Thursday, September 29, 2011

No shared feelings.

Well isn't it awkward when a girl finds out you like her from her friend who found out through a blog coming from a guy they hardly know? That could make things a little uncomfortable...

Yes, pretty much you know about Tiffany finding out. I talked to her today, for 3 minutes, literally before the bell rang, and she... doesn't feel the same. That's all there is to it. I told her I would stop blogging about her and we would move on. This is the last time you will hear me talking about Tiffany. Legit, I told her I wouldn't blog about her anymore and after this, I'm keeping my word.

She was nice about it though so don't worry about my earlier assumptions. She isn't as horrible as I thought, that was a lapse in judgement. I do that a lot, sorry...

Side note: I got called into the counselor's office because the counselor "found my blog" online. She, one, asked about Tiffany. I got interrogated about that, which was  fun. And, second, the counselor read some of my posts and said she thinks I am depressed. She asked if i was and, honestly, I said that I was. All the time. And I don't care that she knows.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The rest of the start of the week.

So I was so upset about Tiffany totally rejecting me, that I forgot to mention the start to my week. Sorry about that, I'm glad this is called, "Random videos and rants", because you wouldn't understand this blog otherwise. To start off, Bethany says my blog is one extreme to the other. One minute it's really depressing and sad, talking about my "terrible life" and what-not or it's really "Happy go-lucky", as she puts it. I am sorry I can't be happy. I try, really, but my life is the way it is and I'm just trying to do my part while I can.

Well let's start with Sunday night (going back 4 days). I went to church as I always do and that was great, I love going to church, I never miss a week (the "almost-camping-trip" my only week missed up to now, I think). I went home and just took it easy, I can't remember that far back but I know that when my mom got home, we were getting ready to go see, Abduction, which was playing at the movies. I randomly text Bethany to see what she was doing at 4:40pm that day and, surprisingly, she wasn't doing anything. I had actually thought that she would say she was doing something so we didn't hang out, silly me, right? Haha, well she agreed to go to the movies with us and that was really awesome!

Side note: This was the first time we've hung out, outside of church, since... 'us' never happened.

Well we really enjoyed the movie, and the fact that we were the ONLY people going to see the movie in that time slot. I haven't seen a movie in an empty theatre room since i saw, Hanna, with Lexie and my sister. We casually chatted during the movie and had a good time. Being Bethany, I found this funny, she made my mom sit between us at the movies.

Side note: My sister and Tommy were going to go with us, but then Carolyn and Lewis showed up AS WE WERE LEAVING and they bailed. I could tell by the look on Hannah's face she wanted to see the movie, but she also wanted to be with Tommy so she bailed because Tommy didn't want to go to the movie with us.

Anyway, We had a good time. That's all that mattered. When we were done, my mom and Bethany were talking and my mom told Bethany she hasn't gotten to watch, Something Borrowed, her favorite 'chick flick', with another girl yet. She has only seen it with me. I saw it twice with her, but my mom has seen this movie, literally, half a dozen times.

Bethany agreed to come over and watch the movie with my mom so we went back to my house. The movie was great, we had a good time, but this is getting drawn out, I'm being to lengthy with my explications. Around 9pm, Bethany had to leave, so she decided to borrow the DVD, along with our copy of New Moon and Eclipse. She is returning them tonight so that's good. My mom has been spazzing out, legit, because she hasn't seen Something borrowed in so long. HA! How can you love a movie that much?

Anyway, that was fun. I enjoyed Sunday. That is SO the highlight of my week as of this point. Let's move to Monday night...

I had just gotten home from work. I had worked a split shift, 5 - 7pm. I come home from work and look up the stairs, since my sister and her buddies weren't in the living room. I hear them upstairs, but I notice that my bedroom light is on. Oh great....

I walk half way up the stairs and see my room empty. I yell up the stairs, "Why is my bedroom light on?" and I get a reply from Carolyn saying that she had to go in there, sorry. I assume, this is what I'm thinking, that it was for Tommy, because Carolyn never goes in my room, she has no reason to. I simply reply, "Okay, just make sure Tommy stays out of my room."

Behind the door, I hear Tommy yell, "Oh my F***ing God!" and then I hear him storming out of my sisters room. And as I'm downstairs, I see him go into my room, yelling, "I'm in your room, what are you going to do about it?" over and over again. I calmly walk upstairs and get half way, to where i can see my room, Tommy standing in my room, looking pissed. I ask to to, "Please get out of my room." and he storms out of my room as I'm walking up the stairs, the rest of the way.

As I reach the top of the stairs, not fully up stairs yet, he walks up to me and begins SCREAMING in my face, cussing me out and I honestly don't know what he was trying to accomplish by doing this. I calmly stood at the top of the stairs and listened to him. As he was screaming at me, he walked into my sisters room and pulled out a "multi purpose tool" which i call a knife. He pulled the knife out and walked over to me. He then proceeded to put it to his wrist and scream at me, "Do you want to cut me, is that what you want?!!! DO IT THEN, CUT ME!!!" and he began cutting at his arm with the knife. He was bleeding, in front of me, small cut, and I told to calm down and back up slowly.

At this point, my sister was telling him to calm down and go back to her room. He started going back to my sisters room and, stupid me, told him, "That's right, listen to your girlfriend." That pissed him off again and he started walking to me again, but my sister stopped him, again, and they went to my sisters room and I walked downstairs. I was eating my taquitos from QT (Quick Trip; a gas station down the street) and Tommy comes downstairs (a few minutes later) with my sister and he argues with Hannah for a few seconds before walking out of the house and just walks away.

Carolyn comes down the stairs half way and tells me, "Zach,  your being an ass." and I reply, "I really don't care right now..." and it just spiraled downhill from there because everyone blamed me for the whole thing. It was whatever because after about a half hour, Tommy returned home and apologized for everything, said I reminded him of his uncle or something and he "wasn't himself". I just accepted it so he would be fine. I honestly don't trust Tommy anymore. He lost my trust and he has to earn it back. He went nuts on me twice in one week. Don't blame me for your actions. We all chose to react the way we want.

That pretty much ruined Monday night, but it's whatever...

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

My pathetic life gets worse.

Do you ever feel like your invisible? Like you live each day, unknown by others. You’re just the face filling a hallway or classroom. You’re not really there to learn anything or making something with your life, you just filling up a desk or space. Life is complete bull crap, because there are ways you can live like this. There is a way to, somehow, go unseen or recognized.

So I was going to post about Bethany coming over on Sunday night, but this blog has taken a new direction. No longer, will this post be happy or cheerful (Not like it ever is anyway, right?), but I may as well thrown in a little crazy suicidal rantings with the depression, right? Yes, that seems fitting.

So I was in Tech Theatre today and we had a free day, could do whatever, because there were people working on the lights and we couldn’t work on the stage. Well I decide to draw a penguin for my friend Melita (who I call Melinda) because she asked, she’s doing some “wall of random” or something.

Side note: I have never blogged about her because it’s never been important and I don’t feel like explaining it now, I’ve known her for about a month now, all you need to know.

Well I was talking to Lexie today and we were casually talking and stuff when the bell rang, we had been talking all hour. During the break Tiffany confronted me.

