Saturday, July 30, 2011

♥ Sleep overs...

I had the best day of my life yesterday/today (Can it count if I use two days?). I guess it can count as yesterday considering I slept at 4am. I tried sleeping at midnight but I got sort of distracted, which was fine by me. Just so you all know, I am 18 now. I invited over Jessica and Bethany to my house and at first I was really excited to just have a good time with my friends when they came over. It turned out I had a lot more fun than I expected.

So I know I shouldn’t have mentioned it, I knew it was a bad idea, but I told my friends Carolyn and Tommy (along with my sister) that I shaved. It was really an accident. I was charging my camcorder and they went to use it or look at it or something, I think, so I flipped out and grabbed it, saying they couldn’t use my camcorder. They were puzzled and asked why and I said I had footage of stuff they didn’t want to see… They just said to spit it out and I told them I shaved. In my manhood area. Carolyn’s reaction was priceless! She spazzed out and wanted to throw up and Tommy fell into a chair moaning in ‘mental image in his head’ pain. It was the best reaction possible.

I deleted it though, off my computer and camcorder both and that’s no longer a problem I have to deal with. Anyway, onward with the party and best day of my life… Bethany showed up before Jessica because Jessica was taking her sweet time and showed up late. Bethany and I talked for awhile and then she wanted to play the Wii so we did for a long while, I think 2 hours or so, even past when Jessica came 2 hours later.

We ended up having a minor pillow fight upstairs and then order pizza from Pizza Hut. I had a coupon on my email so we ordered online, getting free bread sticks (thank you Pizza Hut for the birthday bread sticks)! After we ate the pizza, we talked for awhile and then ended up going to bed around 12am. I don’t think Hannah, Tommy, or Carolyn ended up sleeping because I heard that Carolyn got ‘high’ off of something in my sisters room (no, my sister doesn't have drugs, so i don't know how). I went to my room with Bethany and Jessica and we just went to bed. Jessica had the spare bed and I shared mine with Bethany due to a lack of extra beds. Time seemed to slow down or something because I started thinking to myself, maybe someone could like me. I really don't know what happened but I didn't get much sleep because my brain was so full of thoughts.

I had never been this close to anyone in my life (not physically, but metaphorically) and I have to admit, I liked it, a lot! I wouldn’t have ever dreamed that a girl would like me this much. Maybe it’s the fact that I keep putting myself down and don’t think I could ever find someone who could like me, but trust me, I know she likes me and I know I like her. Tommy said she left with a smile the whole way out the door (She left when her ride showed up and I didn’t get a hug) to her ride’s car.

I really hope I get to see her again soon… She lives close, so maybe I can! I had the best day of my life and I never wanted it to stop…

Friday, July 29, 2011

Sleepovers and school stuff

So I am having a sleepover tonight with my friends Bethany and Jessica. Sadly, Jessica can only stay until 10 o’clock because of her parents but I don’t get why since she is 18 and clearly responsible (Not to mention she has a boyfriend, seriously, what’s gonna happen?). I won’t want to press the issue, she is my best friend and I want to keep it that way.

Speaking of best friends, I officially met Bethany at my party last Saturday and now she is one of my top BFF’s (is it right for a guy to say that?). I am hoping nobody breaks out the twister again (I should probably hide that) because I don’t want to get all twisty again, besides, I don’t play something I know I’ll lose at (miserably). By the way, I got my senior pictures taken this previous Wednesday and the picture lady was kind of annoying. She kept telling me how to sit and where to turn my head like it had to be ‘perfect’. I don’t even care about buying school pictures, my mom does, all I want is a yearbook and I’ll be fine.

My mom wants pictures though, so she has to buy them if she wants them. I do know that I had a chilling rush go down my spine as I walked through the library. So many memories in that room, some good, some bad. The point, It was déjà vu… I walked out faster then I came in. Well I got my tripod from Wal-Mart and I have wanted to make my YouTube movie but Carolyn, Hannah, and Tommy seem to delay it. They are over here almost every day, Carolyn has a car now, and we could film a little bit every day, what’s the problem?

