Sunday, October 18, 2015

The End.

I'm done.

I just can't keep posting stuff to remind myself how shitty my life was and continues to be. It doesn't make me "want to be better" or motivate me in any way. I look back at my older posts and just see failure after failure in my life. I'm 22 years old, single, no college degree, and barely making it on my own with two roommates. On top of that, I'll probably be unemployed this time Monday, so nothing even matters anymore.

I don't see a point. I have 12 "followers" whom probably don't read this, and multiple other readers who only use it as a way to stalk and keep tabs on me. I don't need that in my life. I have a crush on a new girl right now but I to damn shy to bring it up because of my own insecurities and her being the most out of my league, ever. Life just keeps finding new ways to screw me over. Financially, mentally, emotionally, and on occasion, physically. I'm done!

This is officially the last blog post Zach Love will ever post on this site. Nobody comments, nobody shows concern for my issues, nobody tries. So why should I? I've only been pushing through because financially I'm doing great and I'm on that 116, if anyone gets that reference (christian rappers use it to represent Romans 1:16).

I'm sorry. I've lost a lot of my friends working this month and now I'll be unemployed next week probably. Life is a shit storm, but when is it now? And now you all think I'm a whiny bitch boy who doesn't know how to grow up and act my age. Yeah, I probably am too. Or I'm just depressed as shit right now and don't know what to do.

If I'm not losing, I'm still losing.

Goodbye forever.

PS If you know me in real life, you obviously know you can keep in touch that way, I'm just done posting these stupid blog posts which plague my life with negative reminders of things I already know.

Goodbye forever (again).

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Eight kinds of stress

Hopefully you weren't biting your nails in anticipation for my next post, because if you were, you'd have have stubs right now, maybe not even fingers. My bad...On the plus, as you can guess, I've been super busy with life throwing me some punches and also giving me some love too. Not romantic love though, we all know I'll probably be single for another year or so (not like I can change that anyway).

So what HAS been happening? I don't even know how to put it in order...Let's just try to group it.

Alex

I can't even express in words how I feel about Alex. It's not romantic love, but it's not friendship love. It's like I want to be her best friend, but I don't want to date her or anything beyond friendship. I don't know if there's a term for that, but it's how I feel. I love her, sure, but not more than anyone would expect. What brought this on? I guess it's just a combination of seeing her over the summer and how open I can be around her. Our friendship doesn't really have any secrets.

It's just the two of us hanging out and having a good time and really, we are pretty open anyway, but we seem to always make time for the other so THAT definitely helps. I really don't know how to word it and this sounds all wrong, but it's all I can really come up with.

More on topic(ish), I helped Alex move to her college apartment this past Friday and that was a crazy long day for me! I had to get up at 5:30 (when I usually get off work at 5am!) and stayed awake until 5:30 the NEXT morning. I don't honestly know I did it, but she was super glad to have my help, and I just wanted to be helpful (and also have an excuse to hang out). It was a rough hour and a half drive though, I don't like driving long distances, so the 5 hour drive to see my brother will be super fun...Haha!

We got finished moving her stuff in by roughtly 2 or 3 in the afternoon and then we had to focus on her room. I hung up all her clothes in her closet and also put up a majority of her posters before heading back home around 11:30 that night. So technically I kept myself up the 24 hours, but I needed to get my body back on track for my overnight shifts. Helping Alex was great though and I'm going to miss her like crazy this semester, but I promised (and I'll keep it) to go see her every month or every other month, and she'll come see me too. So hopefully I'll see her again, just not as frequently as I was seeing her over the summer.

Which brings me to my next topic!

Britny

Not really a lot to say, but I wanted to add that we're talking more again and things are fine. I have learned that sometimes distance helps friendships. I still live by the standard that you can't really trust anyone, but that doesn't mean I can't talk to Britny and get advice and give her the best advice I can give. I love hanging out with her and her smile is still very contagious for me, we just need to actually hang out again now. We haven't spend time in person together for a couple months (maybe less, it just feels like awhile).