Side note: (Notice how I didn’t say, ‘talked to me’)

She told me that she had heard things from her friends and they had read my blog. She said she had to read my blog to clarify, so it wasn’t a rumor. She told me, without saying anything else, “please don’t blog about me”.

How am I supposed to react to that? “Yeah, no problem, I never liked you, I can do that.”??? Then she acted like it was all fine and went out during the break. When she came in I asked her if we could talk and she said, “Yeah, one second.” And went to finish her paper, for another class, I’m guessing. After she was done, she went over to her group (using the last 5 minutes of class) and ignored me, knowing I wouldn’t confront her.

I NEED ANSWERS!!! Obviously she hates me now for getting the idea of liking her. Maybe she just thinks, “Oh my God, it’s Zach were talking about, ewww!!” and yeah, that can be her opinion, but now that we’ve talked, Tiffany practically tell me I’m ugly, no chance, get lost you creep, I am going to talk to her on Thursday. I don’t care if I ruin her ‘social status’, she ignored me and now I want answers.

I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think this would even work. She had a point, without even saying it. I am ME. Nobody is capable of liking me, so how could anyone love me? She is totally repelled and disgusted at the thought of every being seen with me. I am a gross low life who she would never be caught dead hanging out with. I get it. I agree. I don’t even want to hang out with myself.

Apparently I’m a bad person. Bethany says I let this go on for too long and Jessica just didn’t know what to say. I think Jessica is as disappointed with this as I am. She knows how much I invest into things and how much I care and she knows me, as a person, more than anyone.

Bethany thinks I need to talk to a professional counselor instead of Jessica and her, she says I want everyone to solve my issues for me, but I don’t. I don’t need professional help, especially from the school; I’m done trusting the school system. I am going to confront Tiffany on Thursday, tell her friend she sits with to leave, and talk to Tiffany for maybe 10 minutes. I don’t care if she gives me an excuse with homework, etc… we are talking. We are not going to stop talking until were both on the same level. And whoever told her that I blogged about her, because they read this blog, and told her, they need to know that because of them, I was hurt today. Tiffany didn’t even have to try. It was like a knife went into my heart and the words she told me twisted it harder as it pushed further into my chest.

Now I’m in a depressive state of mine and I can’t stop thinking about why Tiffany never noticed me, how could she have NOT known? Yes, I had a crush on her, that was it. No need to come across as though I was stalking you, because I WASN’T! I only see her in class, I get the chance to talk to her and I never take it, because she is beautiful and I am not.

Look, Tiffany will probably be reading this to see if I actually stopped blogging about her and I promise, you won’t hear about Tiffany again (like with Clarissa, small one sentence mentions every now and then), but if she had just talked to me the last 10 minutes of class and NOT avoided me, this would be the last post. Now I have to physically go get the answers myself, not like there are any secrets now.

This really sucks; it’s not how I imagined things going. I pictured Tiffany as a nice person, but this has skewed to a new picture, where she was telling me things about myself I would have never guessed to come from her. It wouldn’t affect me if it was some punk I don’t even know, but this is Tiffany. She read my blog, how much, I don’t know, but enough to know that I had a crush on her and was too afraid to talk to her. She tried her method, now I’m trying mine…

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Overly confusing method of thinking...

I really don’t like my life recently; I really haven’t been enjoying things. Sure, God is on my team, he loves me and cares about me and, crazy as it seems, I know, for a fact, that my dad loves me. He cares about me and wants me to be happy. As for the rest of the people in my life, my friend’s aside, I really believe that they don’t give a crap about me.

So I came home from work Thursday night (I posted the previous post before I went to work) and was totally happy, I worked until 7 ish and when I got home, I was eating my free yogurt and sharing with my mom, of course. Well it was a few hours before I got home but when I did, I went upstairs to change my clothes.

I walked into my room, expecting to see my room the way I left it, what I walked into was a war zone. My room had been completely trashed. My spare bed (the one with the box spring) was flipped over, the spare mattress was in the middle of the floor, papers were all over the floor, and blood was all over my wall and sheets. I was freakin’ pissed!

My mom heard me upstairs, screaming at what Tommy had done, and was like “Oh sorry, I forgot to prepare you for that, Tommy was in your room” (I don’t remember exactly so I’m trying to restate best I can)…

My mom came upstairs and told me that Tommy came into the house while we were not home and wanted to “surprise” my sister (what a dumb boyfriend), but says the cat attacked him when he came in the house. He apparently ran up the stairs, the cat attached to him and clawing him to death, to my room. WHY DID HE EVEN GO IN MY ROOM? I am not his girlfriend, I am not even his friend, at this point.

He said he was trying to defend himself. I don’t buy it for a second. The blood looks staged. All of it looks staged. It looks like he took his boney ass finger and put the blood on the wall himself. It’s all fake, his story has holes, my mom says, and nobody buys it, except my sister, who is stupid for even dating this loser.

I liked Tommy a week ago, as of now, no chance in hell of me liking him, ever again. He had no reason to go in my room. In fact, I know the real reason why he went in my room and I will tell you: Tommy hates my cat, ever since Tiger (my cat’s name) started hissing at him while he was around; he formed a grudge against my cat. He came to my house and BROKE IN (if we’re not home and you come in MY HOUSE, its trespassing) to get revenge on my cat. He flipped my bed, LOOKING for my cat. There is no reason to flip a bed if “she is attached to you and clawing you”, you would be too distracted.

He hates my cat with such a passion; he wanted to physically harm my cat. He knew nobody believed his first story (apparently, the cats attacked him twice now), so he wanted to make this look real. He took his own blood and smeared it on MY WALL with is finger. Why he put blood on my sheets, I don’t know, but he crossed a line this time.

And my mom just told me to “calm down” when I got mad about it. HOW DARE SHE!! If it were her room and her stuff, she would have been pissed!! He not only broke into our house, but vandalized my room! My mom should press charges on Tommy because he is 18 years old, but my mom is too busy trying to be everyone’s friend that she won’t do it. This is absolute bull crap and she knows it!

I will just end with this, the next time I see Tommy, and we are having words. I am getting in his face and, hopefully, scaring the crap out of him. I am going to scream in his face, telling him that if he ever looks at my cat again, I will personally take it as though he threw a knife at her and I will be all over him. As for my room, he is no longer allowed to even walk in the hallway leading to my room. He is banned from anything concerning my life, from now on. We are no longer friends, I no longer like him, and he needs to move on.

As for the rest of my weekend, I didn’t talk to Tiffany in Tech Theatre, as I said I wouldn’t. I am giving up on love. I told Jessica I was done with trying. I thought I loved Clarissa, WRONG! I knew I loved Bethany, but she didn’t feel the same. And now I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I am not willing to take a risk. The amount of love someone would have to have for me is too much to ever ask. Tiffany would never love me as much as I would love her, so there is truly no point in even being friends. I don’t want to go into a friendship with too much hope of growth.

The fact that Tiffany doesn’t even know any of this makes it worse. You can never, truly love someone until your friends and see progression. Even then, they may not feel the same. Tiffany is an active, fun, happy person. She has active, fun, happy friends. I am the complete opposite. I’m the depressed kid in the corner of class you would pick out to commode suicide or shoot up the school. I’m not the guy you pick for homecoming king, pick as popular, or even a happy person.