I want to get the video made and published on YouTube (and on blank disks for $2) so I can see how many views I get! I will have to make some solo vids while I wait because I have some great ideas. Not to mention, I have been getting requests from a few people and I don’t like to disappoint…

That’s pretty much what I got going on right now, school starts in August so I will probably start posting more often as I will be in the library for SSR and such. Let me tell you something though, I will not be repeating last year. That will never happen again. I have slightly, I think, solved the issue, and I will never mess up something good again. The only reason I say this is because I know they still read my blog and I know they think I won’t let it go. You remember your mistakes so you can know what NOT TO DO in the future, it’s called improvement.

I really hope the sleepover goes well tonight! I will upload pics probably onto facebook and put a few on here too! Also, don’t mind the annoying template issues and background. I have been trying to customize it myself and give it a personal touch but the background won’t work out how I want it. The favicon is the only think working the way I want it (well, It was supposed to be 4 pictures repeating but I made a solo one just in case). Until next time, peace!

Sunday, July 24, 2011


I gotta tell you, Saturday was the best day of my life! I have never, in my life, had such a good time (besides making ‘in the suburbs’ and ‘pizza delivery’). You know it’s a good party when more people show up then don’t. 10 people showed up opposed to the 7 people who couldn’t make it (4 if you exclude George, Gavin, and Kyle (who I knew wouldn’t come). Then again, I knew Anthony wouldn’t show up either). I was so ready for this party the second it turned 5 o’clock on the dot!

The first guest arrived at 6ish, I think (it was so long ago and my brain hurts). Jessica was pleased to be here and I had such a good time! Jessica is my new best buddy because she is so much fun to be around! She sends a positive vibe in the room and you can’t help but be happy! I was so happy she could come, along with the rest of the gang who arrived. I got to see Nathan for the second time since summer started. He was the second to show up.

Around 6:30, Bethany had finally arrived and it was the first time I got to ‘officially’ meet her. I knew who she was before I ‘knew who she was’, if you know what I mean (long story that’s not so long, lol). She was so much fun to be around too! I thought it was funny how she said I was so tall. I just love hearing tall comments; it brings joy to my heart. Being tall rocks!

I won’t speak for the rest of the people who came but I, personally, can’t imagine a better party! I know you think games are lame, probably, but we busted out the twister (due to popular demand) and played that FOREVER! It was so much fun to see Carolyn DOMINATE everyone else. I think Carolyn and Bethany were the 2 best twister players. I was lame (I hate my left knee and elbow).

Even though my parents were there supervising, it really didn’t matter because we didn’t get them mad at all. Although, from what I heard, my dad wasn’t happy about our marshmallow mess when he woke up. Oh yeah, STORY TIME!!!

So my mom went to get Tommy’s pills from his house, she was hardly gone, and she put me in charge for the 20 minutes (maybe) she was gone. We decided to start throwing marshmallows at me (I think it was Bethany who started the crazy fun) to see if I could catch them in my mouth! Well I was doing really good until everyone else started noticing the laughter in the kitchen. Before we knew it, marshmallows were being tossed and lucky candidates were trying to catch them in their mouth. I would like to think I was raining champ and caught the most, but I won’t brag…

So I thoroughly enjoyed this party! I love the summer, it is so much fun! But I hate, almost as much as the devil himself, sweat. I know sweating is a part of life, everyone sweats, but it’s gross and dumb and I sweat more than any of my friends! (You know it’s bad when your friends notice and tell you… talk about awkward! Lol).  Bleh, that sucks the most.

Although, I do believe it only came up once (I hate to apply deodorant twice!!). past that, the crowd thinned when Kelsey, Sharla, Cody G, Jessica, Alexis, and Sierra left. It sucked, but we still had the 5 of us. Thought we picked up Tyler around 2 and took Bethany home around 2am. Overall, we had a really good time. The thing about my parties is that there unpredictable. Anything can happen! It’s a game of chance and YOU WANT TO PLAY!

