Life is a big lesson, a test. A process. Perhaps even a transition. It's something bigger than what it appears. I learned so much about myself today that I don't know if I should be so happy right now. Let's start out with the basics.
You know I have been posting about Bethany A LOT recently. How its going to my time for happiness in 7 days (if you count today). Well stop counting. No, she didn't bump up the date. She want's to be friends. Nothing more.
Don’t feel bad though, I may have cried over her for around an hour and then, having to pull myself together, go to work. I got hired at lemon tree. I got another job! Yay? Seriously, don’t be sad for me.
What? Don’t be sad for you?
Yes, I have turned over a new leaf, again. I was emotionally crushed. I had attached myself to her and I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER, but she didn’t feel the same. At least she didn’t wait until we were actually going on to break it to me. It probably hurt her to know that when she told me, it would hurt me, emotionally. Let me tell you though, I was angry, sad, and full of emotion. I CRIED FOR ALOST AN HOUR!!
I AM A ROBOT!! I DON’T CRY!! But I was wept like a teary eyed little boy after I smashed my finger in a car door, only worse, because it was emotional pain. I cried out to God asking why she chose to hurt me like this. Why she didn’t love me too. Well I didn’t get an answer.
But that’s all I’m going to say about it, other than the fact that there is a hole in my wall now… Oops? Sorry dad…
I actually called Jessica after work and talked to her about it for around a half hour before starting a blog post. 2 paragraphs in, in usual anger posting, I tried to word things in such a way where it made her look like the bad person in the situation. Well she broke it off with me … before it even started. And if you knew Bethany, she is amazing. And the 5 weeks I’ve known her, I haven’t found any reason to hate her or find anything negative or bad. So I decided to call her and try to make her feel bad on the phone (I know I sound like really big butt head and selfish person. This makes me look terrible, but I’ve tried to make excuses for myself for too long so I figured being honest was best).
I called her and didn’t get an answer so to make sure she called me, I left her a voicemail. What I said I will not share with you, but she called back almost immediately. Well I tried my method and I could hear in her voice that she was sorry and she didn’t want this to happen. So I began to feel bad. Typical… I try making her feel bad so I feel bad by trying that. I gave up and just decided to find answers. Well I got them.
We ended up talking over an hour about our relationship, what happened, WHY SHE CHOSE TO BE FRIENDS, and other things relating our relationship. We accomplished so much that I was friends with her again after just an hour of clarification. Usually your pissed off and want them to drop dead, right? Well I just wanted answers… She was still my friend. And she is my best friend right now, still. YES! I KNOW!!! It’s possible!!
Well we kept talking for another hour and a half about general things. We even talked so much that I told her about my addiction (From a previous post, just check the archives)! To trust her THAT MUCH right after SHE HURT ME was HUGE!! The power of healing and Gods love is so incredible that I am still shocked that I’m so happy!
Bethany will always be my best friend. But I don’t know that I will open up to love again, I’m still skeptical. I still don’t know if I want to take that risk again. I am not afraid of getting hurt exactly, I’m just afraid that it will be ANOTHER wasted investment. If were friends already, they will have to tell me WE WILL DATE. If we’re not friends, NO CHANCE.
I told Bethany not to feel bad, feel regret, or feel anguish about this. SHE DOESN’T LOVE ME, that’s not a crime. Was I emotionally crushed? Yeah, sure. But I CHOSE TO MOVE ON. I could be moping around, crying “poor me” or “I hate her” and passing blame around, well NO! I am bigger than that. God wants each experience in your life to help you grow. Everything happens for a reason.
Side Note: I did tell Bethany though that she was totally attractive and insanely hot and I didn’t know if I could find someone better than her. Stupid thing to tell her, huh?
We have a strong relationship, if anything, it helped us grow. We have a very strong relationship. She opened up too!! I thought she would never open up to me as friends, but finally, she let me in a little (Nobody ever lets you FULLY IN unless you ARE dating them or MARRIED). I felt like she cared about me, really and truly, so I let her in too. Letting someone in and sharing things with them that you can’t trust with others REALLY LETS A WEGIHT OFF YOUR SHOULDERS!
I love my friends. I like to think that I still love Bethany, but only as a really close friend. Probably as much as I love Jessica now, I s’pose. I don’t know if I can confirm that just yet. I have to go through this week and post more through this week. I really don’t see any problems. It wont work for me and Bethany, I get that, I accept that, I will live with that.