Do you know what I found out this week at school? My core GPA is 2.1, I don’t qualify for A+ (A program to help pay for college), and I didn’t think to realize this would happen until… well, this week. If I had cared in 9th grade, knew what was coming up, what would happen if I took the slippery slope down this road, I would have tried harder. In 9th grade, I wasn’t concerned with anything educational. I didn’t try too hard and I said I did my best. In 10th grade, likewise, just a new building. Last year, my junior year, I had so many issues, I gave up. I gave up on life, trying, or even caring. In a result, I failed a class. Now I’m in my last year of high school, practically screwed, and I can’t fix it. It’s my fault. 2.1 GPA? That’s pathetic.

Tiffany would never want a damaged, hurt guy like me. There are too many pieces, some of which are chipped and unfixable. I need to know why God made me so damaged.

I had to work last night to boot! I had a great B Day for a Friday, including Tech Theatre. I always talk to Lexie and she’s great. Lexie says I should talk to Tiffany and I was like, NO. She then proceeded to ask if she should talk to her. UMMM, NO! I am not going to have my friend talk to her. Unless it would be casual and Tiffany doesn’t read into it. Trust me, Tiffany is a smart girl, she has caught me staring at her. She would read past this whole thing. I will just go back to my old motto, “let come what may.”

Wait, wasn’t I talking about work?

I went to work last night and worked from 7pm to closing, which ended up being around midnight. So I got paid to work 5 hours, plus we got pretty great tips!  I worked with Josh, who is pretty cool. I didn’t work register so I did my best to keep the place lookin’ snazzy. After work I came home and tried to work on my novel as part of my ’40 day writer’s challenge’.

Side note: I made a challenge up while texting Jessica on Wed night, the ’40 day writers challenge’.  Jessica and I loved the idea because we need a reason to write everyday and we haven’t been able to find time. So we brainstormed and I came up with this and she loved it! The 40 days ends on November 1st, which, thanks to Bethany informing me, is National Novel Writing Month.

Anyway, I didn’t work for long; I spend an hour on facebook, then an hour working. Around 2am, I crashed and couldn’t work anymore.

I woke up today and felt really lazy, other than going to buy doughnuts for breakfast. I spent the day watching TV and I got on the computer around 2pm to post a blog.

Side note: It takes me around 2 hours, sometimes longer, to post a blog. So that shows the dedication I have towards my blog.

Around 2 o’clock today, I was getting depressed because I turned off the TV (before I turned on the computer) and was thinking. I was thinking about why everything is happening to me, this way. I was talking to Bethany about God and that stuff and talking to Jessica about my love life and the way it’s managed to get me to the point where I’m to damaged to talk to another girl.

Bethany first, I asked her if I was the weakest link. She replied, asking why I would even ask that. I said, “Because the bad stuff happens to me. My life has been trashed. I am a dying animal on the side of the road.” Bethany said that Satan is trying to take advantage of me because he knows I’m still weak. I know what it’s like to be free and he doesn’t. She said Satan is jealous of me.

I laughed, pretty much saying, “Ahahaha! Jealous!! Ahahahahaha!!!!! Of mee??? Nooo, you got the wrong dude… Nobody is jealous of ME!!.... Nobody is Jealous of me. For a reason.” She just reassured me that my worldly life may be trashed, but my spiritual life is so far beyond so many others, saying, “You may not realize it, they may not either, but they are jealous of what you have. They want it but don’t know how to get it.”

All I said was, “It wasn’t that hard, God wants to be your friend, to live in your heart, all you have to do is ask, and mean it. He just wants to help everyone; you just have to be willing to ask. She replied 10 minutes later, saying, “Read the last part of that sentence to yourself.”

BOOM! “He just wants to help everyone; you just have to be willing to ask.”

That hit me like a 20 pound weight in the chest. I was shocked. Completely dumbfounded. I just gave myself wisdom without even reading the words. When I stopped and looked at what I had just said, it hit me. God wants to help everyone, you just have to ask. Ask and you will receive, right? That’s biblical truth.

The funny thing is this took two spins, me asking, “Am I the weakest link?” While I was talking about this to Bethany, I was texting Jessica about my love life.

Jessica’s turn, I actually didn’t text her about “am I the weakest link” until around 2:30, but I wanted her opinion too!

Side note: Remember, I am texting Jessica about this as I am talking about this right as Bethany tells me Satan is jealous of me and I laugh at that.

Anyway, I asked if I was the weakest link and she replied, “NO!” I said I didn’t agree with that anymore and she asked why. You never ask ME why I think something, unless your willing to help me through it and care enough, truly care. I said, again, “Because the bad stuff happens to me… I am a dying animal on the side of the road. Nothing. Anymore.”

Side note: Yes, I resent that message from Bethany to Jessica, but I changed the ending. I want her opinion too, because I weight the options, then I form my opinion.

Jessica said, “Zak you’re something important. Don’t think for a minute that others peoples actions define who you are. Remember that I am depressed during this. I replied, “I am nothing Jessica. Face it, there’s no other way to persuade me. Bad things happen to me because I attract bad things. How the hell I got you or Bethany, I don’t know…” We kept talking and I said, “…I am not saying I’m like the people around me, just that I attract bad things. And I can’t take it. I thought it would all go away when I got saved, but it seems like it happens more or something… I hate it. I hate this. I feel like crap ALL THE TIME!! I felt depressed when you and Adam were here last week, case in point!!!!”

She was kind and replied, “Cause your lonely, Zak God gives us trials even when we are saved. It’s called life.”

Side note: I don’t believe in “life” happening. God doesn’t use “life” to do things. God uses situations and people, but “life” has nothing to do with it, in my opinion, but I get what Jessica means by this, so I don’t change topic.

I replied, “Mehhh!!!! I want it to stop! I want it all to stop!!!!!!! I can’t breathe, I can’t keep up!!!! I WANT OUT!!!” She asked, “Of what” and I said, “Out of everything Jessica, I want to go back to 9th grade so I could redo everything!! I would make my life better, I would know what to fix”. I think I confused her, because she asked, “What” and I just said, “ Never mind Jessica, I should just sit here alone, in my thoughts, and think. Think about what to do.”

She said, “Well im always here for you ok. You’re my best friend.”

Wow. I am someone’s best friend? Hearing that, and knowing it was true, meant so much to me. Hearing that confirmed everything I ever thought about Jessica, is the reason why I care about her so much, and is proof that God does bless people. He is watching us all and cares. You may not see the blessings in your life, but sometimes they aren’t as obvious as others. You have to open your eyes, truly open them.

I replied, “…Jessica, ummm, do you feel like everything happens for a reason, both small and big things?” and she said yes (this is where my love life came into play). I said (and this was a LONG text message), “So since you know about my love life… how come God made me love Bethany? I kept telling myself it was so I could get saved, but I figure I would have gotten saved anyway, it just might have taken longer. I wonder why I’m always obsessed with love. Why do I care so much? I keep saying I’m done, but I can’t even stop thinking about Tiffany.