I don’t anyone willingly wanted to leave. Kelsey didn’t wanna leave but she had to work today. Jessica had to go because you can’t make your parent’s mad (trust me, that’s prevents more future fun!). Bethany had to be somewhere in the morning. The rest, I don’t know, I guess they just had a curfew or something. But the few who stayed had a good time, all night long!
In the morning, my mom went and bought doughnuts and we ate some. Then Carolyn crashed. Then Nathan crashed. On the couch… awkward… (Let’s take pictures, tehehe!). Carolyn was face first in the cushion so that was a bust. Nathan wasn’t as much fun to take a picture of. OH YEAH, PICTURES!!

Sorry if some are blurry, I started just taking pictures with my blackberry because it’s the best camera and works better then my camcorder. Plus it will make things easier in the future. A sad thought is that I never got a picture of Jessica! The whole time she was here, I never thought to take her picture. I got Bethany playing twister half a dozen times and I got Carolyn plenty of times (only because she was so freakin’ beast at twister!) but I wished I could have gotten a better variety of pictures. Some pictures are just so funny, yet wrong, at the same time. I got a picture where Bethany and Carolyn are playing twister (Kelsey and I had already been eliminated) and they had their hands on colors in front and feet on colors in back. Their butts were in the air and I got a picture that made me literally laugh out loud. I showed it to Carolyn and she thought it was hilarious too!

All together, the party was a successful adventure. Though, as we speak, part of the crew is still partying it up. My parents went to see a movie and I didn’t really want to go so I decided to stay home. I needed time to post a party blog, clean up the house, and try out that wii game my mom rented (Just Dance 2). Oh my gee, Just Dance 2 is so freakin’ hard! Not because I can’t understand it, but because I can’t do half those dance moves! It’s complete madness!

The next time I see Jessica, she isn’t leaving until I get some pictures! Of both her and us together. Maybe a picture of Bethany on one side and Jessica on the other side of me? I’m thinking new Facebook profile picture. Make all my friends jealous. I am a player, or I like to think I am…

I hope school never comes…

Friday, July 22, 2011

Returning visitors

So I still read George and Kyle’s blog. Why wouldn’t I, I moved on and still wanna read a good blog (Besides, I helped make their incredibly awesome banners)! The day after my birthday, Kyle posted a blog, in story mode, saying that he and George were monkeys and I was a rhino (way to use the fat joke, lol) and I was a jerk who needed to move on. I thought it was clever, personally, getting the point across.

I commented saying that it was great he still read my blog and invited him to my party on Saturday. I also said that friends like him can never be replaced. He commented back with a blog post (I guess he isn’t home to post on his computer) saying it’s sad that I still talk about him and George after 4 months. Has it been four months? Wow.

Sidenote: I still think it’s cool that he reads my blog. Probably to wait to see if I diss him again or say something rude or hurtful. In reality, I’m done being a hurtful person. I lost the woman I loved, Clarissa. I lost my two best friends, George and Kyle. All because I thought I WAS RIGHT, when I WAS WRONG. I am done playing God and I am going to keep my mouth shut.

He said that he had moved on and, speaking for George, said he had moved on too. He said I was the only one who hadn’t. I was the first to move on! I accepted the fact that I DID SAY THOSE THINGS. I guess he’s not happy that I still blog about him on here, but in reality, who else is there to blog about? No, I’m not alone in the world where I post sad things to make them feel sorry. That’s below who I am. I don’t beg. I still blog about them because they’re worth remembering.

This is a terrible example, but work with me. Let’s say you were really close to your grandma and loved going to her house to play board games and eat cookies, watch TV, or whatever makes your grandma cool! Now let’s say she dies. Horrible right? YES! But do you totally forget about her after a few months or years? No, you remember the good times, where you played bored games and laughed. You forget the bad stuff, the mistakes you made. You move on.