Listen to this paragraph closely…
You can’t blame people, situations, or other things for any unhappiness, bitterness, hate, hurt, etc because that’s PLACING BLAME. You have to realize YOU CHOSE to do that or love them. YOU MADE THE CHOICE, NOT THEM! I had to realize that I CHOSE to love Bethany, I didn’t have to love Bethany. Now I ASSUMED that she loved me too, but I DID NOT KNOW. You need to clarify that. Don’t do anything BLIND! Get CONFIRMATION. Make sure YOU KNOW before you do something/commit.
Bethany, I do not and will not hate you or feel bitterness/resentment towards you. That phone call cleared everything up! We should so talk more, I enjoyed that.
If anyone wants to feel bad for me, DON’T! That solves nothing. I live each day to the fullest. And each day is a chance to make the NEXT better. Every decision has a reaction. I hope love comes back gentle next time though, I don’t know if I could handle it, depending on certain situations.
Lastly, I want to thank Jessica for being supportive through everything. She was the only person who supported me! And even though it didn’t work out, she still listened, cared, and told me it was alright, even if I didn’t believe her. She really does care about me. She wants me to be happy and knows I will find someone, one day.
Side note: Adam did help too, but I didn’t get the RAWR and etc… tehehe
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
So yesterday was so fun! I didn’t expect that coming from an A day’s perspective, though I didn’t have a traumatizing day. I don’t get it, I want to major in Graphic Design and yet, Graphic Design isn’t my favorite class. Tech Theatre is my favorite class. I just love building things and getting a challenge thrown at me! Now (if you’re talking to yourself as you read this or thinking, NO! Tiffany is not a “challenge” because I overcame that issue) I know you all think I’m a crazy person. I want to be a author and be a Graphic Artist, but I’m taking Tech Theatre as a class in High School, how does that work?
Simple. I have a writing class, Creative Writing, next semester. I also have Graphic Design 2 all year long, plus I’m taking Creative Photography to help with my Photoshop skills. I pretty much need to master this equipment if I’m going to be successful in the graphic field. But I didn’t come to this post to talk about my life ambitions; I came here to talk about how yesterday went and how it became epic!
Jessica is plain freakin’ epic! That pretty much explains everything. What, you’re still confused? Okay, I guess I will explain a little better. I got home from school perfectly fine, my mom was waiting for me in the front (she actually had to text me because I was about to get on the bus; she ended up bribing me with Dr. Pepper). Well I got home no sooner than 2 seconds and my mom had to GO BACK to the school because Hannah wanted to get picked up (she usually stayed after). Well I was chillin’ at home, playing Bubble Saga on Facebook (best app EVER btw) when Carolyn and Louis approached the house and entered.
Side note: Apparently, my house is “Home Base” for all of our friends. I don’t mind, as long as I get some alone time a few hours to work on my novel. The weekend is the only time I have to work on my novel these days. I might get lucky when I get home from school and feel inspired, but usually I’m tired, thirsty, and want to relax and play Bubble Saga (Yeah, I think I’m getting addicted).
ANYWAY! Haha, I was texting Jessica after school, because I’m just that awesome, and we were chatting and at 3:27pm, I asked if she had any weekend plans. She said she didn’t, as far as she knew yet, but her boyfriend Adam might come over. Well curiosity was peaked and she asked why. I said that I was gonna have an epic night with burgers and movies and I wanted her to be involved (because she’s epic)!
Well she didn’t know, so I told her that she needed to find out because she would totally make the night SO FROSTY (Don’t ask, haha) if she could come over! Well she didn’t know so I told her to try to find out, ask her parents, etc… We were texting for awhile because we went back and forth chatting until 5:40pm when she found out I was talking about making plans for FRIDAY and not SATURDAY. She didn’t have anything going on so SHE COULD GO (WOOT)!
Well we picked her up at 6:30pm and we… Oh you’ll love this.
Side Note: My sister’s boyfriend, Tommy (I call him T Bizzle), is quiet the character. We were going to Red Robin for dinner. Well he wanted to stop by Church’s (chicken) and buy some okra. ON THE WAY TO EAT DINNER! Well he bought 4 bucks worth of okra and some biscuits, then we went to Red Robin (On the plus, the biscuits are FANTASTIC)!
Well we got to Red Robin fine, having to wait on Tommy to finish his okra before we went in. It’s funny to see Tommy eat okra, biscuits, and then a Red Robin appetizer. I could do it if I had to, but I wouldn’t really go to do different places, I would pick one and order MORE. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers. Or so I hear.
Jessica was so much fun! There is never a dull or boring moment when she is around, she is such a livewire! If we only had a box in an empty room, we could still have fun, that’s how epic Jessica is, you will never get bored (Ha, this example is funny (Inside joke))!
