Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I need some answers ....

I really hate this chick, Clarissa, for being so attractive, funny, and, well ... amazing! She has got me wanting her sooo bad! But instead of liking me back, she is interested (She says "crushing") on this guy at her school (who she calls, "Mexican"). Whoever this mexican dude is, He's making me jealous. She tells me things that I dont wanna hear about. She makes me jealous on purpose it seems, but how can I compete with this guy when he see's her a lot and I never get to see her because were in different school districts?

I want her to be my girlfriend, really ... I actually think it'll work out. She doesn't like me that way though, which is sad. If only there was a way to prove to her that I am amazing, sweet, charming, and what she wants! She already told me she thought I was "hottt", that's a start. I asked her what she liked about me and she liked my height, hair, and face. that's better then what I expected, I thought would would have been like, "idk ... you just are."

She is making me crazy jealous and I don't like being jealous, it shows how pathetic I am, maybe I am supposed to be single ... I don't know, I'm confused and I want to clarify things. I asked her if she would hang out with me this weekend, go to the movies with me and my friends then go to my house to play some wii, ect... (hoping I get my laptop back). She told me it sounded fun but her "mexican" asked her to hang out before me.... (She says this a few hours after I text her the questions and she said it sounded fun). I don't know what I'm doing wrong, she is way outta my league but I don't wanna stop trying. We will always be friends, but I want to hang out with her and prove that there's always a possibility that she could like me too.

Maybe I'm trying to be optimistic in a depressing state of my life, who knows? All I know right now is that you don't grow feeling for someone over night. I just hope that she will want to be more then friends, eventually. The part that kills me the most is her "mexican" friend has a girlfriend right now, she's crushing on him and I'm crushing on her! Why can't she let her "Mexican" stay with his girlfriend and just be with me? I know, love is complicated, she is waiting for him.

There are a few left out details but my half is on the table. What am I doing wrong? I want to impress her and make her like me, without pressuring her to make decisions. I would rather have her as a friend for a long time then not at all. With all the drama I have with my parents (hit the archives if you don't know...) and my friends being stupid recently, things are getting to complicated for me.....

Monday, March 28, 2011

Dang YOU!

I won't be posting that often anymore, long posts, because my laptop has been taken by the police, thanks to my sister. I don't blame her, I actually side with her on the subject. People talk to others online, everyone does, and most of them are older then you. Why make a big fuss out of that?

The school made an awful big fuss when one of her "friends" told the school. What kind of friend tells the school that kind of information, friends are nice to others and loyal. They don't tell the school things they should keep secret. My sister was pissed off beyond belief and couldn't figure out who told the school. I hope it wasn't any of her friends that I thought were cool (from when we went to the movies, ect..).

I want my sister to be happy and right now, were in the middle of a grand alliance, always looking out for each other. Since my sister doesn't have a phone right now, because my dad took it (because he's stupid), she has not been  very possitive, but she's happy with me, that's what matters.

Actually, I'm not allowed to give the entire detailed description of what's going on, but if you know me in person (because your awesome like that) and ask me (outside of school, please), then I wouldn't mind telling you. I just don't want weirdo's getting picky in my personal life.

The bad thing about our laptop being gone is that I can't get on my blog on weekends and that means no fun updates (unless I send a really short text through my phone, which I don't really like doing). I am planning on having a great outing this weekend with my friends (George is still a bit of a jerk to me) so I'm hoping that works out well.

It case you care, there was a deal going on at my local Gamestop this week (ended yesterday) where you can trade in 3 games and get an extra 20% trade in credit. I traded in some Wii games (MySims, Sonic and the Black Knight, and Mercury Revolution) and got a new game, Raving Rabbids: Party Collection. It's really fun (from the 45 minutes I played) and I am hoping to play it multiplayer with my friends this weekend. We only have one numbchuck so I can't play with my sister right now (we don't have 2 numbchucks).

I hope that you enjoy this, long needed, blog post, and I will update when I can. The earliest I get my laptop back is today and the latest is a few months from now. Look, So I write erotic literature (along with all my other genres), I hope that doesn't delay the return of my latop. None of it is real, it's all fantasy stuff, made up in my mind. Let's hope they bypass that and not even care. Though, knowing the police, there gonna make a big fuss about it. They might even find the blog I used to post the stories online. I hope not, though I am looking for more people to critic my erotic literature. I'm not sure what I need to work on.