Now I didn’t die (which is why that example was horrible, lol) but I remember the good times George, Kyle, and I had AS FRIENDS. If all you remember are the bad things, you’re going to be sour, bitter, and end up hating yourself. I hated myself more then either of them could imagine. I couldn’t believe I could spew such venom and think I could get away with it. When you start something, you have to be willing to stand your ground or find loss. I found loss. Loss in my two best friends. They started to hate me for what I was becoming. AND I DON’T BLAME THEM!! I was terrible. Kyle gave me his DS because he saw I was less fortunate (as far as parental income) and he was compassionate.

What did I do in return (not right away but with time), I tell him he sucks up to people to feel important. I was such an asshole! Kyle should get the right to punch me in the face, repeatedly, until I hit the ground bleeding. He should be able to walk over and demand his DS back. He should have the full God-given right to hate me for the rest of his life.

And George? I was a complete bitch. Thinking you would ‘side with me’. Why in the hell do I do that? I make people choose sides. That is the worst thing to do! That splits a person in two. That causes issues rather than fixing the issues. George should get the right to beat me with his tennis racket until I’m unconscious. I think I’m the reason why he’s not posting any blogs. He shouldn’t have to NOT post a blog because he’s afraid I am going to read it. Maybe he’s busy, I don’t know. I’m never around in his life anymore.

Though my sister’s boyfriend lives in his neighborhood. What kind of a street name is Blueberry Street? That’s nuts. Wait, I’m straying off topic.

I think the person I hurt the most here was George’s mom. I don’t know why, but the woman hates me more than George does. She hates me so much; I don’t think I ever want to see her in public. She was so nice to me when I went to Georges house, feeding me and letting me spend time with her sons (both George and Gavin!) and didn’t think twice that I would be so stupid.  I think I surprised her first when we made ‘In the suburbs’. I think George put the idea on me and she was shocked.

What’s done is done, but she told me she believes in God and doesn’t think that’s what he would do. God, the guy who created us all. Why doesn’t he just shoot me with a lightning bolt? Why didn’t he? What purpose would God have for me being alone? It is going to be awkward if George, Kyle, and I all have a class together senior year. Unless we can live with each other.

When George’s mom blogged about George getting his wisdom teeth removed, I thought it was risky posting a comment. But she always replies to her comments so I wanted to take a chance. So I was kind and said what happened to me when I got mine removed (God, how I HATED that week). She never even replied to any comments. I think she was so shocked to see my name on the comments list that she just left the blog post and never went back. I don’t blame her.

I am afraid to go to the park now. Afraid I will see George and he will ambush me and beat the crap out of me. Not that I’m accusing him of violence but that I deserve it and I’m afraid he agrees. God was probably a pacifist, but that doesn’t mean all Christians are.

I can tell by Kyle’s comments that he hasn’t forgiven me. Which means George is the same. 4 months and they haven’t moved on? I did that to them, that is because of me! I made two of the world’s best guys into something I would have never wished on anyone! I have to live with that, everyday.

I am having a party on Saturday and I wish I could invite George and Kyle (even Gavin if his mom will agree)! Look, even if they came to beat the shit out of me, I would be fine with that. At least they came, right? Ok, stop laughing at my post. Saying I am even more stupid then you thought, you can’t believe I’m begging. I’m not begging. I, Zachary Love, do not beg. It’s called an invitation. It’s not a fancy card in the mail; it’s just a small get-together with a fire-pit, hot dogs, hamburgers, pizza, and smores. Oh yea, cupcakes too! You guys should come, get some free food, ignore me and talk to my friends. I don’t care if your only coming for some free food.

Maybe your mom wants a couple punches? I don’t hit woman, ever. So she can come and slap me. Tell me off and drive away, I am 18, it’s not seen as abuse or anything, I actually deserve it. From all of you. Look, I could go on forever but I’ve already said more than you’re probably going to read.

I hope that you don’t read this, being anyone at all, feeling sorry for me. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to pray for me. I needed help. Now I just need forgiveness. I can’t live with myself until I find forgiveness. I moved on but the last stage in moving on, to be free of the bondage of this horrible nightmare I created, I need to know that I was forgiven.

