novel, then I HAVE TO BE ALONE or I can't work on my novel, I won't be able to focus. I am actual STILL on chapter 6 of my novel right now, I haven't been in a really motivated mood recently so I haven't been able to work on the novel. Writing has some INCREDIBLE plus's but the negatives of writing are few, but BIG. If your not motivated, you just... CAN'T WRITE. That's pretty much my only fault now, the motivation.

ANYWAY, so I haven't text Bethany for, going on today, four days. She has sent me the equivalent of 1 hour of regular texting in the last 4 days. Something is going on and I am not sure what it is. My best guess is one of two things:

  1. She has something personal going on and just can't text me or anyone else (or just me, I honestly don't know). 
  2. She is ignoring me because she is mad at me for something she refuses to talk about.

So whatever it is, I hope it resolves itself and she talks to me. I miss texting my best friend. Not to mention a lot of my life has been going downhill BECAUSE OF MY BLOG. I promised her I wouldn't blog about her anymore, but if she had never read my blog, this wouldn't be so awkward and hard. We would have had a decent chance at being friends. Now she doesn't want to look at me and ignores me even more than before. OH WELL!

Wait, this is about Bethany.

I don't want to be rude when I say this but, I want my best friend back. I want to actually text her for more then 3 minutes! Our last text messages were not the happiest. Let's just leave it at that. She is confusing me, again. I prayed about it last night and I just hope it all works out like it's supposed to...

Also, High school can be a pain in the butt if you wait until the last minute to do something productive.