Roommates

Nathan doesn't live at the apartment right now, which is for the best right now, and he probably won't come back either. That's a long story too. Which I guess I have the time to tell right now. Okay...

FOR THE RECORD: I don't condone gossip, complaining behind someone's back (or bitching to me at all about someone else), or any other form of shenanigans in the form of not confronting someone personally about an issue in any format (text, call, face-to-face). That being said...

Alex gets 100% of my life and Josh gets about 79% for the time being. I don't really talk to anyone else. I mean if we went fully in depth on percentages, there'd be to many to say and I don't have the time for that. This sums up the point. Now back on topic, yet again.

Amanda and Josh have both told me that they don't want Nathan to move back in, but they want ME to talk to him about it, since I agree, but for different reasons AND because I've been Nathan's friend longer than them (which in their defense makes sense). Amanda's reason is selfishly because she doesn't like Nathan very much after living with him a VERY short while (they're both very head strong and dominant) and also wants her own room to sleep in, which she has while he's away from the apartment at home.

Josh's reason is because Nathan doesn't have a lot of money and he want's him to be financially happy and not stressed about things like bills, especially when his parents WOULD let him come back if this happened. Which it did.

My reason is like Josh's but a lot deeper. I've known Nathan for four years. A long time basically. While I love being around Nathan, living with him hurt our friendship quite a bit. From my perspective, he is super messy and disorganized. I literally can't even comprehend how it doesn't drive him absolutely crazy. That along with him lack of motivation to clean dishes or organize things (which at the time he blamed on being depressed about not finding a job which I 45% excused).

So towards the end, I stopped talking to Nathan, ignored him, got mad at him, and basically waited until I had to say something and yelled at him, which didn't help anything. So being his roommate is not a good idea and it never will be. I don't want him to come back, but if he doesn't May 2016 will be the last month I live with Nathan, indefinitely.

I have more pressing issues now though, because life can't be TO easy for me, right? I seem to always find SOMETHING to complain about and I feel like it's hard wired into my DNA or something, because it's ALWAYS something, unfortunately. Since Nathan has been gone, I've focused hardcore on Caleb.

Caleb

Not only does Caleb live and sleep on our couch (which I didn't agree too, it was a Nathan and Josh vs me 2-to-1 type thing (which was more Nathan controlling that decision)), he also works less than 20 hours a week at The Tree, which you all should remember. Yes, he STILL works there. He tried switching jobs, but ran back to his safety net and now refuses to leave.

He likes to use the excuse of not having a car, but because he still pays his half of bills (which leaves him almost broke), nobody can REALLY say anything or he'll get mad (which, being brutally honest, I don't actually give two shits about). He works a really (being honest here) shitty job. I say that from personal experience! You should already know why I quit The Tree. IT WAS AWFUL. I used it as a crutch for SO LONG and didn't want to get a new or better job.

Though at the time, I didn't NEED a good job. Caleb needs a good job NOW and that's not The Tree. The Tree is for HIGH SCHOOL EMPLOYEES. He's working with a bunch of 15 and 16 year olds! I get SO irritated that he won't even TRY to find a better job! AND that's not even the HALF of why I'm SO upset with Caleb....

In addition to the SUPER SHITTY JOB he has, he is SO UNCLEAN. By that I mean he will NEVER do laundry because "he can do it tomorrow". He barely does laundry once a month. He sleeps and wears the same thing for DAYS ON END (I'm talking 4 or 5+ days sleeping in the same clothes he wore the day past) AND he has to be told EVERY FUCKING TIME to clean or HE WON'T. Not to mention HE'S NEVER NOT PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.

I'm out working 40+ hours at my Security job PLUS my NEW job I just got hired at (Surprise?) today, which is probably an additional 10-20 hours every week! It's just super irritating that he's taking advantage of our kindness and he can deny it all he wants, but nobody willingly sleeps on someone else's couch and is so overwhelmingly disgusting on a consecutive basis for MONTHS on end unless they felt like they had some kind of security where they were.