I want to be single, I don’t want anyone, really, but I keep thinking about why all this happened… If it’s too early for love, like everyone tells me, why did this happen!! If everything happens for a reason, what is this leading too????” She replied, “Something great. These are stepping stones till you reach your destination.”
“These are freakin’ terrible stones!!!” I said, “They hurt me, all of them. And I’m sure Tiffany will too if I talk to her. I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I don’t want to feel that pain again; I’m not strong enough Jessica. I can’t… Do that.”

Jessica said, “Every time you fall you have to stand and try again. And there are angels everywhere holding out a hand to help you back up on your feet.”  I replied saying, “I can’t, get up. I can’t just keep getting hurt. I can’t stand up and face another rejection. Another person who doesn’t love me. There are a lot of people who care about me, I know. But if I can’t do this alone, why does that say about me? Love is my choice, and I’m not sure that I can do this again.

Jessica, still calm during all this, says, “Zak if you stop trying how will you ever know if there is a someone out there that loves you.” And I said, “Because I have too many faults right now, that’s why. Everything inside me is damaged. That would take some strong love to accept. Not to mention, my physical appearance isn’t all that great either…”

Apparently I sounded a lot like Adam, her boyfriend, when she got ahold of him. She wanted me to talk to Adam, because she felt like it would help me. Trust me, it didn’t. Talking to Adam only made it worse. Adam didn’t know the whole story and called me selfish, that I was being a quitter and shouldn’t let one girl affect my love life.

It has gone way beyond Tiffany. Remember when it was all about Bethany? We have moved on. My blog is proof. So my opinion is that, if you don’t know the whole story, you can’t help. He didn’t help.

It was around 4:35 today when Jessica text me again saying that she was sorry. That she felt like a bad friend and she didn’t know it would make things worse (because I text her saying it made me mad and it didn’t help and I wasn’t texting him again). I told her she was fine. She is a good friend because she cares about me, I honestly appreciated the gesture, she cared enough to try to help me.

Well The fact that my Saturday went nothing like I planned sucked, here it is almost 6pm and I managed to spend my day in depression, doing nothing productive. I still need to clean my room, hoping it doesn’t get trashed again. I am washing my sheets to try to prevent getting some disease from Tommy, but I had to sleep on them last night because I came home late and I was really tired.

I’m glad I have my friends. Jessica, who cares about me and Bethany, who is wiser then I. Satan is really trying to bring me down and without the help of my two best friends, he might of actually succeeded. Thank GOD that I worked through it. Every time I’m upset or depressed and I text them, they make it better, help me through the problem, and truly care. Jessica said I am her best friend, which meant so much to me, so much more than any gift could prove. You know when someone is teasing, joking, or being serious, when it’s your friend. For Jessica to tell me that I was her best friend, that made me want to cry. I was so happy; I had a reason to keep going, because if I stopped now, it would be disappointing.

I think I am going to enjoy church a little more tomorrow then I usually would, because I have a reason to be happy now. I have some answers, some new motivation. As Bethany said, why can’t I can’t find a happy medium. Between depressive and overly happy. I feel as though I can, at times, but you can’t control what happens. Or the random thoughts that pop into your brain… Mehhh… Regardless, I think I will try being happy medium, try to be in the middle. My life may have a million reasons to bring me down, but with God, all things are possible.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

No signs, shame.

Alright, so I know what you want to hear.. Did I solve the issue with Bethany? Am I still worried about being single? All this and more are soon to be answered, though I'm not sure how you'll agree with things...

Bethany, my best friend, such a nice, caring, loving, wonderfully talented, stylish woman, right? Yes. Maybe you don't agree since she led me on, but she really is an awesome person (and we've both moved away from the past). I actually challenge you, yes, my reader, to talk to Bethany sometime if you see her. She is an amazing friend, advice-giver, and all-around person.

No, you don't want to? your loss dude. I just feel as though you could be making a really good friend... Mehh, enough advertisement! I need to move onto a new topic, the next topic (from my last post to update), my feeling about being alone.

I have decided that talking to Tiffany is no big deal. I will give her the signs if she won't give me any. I want to find someone, yes, but everyone keeps telling me, "I'm only in high school... I have plenty of time." I really don't mind being alone when I'm away from happy couples, like Jessica and Adam. I just don't want to feel like I'm alone. I am hoping that life will grant me someone soon enough, but I won't keep complaining.

As for why I haven't posted a blog since Sunday. My bad, I didn't realize how much of my time had been taken away from me and how quickly the week went by. It has been complete madness!

I just forgot what I was going to say.... Dang it. I should start taking notes.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Was depression... My idea? (Clarifying)

Okay, that earlier post was... WOW! I don't even know. I need to clarify a few things. I will start with Bethany...

Okay, so I mentioned how we weren't texting right now or I wasn't texting her. Well I am going to text her tomorrow. I am going to solve the problem. I will tell her I was just taking a precaution, that I was giving her some space. No, girls don't like it when you give them "space" unless they ask, right? I don't know. I think I need to complicate things so it gives me something to think about or do.... Perhaps if I kept things simple, things wouldn't be so complex.

So it's settled then, I will text her tomorrow, because I doubt she'll text me tonight.

Next topic of discussion, I need to clarify that I don't care if I'm single. I was spazzing out, but now that Jessica and Adam aren't cuddling and Carolyn isn't kissing Lewis (I have been spelling his name wrong this whole time, whoops...), I can think a little better and when I don't have the cutest couple in the world around me (Jessica and Adam, duh!), I know that I will find someone. They are like a level 100 couple and I feel like a level 1 noob who can't even land a friendship... So I was freaking out over nothing.

I know I will find someone, when time permits. I don't question anything. MAYBE THE PROBLEM is that I, YES ME, am not waiting for God to bless me. I need to wait and allow him to, with time, bless me with the person best suited for me. I don't think that's Tiffany anyway, because it would surprise me if it was. I need to be patient. High school is to early for a relationship, seriously, for me at least. I need to calm the heck down.

And this weekend was awesome, I posted in the middle of the day, so I never got to say what happened with the rest of the day. We ended up going to the movies, just Jessica, Adam, and myself (the rest stayed home). We went and saw Kung Fu Panda 2. It was great, we then chilled at home because the mini golf place we were going to was flooded. We did, however, end up tossing a Frisbee around for fun.

I rocked, Jessica didn't. Tehehe, I had to say that (I love teasing Jessica).

Was depression... My idea?

This weekend has been good. No, it has been great! Well up until my brain became freakin' retarded! I hate myself so much, I want to grab a knife and stab my brain (not in a suicidal fashion, just as far as thinking process). I think I need to explain...

Friday night was a half day at school. My friend Jessica and her boyfriend, Adam, got out at 10:30am and I got out at 12:50pm. We had a few delivery issues and ended up getting her around 5pm instead of the planned 4pm. But we hung out Friday night, watched a movie (Secret Window) and took it easy.

Saturday was great too. We ended up having breakfast burritos for breakfast (duh!) and, I swear, Lewis, Carolyn's boyfriend, makes the best food in the world! It was freakin' incredible. Anyway, we ended up going bowling later and playing some billiards after that. I was terrible at bowling, didn't even break 100 and billiards proved how rusty I was. Oh well.