Look, I gotta go, need to prepare for my party tomorrow. I hope you guys show up for even a few minutes. If you’re a random blog stalker and wanna show up, you gotta call or message me (either on my phone or facebook)! Even if I know you from school… I need to know how much food and drinks to have and if I don’t have enough, that’s gonna suck.

I wish I could have rented that mechanical bull…

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I'm officially a 'man'! Well, kinda....

So today is my birthday! It only sucks that I have to be home all day, alone, until after 6 o’clock tonight. I’m 18 now, I’m a man, I can take it! Maybe I don’t want to take it though. I want to be 18, yes, because doors will open for me! I might be able to get a job soon and then my license shortly after that… I told my dad that if I didn’t have a job by my 19th birthday, he wouldn’t have to kill me, because I would do it myself (jokingly of course)!

I really wish today had gone slightly different. I enjoyed the many happy birthday wishes I got on my facebook wall today, which was awesome! I just wish I had better company then myself today. No, my sister finally got home at 4 o’clock, bring my friend Carolyn. Oh joy! I’m glad I’m not alone now; it was getting depressing watching Grey’s Anatomy today. I feel kind of stupid for watching Grey’s Anatomy.  Sure, I love the show and I will cry if season 8 is the final season, but I still love watching the episodes over and over again. It’s just fun. Though when I feel like I’m going to cry, it makes me feel like I’m releasing my emotions too much. I should work on that.

Forget it, I’m an addict and I don’t give a crud! But to watch Grey’s Anatomy all day on my birthday makes me wish I had something more entertaining to do. I’m 18, why am I watching DVD’s all day when I could be doing something more fun? I could have gone for a walk or maybe used my jump rope but I just wanted to use this day as a lazy day.

I am going to get off of here now and hang out with Carolyn and my sister. I still have plenty of Wednesday left! So be sure to tell me happy birthday if you haven’t already, I need more comments on my blog!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A twinkling of hope appeared

I’m not religious. Well, I am… just not as much as I had thought about being at one point. All I know right now is that there is a heaven and a hell. God does exist, the one and only. Lastly, I believe there are consequences for the actions you choose to make in life. Maybe I’m just a really confused, half Christian kid.

But this last week has been so full of surprises. Let’s start from the beginning. At the end of the school year, my sister had a partner project in science class. Her partner, who happened to be her best friend Lexie, didn’t really help out. The point is, Lexie got mad that Hannah didn’t use her work because she didn’t do something right (I don’t honestly know if it was citations or just copy and pasted information). Lexie got mad that her information wasn’t used, even though she got a B on the assignment (or was that her final grade? I forget), so she stopped talking to Hannah, period.

Then early this week (Bypassing the hurtful things said), Lexie text Hannah (my sister) asking if they could hang out (like nothing had happened) and Hannah was cool with that because while Lexie sat and reflected, Hannah forgave, forgot, and moved on. So Hannah was cool with it and now there best friends again. Shocking how the world works, huh?

This confused me though. My sister has had an awful lot of happiness come into her life since summer started, while mine went down the crapper. She got a boyfriend and grew even closer to Carolyn as a friend. I lost all my friends over a stupid over-reaction. But when Lexie appeared to have moved on, it made me think.

The same thing happened with George and Kyle and my stupidity. This happened right before the Lexie thing started. I started to think, maybe there is hope. Maybe what I needed was to learn that I have to work on what I say before I say it and know that I am not perfect. I was hoping that my life was going to start going back to the way it was. George, Kyle, and I making YouTube videos at Bennet Park, playing tennis, and filming bits&pieces videos because it’s what made us happy.

If Lexie can get over a stupid over-reaction and know that we were given flaws, maybe there is hope for me. Maybe George and Kyle can forgive me. Maybe they didn’t believe me when I apologized because the wound was still fresh and it hurt. But it’s healed, for me. I don’t think they read this blog anymore, but if they do…

I’m sorry.  I admit guilt. I deserved these months of silence and torture. I over react. I have done it with more people than just you two. I know I have said things… that I regretted, after I said them. But I said things about Carolyn’s boyfriend and after we talked about it, we forgave each other. We knew I over reacted, we knew what I said was while I was caught in the moment. I think God is real, because he has stopped me from doing things to myself. He has helped me learn that all pain will heal with time. Time is the best medicine for emotional hurt.