Well after we were done eating, we went back to my house and hung out, by this point (I’m guessing times now) it was between 8:30 and 9:30, I don’t remember exactly, but we hung out, Hannah and Tommy did there thing and Carolyn went with them. Jessica said she wanted to read my novel so I pulled it up on my computer.
Side Note: Jessica is the ONE PERSON I will go to FIRST for advice on my book. Why? Because she always gives the best advice, duh! Haha, but she really seems to know more about writing than I do. Her opinion matters to me more than anyone else’s (well, Bethany’s opinion is SUPER IMPORTANT to me too)!
Well she did find a few errors and I’m actually going to try to fix those today. She didn’t read it all because, apparently, I made Bethany’s character come across TOTALLY WRONG! I haven’t let anyone read it before so when Jessica read it (She is the first person to read it from the beginning, I shared an excerpt of chapter 5 with Tommy, Carolyn, Louis, and Hannah), she gave me a readers perspective and I didn’t like how Bethany came across.
I want Bethany’s Character to grow and become one of your favorite characters. I want the reader to emotionally attach themselves to her. I want them to WANT happiness for each character, especially my character. If romance fails in this story, it will make half the book void. I don’t want to have a “decent novel”; I want a “perfect novel”! That doesn’t mean it has to sell a bunch of copies or be on Oprah’s book list, it just has to be perfect in my eyes. I have to be able to read it and know that each character is developed. When Jessica, Bethany, Carolyn, and Tracy say my book is perfect, I will be satisfied. I guess you can call them my reading panel, haha.
Well Jessica gave me some GREAT input for my novel that I will most definitely use! I just hope it all meshes together in a way that doesn’t confuse the reader. I want each character to be their own person, I want the reader to have options when someone says, “Who is your favorite character?” I want each character, even the small ones, to be a possible favorite for the reader. I also want the plot to flow, I’m working on adding mystery now and if it doesn’t flow with the rest of the plot, I will have to take the time to edit that. In the long run, you can’t do anything (technically speaking) in a day, so I will take my time and really work on each character, the plot, and how I want the reader to feel.
Back on topic, Jessica had to be home at 11pm so she couldn’t spend the night and hang out with me today, but that’s fine, I think she gets to see her boyfriend today and I’m pretty sure that makes her happy.
Side note: Haha, I’m a warm guy (Inside joke)...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
So regarding my last two posts, I got some clarification. Let’s start with the post from August 23rd, I feel as though It’s the devil tempting me, but also it’s not all bad because Tiffany IS A GOOD PERSON, you don’t have to know that to KNOW that. I just feel like as the devil is tempting me with the previous thoughts I had last year, it’s also an opportunity to find some new friends my senior year.
I feel as though since summer started, the people I have met (Jessica, Tracy, Richie, etc) have all been great people! Not to mention, I am expanding my social surroundings with people in some of my classes. I am acquainted with a few people now in Weight Training, which is a good thing for that class, I need allies…
As for the fact that I don’t really know anyone in my other classes yet, that will be what it is. Speaking of that, I don’t have Tech Theatre again until Monday so I have time to process today. Oh, I haven’t told you about Tech Theatre today yet, huh? I guess now’s a good time…
We had a substitute teacher, who was weird (and, to my knowledge, unintentionally funny). I like Mr. Young more than this substitute teacher, just my opinion. Yeah, I think Tiffany could be a great friend. Really, if Satan would stop planting lies in my head, I could FOCUS and realize that she doesn’t know anything about me. She probably just thinks (from my best guess) that I’m a weird guy who stares at her (Yeah, she has caught be starring at her, both last year in Algebra, and I think she’s caught me this year already).
Look, I’m not starring at her thinking “OMG, She is so hot!”… That would be incredibly awkward. I am just thinking to myself, why am I so secluded. I should talk to her. Jessica said it wasn’t bad that I have been staring at her, because I keep reminding myself, “Hey! Bethany is the goal. Think about her, not Tiffany. You love Bethany; keep your mind on the goal.”
I don’t lose focus after that. Yet, I still spent 7th hour today talking to myself, literally, the entire hour, talking about why I am a loser for not talking to Tiffany. How she is nice and the worst that can happen is she totally rejects me. That Bethany can potentially, to my knowledge, be mine in 10 days. Just 10 days and Bethany will, as far as I know, start hanging out with me, outside church.
Speaking of that, I am hoping that means she will be my girlfriend. I mean, I don’t know what she’s thinking, but I figure it’s the right time. I waited for her, patiently, and she knows I care about her enough to wait. I am passing through every temptation telling the devil he is a loser. Every time I have been tempted, I have resisted! Nobody can stop how much I love Bethany and that love is what powers my patience.