Saturday night, we ended up watching half of Happy Feet before going downstairs for the best pizza on the planet. Lewis made pepperoni pizzas from scratch and they were the best tasking pizzas I have had in my life. I absolutely loved them. We went back to my room to finish Happy Feet and watched another 20 or 30 minutes before Jessica decided she was to tired to watch the rest tonight. We turned off the movie and went to bed.

About 10 minutes later, Jessica got up and walked downstairs, Adam following. I don't know what was going on, but they were down there for 2 hours, talking, I guess. I didn't want to ease drop or be a rude friend so I didn't question anything. I couldn't really sleep last night, which is why I laid in my bed and just stared at the ceiling, thinking.

Speaking of Saturday, I skipped something (whoops). on the way home from the bowling alley, we stopped to see some puppies in the Perkins parking lot. While we were there, I stayed in the car and everyone else got out (being Carolyn, Tommy, Lewis, Hannah, Jessica, and Adam).

This is why I hate my brain: I started watching Jessica and Adam. I also watched Lewis and Carolyn. They were so happy. I don't really like talking about relationships unless it's Jessica's (sorry Carolyn and Lewis). Jessica and Adam are so truly in love, that it gets me tot he point of being love sick. I miss love. I want love back when I watch them.

This may have been an awesome weekend for them, being together, but for me, it started awesome and turned into absolute torture. They love each other so much and I can't even get someone to like me that way. I can't even talk the girl I like. That's how pathetic I am.

For those of you who are thinking I want Bethany back, think again. That's not what I'm saying, at all. In fact, I haven't talked to Bethany since Thursday because I have chosen to give her silence. I won't say why I have given her silence because she reads this blog. But I think what I'm doing is choosing to conduct and experiment. I am seeing if I can last a day without texting her. This is a rigged test, because Jessica's here, on purpose. I have text Bethany everyday for over a month and a half up until Thursday, now it's been 2 days of chosen silence and I didn't go to church because Bethany would probably question me. I don't need that. I just wasn't feeling it this week. So I'm not texting Bethany until tomorrow, maybe.

Hell, i might text her if she texts me first. I don't really know. All I know is this weekend didn't go as I planned. I'm not saying it WASN'T epic, because it was really great, but it didn't go as I had originally planned it.

I want to find someone for me. I'm not going to say, "God sucks" or "This is God's fault" because I'm 18, single, and completely a moron. All I am going to say is that life is a big trap. If you find God, yay, you find happiness, otherwise... Oh well. And even if you find God, it has to be constant or you will still not be completely happy. I want to be happy. Happy to be single. I can't seem to find joy in being single because when you know people like Jessica who find people that make them happy, it makes you happy.

But part of me being happy for Jessica also makes me jealous. Not that i want Jessica, NO, we are ONLY friends. DO NOT think that. What i mean is: I want someone for me. I want someone that will let me love them. Jessica says I will find someone and I believe, or I did, up until this weekend.

Am I being stupid by thinking this? I seem think I am. I'm stuck in a horrible cycle. I'm happy, I'm not, I'm happy again, I'm depressed, I'm happy, I'm sad, repeat. It is stupid and I wish I could end it all.

It's settled. I am texting Bethany. WAIT!

Side note: You don't know why I'm not texting Bethany, do you? Okay. Thursday night, I hadn't really text her at all, it was a quiet evening. She text me randomly, YELLING AT ME, PISSED OFF, that i was playing a facebook app she played. She said to find my own games and stop playing her apps. I was shocked. If you play good apps, I am going to check them out. Play crappy games or don't complain.

Bethany hit the last straw with that. With all the "rules" she has, I have to keep it written in my head when I talk to her so I don't mess up. I like being friends with Bethany, she is a great person. But because she refuses to hang out with me, were forced to text all the time. She is awesome, when I see her at church. When we text,  I don't get her humor very often and my sarcasm or jokes don't get across right because she won't let me use smiley faces.

Wait a minute, I have been seriously rambling. Back to topic.

I don't know if I want a girlfriend. I just know that watching Jessica and Adam make me happy. They love each other. There love makes me want love of my own. I don't want to freak anyone out, I just don't want to be alone anymore. I also know how little Jessica and Adam see each other so I stayed mute this weekend. I tried to give them space, I did, and I didn't want to intrude on there happiness. I say that they're on vacation, because they finally get time to themselves, but in reality, it's not vacation. It's just a weekend away from home. Where my friends are happy and I am there to take up an extra seat, to say I was there.

I get to emotionally involved with people, I set myself up to fail, and I never change that, even when I try. Jessica and Adam are amazing. I like Adam, I even consider us friends after this weekend, but I still get the vibe that he is skeptical on an opinion about me. Jessica and I will be friends until she tells me to drop dead and lose her number, so that's a positive thought.

Lastly, I think I'm over reacting with Bethany. Experiment over. I am going to text her tomorrow. Or tonight if she texts me. Unless Jessica advises otherwise. I have been torturing myself by not texting her, because, literally, only Tracy has text me this weekend, and that was five minutes on Saturday. My phone was blank, void, and non existent this weekend. I could have text Bethany, but I thought I needed to let the silence send a message across. I am stupid. I am so freakin' stupid, I wish I could punch myself until I passed out. I need a good beating. Maybe I need some good medication, so I can wake up in a few weeks.

I need to sort this out. I don't need to think this way this weekend. I need to think happy thoughts, not this love-filled, depressing thoughts. I need to be single, if I can't live single, how will I survive on my own after college? I can't rely on my friends, that would be doomed to fail. I need to know that life isn't all about love and happiness, even if you have God. UGH! Maybe.. NO!

I'm done. Done with this.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Girls are complicated. That or they confuse you on purpose...

Well nothing really went as I had planned during my first B Day of the week. Sure, it went fine, decent, as far as school goes, but it wasn't as I had planned. I was hoping I could talk to Tiffany and really connect or something, I don't know, find a link that could help us become friends...

Well Tuesday started out fine, being yesterday, I was able to finish all my homework 3rd hour (Remember, I have a block study hall (hours 3-4) on B days) and spent 4th hour reading my book and texting, more texting than reading, actually. I was texting Bethany pretty much all of 3rd and 4th hour. I love how were just texting up a storm and no problems have risen, I like it when that happens, makes me happy, makes her happy, makes this blog a less depressing place to visit...

In case you didn't know, Tiffany is in my 4th hour Study Hall and 6-7th hour Tech Theatre class, but only on B days. I don't see her, period, on A days, unless I randomly see her in the hall between classes. I walked into class and Tiffany was already there, along with Alexis (one of my friends I haven't really blogged about). I walked into the room and made conversation with Alexis, when the conversation died down, I took a deep breath and turned to Tiffany and said, "Hello".

She replied with an awkward smile, as if she didn't realize I was talking to her at first but then, out of kindness, smiled. I instantly felt as stupid as I probably looked and didn't say anything else. If I smart, I would have asked her about her day or something casual, but I froze and didn't know how to react to that awkward smile. Well we took a quiz first thing when the bell rang and when it was over, she had to leave for golf (which I never saw as her kind of sport). I had blown my chance with her. At least for Tuesday.