At the end of the day, I agreed to have two roommates. Nathan and Josh. Now we have Nathan gone and Amanda in his place. In my opinion, I would be perfectly happy living with JUST AND ONLY JUST Amanda and Josh. That's it. Until May 2016, I want to have Amanda and Josh as my roommates. Then I just and ONLY just want Josh as my roommate. I will never again live with Caleb or Nathan EVER again. I LITERALLY CAN'T.

There's a lot of capital words in these past few paragraphs, but for good reason. Surely you can see my problem. I'm not crazy OCD about things, but I'm enough OCD about cleanliness to have some SERIOUS issues with my living conditions.

The worst part is that my internet won't reach the master bedroom (I took Nathans room when he moved out) very well, or I'm guessing, so I moved my Playstation to the living room and now Caleb is ALWAYS asking me to co-op with him and I'm just like NO. I want to fucking play a game by myself, stop trying to invite yourself to everything I do on my console.

On a quick sidenote, the reason I game in my room is because a lot of the time, I'm a hermit. I don't like being social 100% of the time, so now that my Playstation isn't in my room, it SUPER annoys me when I just want to be alone and Caleb is right next to me on his bed, OUR COUCH, trying to invite himself to my game. I'm close to straight up saying NO in a rude way to him, because it's SO ANNOYING.

But backing up a bit, remember that spoiler about a new job? Yeah, HyVee wasn't working as a second job so I'm going to quit that. I got hired on at The Hut (for purposes unknown, we're calling it that) and my orientation is tomorrow evening. Since I gave them hours I can actually work, and they hired me, I'll finally make some extra money to help out financially. Why would I need help financially? Here's why.

So a few weeks back, my mom cosigned and I got a new car (YAY!!) which thrills me like no other! It's a 2002 so it's my first car not from the 90's. It's also my first car with cruise control, four working windows, a driver side door that opens and locks, CD player, working tape player, A/C unit that works properly, and my first car with 4WD.

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited. Now what happened a week later? I FALL ASLEEP WHILE DRIVING HOME. I ended up slamming my car into a concrete divider and bend my tire rod while also super fucking both passenger side wheels/tires. Cost me $400 to fix, but luckily no scratches to the body! Caleb paid $200 to fix my car (he sold his car, saying it "didn't work anymore") and my sister also gave me another $200.

I'm going to pay them back, which I can do fine, but I hate owing money so I picked up The Hut to get that money back faster. Which from what I'm hearing, will be a lot sooner than I'm estimating. Hopefully within a month, I'll have the 400 bucks paid back in full. Plus I still have to license my car and make it totally legal, while selling my old car for hopefully 500 bucks. Anyone wanna buy a '98 Taurus?

So yeah, there's just SO MUCH that irritates me these days and I have 8 kinds of stress making my day feel SO LONG and I've legit cried about it and life is SO HARD and I've had to survive this struggle but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I know I swear a lot and I have this stuff happening to me, but I still pray every day and thank God for what I have so it's not like I'm totally "alone".

Alex makes everything better too. I can talk to her about anything and call her anytime day or night and she'll be here for me, as I will be for her. She just won't call me when she knows I'm sleeping (anytime 5am-3pm). I love her for that. No, for everything! She is slowly proving to me why I should never give up on people. I'm not saying I'm gonna start "letting people in", she's the only one right now past the brick walls around my heart, but I'm just saying she's restoring my hope in humanity.

Trying not to be cynical or anything, but I hope if I find a wife, she'll be like Alex. Someone who see's me, but doesn't judge me based on looks, but personality. Someone who gets my humor and makes me smile, loves me for all my imperfections, and understands that I'll say stupid shit and upset or even hurt them, but they'll understand loyalty and forgive me. And vise versa.

My problem is I date woman who don't understand loyalty. They think one fight means the end of the relationship and won't "chance" for a second one. Nahh, people say stupid shit and upset others, but you forgive them and love them still.