As a guy, I know you don’t being seen in pain, I don’t. But pain can be a good thing, if it opens your eyes to the flaws in yourself. I have had to take a long, harsh look in the mirror these past months and face the truth. I was a horrible person. I am going to be 18 years old in 3 days. I will be a legal adult. As a child, you can be stupid and make mistakes. But when you’re an adult, the consequences will get worse. Maybe this time it was words on a blog. I don’t want to wait until it’s me getting physical with someone. I want to stop now and know what my flaws are.

George, please call me. I want to work it out with you. Kyle, you don’t know what your missing until it’s gone. Can we move on? Out of all our years of friendship, I don’t wanna be the loser who willingly lost the best two friends he ever had. I have grown up; I have put away the childish antics and words only mean something if you act on it. I will no longer say harsh words without backing myself up.

I am not asking you to forgive me; I am asking if we can work this out. I was childish, more so then either of you. So let’s just resolve the issue. Kyle, you can text me if you don’t wanna call. Just please, let’s work it out. Lexie gave me hope; hope that the world isn’t caving in, that the world does have a positive along with the negative, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you both think I need a shrink or professional help, tell me. My parents can set something up, I already had issues before, maybe it’s time I got help to resolve them. If you never read this, I guess it makes me look kind of stupid, but I will see you both in September when school starts. If we have classes together our senior year… I just hope you can at least talk to me again.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A bunch of "maybe-kinda" random junk!

So I finally got around to writing my story, “Gary and his Disciple”, again and it’s turning out really good. I have finally decided that I’m not going to use my original plot line but change to something a little better. I am not going to be posting this story online because it is a chapter book and I want to keep it protected and until I can get a job and afford that copyright stamp you need that proves its yours, I will stick to only sharing my short stories.

I have had a lot of inspiration in the recent months for poetry, lots of emotions on paper. I love writing poems and letting out all the emotions I feel and expressing myself. You may think I’m some weirdo but poetry is a beautiful form of art and if you don’t respect poetry, you don’t respect your own feelings. Everyone is different, I suppose, but for me, poetry is a fun hobby where you can be creative and free, it’s a way to vent how I feel and release a lot of the pressure. I am glad I got back to that because I used to just post a blog and be done with it. Only I can read my poems, everyone can read my blogs.

Oh well, you can’t change the past, only the future. Speaking of the past and future, I finally got my piloswine to evolve into a mamoswine. Carolyn told me that it had to learn ‘ancient power’ and then level up. I went to the guy who lets you remember moves and sure enough, my piloswine evolved! I think that swinub and mamoswine are cute, but piloswine is kind of ugly. I just think that it’s a phase… Then again, a lot of the new Pokémon in white/black are just ugly to begin with. Though some are strong, I don’t agree with how they look! Piplup is cute and always will be, in every evolution state (well, maybe not the last), but that’s just because he resembles a penguin and I have always loved penguins (Hence, Zachary Penguin)!

I decided that I’m going to level up my zekrom to 100 and then try to find all the 7 sages. I think I found the last one, but wouldn’t that mean that there is a nifty battle or small chat-filled video? I am assuming there is still one more for me to catch. So my senior schedule is finally finished and I am hoping that there aren’t any weirdo’s in my classes. I posted it on facebook to find out if anyone is in my classes that I know, but only two have replied and I don’t really know them…

I think senior year will be great; the last step in the high school years. College soon beckons. What, you don’t think I’m college material? I’m taking A+ my senior year and going to Maple woods for my associate’s degree. Then I’m off to get my bachelors degree in… well, probably advertising. I want to be a writer, but I don’t think my material is good enough. I might be able to publish something on the side when I’m not working but I want to be the one in my family who goes to college, makes something of myself and becomes successful. Wish me luck, because apparently you need math skills…

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Oh, in case you cared, I worked it out with Carolyn (she was so pissed when she read my last blog) because that's what normal friends do, they talk it out and resolve the issue. Now were both happy again and moving forward with out lives. This chick should be the poster child for forgiveness.