Alexis knows that I like Tiffany, errr, that I have a crush on her. Not like a 5th grade crush where your just shy, but one of those high school crushes where, yes, your shy, but you are so nervous, because of how intimidating they are, you just can't bring yourself to talk to them without mustering up a lot of courage.

I was actually texting Bethany about this after school, along with Jessica (Yes, I always trust my 2 best friends for advice, and occasionally Michael, but this is one of those things I probably won't tell Michael about, just because it's so soon after Bethany, I don't want people to confirm they were right about me "not really loving Bethany", which is still wrong. I DID LOVE HER. But i chose to stop, nobody actually won) and Bethany started talking to me about what happened (I told her what I've said here, I felt as stupid as I probably looked) and after a few texts back and forth, I was currently on the bus home, she said to call her when I got home. I was skeptical, but I did as she requested and called her.

The question she asked me, I had not expected. At fist, I was suprised, mostly shocked. Looking back, I find the question to be humorous, that she would assume such a thing. She asked me, point blank, "What's your definition of Love and Lust?"

Seriously, you think I lust about Tiffany? I had to do a quick brainstorm to give her my definition, before she gave me the bible's definition. I was about 90% on target with what the bible said so I felt like I had the right idea in mind. I had to reassure her that I did not lust over Tiffany. Yes, we are human, we fall prey to sin and the devil laughs as we do it, probably, but I also know that if I want a real relationship, as friends, with Tiffany, it can't be a lustful friendship.

I highly doubt Tiffany has even, once, thought about me as being her friend. I can almost guarantee that she's thought about me, because we have talked before and anyone who talks, at least once, thinks about the other person and begins to form an opinion about them.

Speaking of that, this brings us to last night! I sent a text message to Bethany and Jessica last night asking if I should grow out my hair or keep it simple and short. Jessica replied first saying she liked it longer and Bethany said Medium hair length looked good. I love hearing opinions from them both because girls always look at things differently then guys and Bethany was like, "It's your hair though, do what you want...", while Jessica was like, "I think it's cute that you want to have nice hair for Tiffany..."

Just diverse friends. I doubt Tiffany even looks at my hair, but I only have myself to work with right now and I'm going to make it the best I can. Perhaps tomorrow will work out better or to my advantage even. God forbid Tiffany finds out I have a blog and starts hitting the archives. She will either things it's cute that I have a crush on her or it will repel her and she will not like me.

I'm glad I have friends like Bethany and Jessica because they help me through all this. Guys just don't have the viewpoint of a woman and If I want to expand my social circle (or get a girlfriend before I'm 35), I have to know what girls are thinking. I have to be able to see things from there perspective and know what to do. So thats why I'm thankful for the friends I have.

Also, Because there epic! That's also a huge bonus!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Thank you brain for failing me, again.

I hate my brain so much, why can't God allow me to have a regular brain. NO! I get "special" brain instead. One that over things things, analyzes things the wrong way, and can't understand what text messages mean (underlying messages). S.T.U.P.I.D.! My brain is stupid.

I had assumed that Bethany was upset with me over our argument Friday, right? Well it turns out she wasn't or so that's what I thought. She was nice to me and even joked about my text last night.

Side note: I text her at 11pm and she said she was trying to sleep. WHAT? She stays up late all the time and texts me too! I could only assume that she wouldn't mind my texting her. Guess she went to bed early last night.

Anyway, I feel stupid for allowing my brain to read into this to much. I need to realize that text messages leave out the emotion people put behind each message. I can only think I know what's going on. Ehhh, whatever.

About the camping trip and Bethany, it amused me today, sarcastically, of course, that Bethany was there for the praise and worship, playing her viola, but during the service, POOF, she was gone. I won't judge her or say she left, because I saw her about 5 minutes after it ended coming from a hallway in the back, but what is the point of missing an awesome camping trip with Jessica (HELLO!) and my other friends? Church is awesome and I don't discourage her decision, but it upsets me that we can never hang out, as friends.

Ever since we couldn't date and had to be friends, I've wanted to just hang out, nothing more than that, but she always has a reason why she can't. It seems like I will never get to hang out with her again, like she's afraid a repeat of our past will happen. Trust me, sleep over or not, we will only be friends from now on. She would have to VERBALLY, to my face, no text messages, tell me she loved me and wanted to go beyond friendship to make me go back there, because I am miles past that point in our life.

What is it with girls and making the lives of men complicated? Do they find joy in my confusion and/or pain? I think that Bethany was out of my league anyway, but she still flaunts her stuff and I can't help but notice. That aside and still speaking of woman, I am going to finally try to communicate with Tiffany this week!

I am not giving up on love as I had thought I would, but I'm not throwing false ideas in my head at the same time. I want to be FRIENDS with Tiffany, taking it slow, and if things progress in the following months at school, maybe we can talk. My love life has been bumpy so far up until now and even now still remains on shaky ground, but i believe greater things are coming if I patiently wait for them to come.

Jessica gave me some great advice for when I talk to Tiffany this upcoming week. If all works out as I played it in my head, we should make serious progress this week!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Seemingly flat out retarded.

I am seemingly flat out retarded.  Ugh, I wish I knew a way to solve life issues without needing God but I seriously need him for everything. It seems like I can’t solve anything for myself. I don’t know why, but that’s just how it is.

I have had one hell of a week. I absolutely hated today. It is by far the low of my week. I know some good eventually came out of today, but I should have been quiet and read my book today during study hall, no other option. Instead, I decided to text Bethany, which I usually do (I was also texting Jessica) at every study hall (because I do my homework during the first half).

I got mad because Bethany wouldn’t go on the camping trip with us (being Jessica, Adam, Tracy, Carolyn (maybe), Louis (Maybe), Hannah, and Tommy). It’s NEXT weekend (not this weekend), but she said she had to be at church, flat out. Well if she gave them a notice, she should be fine.

Side note: She plays the viola with the praise and worship team.

She seemed to get protective and so I got defensive. Any way you put it, something happened, where a chain reaction happened. She told me that we shouldn’t be friends and I FLIPPED OUT. I’m not doing that. NO THANK YOU! I like my friends, one argument and you don’t want to be friends? C’mon, people argue, you don’t decide to hate them because of it. We were both being harsh.

I had to find some reasoning in this so I text Michael, he seems to know what to do and I listen to him. He didn’t really tell me anything I didn’t already know, but apparently if I read my bible more and got meds, I should be fine.

Side note: I was joking about needing meds but he seems to think maybe I do, or that’s just what I got from it, I don’t want to put words in anyone’s mouth…

My life is going downhill and I just know Satan is mocking me, saying, “How long did you think this would last? God doesn’t do squat for you but give you false happiness, doomed to fail.” Legit, I knew he was thinking that, mocking me. Well Michael reassured me that only I can allow Satan to bring me down. Well I told myself, Bethany and Michael, I wouldn’t lose Bethany. So I text Bethany, saying something along the lines of, “We are friends, period, no changing that.” That’s not exact, but whatever.

I think the only friend in my life I have NEVER pissed off is Jessica. I don’t know why and I’m scared to think of when that will happen, but for some reason, she totally accepts every part of me and knows that I think rashly at times and just need to think a second time and clear my thoughts. She helps me THROUGH the issue and doesn’t judge.