I won't even lie, I want a relationship. I have been single for 7 months, 11 months since my last serious relationship, and I'm ready. Maybe not financially, but that'll hopefully change with The Hut. I'm estimating I'll be "ready" for a relationship before Christmas, but when is anyone "ready" for any kind of relationship or commitment?

Maybe God wants me to focus on him first? Then that's selfish though. I deserve my blessing. I work so hard for what I have and my pride makes me earn everything I have. I don't take hand outs, they have to be given. Then again God is jealous God, I remember that much from the bible. He wants to be number one in my life. In everyone's.

I guess we'll see. I'm in no rush anyway, I don't wanna plant roots or "invest" in a general living area until I'm in my mid or late 20's. I'll be in Missouri (or Kansas) until I'm 23 for sure, but after that, who knows where life will take me!

I guess to end this post, I''ll say this.

Life is wicked good, but it's also wicked bad. Yin and Yang, All that cliche stuff is true, the eternal struggle of good and evil exists. It's all about what you let have the bigger half of control. Right now my goodness is stronger than my greatness, but at the same time I've become very strongly opinionated about things and less outspoken than a year ago. Hell, than 6 months ago! Alex has helped a lot with that, but I've also done some personal growth. Things I never wanted to let go of, I had to, and it's been for the better.

Until next time,..

Friday, July 3, 2015

Stability and settling in

So my last post was a little harsh, rude, mean, etc...You could probably find a word. Looking back (and reading it over again), I definitely feel like an asshole now. Things were just in my face and when that happens to me and I don't have someone to calm me down, I get all emotional and freak out all over the place. I ended up freaking out when I could post a blog and...You saw the result of that.

To clear things up, I just paid my second months rent a few days ago on July 1st and I have to say, I no longer fully regret living with Nathan or Caleb. I was just angry at the situation and mad at myself for allowing it to happen to me. I should have taken a step back and really looked at my situation from a different perspective or something. I plan on making some progress with that, hopefully.

Nathan actually got that assistant manager job he wanted and he's working almost every day now, which means he'll have a consistent set of income flowing as of next weekend. That makes me really happy but makes him the happiest. I knew how badly he wanted some good money and I could see how upset he was with his situation and how he was trying to do something about it. Luckily, my prayers got answered and he got a good job.

Caleb called the manager of The Tree and got approved to work shifts again and put back on the schedule. Not ideal if you ask me, since that's an awful job and pitiful excuse for an establishment (I worked there for over four years). Still, it's money for right now. I just hope Caleb actually looks for a better job. He can't have The Tree forever.

Reflecting at all I've got in life right now, I'd say it's safe to say I'm blessed. I have money to pay my bills, all of them, food in my kitchen, and my friends/family. Oh yeah, speaking of friends, I have a little update about that too.

Does anyone remember back in late December when I dated Alex, who ended up breaking up because she decided she was a lesbian? Yeah, I'm kinda her best friend now.

Wait. I'm what? Let me explain!

So out of the blue, we just started...idk, talking again and eventually she and I got super close and I helped her with some relationship things regarding her girlfriend and her, we've hung out a few times, and boom! I guess she decided to place me upon her list of "besties" as she put it.

She told me one night that I'm one of the nicest guys she knows and she's glad I'm her friend and she loves me ( in a platonic way). Seriously, I don't even know what I did so right. Either way, I see it as a sign that I'm not cursed. I keep saying how every woman I get involved with finds someone (look at the stats) and hates me, but Alex doesn't hate me anymore. I guess she decided it was to much work to hate me. I can relate.

When you hate someone, it takes energy from you, and gives you a burden to carry, which nobody wants. I'm so glad Alex decided to drop that and become my friend again, because now I've learned more about her and really appreciated her more as a friend than I did while dating her. I kinda just said, "hey you're pretty" and she agreed and we dated. I didn't really get to know her. I liked her, you betcha! I just don't think it would have worked in the long run anyways. On the plus, she changed from a lesbian to a pansexual, so technically I didn't get dumped by a lesbian, just left for another woman, haha...Well I thought it was funny.