Your probably freaking out as you read this right now, but don't worry, I've only written 2 stories like that, and my 3rd is delayed because I don't have the file (well I do, but I won't type it at school or the library) so i'm watiting to finish it. I'm still myself, I just write in all genres, ask me about it sometime.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Faster then a tennis ball ....

What's faster then a tennis ball (other then me, of course)? Don't guess, It's the NKC tennis team. They were completely pwning everyone! Only 2 people got mentioned by the coach as really good matches on the bus home. This was a seriously insane start to the tennis season. I think the tennis team is really cool, full of energy and we really have a lot of endurance. It's growing on me more and more each day.

I didn't get to play tennis until towards the end of the matches. While I waited, I watched other matches but mostly practiced on this really cool 4 sided wall. At the end of the courts, there was this open with these walls (from the sky it looks like a + sign) so there are 4 sides and you can hit the ball against the wall and pratice, solo. I think I did amazing and was really working myself hard, challenging myself at a good pace.

Sidenote: While I was at the NKC match today, my friend Clarissa showed up. I have never met Clarissa in person before, we've only talked on Facebook, but she was in NKC school district so I never got to see her in person. According to her, she was nervous to meet me (gosh, I'm not that beautiful, I'm just ... me! lol). I don't know, I was pretty nervous too, I even saw her before she saw me. I didn't want to talk to her either so I told myself that I wouldn't ... because I didn't brush my teeth! lol, talk about giving yourself a bogus excuse!

Actually, her friends walked by the courts when I was practicing at the wall and talked to me, making her talk to me. I think her friends are cool, they seemed to not care that they had never met me before, I liked that. Talking to someone for the first time that you had only talked to previously through text or facebook was an interesting first experience for me. Not to mention, her Facebook pictures don't even display 1/4 of how attractive she really is! I can legit say that I have 'hot friends' now.

Back to tennis *ahem*, I was paired up with Kenny for my doubles match (we are not doubles compatible, that confused me) and we lost 0-8. It's no big deal, I was only mad at myself for not doing better. Nobody else is worth blamming, it was just me. On the plus side, I got set up in a sigles match against someone who seemed to be an equal to my skill level. We were 5-3 (I was actually winning!) when we were told it was time to leave, I told him he did great and got my stuff and then we headed to the bus.

I wish I could have finished my singles match, it would have been fun to know the outcome, I didn't even get a last name! Now I am doomed to never know the score of that, could have been, epic tennis match! I think that it was a noob tennis match anyway. My skill level puts me at, complete noob, and George and Kyle are just, noobs. I felt like a sweaty animal when I got home so I was in the showers before I could take off my shoes... Ok, maybe I took them off first. Do you belive in 'Lucky Underwear'? I think it's a hoax, personally, no such think as lucky clothing. It's all you, your good or bad. I think most people are good, some just have a harder time at harnessing there power. Like me at tennis, lol.

Actually, If you think about it, My blog is turning into a big journal (diary if your more open to that term). I don't know how that happened, but I don't really mind. I think this helps me get things out there and it really helps me vent a lot when I'm angry or depressed. I like having my 12 followers. You are all so very thoughtful and kind for choosing to follow me, out of all the options you had.

Lastly, I wanted to post these random videos I made real quick (I filmed them last weekend but didn't know what to do with em'...), Please enjoy the videos.

video

video

Friday, March 18, 2011

What do I do now?

I am getting mixed up in the signals I've been given. This post will probably upset a few people, but I stopped caring a long time ago. First of all, let's talk about some happy things. We had tennis practice today and it was laid back and easy going. We then found out (techniqually it was before, but who's counting details?) that we were not allowed to make a, In the Suburbs 3 video.

I know that if you were a fan and your upset about that, you don't even wanna get how upset I was. George and I had the entire 3rd video plotted out and my sister was actually excited to be in the video (she was gonna be a drug addict). I will not explain how the movies suddenly vanished from YouTube but if you email me, I can explain more in depth....