So what I don’t get is why Jessica has this stickler’s syndrome. She is such an EPICLY FROSTY person; I don’t know why God would allow her to live with this for 18 years. I feel like she has done so many good things in life, she deserves a blessing. She deserves a healing, in my opinion. God knows best though, but I won’t stop praying for her, I care about her so much.

Anyway, that’s just my opinion. And I wanted to post something. Now my dad’s home and I have to see him until Wednesday… But that’s drama for another post.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Extended weekends never last

Well here it is Monday and I’m not doing anything productive with my life. Okay, that’s not entirely true. On Saturday, I got to see Jessica and Adam and we hung out at my house, in my room…

Side note: Adam is Jessica’s boyfriend and, from what I hear, they never get any privacy, so I apparently helped them out on Saturday (Even though we just hung out)…

We half watched disturbia (I watched, Jessica and Adam were on my bed cuddling while I watched them cuddle and the movie both). That’s about the high light. We actually had a really good time though! I love seeing Jessica but she just doesn’t seem to think it’s convenient to get her. I mean, I have told her this many times, it takes longer to PICK UP Tommy then it does to PICK UP and RETURN HOME with her. I think I finally got through to her on Saturday, I hope, she can come over, Adam included, anytime she wants! All she has to do is send a text message or call me and we will make a game plan.

Side note: It was funny, Adam apparently was repelled the idea of baked bacon. I didn’t care for it either, but he wouldn’t even eat it after one bite, it just didn’t appeal to him (In all honesty, I like my bacon crunchy so I will NEVER bake bacon, I don’t care how “fatty” the bacon is, I like it crispy)!

On Sunday, I ended up working from 7pm – 11ish (Frozen Yogurt places apparently have a lot of work to do) because I was taking a shift for someone (whose name escapes me), that was a fun shift because it was with Even and Kelsey! Kelsey is amazing because she is so easy to talk to and she is such a fun person! I loved working yesterday for that reason alone. Also, Even doesn’t make conversations go south by sounding disinterested, I like that.

I’m hoping I get to work on my story sometime soon, I never have time anymore and I need to keep it going, because it’s not going to be an insanely long story but it is going to be lengthy, I’m guessing around 100 pages though. I will probably end up making it longer than that based off the fact that my plot won’t really find resolve in that many pages, but we’ll see how it develops. I’m still taking Jessica’s advice on describing characters and making Bridgett (Bethany’s character) less of a snob, as it apparently came across.

I need to just take the time and work on my story. I need to silent my phone, close my door, and write. Not caring about anything else. I doubt that will happen though, I never have time and I wouldn’t have the privacy if I did. I’m only alone right now because Carolyn’s mom made her come home.

I think I will work on my story, next chance I get, but now after this post, I am working on my script for my YouTube movie! I’m on scene three of part five and I’m almost done! As soon as I am, we can begin filming!

Side note: If you want a part in any of my videos, just message me, I can work something out, most likely.

Friday, September 2, 2011

I need to find consistancy.

The past days of my life have been confusing. You all know from my last post that I have been through a lot. I have made it a new challenge for myself to just let go of things forgiven, forget the bad in my life, learning from it of course, and moving forward. I am struggling with my relationship with Christ recently because I have been to obsessed with other things and this incident with Bethany that I wouldn’t allow myself to move on.

I know that when you say you forgive someone, you move on, but I have been struggling with the “after you forgive” portion of life. Let me just on Wednesday afternoon…

I came out of school and rode the bus home; I got home and immediately had to change my clothes for work. I am currently employed at a fine establishment where they sell delish frozen yogurt. I’m sure you can guess where I work. I worked from 3pm up until I got off work at 5pm; I was working half a shift for my friend Kelsey who also is employed where I work. Well I had to take of work at 5 and prepare for church at 6:30pm.

Side note: I had not been planning on going to church; I was planning to work a double shift until 9:30 (plus closing times). Bethany and I had been texting that day (I had also been texting pastor Michael) and apparently it had gone in a downward spiral, making us both mad (I guess it made her mad too). Well At lunch, I was instructed to call Bethany. I did just that and she told me I had to be at church or else (well, not in that exact phrasing, but she emphasized the importance.

Well I found a way out of working my double shift and was ready to go to church. While I was at home waiting for 6:30pm to roll around, I called Jessica and talked to her. It seems I’m talking to her ALL THE TIME now days, which is totally awesome, but it’s starting to make some unintended rumors float around. For the sake of Jessica, I won’t share them but Jessica wasn’t very pleased to hear them.

ANYWAY, I arrived at church at 6:30pm, slightly angry and without my bible. I was determined to make myself look miserable. I would have rather worked than go to church because I would have that much more money, but NO! I had to be at church because I had to “clear the air” for Michael. Whatever.

That was pretty much my mind of thinking. Well the service was over at around, what 8pm? Maybe later than that… I figured we would do our stupid conversation next, but I should have known there was more. They made me wait EVEN LONGER until after praise and worship practice.

Side note: When you’re angry and don’t want to be somewhere, you make it shown. I was not in the mood to hear happy Christian songs or even be there for much longer. But Bethany was singing, for the first time that I had seen and I found that interesting, even though I couldn’t hear her voice (she didn’t have a mic).

After praise and worship, it was around an hour later, somewhere around 9pm at this point. I had been at church for 2 ½ hours longer than I wanted to be. He made me come to the front of the church and Lloyd, Amanda, Michael, Laura, Bethany, and I all had this warm talk.

It started out fine, I s’pose, but it was a little dry, hearing the same thing over again:

“Zach, you’re not in love, move on, Bethany is someone else’s wife.”

I felt like I was suddenly at an intervention. I didn’t need help, I was fine. I talked to Bethany for almost 3 hours on the phone and we sorted out why she wanted to be friends, why she waited so long to tell me if she knew, and how we can move on and still be friends. It seemed pointless.

But apparently nobody else seemed to get it so I just interrupted when it became quiet and said I didn’t need an intervention. If I had one problem with Bethany, it was that she was rude to me since Sunday. Giving me the cold shoulder, HapKiDO incident (don’t ask), and etc.

Bethany didn’t agree, she suddenly became mad. I didn’t want that so I figured, “Great, I made it worse, perfect. Way to go Zach.” Bethany and I were great before Sunday and now the devil was pulling us apart and making us hate each other. But because Lloyd, Amanda, Michael and Laura were there, they helped sort this out with us. It was nice of them and I didn’t complain. I just felt awkward and wanted to leave, honestly (I avoid anything that feels like therapy or counseling).

Well we resolved the issues, let’s just leave it at that, and started a clean slate. They figured a clean slate like, “Hi I’m Bethany” and “Hi I’m Zachary”, but NO THANK YOU! For me anyway. I will start over, clean slate, yes, but I am only forgetting the past that was bad. No chance of getting me to forget the fun I had with Bethany at my party on the 23rd of July, the sleep over, or when we went swimming the Monday after that! I loved all of those memories and I won’t forget that.

That would be like me saying I forgot the fact that I made Bits&Pieces with George and Kyle. Even though were not friends, no way I’m forgetting that, it was fun to make, participate it, and I love and hold onto those memories.