As for Britny...Well, I guess I fumbled the ball and never got the chance to recover it. Shocker, right? I tend to screw things up sometime and in some way, but this one takes the absolute cake for stupidest reason ever, and here's why.

I was texting and partially snapchatting with Britny one day a few weeks back and in a conversation about us, I slipped that I hope she can talk to me and I can be here for her as her best friend. As I was snapchatting her, I got one back from her friend of 10 years saying she was her best friend and nobody else. I took it teasingly and played along saying, "Of course, but you can have more than one", etc...Well it got to the point where she was disagreeing with me and got angry and started yelling at me.

And I got defensive.

I flat out told her she was being rude and mean and I wasn't trying to take anyone away from another and people can have 2 or 3 or even more best friends (her and Britny had been friends for 10 years and counting). Well then she got really mad at me and I just gave up. I told her I was done and to "give the f*cking phone back to Britny". That's when I got a text from Britny yelling at me, stating that I was wrong and no matter what, in every situation, she will side with her friend and NEVER with me. She said she didn't care how that sounded or that it was rude, just that it was the truth.

It deeply hurt me. Enough to the point where in our short time as friends, my starting to trust her stopped. I had started to let her in and we've hung out a few times now, so I told her secrets and she just threw them back at me. Since then, she scarcely talks to me. She can say she's busy moving or work is busy or whatever she wants, but we used to text every day, for hours. We've even had long phone calls too, but nothing since (on the phone). Just a few texts for roughly an hour, if that, and then nothing else.

Yesterday (being July 1st), I wanted to text her, but I asked myself "why?" and "Will she give you the time?", which is awful, but now I feel like I'm back at square one. It seems with people, I only last a short while, because I'm always to blame. I used to like Britny, like a lot, and now all that feeling does is allow me to get hurt.

I wanted to trust someone again and she promised me she'd be here for me and let me in for her too, but now I feel like those are empty promises. I just want to take back ever saying she was my best friend. Just friend. Just ignoring the word "best" in that, as if it means something. I wish I could go back and rephrase that one text. Lord knows I'll never say that again though.

I told Alex about that and she thought it was ridiculous and even said I'm one of her best friends and it's silly to take that so seriously. I agree, but I guess I can justify her reasons. You guys know how great I felt about Britny in my last post too, but now this. Life sure does change the rules a lot, huh? I'd still go back though and take back what I said, if I could. I'd still have Britny if I did.

Other than that, everything in my life is going fantastic. I might even have something fun to post after this week....

Until then, thanks for reading.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Apartment/Roommate rant!

Alright so this is going to come across as more of a rant than anything, which is okay since the title of my blog is actually "Random videos and RANTS". Anyway, just remember, things are not as they seem nor as they appear at first glance (even second)!

So Nathan. The little bugger has gone and done it. Living with Nathan has opened my eyes, tremendously. I have learned that in this short time, he isn't who he was as my friend before living together. Let me explain. When Nathan talked me into the idea of looking for an apartment, I thought living with my best friend would be great! But you have to consider, worrying about money doesn't make you an asshole. In fact, quite the opposite. Let me explain THAT now.

So we moved in together and you already know what happened with Nathan not affording all his rent. Now this month, he's claiming he can't pay ANY rent, ANY internet, ANY grocery money, or ANY electric bill. All he can afford he said was his phone bill and gas money. THEN WHY THE FUCK DID HE MOVE INTO THIS APARTMENT?! Sorry for the language, but sometimes you gotta let it out and this is me doing that.

All Nathan has done since he's lived here and worked a little and played video games the rest of the time, while eating sandwiches from Josh and my grocery money and drinking soda Josh bough for us. Speaking of Josh, he's 100% on top of his bills like me. It's Nathan who's the unreliable bum in this scenario. Kinda a harsh statement, but progress isn't made with kindness and gentle nudges. I was told Nathan had an interview as some pizza place this week for an assistant manager position. I hope that works out.