Also, Wanted to post something I found on another blog I follow. Give, Big beautiful mess a looky!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

So much for happiness....

Life finds a way. A simple sentence with so much power behind it. It’s funny how you can think you know someone and the ‘life finds a way’. Finds a way to screw you over. Finds a way to make you hate your life again. Finds a way to make you wish you could just rewind the whole day! I so wish I could just erase and forget July 9th. It totally sucked, for me! Obviously my sister or friend Carolyn doesn’t agree. They had so much fun… Whatever!

It seems that every time I have a good patch in my life, even if it’s one freakin’ day, ‘life finds a way’. My sister totally disrespected me the whole time her boyfriend was over. Carolyn became a totally different person while her boyfriend was here. If you can only see your boyfriend, Carolyn, for one day out of the month, you should realize some things. Maybe it’s not meant to happen? Maybe he will like the same person I like to hang out with almost every day? And maybe you don’t have to be so rude to the ‘5th wheel’! I don’t change for anyone, so why do you have to?

So after hanging in out my room, Carolyn and her boyfriend start making out. My sister and her boyfriend follow. In the dark. Then after making me feel uncomfortable in my own room, they go to Hannah’s room, call me a 5th wheel and make me leave. I don’t need a girlfriend to make me feel all special and happy. I am also not interested in being sexually active. Unlike the rest of the world! I just need friends, especially while I’m still in high school, no need to complicate things.

And then after they made me feel like dirt, they come downstairs and take the TV away from me and decide to watch a movie! I had been happy up until 6pm, and then I became slightly livid. Which turned into a full on choleric disposition this morning. Carolyn’s boyfriend decides he lives here. He sits in my favorite chair and thinks he’s going to eat all of our food. He gets a bowl of ice cream for breakfast like he lives here. He then eats it and hands the bowl to me saying, “Since your standing around, might as well make yourself useful”. I wanted to punch him in the face.

No, I put a smile on my face and rinsed out the bowl in the sink. I am so thankful he couldn’t stay any longer then he did, he wasn’t even supposed to be here. If I could foreshadow all the crap I would have to endure, I would better prepare myself.  Who would have thought that my only best friend anymore would become a different person and treat me like dirt, just for some lousy guy who likes touching her. I know people like her boyfriend and they only like something temporary. I don’t think it will last. Trust me, he is going to hurt my best friend and then I won’t be able to beat the crap out of him because he lives over an hour away. When he’s gone though, she seems to be herself again. Which is better, but doesn’t change how she treated me last night.

You would think your sister would stand up for you when he is being harassed, right? Wrong. My sister lets her boyfriend make jokes about me and think he’s all funny when in reality, he is just being an ass. They think I need to get a girlfriend but because I’m fat, I can’t. I don’t need to hear it, I can read between the lines. I am fat and I don’t give a damn what others think about it. Stop worrying about me and look at yourself for a change. I am a good person, decent on the inside. I make mistakes, but I learn from them, I evolve. I don’t let people walk over me, especially in my own house! I will not shed a single tear knowing Carolyn’s boyfriend is gone for, hopefully, another month. He was rude to me, disrespected me in my own house, and treated me like some slave servant. I am not property. But I’m not always going to be polite about it either.

I just hope that a little substance will come with the people surrounding my life. You can’t choose your family, but your friends are the family that you choose and if this is foreshadowing how I will be treated in the future, I would rather be alone.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

It's what you remember that makes you who you are.

So my life has gone from up to down to up and back to down. Then it goes up when you don’t expect it! My life is so full of surprises; it keeps me on edge all the time. I mean, the gift of life is so extraordinary! Who would think that emotions could bounce around SO MUCH! I don’t know about you, but as much as I hate it, I seem to also love it!