Moving on, George and I spend around an hour (maybe more or less, who's counting the time?) brainstorming video ideas that were "clean" and appropriate (because I'm only funny with George, it's like a combo meal, don't order the sandwhich without the fries, right?) only to come up with something BRILLIANT!!! Sure, it's not gonna be suburbs 3, but it might be just as good (though I doubt it). 

Dto the parental restraints confined to my friend George, we have lay low and stay on the good side of his parents (because, from what i've heard, It will benefit everyone)! That is why were gonna start this new series. Were gonna try to make it as good as it can be, I will post it here when episode 1 is finished. We will start filming next week, if we can get the entire plot line, characters, and episodes set in advance. We can only tell you that we will be making a collab channel for the series where we will both be represented equally!

As far as the rest of the day went, we went back to my house and we had a very serious conversation with my dad because he was VERY MAD that people were coming to the house today when I had been telling him since Monday and my mom knew and said it was fine. George told me when we got to my house that, "This was going to be a long 4 hours".  Which I don't disagree with considering my dad made us go to my room for most of the time. Talk about rude, my dad was being a complete ass. I don't like using language, but when the boot fits, wear it, plus there's no way to sugar-coat the truth.

video

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Tennis Sucks!

I don't really care that I'm number 17 out of 17 on the tennis team, I just don't like George and Kyle being number 15 and 16. Were always playing tennis together during practices and I'm stuck with it, and I'm starting to get really pissed about it! Not that I don't like my friends, but there really starting to annoy me during practices.

You know your friends are around you to much when they can say things to piss you off during practice. So I'm not the best tennis player, NO REASON TO PISS ME OFF!!! I am trying my hardest to improve my tennis skills but when you scream at me and tell me to 'be better' and 'stop messing up', its not gonna help anyone! I'm not going to quit tennis, that will never happen, but I hope Kyle (he is the main person doing this, George is mostly nice, mostly) moves up soon, It's really annoying me.

We are usually fine again the next day, but I hate being mad during tennis practice, It messes up my game and I can't be my best. Why can't he just be nice to me and not be just a jerk? I am nice to everyone, unless there intentionally being rude, mean, or ugly. Everyone on tennis knows I'm the worst player, It's no secret, I'm always last on the workouts to finish and I am on the bottom of the board for the players list. I only  joined to lose weight and try to improve on my favorite sport!

Maybe Kyle joining tennis was bad, though I can find more pro's without even thinking about it. Kyle says I am to emotional and don't think rationally, well I think he acted like a complete ass today, which is just as 'unrational' as I am. I don't like complaining, because I don't want to come across as a butt head who can't stand the heat, All I wanted to say was that he is really pissing me off this year, more then anyone else has, 8th grade exempt.

He will probably read this and I don't really care, maybe he should make a list of his faults, self-control being one, and try to improve on them. This would have never happened if he was higher on the list of tennis players. His skill puts him at the bottom of the list with me so I don't see why he thinks he has 'God-like' tennis skills, ever heard of humility? I confess to having the worst tennis skills, now all I have to do is improve. I can't do that when Kyle harasses me!

He can think what he wants of the situation, but today during tennis practice, he got mad at me and hit me in the face (right eye to be exact) at point blank with a tennis ball. He says it was a gentle toss, but tell that to my face! It hurt so bad I couldn't play for a few minutes, which made Kyle even angrier. Maybe instead of passing judgement on me, he should take a LONG LOOK in the mirror and realize he has flaws too.

Monday, March 14, 2011

I wish I had a way

I wish I had a way,
To solidify my emotions,
I wish I had a way,
To take away my other self,
I wish I had a way,
To know what I was doing,

It’s all a game,
Were set up in a cage,
In a maze; all alone,
We’ll never get out,
No use in trying,

I wish I had a way,
To solve the equation,
I wish I had a way,
To care about the end solution,
I wish I had a way,
To answer my own questions,

It’s never gonna happen,
I’ll never get the truth,
I won’t know what’s right and what’s wrong,
Don’t see a point in trying,
What has been rigged to fail

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Mixed Reviews

Let's just start with something happy, Friday was probably the best day of my month. My dad was gone, nonexistant, and not in my life at all. Hehe, I got out of school and went to tennis practice perfectly normal. That's the usual schedule Mon-Fri which is great, because I like having a plan each day. I got an agenda I take to school with me everyday, I always write down plans, thoughts, events, ect... and it's really helpful! Wait, that doesn't really matter, after tennis practice, my mom came and picked me up, but we hung out for awhile because she had already picked up my sister and our friend Lyna (for all blogging purposes, remember?), so we talked for awhile and I drank a lot of water (cuz I was about ready to die of thirst, practice was intense).