On to the next surprise though.

unfortunately, my friend Amanda and her grandma had a fight, which by the end made Amanda homeless. She crashed on our couch twice, but then went to live with her parents again in Lathrop. Why am I saying this? Well our friend Caleb lived at her grandmas too, and he still could, but he thought it'd be weird or whatever and decided to move back to Gardner, where his parents are.

Sidenote: The same day Amanda was kicked out, Caleb lost HIS job.

Nathan, seeing an opportunity, talked Caleb OUT of moving to Gardner and INTO moving to our apartment, WITHOUT ASKING ME. So now I have Nathan, who barely works, and Caleb, who DOESN'T work...Caleb has paid me twice for groceries, but I don't know what he's going to do for rent and utilities, because I haven't once seen him look for a job or mention it. He just plays games with Nathan. ALL DAY.

Look, I'm as nice as anyone, and if anyone knows me, I'm the nicest guy you'll meet, but there's a point where I just won't accept being taken advantage of.

So what am I doing tomorrow (6/23/15)? I'll be washing dishes, cleaning the apartment, and taking out SEVEN pizza boxes to the trash (one of those being mine). I have been WORKING, I haven't had the TIME to make a mess or use THAT many dishes! I'm doing dishes now 5 days a week and bitching at them only worked for a week, and now...they tune me out and ignore it.

I love living on my own. I hate living with Nathan and Caleb. I enjoy living with Josh! I don't enjoy the shit I have to deal with because of Nathan and Caleb. Money is the root of all evil and now I see why. I'm straight pissed off about this. They need to help out. If they don't have a job, they need to pick up their trash and do dishes at least twice a week. If I'm working 32 hours a week OVERNIGHTS, sleeping during the day, and still doing dishes 5 DAYS a week...They can manage two.

I mean, I don't even think it's that hard. It's just some dishes. It takes me like 20 minutes when I do it. and taking trash out is easy as 1, 2, across the parking lot!! We're on the ground level. I say all this because it's been almost 2 months now with Nathan and my first with Caleb (who isn't even on the lease (yet)) and I'm drawing the line. Tomorrow (6/23), I'm calling them BOTH out. I'm going to, in their words, be an asshole. And I'm not going to care anymore. I'm calling Caleb out on his job search and I'm calling Nathan out on his too along with his money situation.

Honestly I'm more worried about Caleb than Nathan. Nathan and I had a talk, which pissed off Nathan and he hasn't talked to me in 2 days because of it, but I think he got the point. All I need to say to Nathan is to pick up his trash and do dishes like once a week so I'm not doing it every time. Caleb needs a full on intervention.  He needs to either do his part or go back to Gardner. Straight up. He says he doesn't have a car, but that shouldn't matter. He can walk anywhere in the area and he has a bike parked in our kitchen! He can find SOMETHING. Not to mention, I don't work and am awake 4pm-8am most days. Even still we have 3 other cars that can pick him up/take him to work!

NO EXCUSES.

Lastly, Josh. I fucking love Josh and his girlfriend. They're great and we're getting along great! He pays his rent, bills, and etc..while also having fun with his girlfriend, who comes over a lot, and that's great! I really appreciate getting to see Josh more because he's a cool dude and living with him has been fun!! Just thought I'd say something about Josh here too. We're doing great!

Well there you have it. That's the roommate rant. As for me? I've gained 15 pounds since moving in and my stress levels have doubled. I am angry all the time and it sucks. I'm trying to keep calm, but everything seems to be on me, as of late. I guess we'll just see what happens tomorrow.

Wish me luck...

Friday, June 5, 2015

Feels! Apartment deets and secondish job?

I know I promised you guys pictures of the apartment, but that requires actually getting on my laptop at home and dealing with the lag of taking them off dropbox and putting them on here, which I can do, but just don't remember to do every time I think about it. As I stated in my last post, you should really just follow my snapchat, I posted apartment videos of me walking through the whole layout. Don't hate me, please, for the empty promise of apartment pics?