I totally lost my train of thought now… Oh yeah! Tiffany.
That’s not a problem anymore. I will talk to her on Monday; I will be social, about… Something. The world will be fine. Next topic is the Post from August 24th (yesterday). I will no longer worry about my temptation. Jessica helped me through that. I will never, in my life, worry about my addiction again. The reason why Jessica is so epic is because of her reaction to me telling her about it and letting her in.
Side note: I have never told anyone about any “weaknesses” that I have. So to tell Jessica was a HUGE STEP for me. For her to fully accept me and not judge, saying, “that’s normal” made me feel happy and accepted. She really didn’t care about my weaknesses, she knows how awesome I am, and she didn’t care about the bad, because the good in me fully outweighs the bad.
Jessica is just FREAKING EPIC! If you want to know the ‘ideal best friend’, you need to find Jessica! I interact with a lot of people and throughout my 18 years of existence, a lot of people cave come and gone from my life. Out of everyone I know, Jessica is the most caring person I have ever known. Not to mention she is SUPER FUN to be around!
Back to topic, Temptation will never bother me as much as it had this last week. I will not let it get the best of me, I will not let it affect me, and I will not let it control me. In 10 days, temptation will have fully lost. I would have gone the whole mile, even the extra mile, to prove to Bethany how much she means to me!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Fine, you got one. One thing that I keep pulling me back in, sucking me in like a uncontrollable vortex. I am so mad at myself that I can’t control myself. I tell myself NO! to every other temptation thrown my way, it’s a hit and miss for Satan, but he seems to know me better then I know myself because he pulled out the big guns.
I’m not done growing, I will defeat every temptation, I just hope it’s not too late before I finally know how to say NO! It really pisses me off. Oh, are you confused? Well I’m not really comfortable sharing my ‘addictions’ with the online world, especially if they consist of people from my school, close friends, family perhaps, and other perverted freaks… But addictions really, really, REALLY suck!
I know I’m strong enough to overcome any challenge so why is it so hard to break this bond? It’s seriously seems like I’m chained to this addiction and I don’t have enough strength to break the chains and the key is down a drain, miles away, I feel stuck. I feel like an animal. I feel like I deserve to be chained down.
At the same time, I know God loves me and when I was saved, I was free. I accepted him and I was free from all bondage's. So why am I still chained to this one? I stopped watching TV shows I shouldn’t, I no longer write questionable literature, and I don’t see movies/read books that I know I shouldn’t. I listen to the feeling inside of me, telling me it’s wrong. And I feel that feeling when I know I’m about to sin, but I just… stop thinking when that happens, only for this.
Side note: without knowing my ‘addiction’, you can’t connect, relate, or generally care, but I won’t… can’t tell you. It’s none of your business and I just need to vent.
If I could just say no, I wouldn’t be posting this ridiculous blog. Y’know what, I noticed something when I was first saved. My dad wasn’t working at the time and I was always around him, plus that first week and a half after I was saved, I read my bible every day. Now, I don’t read every day (hardly ever now, which sucks) and I’m always around my mom and sister (who are not… the best ‘wise’ Christian influences to hang around).
The way I figure it in my brain (which could be wrong, I’m not sure) is that if I were to read my bible every day again and hang out around other Christians, maybe I can control myself enough and think to say NO! When Satan tries to tempt me. He knows better than I do that he can only win with this ONE temptation. I can control myself around other temptations in public. And, generally speaking, I don’t sin when I’m around a crowd, both secular and/or religious.
As soon as I can break the chains holding me back on this last temptation, I will be a lost cause for the devil, because I will finally be able to glorify God, knowing I’m living fully for him, each and every day, in everything I do!
Side note: I also made a few new friends at school, but I will save that for another post…
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It’s not going to work. It’s hard to resist but I will persist. I won’t let you take my happiness away from me. Enough.
Today was a B day, meaning I had a block study hall. And Tech Theatre 2. Meaning Tiffany is in two class periods with me. In my favorite class. Senior year. When I have Bethany. I figured this:
1. The devil is trying to tempt me.
2. The devil is trying to tempt me.
3. The devil is trying to tempt me.
If God is involved, I’m not seeing it. I wish I knew what was going on. All I think about when I’m tempted is the day, hopefully in the distant future, when Bethany and I can spend the entire day together. We can go wherever we want because I have my license and a car and we can get lunch together because I have money to take her on a lunch date. I could also take her to the movies, if she wanted. I just think of that day, because it renews everything inside me skeptical.
I think Tiffany is nice. I don’t think she would tempt me. She probably doesn’t even know I had a crush on her last year, but I don’t anymore. I got over it and now I love Bethany…