We didn't have time to make any videos or chill because we had to pick up my sister's friend Lexie and get to the movie theatre so we could see the 7ish movie, Red Riding Hood....



Looks great, right? Well it was insane. It's cool how they can change the movie in the trailer (words, scenes, ect...) and make it look awesome when the movie isn't as, epic?, as it really was. The movie was said to be scary and epic when it was really just a very good movie, almost, but not quite, epic. I loved the movie though, it would be worth seeing in theatres and buying. I like posting trailers after I've seen the movie so I can find one that does an accurate job showing the movie.

When your guessing who the wolf is, during the movie, your opinions keep jumping like beans on a lunch box, but for me, personally, I was just as shocked as everyone else in the theatre, when I found out who it was. If your not into movies that are suspensful, this isn't your kind of movie, but I love suspense, movies that keep you guessing, there great!

After the movie, we returned Lexie to her home and went to my house. Lucky for me, George got stay the night (he was having some issues with transport which I found to be--nevermind). We decided to start off with some Brawl on the wii and party it up, my mom bought soda and made cupcakes (which never, ever happens). I guess we both got over our argument from earlier, which made me happy, fueds aren't my thing. My friend Lyna is a genius, she brought some of her Gamecube games, none of extreme awesomeness, but they were great, I enjoyed Mario Kart: Double Dash best. We stayed up past 3AM (from what I remember), I crashed sometime between 3 and 4AM when we were watching a movie, Clue, which was fine by me because i was tired!

I don't exactly know when they went to bed but my sister told me she fell asleep on the couch and Lyna in her chair. George was in the spare bed in my room so I assume he slept there (if he slept, I don't know if he did). Either way, I woke up around 9:45AM and went downstairs to play more wii. I decided we would try out some of Lyna's games so we played a racing game she brought. It was cool, confusing at first, but cool, nonetheless. George has to leave at 10AM so he didn't play very long, because his mom showed up and he had to go. Then I decided to force my sister to play with me because Lyna was still waking up (she wasn't fully away just yet) and my sister didn't play Brawl with us the night before (cuz she doens't like it very much and doesn't think she will ever be very good, though she refuses to pracice by playing with me).

Before Lyna left around 11ish, I had time to squeeze in Super Mario Bros. Wii which made me happy because I passed world 5, boss and all, and am now happily stuck in world 6! I have been trying to beat world 5 for weeks now and It was finally acomplished today when Lyna and my sister played with me, Thank You (both of you)!!!

SideNote: While Lyna and Hannah (my sister) were asleep, George and I made a sequel to are "school popular" series, In the suburbs, entitled, Pizza Delivery. It was fun to make because of how creative we could be, the plot could have been anything but George and I had previously discussed the topic and just needed time to film. We filmed a few clips that were junk earlier in the week but found one salvagable clip to add to the clips we filmed at Price Chopper Friday night. George wanted to make a YouTube to post the series on seperately, but that URL is stealing the views of the video, which I also uploaded the original to.  I am just going to email people on Monday, who I know watched the first, and send them the link to my video, not Georges. That dude has stolen 12 views because he tagged my username in his video.

Back to topic, Lyna eventually left and I was happily enjoying my peaceful evening (it was around 12ish around now) when my sister tells me she recieved a text from my mom, "Is dad there yet?", holy crap, what?!! I was freaking out now, why does that guy seem to find a way to ruin things? He is supposed to be gone until Monday, not Saturday, I wanted a peaceful weekend where I could finally play wii. I never get to play wii anymore unless my friends come over! It's annoying, I was going to sit in the QUITE LIVING ROOM and do my homework because there won't be noise (or ugly people) there to annoy me, Oh well.