Well it sure has been awhile, huh? Britny was reading some older posts (proof that some people do read my blog still!) and asked why I hadn't posted in a month. I have actually been so busy, it never occurred to me! So here I am, at work, 2:30 in the morning, typing you guys a new post filled with goodies of information!

Well the apartment is going great, I paid my first months rent this past Monday and realized I can actually afford this, in real life and everything! The only part I didn't like was that Nathan had quit his job and lost his other one because of the job he quit and had no money so he only paid HALF of his half of rent (which is like 240 bucks). So I had to go 40 over my rent for him while Josh (our other roommate and friend) paid the additional 80ish bucks.

Nathan just paid me back the 40 yesterday though so I'm feeling better about it. He did find another job 2 days later though, so he's not broke, it was just inconvenient timing he did all this two days after we sign the lease and make everything official. I ain't even mad! I could tell he wasn't happy about it and that's why he got another job so quickly. We should be fine.

Speaking of jobs (this is SO out of order, but it's a jumbled month of information), just tonight...err, yesterday? On June 4th, to be specific, I hadn't gotten a call back from Clubby Sam's (Not actual name, I'm being witty), where I applied for a job, and they told me that THE NIGHT BEFORE, an overnight guy quit and they didn't have overnights available until THAT happened and now they want me to come up there this Tuesday coming up and talk to them or work, they weren't specific.

I'm just super glad it worked out for me. What I usually do is apply at one place I want most, then if I don't get that send out 4 or 5 more applications. I didn't have to send any out after my first choice and I'm so glad! Now all I need is to ask for 10.00/hour and get 15-20 hours a week and my genius plan will go perfectly! Oh, you don't know it! Prepare to be BLOWN away!

I am making enough for my bills, but that's it. I don't have a lot left over after that so I get nervous all the time with my money, so in an attempt to fix that, I figured I'd work a second job, which I was trying to do with HyVee, but they haven't scheduled me in 8 weeks and I told them 10 weeks ago, I wanted to work evenings and overnights. I was "told" that they didn't have anywhere to put me. Right. I don't like bickering about it, so I got productive and looked for a job that had somewhere to put me and that would value me as an employee. Which is why I'm so happy about Clubby Sam's.

Also! My friend Sierra (Yes, THAT Sierra from The Tree...(long story)) put in a good word for me and I think that helped me. Not sure, but it definitely couldn't have hurt. I won't go into details how Sierra and I became friends again, it was basically out of the blue, but I'm not complaining.

So work and apartment are doing good. Me? I'm doing great! Most days are good days, and the days that aren't make me glad I have Britny to talk to. In the time I've known Britny, I've gotten to know her and really see how great a person she is. Okay, I'll spill the beans.

Since Mikaela broke up with me last August, I'll admit I've had some issues. She broke me. You want a metaphor? Imagine a 2,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, how long does it take to solve that? Especially alone. Now picture broken glass on a sidewalk. Will you ever find all the pieces? No. Some are big, some are small, and some are stuck in between the pavement, never to be found again. I lost my ability to love for a long time, my ability to trust for an even longer time, still relapsing to today. I can't...just trust people now.

Britny saw that and told me she'd never push me further than I'm willing and to only say what I want, when things got deeper in our conversations. I appreciated that, but I knew I'd never in my lifetime let her in. She could hurt me, who knows how bad, and I won't take risks anymore. My baggage has held me back from so much and so many things that I've wanted to do or say.

The worst part, I want to let it win. Ever allowing myself to heal would mean allowing myself to be broken again. I still pray for healing, for Britny and her problems to be solved, Nathan and his money situation, etc..I care about people, and I always will, but going far enough to trust someone...Never thought I would ever do that again.