Here I am, turning 18 in literally 2 weeks, a huge party to plan, and I’m really excited! I don’t if it’s me or some other force in the world, but I seem to only get depressed or sad (all those gross nasty emotions) when I’m alone. Not just alone, when music is playing that makes me think of my life and the general rut it’s been stuck in! But then I start to think about how I am going to turn 18 and that magical one-eight is going to open so many doors for me! I can get almost any job I want, which will hopefully help me find one that will actually hire me, and I can finally start putting the pieces of my life in the right place.

I like to think that everything that has happened to me in the last year has been leading up to something. God wouldn’t put me through something unless I was supposed to find a reason for it and learn something. God doesn’t cause pain or send bad things your way, but sometimes you need a little pain and hurt to find the truth. I think he was trying to help me from a problem in the future. I don’t know how or why, but I don’t question God’s intentions.

Yea, I know you probably think I’m a hypocrite for talking about God like were BFF’s when I don’t go to church, read my bible, or practice my religion at all, but I do believe in God (the one and only) and I know that my life has a purpose. My senior year of High School is already set-up and planned. My schedule is complete (I finalized it yesterday) and I am ready to take my last year in high school by storm.

I am going to strive to do my best, drive myself to do all I can, be the best I can be, and get all the final credits I need! I am really looking forward to Technical Theatre 2, I’m so excited to finally start working on the set of, Oliver! It is going to be so incredible to see the final produce of the stage when I return to school. I have opened my eyes to the possibility of liking plays and musicals and it turns out I love them! It’s great to watch them and really enjoy something fun. I am so excited about going back to school.

In unrelated news, I am starting again on my book, Gary and his disciple. It turns out, it’s a great story! I posted a few chapters on this Facebook group I was added to and my friend Jessica really liked the plot! I wanted to do something controversial and make a gay character. Put him in a place where that’s not accepted and let you know what it feels like to be an outsider. What it feels like to know that you’re not normal, in any way… or, at least, that’s the way he feels. I wanted the reader to feel anguish for this character and try to feel his pain and it turns out, I did just that! Jessica said she wanted to cry when she read chapter 3, which is when he had a breakdown at school. I made a character who was ‘the friend we all want’ who was there for him, listened, and cared. I wanted to make sure that there is a message in the story. It doesn’t matter who you are, inside or out, you are still a person. People have feeling and if you judge someone, under false pretenses, no less, then that makes you wrong.

Everyone is their own person and sometimes you don’t agree and that’s ok. But out of the millions of people in the world, you will surly find someone with your interest, who cares, and who won’t judge you. Nobody can take away who you are, nobody. You have to stand up for yourself and be strong. People can strip you down to nothing with words and actions, but if you fall, you gotta have the strength and courage to get back up. Never give in to the worlds ways. That will make you weak and you will go into the world alone and unprepared.

A true friend will know you. They will know that when you’re angry, you do irrational things, think out of context, and all around be stupid! But it’s the truly great friends who understand you, know this and not judge you. Those who forgive and forget are the ones who will be there forever. Who will always have your back, y’know?

I wanted a character that will fall and be on the lowest level of the ground, but slowly rise to the top, gradually, through the story. I am only on chapter 6 right now (which is just scratching the surface) but I know this will be my best creation yet. An epic masterpiece in the making. I just hope that this doesn’t become part of my invisible collection of stories sitting in my dresser drawer.

My life is full of surprises, I mean, who would have thought that the people who have been here all along were really the people who cared and supported you. I feel like a dummy for even letting people slip through my radar. I mean, the person in the background is really the person you need, you just never knew you needed it until tragedy hit and you needed someone to help you pick the pieces up. If I didn’t know God was there, watching over me, before, I certainly know now. I think all the time about how I found myself. The real me. And had it hiding inside me. All this time. I think loss leads to greatness and without all the loss in my life; I would have never found the greatness I needed to succeed.

Life is full of people and life is full of loss, but the memories of all those good times, will always be in my mind. I thank you, so much, for those memories. I will never forget you.