Note this: I will not relive the entire conversation, because as I stated before, it got resolved, bottom line. I won’t let you muck around in my personal life when it affects more than just me. I turned over a new leave in August and since then I have been trying to live a better life. It hasn’t really worked out like I’ve planned, but it has been better than it would have been if I never got saved at all.

Well Thursday was great. I text Bethany and I could just tell, from our texting conversation, that she had been changed and we were both now on a great relationship level as friends. Bethany is dynamic person, full of many parts and pieces, I think God knows best so perhaps I couldn’t help her as much as some other lucky guy. I just wish God would hurry up and tell me who I AM SUPPOSED TO BE WITH so I don’t have to get blind-sided again.

Side note: For those of you, too lazy to check the archives, I was closed to the idea of Love and God until Bethany came into my life, in person, on July 23rd. So maybe God used her as a pawn in his clever game of my life, directing me to him and finding salvation. I just don’t think he wanted me to fall in love with her, which was my mistake.

And as for today, I woke up, got to miss the first half of school, and took my driver’s test this morning. I was all excited and pumped, figuring I knew everything, confident in myself and my driving capability. Well I didn’t finish the test completely, because I failed it.

Side note: My dad has a ’94 Buick Regal, I’m sorry that I can’t find the emergency brake or the windshield wipers, my bad.

I couldn’t find some technical stuff (like the emergency brake and windshield wipers, Haha) and apparently I didn’t look around while I backed out of the parking spot, even though there were 3 cars in the parking lot. The officer (I think that’s what he was) said I didn’t turn my wheels right on upward and downward hills (I knew, I just went opposite by accident) and I can’t back strait.

I took it the advice and didn’t leave happy. I had planned to pick up Jessica on Monday morning so we could hang out and have fun. We could go anywhere we wanted, because I had a license, car, and cash! Now I have to beg and plead (or just admit I want to mooch off her license) for Carolyn to drive up there with me to pick her up. I have to also go get Adam, wherever he lives, and we were going to hang out on Monday, being a holiday, no school, YAY!

Even though I failed my test, my mom still made me go to school which made me mad. Not really mad, but irritated. I was already upset about failing my test, I didn’t need to go to school and look pissed off. Well the first person I sent a text to that I failed my test was both Bethany and Jessica.

Side note: It’s funny to compare the reactions of my two best friends, because Bethany came across, “It’s probably because you’ve only driven 5 times in the last two years!” and Jessica came across, “Awe, what happened?” It’s funny how I can have two best friends that are almost opposites, but I love them both so that’s why they’re my best friends!

Jessica was at school so we didn’t text long but I told her I would find a way to get her on Monday (hence my ‘Carolyn saves the day’ plan) and Bethany continued texting me (I came to school 3rd hour and it was a B Day meaning I had study hall until 5th hour so I could text), eventually saying,  “Does everything suck when it doesn’t go your way?”

Talk about harsh, but I answered saying that not everything sucks when It doesn’t happen like I plan, but in this incident, it was seeing my very best friend on Monday and it was important to me. I continued to say, “I don’t like being negative do don’t think I do, but I’m not seeing a good thing from this. What? Is God keeping me from a lethal accident? C’mon, there is no way to be optimistic about this.”

Bethany came back with a clever counter, “Life is a picture. It’s all about your point of view.”

That made absolutely no sense to me. Life is not a picture, it’s a freakin’ hourglass and you never know when it’s going to run out! I guess we have different views on optimism. At this point, I stopped thinking, paused, and took a deep breath. I thought to myself, why am I worrying about this so much? I can try for my license again and I will still get to see Jessica on Monday, even if it was late afternoon, so there was really no point in complaining.

Side note: Whenever something crappy happens in my life and I want to talk to someone about it (or to help me get through it), I ALWAYS TEXT JESSICA AND BETHANY. I value there advice more than anyone else’s. I realized that and apologized to Bethany for that, because she seems to think I’m always upset and I’m really not. I just listen and trust her advice more than other advice I get.

Well I told Bethany that and she said, “Wow… Sounds like somebody’s learning to forgive himself. That’s great!” I don’t want to be that friend who always complains about stuff, because that will repel people from me. If I want to be a successful writer, I need to leave the complaints to characters in books, not complain about it in person (or text message) to Bethany and Jessica all the time, though Jessica doesn’t mind and we’ll talk on the phone or web chat and it helps me get through it.

Side note: I truly believe God blessed me with Bethany and Jessica, because no other two opposites would both be so highly trusted by me otherwise. Bethany is more of a “stick it to you” kind of person, “the truth hurts, suck it up and move on” and it comes across harsh at times, but I need that occasionally. Jessica gives a softer, gentler approach, she will listen to your side of the story and give you the advice she believes will help you through the problem. I thank God for them both every day, because without them both in my life, I would be lost.

That’s just for advice, Bethany, when hanging out, is so much fun! You can have fun doing nothing and same with Jessica, because of how EPIC my friends are. I don’t have many, but as far as quality goes, I have the best friends possible and that’s all that matters to me.

Side note: Regarding church Wednesday night, my manager had to work my 7pm – closing shift for me because I couldn’t work, because I had agreed to work that shift for someone else, after she has worked the opening shift. Kelsey told me that she was NOT HAPPY about it and that I need to work EVERY SINGLE SHIFT possible that I commit to from here on, because I don’t want to make her mad again.

I felt bad knowing that I had disappointed my manager, but if I hadn’t gone to church, there would still be a problem between Bethany and I, I truly believe that, and I feel as though going to church helped, more than I can imagine.

So now my weekend seems bright. I am working tomorrow from 3 – 7pm and I get to see Jessica on Monday, life seems great. I hope Bethany allows us to hang out as friends again, I don’t know why, but she still doesn’t hug me or anything. I don’t read into it anymore like I used to, but now I’m just curious. Hugs are not bad, sexual, or gross. Everyone hugs people and we don’t have to have a long 25 second embrace, but maybe a quick, “hey, great to see ya!” 3 second hug. I don’t know, it seems reasonable to me.

I’m so glad my posts didn’t go downhill like I thought they would, so many times I could predict the bad in everything, knowing it would come, and I thought it would happen with Bethany. Thank God it didn’t happen! I was rerouted, found my footing again, totally solved the issue, and moved on, crisis averted!

Side note: I want to thank Lloyd and Amanda for taking me home Wednesday night, buying me the ice cream, and talking to me in the car. They seem to know more about God, love, and life than I do so I am beginning to trust them more. I talked to them and trusted them like I trust Michael. They are so great.

I feel like I want to read my bible more and all that amazing stuff that comes with growing closer to God, but I can never seem to “find the time” in my day, even though I always have time. I want to raise my hands above my head on a Sunday and praise God fully, but I never do, I raise my hands to around my waist, self conscious in the back of my mind.

Side note: What has really helped me, during praise and worship, is closing my eyes. I can forget anyone is there and let God be fully in my mind, only opening my eyes to read the words for that song if I don’t know it.

I think everyone should give God a chance, if he can change me from the person I was, trust me, he can transform anyone! His love is far greater than anything you will ever experience, just open up your heart and give him a chance, because you can tell, just by looking at me, talking to me, or reading this blog, that I am a new person, changed for the better. God can help you; all you have to do is ask.