My sister is managable, she's either in her room or on the computer, unless were watching a new episode of, Off the Map, but that doesn't count. Forget her, she's fine. The point is simple, my dad returned early! It's completely bogus! I'm screwed! I want a dad who ACTUALLY EARNS INCOME!!! No, he's home all day sitting on his ass and playing "college games" on his computer. Whatever, He got in an arguement with me tonight but I wouldn't let him win so I refused to argue with him which really pissed him off so he went up stairs and gave some bull crap story to my mom about me, which seemed childish to me. Grow up, You don't have to lie about something because you could argue, how christian is that Mr. holy hypocrite?

My brain can't handle this kind of a weekend, happiest time of my weekend followed by my dad being a complete asshole....Then he uses his "fancy talk" to tell me I have to respect him if I want anything from him, refering to tennis of course. If I can remember correctly, Mom paid for that with HER money that SHE EARNED and she sure as hell is gonna make sure that money isn't wasted. He can't control me, I choose to listen, and not start trouble, though we all know he loves it when I do argue, complain, or give him ANY REASON to scream at me. I feel sorry for anyone who has to live with a verbally abuse parent, you must feel like a piece of worthless crap, I know I do most of the time. You want A's at school? Stop harassing me. You want me to get a job? Stop bothering me. You want me to get out of your life? Gladly, as soon as I can! Maybe I can speed it up for the both of us, not caring what religion has to say about it....No, you would find to much pleasure in that, and I refuse you make you happy, that's all it would do, give you a big smile.

Whatever.

Friday, March 11, 2011

This is bull crap!

So now I fee like a piece of crap. This is supossed to be a great week for me but now, Today, I am beganing to feel like I've hit rock bottom again, scraping the ground harder and harder, as if thinking I can break through and go lower. Why does my mom have to act like a complete butthead? This is making me think that there both the spawn of Satan himself. I can't live this way and hope that I get one good day in the week.

Today was supossed to be amazing, everything was supossed to be perfect! Instead it really sucks. Or at least started out bad. I wish I knew when they day would start bad, so I could prevent it. But instead I have to worry about all the crap that's going to happen. I know it's gonna be bad, why guess? It's completely stupid to think otherwise. I WILL HAVE A BAD DAY, EVERYDAY! I don't know why I can have optimism and positive thoughts in my head when I wake up. I'm dumb for thinking otherwise.

I don't know why my mom had to act like Satan today and I don't know why I had to think today was going to be the best day of my life. I probably ruined my plans in the arguement with my mom ...  I hate my life, my stupid, retarded life! Were supossed to hang out at Bennet Park (Bits&pieces) after Tennis practice and make some cool videos. Then I'm supossed to go see a movie in theatres. Then George was going to stay the night. NO! IT'S RUDE TO HAVE A DAY WITH HAPPINESS!! You have to have a day full of depressing thoughts, angry emotions, and depression. I think I will start thinking negatively from now on.

If I have my plans continue, which I doubt, then I will post again (either today or tomorrow). Otherwise, who knows when my next post is going to be....

Monday, March 7, 2011

How lucky am I?

The 2 greatest things in the existance of the world happened today.

  1. The sequel to, The Maze Runner, was available (The Scorch Trials).
  2. My dad is officially gone until next Monday!

Let's start with the first one. I'm thrilled that It was actually in my school library. It's a 'new book' so they must have just gotten it (It came out in 2010). It seems like everything is going great for me, book wise. I mean, think about it. How often have I posted about loving a book? Gross, eww, i never about those boring 300+ page pieces of crud. Haha, I just like writing my own stuff. I have always enjoyed reading, but recently I have hit a down fall. I like certain genres and never really tried to find any books. Oh well, I'm reading this fantastic selection from James Dasher, so i'm happy.

On to the next bullet of information, my pops. Sure, you think I'm a sick man full of hatred and all that crap (if your a new reader), but if you know me, and have met my dad, after one evening, you will completely agree with me. The dude is physco! The fact that I get one full week of freedom and space away from the guy is amazing! Where did he go? Haha, I'm glad you asked (or was it me who asked for you?). My dad has gone to Colorado. He is checking out a college/church (I never really asked for specifics) because he wants to become a Christian counselor for couples. He's a complete hypocrite, how can he help people? He can't even help himself ... for the love of -- Nevermind.