It took me less than 10 seconds to see how beautiful Britny was, but 5 seconds to remind myself she had a boyfriend. It took me roughly over a month to develop a crush, but waited till past 2 months to tell her. I knew before I said anything she didn't feel the same, but it was driving me crazy to hide. When the rejection was sent back my way, I wasn't surprised. She was nice about it, but it didn't hurt any less. I felt like an asshole in the first place for even putting the thought in her head. I know she has a boyfriend, I've been dumped for other guys before, so I never ever want to be that guy. I don't even honestly know what I expected to hear back. It was a foolish thing to feel all together.

Lucky for me, she told me it doesn't change anything, she is glad I told her and she isn't going to stop talking to me because of my honesty in how I feel. That caught me by a BIG surprise! All the scars I had from woman and she DIDN'T add to them.

A few weeks later, we were having a pretty deep conversation because I was beyond  CRAZY depressed about being alone, but I wouldn't tell her, I was scared to be honest. Scared to say that I was afraid of being alone forever. That every time I like someone, it's an unattainable woman or someone out of my league all together.

She did something for me I never thought anyone would do. She stayed and cared. She talked to me, like really talked to me. Eventually I cracked, I told her how I felt. How depressed I was, how bad it was, etc...I just...I was scared, but I let her in slowly. By the end of that conversation, I knew what I had to do. I couldn't just live my life, hiding from people, having a smile on my face, but a darkness and weight on and in my soul. My heart has been SO fucking heavy lately, making me depressed.

Sure, I got a whole lot of good in my life. On the list of pro's vs. con's, the pro's outweigh the con's, but most days, it doesn't feel that way. I just want to feel normal! I just want to stop seeing ALL my friends in happy relationships and be in one myself. My failures just feel so enormous, I don't know that I even deserve that kind of happiness.

I told Nathan about this one aspect of how I felt and he said being in a relationship is fine, but look at the rest of his life. Not everything gets better with a relationship. Nothing I haven't heard before. I know that. I don't expect my life to get better. I do expect the right woman will improve things though. Make each day a little brighter and keep the dark days away. I know who I AM, both in myself and in Christ, so that part of me is figured out.

I'm ready to be in a relationship, but nobody else seems to be. In fact, I've prayed about it. I often feel my prayers aren't answered, but I have a very vivid memory of when I know it was. Around last month, maybe the month before (not sure the exact day/time), I was talking to Britny and she just wan't feeling good. She was feeling down and the distance between us makes me feel so useless to help her. I told her I'd pray for her, which is a great thing to do, but reading it in a text doesn't make you feel any better.

Well I prayed a genuinely deep prayer and admittedly teared up a little, from imagining someone I care so much about feeling so down. Well the next day, I asked her how she was doing and to my surprise, she said she felt great! I had prayed for peace to enter her heart and relax her mind and it worked! I was filled with such joy! I had never seen a prayer answered so quickly and I imagine it was because of how selfless the prayer was.

I wish good on everyone, even in my darkest times, I wish good on everyone, even those bringing me down or tearing my name down. I doubt the truth will ever come out about a lot of things I've been wronged for, but I don't hate people, I can't.

I didn't really intend for a feels post, but it kinda just happened, my bad. Well, needless to say, and back on topic with Britny, I have decided as of late to let her in. She flat out said she didn't want to lose me and I agree. She can't see me NOT in her life and I feel the same. I trust her. For her to accept me. All of me, and still want to continue the beautiful friendship we have...It's proof that she's worth it. I'll let her in. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want another blog post where I explain how I was wrong to feel this way.

I think she can change my mind, that not everyone wants to use or hurt me. I don't have to believe that, but I want to. I do think she'll be a friend and I'll have plenty of good things to blog about. I'm more situated in my apartment and my laptop is finally set up at my apartment. I'll try to make sure my next post is the apartment pics post, but no promises.

It's a long, winding road, but sometimes that's the road that leads you further than the straight, clean ones. I haven't given up so you can't either. Anyone reading this, you simply can't let your situation or the pain of loss/fear/helplessness control you. I wish everyone the best and I'll see you all next post!