You might think i'm insane for thinking what I do, but I don't really give a dang. Perhaps this week will be full of happy posts? I can see that coming, you don't even know the joy I felt waking up and knowing he was gone. It's the joy you get when your a kid and you get the one present you wanted for christmas. Your so happy, you can't even feel how exited the exitement is. It's so overwhelming. That's pretty much how I felt. best feeling, literally, in the world.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Maze Runner!

I decided to read some more of my book, The Maze Runner, and after 2 1/2 hours of reading, I finished the entire book! It had 62 chapters and had around 370 pages, rough estimate. It was by far, the best book I've read in awhile. It kept me reading at every corner, throwing a curve ball when I didn't expect it! I just wanted to post a quick blog promoting the insanely good writing skills of James Dashner!

Here is the Summary from the back of the book:

When Thomas wakes up in the lift, the only thing he can remember is his first name. He has no recollection of his parents, his home, or how he got where he is. His memory is empty.

But he's not alone. When the lift's doors open, Thomas finds himself surrounded by kids who welcome him to the Glade, a large expanse enclosed by stone walls.

Just like Thomas, the Gladers don't know why or how they got to the Glade. All they know is that every morning, for as long as anyone can remember, the stone doors to the maze that surrounds them have opened. Every night, for just as long, they've closed tight. Every thirty days a new boy is delivered in the lift. And no one wants to be stuck in the Maze after dark.

The Gladers were expecting Thomas's arrival. But the next day, a girl is sent up - the first girl ever to arrive in the Glade. And more surprising yet is the message she delivers. The Gladers have always been convinced that if they can solve the maze that surrounds the Glade, they might find their way home . . . wherever that may be. But it's looking more and more as if the Maze is unsolvable.

And something about the girl's arrival is starting to make Thomas feel different. Something is telling him that he just might have some answers - if he can only find a way to retrieve the dark secrets locked within his own mind.

End of description.

Fun fact, James Dashner sold rights to this book to 20th Century Fox so if it becomes a movie, expect a crazed fan post! haha, because I loved this book. As for what I do now, I'm gonna get my hands on the sequel, The Scorch Trials.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Now I'm just confused!

How can you have a totally depressing week filled with, probably, the worst ever possible emotions filling your insides and then have the totally best Friday night imaginable the following weekend? I'll tell you how, you forget your dad exists. Don't get me wrong but today was seriously the best day of my life in the past 3 or so months. I think that's pretty pathetic, but it's not my choice, it's fate.

So the day went pretty good and we'll skip the boring stuff so we'll go right after school when we rode the shuttle bus over to a bowling alley, where the tennis team was meeting up. We bowled 2 rounds and George convinced me to bring my camcorder ... which meant we made some videos. I made a few, George made a billion 30 second (or less) videos (that is fun to sort through, NOT!). Oh well, I had a blast, even though I sucked at bowling. What I did in the video below is only put in the frames where we got strikes or spares, except for the last clip, which is a little comedy.



It's so exiting to post a blog that's not depressing, don't get me wrong, my life still sucks and I truly hate it, but it was nice to get away from that, forget your problems, and have a little fun, even if it's for one night. I really enjoyed myself. Enough of the crappy emotional junk, this is a blog post, right? let's talk about the fun stuff.

So after we bowled, George and I made a video outside the bowling alley (not a chance to see it, don't ask) and it was really awesome. It was fun to make and really hillarious! Even thought *ahem* some people might not agree with me. After we waited forever and a day to get picked up after bowling, we went to see the movie, Beastly, on opening night (my friend George bummed out on the movie, even though my mom was willing to pay, maybe he will be a bum...)
I gotta say, that movie was spectacular! I haven't read the book by Alex Flinn yet but I intend to after tonight. It had one heck of a good message. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets watch the movie trailer first....



Now that you know what it's about (and that the date at the end is wrong), you can probably guess why I wanted to see the movie, sure it seemed a little cheesy at first, but it as a great movie! It had the perfect mix of romance, comedy, and drama without overdoing it, which is incredible rare in movies today. Mostly, movies today are stupid and inapropriate. Oh well, that's society. If you haven't seen this movie yet, go find $8 and watch it (it was $8 for me).

After the movie, we mostly hung out for a few hours before going home and going to bed. Friday night was good to me, I enjoyed myself; We all know I needed that ...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I've finally found the truth!

So as I have come to realize the past few weeks, nobody seems to truly care about me. Nobody, squat! It's really depressing to realize that nothing in the world matters. It's all pretty much a flat out joke. Nobody will ever give a flip about me or anything related. Why should I even continue with tennis? Lose some weight? Let's just stay fat and go eat some greasy chips with 500 calories. It's useless to try.

Sure, I'm gonna get a physical today, but it's probably gonna interupt my tennis attempts anyway, I'm so fat, I'm not gonna be able to see my toes this time next year, and that's the honest truth. I think I should just give up, give in to the voice inside of me telling me I can't do it! Sure, your gonna be telling me, "Don't give up, life's to precious to stay in the dumps!", well I don't really care. My opinion has been formed, i'm just informing you. Or reminding myself i'm serious.

Form the opinions you want, it's all crap if your gonna try to be positive. This is real, the truth of it is in these words. Let's stopping joking around and grow up. You may see the glass as half-full, but it's pretty empty if you ask me. I don't know where I can turn, i'm alone; I've always been alone. I realized that today. Sure, I got my buddies, right? Not anymore, they don't seem to even care about me anymore. There begining to branch out on there own. Sure, let's promote my awesome friends! There real pals, they ditch you at school and try to act like they care later.

They know your gonna stick around because, lets face it, you have no other friends! I'm a pathetic sap with no life. I have no friends, I am alone. I can't even depend on myself with all these thoughts forming in my head. I've hit rock bottom and now i'm just posting what it's like. It sucks! Don't get all "defensive" on me, trying to persuade me your right. Your plain wrong, end of story. My blog, i'm right, because my opinion actually matters here.

I think it will get better, things always do, but i don't think it'll ever get much better from here. Probably a few more smiles before i finally get the guts-- scratch that, There will probably be little, if any, smiles after this. Things are "always gonna get better", there are the people who know the actual truth, and that's the path i've been taking. Where things are covered with a fake message of "hope". Hope doesn't it exist, it died with my soul months ago... Now it's just me and this blog, the only 2 things i can't count on. Nothing else matters anymore, because nobody else has decided to care....

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I'm starting to wonder...

I'm starting to wonder why people are always trying to think positive. Seriously, why should I care if things are good or bad for me, it's all the same. I decided to play a spring sport, big whoop! Why should I think positivly about it when I can just as easily be negative? Maybe I will suck so bad, they will make a new rule, "People who suck should play tennis (or any sports) at all!" and I can move along down the road of shame.

It seems like I've been more negative recently then positive, I can recognize that. I have just been overwhelmed with so many things recently. The load on my back is getting pretty extensive. I want to be happy and positive, but that's not gonna happen with me, especially when I'm at home. It seems like when I enter my home, a cold blanket of depression wraps around me, which I'm not liking very much. Why do I even need to care about anything when I know nothing positive is going to come out of my life anytime soon.

I have to wait, for now, until I can move along down the road of life, find some stability in a job and my monthly income. Eventually, I'll just have my own place, the american dream, right? I just want to get away from my parents, as far away as possible. I will drop like a fly on radar, I don't want there cell, home, or personal numbers. I don't want to be connected to them on Facebook either. I just want to live my own life because living here, the recent few years, has been the worst experience of my life.

I don't mean to sound all depressing, maybe that explains why my weight has gone up recently (Yes, i'm not joking, I have gained around 6 pounds recently).  I get so stressed, can't vent (when computer is occupied), and find something to eat. I hate pushing blame off on other people, but when you put 2 and 2 together, it makes 4, no other explination. My parents, mostly my dad, are the reason for all my issues, problems, stress, suicidal thoughts, and catastraphies happening in my life right now. I know I have a "good life", internet, wii, television (when my dads asleep), ect... but thats void when you feel so unimportant in the world. When you feel like crap and your angry. Bitterness is stored away inside of you.... It's more depressing then it sounds.

I can’t vent very well,

When you harass and annoy me,

I can’t very very well,

When your always complaining,

I can’t do what you want, all the time,

Don’t you understand,

I’m on the verge of falling,

~a stanza of my poem, Nobody Understands